Living on my salary alone bc dh was laid off. How do I convince DH to cut back on non essentials?

[Anonymous]

Does he have a massive savings account? Is he pulling his weight with household expenses, college funds, etc.? Does he have enough for a comfortable retirement?

Why are you giving him money for years for your at-home son when these aren’t expenses you approve of? At the very least I would give less than half.

[Anonymous]

*treats not years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These are not huge items but they add up. When I raise the topic, dh gets very defensive and insists these are ‘necessities’ and important for his ‘health’. It is really getting to me as I’m shouldering all the major expenses, and I don’t buy these things for myself. Since being laid off, dh is ‘consulting’ but makes very little.

We have one dc left at home and he now follows dh’s spending patterns.

Examples:
Almost daily smoothies that are $12+
Starbucks
Organic everything - milk, cream, meat, fruit.
Gym membership at pricey gym
Take out - and always with a large drink or two that they end up tossing
New clothing items that they deem ‘necessary’ - eg, new pricey athletic shoes once a season, new boots, etc.

Read “all your worth”. This type of purchases are annoying but are not changing the trajectory of your financial life.

You are the “avacado toast is why you can’t afford a house” camp right now. It’s noise and doesn’t really change anything.

Only exception would be what counts as “pricey” gym — is it close to $1000 /month like a car payment? I know that is one place it can get extreme.

I need new shoes every 6 months and I don’t exercise all the time — your DH might be with all his free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These are not huge items but they add up. When I raise the topic, dh gets very defensive and insists these are ‘necessities’ and important for his ‘health’. It is really getting to me as I’m shouldering all the major expenses, and I don’t buy these things for myself. Since being laid off, dh is ‘consulting’ but makes very little.

We have one dc left at home and he now follows dh’s spending patterns.

Examples:
Almost daily smoothies that are $12+
Starbucks
Organic everything - milk, cream, meat, fruit.
Gym membership at pricey gym
Take out - and always with a large drink or two that they end up tossing
New clothing items that they deem ‘necessary’ - eg, new pricey athletic shoes once a season, new boots, etc.

How much did he earn when he was working vs how much you earn? Did you take time off when kids were small.

In some ways 50s is men’s “SAHD” period because they become unemployable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the use of debit and credit cards, it is very easy to see where money is going. Do you have a budget? If not, you both need to do a deep dive on where your money is going. The numbers don’t lie.

We don’t share credit cards or a bank account

Yeah that’s weird. You understand it’s still his money too in the eyes of the law? And his debt is your debt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not huge items but they add up. When I raise the topic, dh gets very defensive and insists these are ‘necessities’ and important for his ‘health’. It is really getting to me as I’m shouldering all the major expenses, and I don’t buy these things for myself. Since being laid off, dh is ‘consulting’ but makes very little.

We have one dc left at home and he now follows dh’s spending patterns.

Examples:
Almost daily smoothies that are $12+
Starbucks
Organic everything - milk, cream, meat, fruit.
Gym membership at pricey gym
Take out - and always with a large drink or two that they end up tossing
New clothing items that they deem ‘necessary’ - eg, new pricey athletic shoes once a season, new boots, etc.

Read “all your worth”. This type of purchases are annoying but are not changing the trajectory of your financial life.

You are the “avacado toast is why you can’t afford a house” camp right now. It’s noise and doesn’t really change anything.

Only exception would be what counts as “pricey” gym — is it close to $1000 /month like a car payment? I know that is one place it can get extreme.

I need new shoes every 6 months and I don’t exercise all the time — your DH might be with all his free time.

Totally disagree. All of those things easily count to 1k a month. 12k a year is like why you can’t afford a home. It’s shocking actually how much the little things add up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the use of debit and credit cards, it is very easy to see where money is going. Do you have a budget? If not, you both need to do a deep dive on where your money is going. The numbers don’t lie.

We don’t share credit cards or a bank account

Yeah that’s weird. You understand it’s still his money too in the eyes of the law? And his debt is your debt?

We have a prenup so no, that’s not exactly how it works.

And I don’t care if you think it’s weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the use of debit and credit cards, it is very easy to see where money is going. Do you have a budget? If not, you both need to do a deep dive on where your money is going. The numbers don’t lie.

We don’t share credit cards or a bank account

Yeah that’s weird. You understand it’s still his money too in the eyes of the law? And his debt is your debt?

We have a prenup so no, that’s not exactly how it works.

And I don’t care if you think it’s weird.

Well a prenup is even weirder unless one of you comes from family money. And then yeah worrying about smoothies is nonsense too

Make it make sense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not huge items but they add up. When I raise the topic, dh gets very defensive and insists these are ‘necessities’ and important for his ‘health’. It is really getting to me as I’m shouldering all the major expenses, and I don’t buy these things for myself. Since being laid off, dh is ‘consulting’ but makes very little.

We have one dc left at home and he now follows dh’s spending patterns.

Examples:
Almost daily smoothies that are $12+
Starbucks
Organic everything - milk, cream, meat, fruit.
Gym membership at pricey gym
Take out - and always with a large drink or two that they end up tossing
New clothing items that they deem ‘necessary’ - eg, new pricey athletic shoes once a season, new boots, etc.

Read “all your worth”. This type of purchases are annoying but are not changing the trajectory of your financial life.

You are the “avacado toast is why you can’t afford a house” camp right now. It’s noise and doesn’t really change anything.

Only exception would be what counts as “pricey” gym — is it close to $1000 /month like a car payment? I know that is one place it can get extreme.

I need new shoes every 6 months and I don’t exercise all the time — your DH might be with all his free time.

Totally disagree. All of those things easily count to 1k a month. 12k a year is like why you can’t afford a home. It’s shocking actually how much the little things add up.

Op, exactly. It really does add up and it’s on stupid stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the use of debit and credit cards, it is very easy to see where money is going. Do you have a budget? If not, you both need to do a deep dive on where your money is going. The numbers don’t lie.

We don’t share credit cards or a bank account

Yeah that’s weird. You understand it’s still his money too in the eyes of the law? And his debt is your debt?

We have a prenup so no, that’s not exactly how it works.

And I don’t care if you think it’s weird.

Well a prenup is even weirder unless one of you comes from family money. And then yeah worrying about smoothies is nonsense too

Make it make sense

.

Oh you’re make it make sense poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not huge items but they add up. When I raise the topic, dh gets very defensive and insists these are ‘necessities’ and important for his ‘health’. It is really getting to me as I’m shouldering all the major expenses, and I don’t buy these things for myself. Since being laid off, dh is ‘consulting’ but makes very little.

We have one dc left at home and he now follows dh’s spending patterns.

Examples:
Almost daily smoothies that are $12+
Starbucks
Organic everything - milk, cream, meat, fruit.
Gym membership at pricey gym
Take out - and always with a large drink or two that they end up tossing
New clothing items that they deem ‘necessary’ - eg, new pricey athletic shoes once a season, new boots, etc.

Read “all your worth”. This type of purchases are annoying but are not changing the trajectory of your financial life.

You are the “avacado toast is why you can’t afford a house” camp right now. It’s noise and doesn’t really change anything.

Only exception would be what counts as “pricey” gym — is it close to $1000 /month like a car payment? I know that is one place it can get extreme.

I need new shoes every 6 months and I don’t exercise all the time — your DH might be with all his free time.

Totally disagree. All of those things easily count to 1k a month. 12k a year is like why you can’t afford a home. It’s shocking actually how much the little things add up.

If he is eating takeout every day, smoothies and Starbucks everyday, has a $400/month gym, and buys $1000 kicks, maybe you can get to $1000.

But in that case he is avoiding eating or drinking at home because of his DW i suspect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the use of debit and credit cards, it is very easy to see where money is going. Do you have a budget? If not, you both need to do a deep dive on where your money is going. The numbers don’t lie.

We don’t share credit cards or a bank account

Yeah that’s weird. You understand it’s still his money too in the eyes of the law? And his debt is your debt?

We have a prenup so no, that’s not exactly how it works.

And I don’t care if you think it’s weird.

Well a prenup is even weirder unless one of you comes from family money. And then yeah worrying about smoothies is nonsense too

Make it make sense

.

Oh you’re make it make sense poster.

So if you have a prenup, either he comes from wealth and can spend what he wants or YOU come from wealth, and complaining about the spending of an unemployed and likely depressed spouse is petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not huge items but they add up. When I raise the topic, dh gets very defensive and insists these are ‘necessities’ and important for his ‘health’. It is really getting to me as I’m shouldering all the major expenses, and I don’t buy these things for myself. Since being laid off, dh is ‘consulting’ but makes very little.

We have one dc left at home and he now follows dh’s spending patterns.

Examples:
Almost daily smoothies that are $12+
Starbucks
Organic everything - milk, cream, meat, fruit.
Gym membership at pricey gym
Take out - and always with a large drink or two that they end up tossing
New clothing items that they deem ‘necessary’ - eg, new pricey athletic shoes once a season, new boots, etc.

How much did he earn when he was working vs how much you earn? Did you take time off when kids were small.

In some ways 50s is men’s “SAHD” period because they become unemployable

We made roughly the same amount. No, I worked when kids were small although I didn’t start making decent money until they were older.


I totally see that 50s are the SAHD time and I’ve accepted that we don’t have his income. Which means we have to ramp up our savings where we can, including cutting down on non essentials

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These are not huge items but they add up. When I raise the topic, dh gets very defensive and insists these are ‘necessities’ and important for his ‘health’. It is really getting to me as I’m shouldering all the major expenses, and I don’t buy these things for myself. Since being laid off, dh is ‘consulting’ but makes very little.

We have one dc left at home and he now follows dh’s spending patterns.

Examples:
Almost daily smoothies that are $12+
Starbucks
Organic everything - milk, cream, meat, fruit.
Gym membership at pricey gym
Take out - and always with a large drink or two that they end up tossing
New clothing items that they deem ‘necessary’ - eg, new pricey athletic shoes once a season, new boots, etc.

Get an accountant to help you two sort this out without hurting your marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been married for 20 years and we have always had separate bank accounts and credit cards so I get that. Maybe weird to some people but works for us. It sounds like you are enabling your DH and your son. If DH doesn’t work where is he getting the money from to pay for his wasteful choices? If it is coming from you why don’t you tell him how you feel and get yourselves on a budget? And no way in hell would I be paying for any of this for a teenage son. He can get a job. This isn’t just on them, you are allowing it.