Living on my salary alone bc dh was laid off. How do I convince DH to cut back on non essentials?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on the big picture. Is OP making $500k a year? What is their net worth? Could be that this is a nit-picky problem, or it could be causing financial ruin. We don't know without the full picture.

I find it odd that one spouse doesn't know the finances of the other - that makes me worried WRT goals like retirement and college, AND possible debt. Not sure that a pre-nup would get rid of that debt. The pre-nup bit is a marker too - either there is a LOT of money somewhere, or financial issues before they got married.

X100

Agree that the financial part of this relationship feels fractured and broken or maybe was always broken. If this is a source of upset go to 2-3 couples counseling sessions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on the big picture. Is OP making $500k a year? What is their net worth? Could be that this is a nit-picky problem, or it could be causing financial ruin. We don't know without the full picture.

I find it odd that one spouse doesn't know the finances of the other - that makes me worried WRT goals like retirement and college, AND possible debt. Not sure that a pre-nup would get rid of that debt. The pre-nup bit is a marker too - either there is a LOT of money somewhere, or financial issues before they got married.

X100

Agree that the financial part of this relationship feels fractured and broken or maybe was always broken. If this is a source of upset go to 2-3 couples counseling sessions.

It’s always been broken, the pre-nip was likely his request and that always turns a marriage into a transaction

[Anonymous]

Are you upset because you think your DH is being wasteful with resources and teaching your DC to be the same? Or are you upset because your DH's spending is causing your family financial ruin? If the latter, that's easy, just cut him off (there shouldn't even be an argument about it). If the former, I don't think you get to patrol how he spends his money. Maybe buy him some gym equipment for the house and convince him to cut off his fancy gym membership. That's the only expense I see that would add up. The other expenses don't seem like that big of a deal --- your DH seems to be healthy - maybe ordering the meal with a big drink is the cheaper option and throwing out a big drink means he is not consuming the calories.

[Anonymous]

OP I can understand why you’re stressed and tired of dealing with this. When you are calm, sit your husband or kid (or both- or separately), and have the conversation with them calmly. Tell them you aren’t trying to interrupt their fun, that smoothies are great and exercise is great, but we’ve got to work together to find a way to conserve. Get them into problem solving mode and try to come up with a family plan, and good luck!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re dual income and this would be an unacceptable level of spending. On occasion, it’s fine. On the regular, we would have a talk with each other. We have joint accounts and joint financial goals. We’re in this together and multiple $12 smoothies a week would not work for us.

A $12 smoothie is just a smoothie. Inflation has been terrible, and the fresh produce used in smoothies have especially gotten expensive.

It’s hardly luxury to hitting the Jamba Juice after the gym.

https://www.reddit.com/r/MiddleClassFinance/comments/1arly03/jamba_juice_large_smoothie_is_12_this_is/

Disagree. I think hitting up a smoothie place after the gym is a luxury and should be done infrequently. Same with Starbucks. This is all a lot of money down the toilet.

But as a PP noted, if you have a set amount of fun money each month and you put towards smoothies, that’s your call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on the big picture. Is OP making $500k a year? What is their net worth? Could be that this is a nit-picky problem, or it could be causing financial ruin. We don't know without the full picture.

I find it odd that one spouse doesn't know the finances of the other - that makes me worried WRT goals like retirement and college, AND possible debt. Not sure that a pre-nup would get rid of that debt. The pre-nup bit is a marker too - either there is a LOT of money somewhere, or financial issues before they got married.

Yeah the pre-nup likely makes OP look bad, which is why she hasn’t addressed it. She only revealed it after chiding her foe the folly of separate accounts, and I think that was a slip up.

Op here. I really am not bothered about what people think of my pre nup. I had some real estate before I got married and wanted to preserve it in my name. I’m not Uber wealthy at all (pre nups are not just for billionaires) but I got married in my 30s and knew I wanted some guardrails.

And honestly now I am VERY happy we have a pre nup. If I divorce- and I really don’t want to- I won’t end up supporting DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset because you think your DH is being wasteful with resources and teaching your DC to be the same? Or are you upset because your DH's spending is causing your family financial ruin? If the latter, that's easy, just cut him off (there shouldn't even be an argument about it). If the former, I don't think you get to patrol how he spends his money. Maybe buy him some gym equipment for the house and convince him to cut off his fancy gym membership. That's the only expense I see that would add up. The other expenses don't seem like that big of a deal --- your DH seems to be healthy - maybe ordering the meal with a big drink is the cheaper option and throwing out a big drink means he is not consuming the calories.

Op here. Not financial ruin but we are not able to save much at all. And these little things add up quickly, and then if you add the occasional bigger ticket item here and there, my dh and dc easily sound several thousand a month on extras. It is not nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset because you think your DH is being wasteful with resources and teaching your DC to be the same? Or are you upset because your DH's spending is causing your family financial ruin? If the latter, that's easy, just cut him off (there shouldn't even be an argument about it). If the former, I don't think you get to patrol how he spends his money. Maybe buy him some gym equipment for the house and convince him to cut off his fancy gym membership. That's the only expense I see that would add up. The other expenses don't seem like that big of a deal --- your DH seems to be healthy - maybe ordering the meal with a big drink is the cheaper option and throwing out a big drink means he is not consuming the calories.

Obviously that’s not what I’m talking about. Dh just has no concept of not wasting things. He has always been like this. Order the large latte every single day and have 4 sips and toss it. Order an extra app at dinner on top of his entree and app because he wants to ‘try it’, leaving much of his food untouched. Order room service at a hotel because he’s ’tired and we’re on vacation, let’s treat ourselves!’ Toss out perfectly good clothing items because he’s ’sick of them’ and then replace them with similar new items. His wastefulness has always bothered me, but I let it go because we had his salary. Now we don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset because you think your DH is being wasteful with resources and teaching your DC to be the same? Or are you upset because your DH's spending is causing your family financial ruin? If the latter, that's easy, just cut him off (there shouldn't even be an argument about it). If the former, I don't think you get to patrol how he spends his money. Maybe buy him some gym equipment for the house and convince him to cut off his fancy gym membership. That's the only expense I see that would add up. The other expenses don't seem like that big of a deal --- your DH seems to be healthy - maybe ordering the meal with a big drink is the cheaper option and throwing out a big drink means he is not consuming the calories.

Op here. Not financial ruin but we are not able to save much at all. And these little things add up quickly, and then if you add the occasional bigger ticket item here and there, my dh and dc easily sound several thousand a month on extras. It is not nothing.

This stuff isn’t nothing and they do add up. There are cheaper gyms and eating at home for now would be wiser. Some people just don’t know how to downshift their spending or putting a temporary pause on their immediate wants.

[Anonymous]

You need to separate money. He uses his unemployment comp for his expenses and not your money. Then he will learn what’s in his budget. He pays half of all shared bills.

[Anonymous]

Several thousand a month on treats is not reasonable. I like the idea of sitting down with both of them, and do it with a family therapist if you need to, and try to get everyone on the same page.

Is the college fund for your younger child fully funded?

To the PP who said that a $12 smoothie at Jamba Juice after the gym is not a treat: I’m guessing you don’t watch your pennies and did not grow up having to watch your pennies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset because you think your DH is being wasteful with resources and teaching your DC to be the same? Or are you upset because your DH's spending is causing your family financial ruin? If the latter, that's easy, just cut him off (there shouldn't even be an argument about it). If the former, I don't think you get to patrol how he spends his money. Maybe buy him some gym equipment for the house and convince him to cut off his fancy gym membership. That's the only expense I see that would add up. The other expenses don't seem like that big of a deal --- your DH seems to be healthy - maybe ordering the meal with a big drink is the cheaper option and throwing out a big drink means he is not consuming the calories.

Op here. Not financial ruin but we are not able to save much at all. And these little things add up quickly, and then if you add the occasional bigger ticket item here and there, my dh and dc easily sound several thousand a month on extras. It is not nothing.

Wow. That’s worse than I imagined. You’ll need to talk to the teen separately. My dad was a spender (to a much smaller degree.) My mother explained it to me when he wasn’t around repeatedly. She’d point out that she only bought three pieces of meat for dinner and ate beans herself for financial reasons. She pointed out that she wrote letters to her mother because he had long-distance phone calls to his. He ate out weekly, so she needed to pick up extra shifts. Was it messed up? Sure. But she wasn’t the source of the dysfunction. He was the one spending a little more than the family could afford. He learned the habit from his mother who grew up rich, but married a poor man. My mom was just picking up the pieces and trying not to pass that expectation on to yet another generation. I was very uncomfortable with the conversations. It was not great for our relationship. I’m still glad she did it. I’ve evolved into an adult who can save money when I need to. My dad and grandmother never learned because no one explicitly taught them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re dual income and this would be an unacceptable level of spending. On occasion, it’s fine. On the regular, we would have a talk with each other. We have joint accounts and joint financial goals. We’re in this together and multiple $12 smoothies a week would not work for us.

A $12 smoothie is just a smoothie. Inflation has been terrible, and the fresh produce used in smoothies have especially gotten expensive.

It’s hardly luxury to hitting the Jamba Juice after the gym.

https://www.reddit.com/r/MiddleClassFinance/comments/1arly03/jamba_juice_large_smoothie_is_12_this_is/

Disagree. I think hitting up a smoothie place after the gym is a luxury and should be done infrequently. Same with Starbucks. This is all a lot of money down the toilet.

But as a PP noted, if you have a set amount of fun money each month and you put towards smoothies, that’s your call.

This! And your budget for "fun money" changes drastically when one member of the household does not have a job (that is an important part of the family budget---not talking SAHP here). If you loose your job or take a pay cut, the family must readjust the budget accordingly. You don't just waste $$$ on "luxury" items (and yes a smoothie from a store is just that---make it at home if you want and save $$)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Several thousand a month on treats is not reasonable. I like the idea of sitting down with both of them, and do it with a family therapist if you need to, and try to get everyone on the same page.

Is the college fund for your younger child fully funded?

To the PP who said that a $12 smoothie at Jamba Juice after the gym is not a treat: I’m guessing you don’t watch your pennies and did not grow up having to watch your pennies

This is a good idea. Ugh. But yes.

No, college for the youngest is NOT fully funded! At least not for all of the potential school options. And I’d much rather dc have more options for college than several years of wasteful spending on garbage.

My dh definitely allots money with love/happiness. His family growing up had extremely dysfunctional spending habits. Feast or famine lifestyle. When they had money, they spent it wildly. I’m sure in his mind, dh thinks he’s conservative because he is not as extreme (think buying a brand new Ferrari during the ‘good’ years, that sort of thing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several thousand a month on treats is not reasonable. I like the idea of sitting down with both of them, and do it with a family therapist if you need to, and try to get everyone on the same page.

Is the college fund for your younger child fully funded?

To the PP who said that a $12 smoothie at Jamba Juice after the gym is not a treat: I’m guessing you don’t watch your pennies and did not grow up having to watch your pennies

This is a good idea. Ugh. But yes.

No, college for the youngest is NOT fully funded! At least not for all of the potential school options. And I’d much rather dc have more options for college than several years of wasteful spending on garbage.

My dh definitely allots money with love/happiness. His family growing up had extremely dysfunctional spending habits. Feast or famine lifestyle. When they had money, they spent it wildly. I’m sure in his mind, dh thinks he’s conservative because he is not as extreme (think buying a brand new Ferrari during the ‘good’ years, that sort of thing).

You can both affirm how far he’s come and let the numbers show that there’s still more to be learned.