Living on my salary alone bc dh was laid off. How do I convince DH to cut back on non essentials?
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Anonymous
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These are not huge items but they add up. When I raise the topic, dh gets very defensive and insists these are ‘necessities’ and important for his ‘health’. It is really getting to me as I’m shouldering all the major expenses, and I don’t buy these things for myself. Since being laid off, dh is ‘consulting’ but makes very little.
We have one dc left at home and he now follows dh’s spending patterns. Examples: Almost daily smoothies that are $12+ Starbucks Organic everything - milk, cream, meat, fruit. Gym membership at pricey gym Take out - and always with a large drink or two that they end up tossing New clothing items that they deem ‘necessary’ - eg, new pricey athletic shoes once a season, new boots, etc. |
Anonymous
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Don't talk about it any more until you do the following. This worked for me.
Take on for 3 months in a row categorizing each dollar that is spent. This is only for expenses incurred. This is not cashflow analysis, this is expenses. Then, average them. Then look at his income alone and compare it to that averaged expense. Have a discussion about the actual numbers going in and coming out. Maybe, there is enough money to do all of these things and also save but it "feels" too much to you. Or maybe, there is not enough money to do all of these things. Jointly decide on how much your budget can support for each person to have in spending money, then it's no questions asked for that. For the stuff that's in the middle figure out where you are willing to work together to reduce expenses (make the smoothie?). |
Anonymous
| *** Your income alone, not his. |
Anonymous
| Read other threads. It is financial abuse to control what the non employed spouse spends. It is all family money and it doesn't matter who earns it. |
Anonymous
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Let’s start with letting us knowwhat you’ve said so far.
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Anonymous
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OMG. This scenario would drive me crazy. No specific advice but just wanted to say I hope you figure out a plan to deal with this and that your husband gets a job soon.
One thing I would focus on is your son. You can control that more easily. Where is he getting the money for all this? My sons could not spend like this because they don't have access to our credit cards. You need to cut off access to the son's spending money and put him on a tighter budget. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like he's trying to find a coping mechanism for being laid off and taking a blow to his ego. He's trying to live, and spend, as he normally would except things aren't "normal" anymore now that there's 1 income.
Is there a cushion of savings? A severance package to sustain you guys for a bit ? He can ride the wave for a bit, but reality does hit at some point. How long has it been? Any job prospects or interviews? |
Anonymous
He’s mostly getting it from DH! Who then turns around and asks me to reimburse him. So frustrating. I feel like dh normalizes this sort of spending and then dc and dh joke that I’m cheap when I object. It’s their little inside joke. Dh and I keep separate bank accounts. Yes I know people think this is weird, but that’s the way we’ve always done it. And right now, I’m very happy about that. And I have another dc who is away at college who is like me. He doesn’t like to spend on non essentials either - one thing I remember clearly was talking to him as he walked past a Starbucks freshmen year, saying it was too pricey for him - and thinks before he spends money. We are the frugal ones. Dh and other dc spend on crap |
Anonymous
| Well first off, don’t reimburse your husband for your kid’s over-spending. |
Anonymous
Several years. He’s long through his severance. No job prospects other than continuing to work on this consulting thing which isn’t going well. Yes, I know it’s hard on him but at a certain point, he’s got to adjust, no? I have been. I look for sales when I buy groceries, I rarely eat out, I rarely buy clothes, I spend as little as I can on extras like hair and nails etc (but enough to look presentable at work) and I’m more cautious when I do spend money. If I buy lunch at work, I’ll skip getting a drink because we have filtered water and coffee/tea at work, that sort of thing. I’m constantly thinking of how to reduce. Meanwhile dh thinks nothing of popping into Starbucks and throwing away $20 on crap because he’s thirsty. |
Anonymous
Please tell me this is sarcasm. |
Anonymous
| Are you still having sex with him? |
Anonymous
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Even if everyone is fully employed I would be pissed if a spouse is buying daily smoothies.
They are loaded with sugar and an indulgence…perhaps they are valid if you are an Olympic athlete that burns 10000 calories per day…for everyone else it’s just a drinkable dessert. |
Anonymous
Actually budgeting is a family matter. He has the right to also scrutinize her starbucks purchases if she goes there. It's a two way street. My husband likes expensive scotch - we had a conversation about that. I like keeping a certain standard for the kid's clothing - also a fair game topic. |
Anonymous
+1 I'm curious about this too. When my husband lost his job and expected me to shoulder all the home stuff and financial stuff, I lost all attraction, plus I was too tired to have sex anyway. I literally cannot do it all. Now he's driving the kids and doing a tiny bit more at home, but the stress is still way too much for sex - just no. |