Living on my salary alone bc dh was laid off. How do I convince DH to cut back on non essentials?

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that you need an actual budget and savings goals. Then you will both see what's left for discretionary stuff and put his spending into perspective.

We sound like we make a lot less than you, but since layoff rumbles started earlier this year, I've made sure to transfer money into savings first when my paycheck hits, and we can spend whatever's left. Usually it works out fine even when we take trips, but this month my DH decided to schedule ALL the annual house maintenance visits, insurance renewals, and had a major dental bill on top of it; this is the first time I've had to say "hey man, pull it back, put off scheduling more house stuff and buying anything that isn't absolutely necessary until we have more money in checking." I'm not saying don't spend money ever, just...wait a couple weeks. Surely your DH and DS can get a smoothie sometimes but not every time.

I don't think new shoes every season is unreasonable, especially for boys who wear out sneakers FAST. But there are more and less expensive shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset because you think your DH is being wasteful with resources and teaching your DC to be the same? Or are you upset because your DH's spending is causing your family financial ruin? If the latter, that's easy, just cut him off (there shouldn't even be an argument about it). If the former, I don't think you get to patrol how he spends his money. Maybe buy him some gym equipment for the house and convince him to cut off his fancy gym membership. That's the only expense I see that would add up. The other expenses don't seem like that big of a deal --- your DH seems to be healthy - maybe ordering the meal with a big drink is the cheaper option and throwing out a big drink means he is not consuming the calories.

Op here. Not financial ruin but we are not able to save much at all. And these little things add up quickly, and then if you add the occasional bigger ticket item here and there, my dh and dc easily sound several thousand a month on extras. It is not nothing.

Okay please post the spending of how it got to several thousand. I think you aren’t amortizing large purchases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Several thousand a month on treats is not reasonable. I like the idea of sitting down with both of them, and do it with a family therapist if you need to, and try to get everyone on the same page.

Is the college fund for your younger child fully funded?

To the PP who said that a $12 smoothie at Jamba Juice after the gym is not a treat: I’m guessing you don’t watch your pennies and did not grow up having to watch your pennies

I’m 100% I grew up poorer than you. And I know that most of financial life is determined by expense like mortgage, education, and health care. Tipping the scale on smoothies is a real edge case — but I’ll wait to see OP monthly expense log and maybe we’ll see someone having a mental breakdown drinking smoothies for every meal…

[Anonymous]

Put the money that you will need for retirement and your younger DC’s college first. If there is no money to spend on extras then tell your DH there is no money, and you can’t bail out his spending. He’ll need to make more money or curb his spending. Both of you should see a financial counselor if your DH is not receptive to changing. Or, does he have a good friend that is financial secure and more frugal that you can connect him with? He needs to see a role model of how life can be lived well without constantly spending.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several thousand a month on treats is not reasonable. I like the idea of sitting down with both of them, and do it with a family therapist if you need to, and try to get everyone on the same page.

Is the college fund for your younger child fully funded?

To the PP who said that a $12 smoothie at Jamba Juice after the gym is not a treat: I’m guessing you don’t watch your pennies and did not grow up having to watch your pennies

This is a good idea. Ugh. But yes.

No, college for the youngest is NOT fully funded! At least not for all of the potential school options. And I’d much rather dc have more options for college than several years of wasteful spending on garbage.

My dh definitely allots money with love/happiness. His family growing up had extremely dysfunctional spending habits. Feast or famine lifestyle. When they had money, they spent it wildly. I’m sure in his mind, dh thinks he’s conservative because he is not as extreme (think buying a brand new Ferrari during the ‘good’ years, that sort of thing).

You can both affirm how far he’s come and let the numbers show that there’s still more to be learned.

Right it’s her way or the highway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset because you think your DH is being wasteful with resources and teaching your DC to be the same? Or are you upset because your DH's spending is causing your family financial ruin? If the latter, that's easy, just cut him off (there shouldn't even be an argument about it). If the former, I don't think you get to patrol how he spends his money. Maybe buy him some gym equipment for the house and convince him to cut off his fancy gym membership. That's the only expense I see that would add up. The other expenses don't seem like that big of a deal --- your DH seems to be healthy - maybe ordering the meal with a big drink is the cheaper option and throwing out a big drink means he is not consuming the calories.

Op here. Not financial ruin but we are not able to save much at all. And these little things add up quickly, and then if you add the occasional bigger ticket item here and there, my dh and dc easily sound several thousand a month on extras. It is not nothing.

Okay please post the spending of how it got to several thousand. I think you aren’t amortizing large purchases.

Look, I’m not going to sit here and prove it to you. But these items are non essentials or items that I would personally buy for a fraction of the price

[Anonymous]

50 dollars a day times 2 people for ‘extras’ can add up fast

[Anonymous]

Talk to your payroll department about setting up direct transfers to college savings, 401k, whatever other savings you need, and only the net to your joint checking account. If they are anything like my spendthrift spouse, the only way to get them to stop spending is to run out of money in the checking account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my guess is: he is going to get an inheritance that the prenup says you can't touch, but until them he's spending all the money you are earning so you can't build a nest egg to insure against him dumping you when he comes into his inheritance.

Yes, that would make me mad. He has a safety net against frivolous spending that you cannot be sure of for yourself.

Just my guess.

Op you are utterly ridiculous. Pre nups are really not that unusual and not just reserved for billionaires. And I am the one who wanted it bc I owned some real estate with a sibling prior to getting married and I didn’t think it would be fair to entangle others in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your payroll department about setting up direct transfers to college savings, 401k, whatever other savings you need, and only the net to your joint checking account. If they are anything like my spendthrift spouse, the only way to get them to stop spending is to run out of money in the checking account.

I have that although the submission to 529 is less than I like it to be. But this isn’t an issue of access. I pay all the big bills from my bank account and dh uses his salary for his extras. He doesn’t pay for much of anything other than occasionally groceries which imo he overspends on. I shop sales and don’t buy all organic as example

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:50 dollars a day times 2 people for ‘extras’ can add up fast

That’s 3k a month right there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several thousand a month on treats is not reasonable. I like the idea of sitting down with both of them, and do it with a family therapist if you need to, and try to get everyone on the same page.

Is the college fund for your younger child fully funded?

To the PP who said that a $12 smoothie at Jamba Juice after the gym is not a treat: I’m guessing you don’t watch your pennies and did not grow up having to watch your pennies

I’m 100% I grew up poorer than you. And I know that most of financial life is determined by expense like mortgage, education, and health care. Tipping the scale on smoothies is a real edge case — but I’ll wait to see OP monthly expense log and maybe we’ll see someone having a mental breakdown drinking smoothies for every meal…

DP here. Everyone has different money habits. Going down to one income when you typically live on two incomes would automatically lead to a no smoothie life until the second income is re-established. Switching to homemade smoothies is a small thing. Smoothies here are representative of all such needless indulgences.

I think this is one way people get themselves into financial trouble. They can’t tell themselves no, not now. They want the smoothie. And maybe they also want the expensive car with the monthly payments. All the streaming services. Some Door Dash. Eating out. Keep up appearances.

[Anonymous]

Sure seems like OP‘s husband is willing to ride this out for as long as she will allow him to and not really work or contribute to the family finances so she has to decide if she’s willing to draw a hard line or live like this. not really working, not really looking for a job and he’s spending money as if nothing has changed because he feels entitled to.

[Anonymous]

I guess it depends on your wealth and income. It's hard to judge otherwise. Maybe he knows something I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset because you think your DH is being wasteful with resources and teaching your DC to be the same? Or are you upset because your DH's spending is causing your family financial ruin? If the latter, that's easy, just cut him off (there shouldn't even be an argument about it). If the former, I don't think you get to patrol how he spends his money. Maybe buy him some gym equipment for the house and convince him to cut off his fancy gym membership. That's the only expense I see that would add up. The other expenses don't seem like that big of a deal --- your DH seems to be healthy - maybe ordering the meal with a big drink is the cheaper option and throwing out a big drink means he is not consuming the calories.

Op here. Not financial ruin but we are not able to save much at all. And these little things add up quickly, and then if you add the occasional bigger ticket item here and there, my dh and dc easily sound several thousand a month on extras. It is not nothing.

Okay please post the spending of how it got to several thousand. I think you aren’t amortizing large purchases.

It’s great that you know fancy concepts like amortization, but if the large purchases just “happen” every month, your point is moot. It doesn’t matter that the $800 coat might serve you for 20 years. If it’s not in your budget to fund it upfront, you buy a $100 coat and wear it for 5 years.

The way manufacturing is done now, very few upgrades will truly shine on amortization. It’s more like you pay 3X for a promise of 50% longer life.