Living on my salary alone bc dh was laid off. How do I convince DH to cut back on non essentials?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on the big picture. Is OP making $500k a year? What is their net worth? Could be that this is a nit-picky problem, or it could be causing financial ruin. We don't know without the full picture.

I find it odd that one spouse doesn't know the finances of the other - that makes me worried WRT goals like retirement and college, AND possible debt. Not sure that a pre-nup would get rid of that debt. The pre-nup bit is a marker too - either there is a LOT of money somewhere, or financial issues before they got married.

X100

[Anonymous]

Op, healthy mind is flexible. He keeps going like nothing happened to his job.
The rigid people who have hard time finding a job or making changes have often ADHD/ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not huge items but they add up. When I raise the topic, dh gets very defensive and insists these are ‘necessities’ and important for his ‘health’. It is really getting to me as I’m shouldering all the major expenses, and I don’t buy these things for myself. Since being laid off, dh is ‘consulting’ but makes very little.

We have one dc left at home and he now follows dh’s spending patterns.

Examples:
Almost daily smoothies that are $12+
Starbucks
Organic everything - milk, cream, meat, fruit.
Gym membership at pricey gym
Take out - and always with a large drink or two that they end up tossing
New clothing items that they deem ‘necessary’ - eg, new pricey athletic shoes once a season, new boots, etc.

Read “all your worth”. This type of purchases are annoying but are not changing the trajectory of your financial life.

You are the “avacado toast is why you can’t afford a house” camp right now. It’s noise and doesn’t really change anything.

Only exception would be what counts as “pricey” gym — is it close to $1000 /month like a car payment? I know that is one place it can get extreme.

I need new shoes every 6 months and I don’t exercise all the time — your DH might be with all his free time.

Totally disagree. All of those things easily count to 1k a month. 12k a year is like why you can’t afford a home. It’s shocking actually how much the little things add up.

+1 it's the spending habits, even if it's for Starbucks, that cause people to not be able to save. $500/month on gyms, smoothies, etc.. which are necessities is $500 you could be saving.

You have to have a saving mindset, not a spender mindset.

I honestly don't understand people who don't want to cut back even as one spouse has stopped working.

You can always cut an expense but you need to consider value and opportunity cost. Maybe you spend less on health care if you go to the gym, and are more likely to go to a nice gym. Likewise, takeout means you aren’t buying groceries so you need to consider the differential cost.

But $500/month in your 50s is not going to change life trajectory in most cases.

Even in your 30s, things like houses appreciate faster than that mid range spending.

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20170530-the-avocado-toast-index-how-many-breakfasts-to-buy-a-house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on the big picture. Is OP making $500k a year? What is their net worth? Could be that this is a nit-picky problem, or it could be causing financial ruin. We don't know without the full picture.

I find it odd that one spouse doesn't know the finances of the other - that makes me worried WRT goals like retirement and college, AND possible debt. Not sure that a pre-nup would get rid of that debt. The pre-nup bit is a marker too - either there is a LOT of money somewhere, or financial issues before they got married.

Yeah the pre-nup likely makes OP look bad, which is why she hasn’t addressed it. She only revealed it after chiding her foe the folly of separate accounts, and I think that was a slip up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read other threads. It is financial abuse to control what the non employed spouse spends. It is all family money and it doesn't matter who earns it.

You HAVE to be a "stay at home mom"!

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s fair for spouses to have equal discretionary budgets. Women have much higher costs to look acceptable in our culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. This scenario would drive me crazy. No specific advice but just wanted to say I hope you figure out a plan to deal with this and that your husband gets a job soon.

One thing I would focus on is your son. You can control that more easily. Where is he getting the money for all this? My sons could not spend like this because they don't have access to our credit cards. You need to cut off access to the son's spending money and put him on a tighter budget.

He’s mostly getting it from DH! Who then turns around and asks me to reimburse him. So frustrating. I feel like dh normalizes this sort of spending and then dc and dh joke that I’m cheap when I object. It’s their little inside joke.

Dh and I keep separate bank accounts. Yes I know people think this is weird, but that’s the way we’ve always done it. And right now, I’m very happy about that.

And I have another dc who is away at college who is like me. He doesn’t like to spend on non essentials either - one thing I remember clearly was talking to him as he walked past a Starbucks freshmen year, saying it was too pricey for him - and thinks before he spends money. We are the frugal ones. Dh and other dc spend on crap

You keep separate bank accounts so STOP reimbursing him!

You can tell him “I can’t afford it, so I don’t buy takeout for myself. That means I also can’t afford it for you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been married for 20 years and we have always had separate bank accounts and credit cards so I get that. Maybe weird to some people but works for us. It sounds like you are enabling your DH and your son. If DH doesn’t work where is he getting the money from to pay for his wasteful choices? If it is coming from you why don’t you tell him how you feel and get yourselves on a budget? And no way in hell would I be paying for any of this for a teenage son. He can get a job. This isn’t just on them, you are allowing it.

I am paying for almost everything. Dh makes a little money and uses that for these items. I’ve objected and said ‘you should contribute to housing, insurance etc if you can afford these extras’ and he argues and claims he ‘spends very little’ and the money he is giving to dc is for ‘things he needs’.

As I mentioned, my other dc is not like this at all.

You must be an either a troll or a horrible person to live with, because you obsessively keep coming back to your kids and comparing the one who is “like me” favorably to your other child.

That’s just gross and you know damn well your younger kid is splurging because you’ve spent years by now making him feel inferior to his sibling.

Your problems run much deeper than your unemployed spouses’s spending habits.

[Anonymous]

Call his boyfriend and give them your blessing. Remain friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair for spouses to have equal discretionary budgets. Women have much higher costs to look acceptable in our culture.

Pp who has equal discretionary accounts here. He takes me out to dinner on “his” dime more often than I take him out. I think, at least in our marriage, it’s all working out.

To the pp who called our method depressing, I don’t know why. This method helps us stay on budget and on track for retirement.

[Anonymous]

This really depends on how much OP is earning. If you are earning 200+ and DH is used to earning money and health is important to him, being controlling over money to a middle aged man or woman would be upsetting in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair for spouses to have equal discretionary budgets. Women have much higher costs to look acceptable in our culture.

Men eat a lot more. I bet my dh eats 1.5x what I eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read other threads. It is financial abuse to control what the non employed spouse spends. It is all family money and it doesn't matter who earns it.

That is not the same as setting a family budget.

[Anonymous]

So my guess is: he is going to get an inheritance that the prenup says you can't touch, but until them he's spending all the money you are earning so you can't build a nest egg to insure against him dumping you when he comes into his inheritance.

Yes, that would make me mad. He has a safety net against frivolous spending that you cannot be sure of for yourself.

Just my guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my guess is: he is going to get an inheritance that the prenup says you can't touch, but until them he's spending all the money you are earning so you can't build a nest egg to insure against him dumping you when he comes into his inheritance.

Yes, that would make me mad. He has a safety net against frivolous spending that you cannot be sure of for yourself.

Just my guess.

She went in with her eyes open. She doesn’t get to control an adult, and nickel and diming over these things (it’s not like he’s buying cars and motorcycles, the classic middle age thing).

I mean smoothies? Unless you really are down to your last dime (and I do have family that life like this so I understand in that case) you are losing the long game.