Living on my salary alone bc dh was laid off. How do I convince DH to cut back on non essentials?

[Anonymous]

If he's so into health why buy any cream?
If he's so into health why all the sugary drinkies?
If he's so into health carry a water bottle and don't buy drinkies because you are "thirsty."
It's not health it's I WANNA BUY STUFF AS TREATIES

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read other threads. It is financial abuse to control what the non employed spouse spends. It is all family money and it doesn't matter who earns it.

Please tell me this is sarcasm.

Not at all, if sexes were reversed then the "it's my income" and "its my money" and "we have separate accounts and she can't access my money" and "she shouldn't be buying coffee" would lead to pages of abuse and control allegations.

[Anonymous]

Make a budget and understand how you are spending money right now. Sounds like you are trying to reduce wherever you can, but his mindset is more what can we afford. Dh and I are opposite. He spends as little as possible. I spend within limits.

We did this budgeting exercise early in our marriage. DH came back and said we dont spend enough doing fun stuff. I realized I wanted to spend less on luxuries, even though we could technically afford it. We have very different approaches to money, but we rarely argue about it now.

[Anonymous]

With the use of debit and credit cards, it is very easy to see where money is going. Do you have a budget? If not, you both need to do a deep dive on where your money is going. The numbers don’t lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With the use of debit and credit cards, it is very easy to see where money is going. Do you have a budget? If not, you both need to do a deep dive on where your money is going. The numbers don’t lie.

We don’t share credit cards or a bank account

[Anonymous]

Are you very high income? Is this cutting into your savings? Have you guys ever done a budget or looked at your expenses vs income?

I use Monarch Money and find it helpful to identify where our spending is and where we can cut back. Dh retired from the military a couple of years ago and we just have the retirement pay and my income coming in right now. Things were fine until I did our taxes last April and realized he didn’t set things up to withhold enough, so we had a giant tax bill and penalties and reduced income once we fixed that. I’ve been cutting things back to reduce our monthly spend. I’d probably go nuts if he got smoothies every day and called me cheap over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. This scenario would drive me crazy. No specific advice but just wanted to say I hope you figure out a plan to deal with this and that your husband gets a job soon.

One thing I would focus on is your son. You can control that more easily. Where is he getting the money for all this? My sons could not spend like this because they don't have access to our credit cards. You need to cut off access to the son's spending money and put him on a tighter budget.

He’s mostly getting it from DH! Who then turns around and asks me to reimburse him. So frustrating. I feel like dh normalizes this sort of spending and then dc and dh joke that I’m cheap when I object. It’s their little inside joke.

Dh and I keep separate bank accounts. Yes I know people think this is weird, but that’s the way we’ve always done it. And right now, I’m very happy about that.

And I have another dc who is away at college who is like me. He doesn’t like to spend on non essentials either - one thing I remember clearly was talking to him as he walked past a Starbucks freshmen year, saying it was too pricey for him - and thinks before he spends money. We are the frugal ones. Dh and other dc spend on crap

Stop reimbursing him. Make him take it out of his account, and if he does not have the money for these things, he can get a job. So can your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the use of debit and credit cards, it is very easy to see where money is going. Do you have a budget? If not, you both need to do a deep dive on where your money is going. The numbers don’t lie.

We don’t share credit cards or a bank account

Is he using his own savings? Honestly it almost sounds like you should figure out a reasonable amount to share with him, transfer that monthly, and let him budget from there.

How are you guys paying the mortgage and household bills?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's so into health why buy any cream?
If he's so into health why all the sugary drinkies?
If he's so into health carry a water bottle and don't buy drinkies because you are "thirsty."
It's not health it's I WANNA BUY STUFF AS TREATIES

I’ll disagree with you on cream but I’ll give you smoothies. Asinine.

I mostly make my coffee at home and I might very occasionally buy a Diet Coke during the work day. Meanwhile he needs a Starbucks and/or a smoothie at least once a day ‘to recharge’. It drives me insane.

And don’t get me started on his vitamin habit. He and dc spend 50 to 75 bucks a month just on vitamins and protein powders and ‘mushroom’ coffee type things. Again, it’s for their ‘health’!

I’ll say the one good thing is that Dh does not drink or smoke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*** Your income alone, not his.

No,no, look at his income alone, which is ZERO.

[Anonymous]

You guys need a budget app to track spending. I use YNAB. Work as a couple to determine household budget, and personal “fun/treats” spending for each of you, and agree on a monthly allowance for your son.

Your income is family income. But both of you need to agree on what’s a reasonable amount for each of you to spend. If he wants $10 smoothies four times a week, that’s $160/month from his “fun money”. You also get the same amount. You need to make a budget together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read other threads. It is financial abuse to control what the non employed spouse spends. It is all family money and it doesn't matter who earns it.

Yes it is family money. So unless the working family member is spending $12 on smoothies and $200+/month on the gym, etc nobody else does either.
You build a budget and cut out extras. Those smoothies can be made for much less at home with a blender...and if you don't have the $$$ that is how you do it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read other threads. It is financial abuse to control what the non employed spouse spends. It is all family money and it doesn't matter who earns it.

Please tell me this is sarcasm.

Not at all, if sexes were reversed then the "it's my income" and "its my money" and "we have separate accounts and she can't access my money" and "she shouldn't be buying coffee" would lead to pages of abuse and control allegations.

Then it’s horseshit to call this financial abuse. This is likely frivolous spending and poor decision making. The DH needs to change their spending habits if they can’t afford these.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM. I don’t buy $12 smoothies but I can’t imagine a situation where would not allow me to get a drink or buy shoes (assuming child, not myself).

I don’t think you should think of it as your money. Sounds like a recipe for resentment.

[Anonymous]

I'm the stay at home parent, and I have never been such a spendthrift! My husband, early on in our marriage, explained our budget and how we should always live within our means. I was entirely clueless at first, but got on board, since obviously it matters to me that our retirement be healthy and that our kids go to college. Our kids are teens and young adults and we have instilled in them my husband's frugal habits.

You need to sit them both down and have a Come To Jesus with them.