DH filed for divorce without discussion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly you’re exhausting OP. He wants a divorce. He’s not a monster and you’re not a victim. You’re just two people getting a divorce. Drop the helplessness, find a dog sitter, get your hair done and put on your big girl pants. He doesn’t choose you anymore.‘I’m sorry because I know how much it hurts- but accept it and march on because this vilification of him and the whole “pearl clutching who DOES that routine won’t help you too divide your estate and move on.

OP. I know he’s allowed to want to be done.

But someone who serves papers and doesn’t sit down like an adult with the parent of his child and say “let’s talk together and determine a plan that will best work for our child who just changed cities, moved twice in one year, settled into their house 6 months ago, made new friends, made the team, and starts a brand new school next week” and instead serves papers the week before the first week of school and leaves town deserves something more than “divide your estate and move on”.

No, let’s spend the first 3 months of the school year in litigation, especially when one parent is the primary parent doing everything at home and the other will be on 80% travel and can take quiet calls with their attorney from a desk.

You mention school and sports so don’t you have all day free to have quiet conversations, without the burden of having to make money to support you all? Are you a sahp to one school aged child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Wow- this is me 100%. He took everything- I had been out of the workforce for 12 years. With primary custody I recentered my career (sales) and was out earning him, - instead of being fateful to be off the hook for alimony or CS/ he chose to file for 50/50 the second he found out I was out earning him/ so that I’d have to pay him.

I worked my ASS off and thought it would help me. Nah. Sit back/ collect your check and f these pathetic leeches.

Wait, so you thought you could make more than him and not pay child support? And why should he have been grateful that a grown woman acted like a grown adult?

Men also work their ASS off and have to pay child support, why would the rules be different for a woman?

NP and also a woman.

Read better the PP had primary custody. It warrants very little CS usually so little that it’s not worth paying for lawyers trying to get it. Her exH was an a..s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly you’re exhausting OP. He wants a divorce. He’s not a monster and you’re not a victim. You’re just two people getting a divorce. Drop the helplessness, find a dog sitter, get your hair done and put on your big girl pants. He doesn’t choose you anymore.‘I’m sorry because I know how much it hurts- but accept it and march on because this vilification of him and the whole “pearl clutching who DOES that routine won’t help you too divide your estate and move on.

OP. I know he’s allowed to want to be done.

But someone who serves papers and doesn’t sit down like an adult with the parent of his child and say “let’s talk together and determine a plan that will best work for our child who just changed cities, moved twice in one year, settled into their house 6 months ago, made new friends, made the team, and starts a brand new school next week” and instead serves papers the week before the first week of school and leaves town deserves something more than “divide your estate and move on”.

No, let’s spend the first 3 months of the school year in litigation, especially when one parent is the primary parent doing everything at home and the other will be on 80% travel and can take quiet calls with their attorney from a desk.

OP … you need to drop the fixation on him serving you. Just because he filed papers does not mean you cannot sit down and mediate (formally with a mediator or just between the two of you). All it means is that he is sure about divorce and wants to move forward. You already know he doesn’t care about you, so it’s unclear why you think he should show you deference during the divorce process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Thank you and I’m sorry. I’m so angry that he would tell me after business hours and when he knows I am caring for our child full-time this week with zero camps or sports practices. I’m furious. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Tell him he needs to take your son for a couple of days next week, since you need to look for and consult an attorney. You’re not obligated to make sure he can work unbothered by parental responsibilities. He did this, and now he can deal with some of the immediate fallout.

Jokes on me. Kid and I were supposed to go on a quick trip next week before school started and DH was going to meet with some workers at the house and watch the dog (dogsitter/ranches all booked because of the holiday week). At the “last minute” early last week, a work trip for this week popped up. Conveniently.

I have been talking to friends all evening sharing the amount of information that is appropriate and one of them might be able to take my kid for a morning if any of the attorneys are in town next week. Pray they’re haven’t already been conflicted out by DH.

Go on the trip. You can talk to the lawyers on the phone there. This is a marathon not a sprint.

I can’t. DH was going to WFH with the dog and we don’t have a dogsitter or spot at a dog camp. All of DH’s stuff is here and he’s been coming a few times a week to eat dinner with us and watch our kid’s activities. I thought he was being true to what we had discussed- taking some time and space to regroup. Apparently he was happy to eat off plates I had washed and grab laundry I’d washed last month before going off to his lawyer’s lair.

I didn’t fully understand when he told me last night because I was a wreck but the *actual filing* is happening and I’m being served next week. Which may be why he hightailed out of town and forced me to stay in town.

Who serves the mother of his child?

Monster.

Take the dog with you on vacation or get local friends to dog sit.

Maybe we could find a large dog-friendly cabin or something? I should at least look even though I’m sure Labor Day week pickings will be slim. On the other hand, I’m afraid to be out of the house if DH has access to it.

I’m taking a box of sentimental things and documents to a friend’s today.

What do you fear your ex would do to your house? I mean- if he’s so scary I’m surprised you want to stay married so badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Thank you and I’m sorry. I’m so angry that he would tell me after business hours and when he knows I am caring for our child full-time this week with zero camps or sports practices. I’m furious. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Tell him he needs to take your son for a couple of days next week, since you need to look for and consult an attorney. You’re not obligated to make sure he can work unbothered by parental responsibilities. He did this, and now he can deal with some of the immediate fallout.

Jokes on me. Kid and I were supposed to go on a quick trip next week before school started and DH was going to meet with some workers at the house and watch the dog (dogsitter/ranches all booked because of the holiday week). At the “last minute” early last week, a work trip for this week popped up. Conveniently.

I have been talking to friends all evening sharing the amount of information that is appropriate and one of them might be able to take my kid for a morning if any of the attorneys are in town next week. Pray they’re haven’t already been conflicted out by DH.

Go on the trip. You can talk to the lawyers on the phone there. This is a marathon not a sprint.

I can’t. DH was going to WFH with the dog and we don’t have a dogsitter or spot at a dog camp. All of DH’s stuff is here and he’s been coming a few times a week to eat dinner with us and watch our kid’s activities. I thought he was being true to what we had discussed- taking some time and space to regroup. Apparently he was happy to eat off plates I had washed and grab laundry I’d washed last month before going off to his lawyer’s lair.

I didn’t fully understand when he told me last night because I was a wreck but the *actual filing* is happening and I’m being served next week. Which may be why he hightailed out of town and forced me to stay in town.

Who serves the mother of his child?

Monster.

Take the dog with you on vacation or get local friends to dog sit.

Maybe we could find a large dog-friendly cabin or something? I should at least look even though I’m sure Labor Day week pickings will be slim. On the other hand, I’m afraid to be out of the house if DH has access to it.

I’m taking a box of sentimental things and documents to a friend’s today.

He can’t lock you out of the house if that is what you are worried about. If he does that is good for you because it is extreme behavior you can use against him in court.

[Anonymous]

I would go for a trip with my child and the dog (or wont give a s…t about soon to be ex not having a dog sitter in this sitting).

While on the trip you can’t be served. My exH was avoiding being served for several months until he found a good lawyer.

You should do the same. It is indeed a very aggressive tactic to file straight for divorce without any prior negotiations of settlement.

Your STBX is a nutcase and I think it will be a bitter divorce because that’s how he’s starting it

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go on the vacation. Kids sometimes like empty free time more than vacations anyway.

I would be tempted not to open the door, or to be out shopping, when the document server drops by.

[Anonymous]

Why? Why would anyone avoid service? It’s simply legal notice that the clock has started ticking/ the end result will be a divorce.

Why play stupid games?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why? Why would anyone avoid service? It’s simply legal notice that the clock has started ticking/ the end result will be a divorce.

Why play stupid games?

To resist someone else's attempt to power play during a week that was supposed to have a different schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why? Why would anyone avoid service? It’s simply legal notice that the clock has started ticking/ the end result will be a divorce.

Why play stupid games?

Well because she already planned to go on vacation. And in this case because yeah, he decided to make the first move, but she doesn’t need to make it easy for him. I have been telling OP she needs to suck it up but in her shoes I would probably be tempted not to open the door and make my STBX pay the process server to sit all day waiting for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Opposite of precarious. He has a huge promotion getting press released after Labor Day but already accounted for in his pay grade and title as of last week. Extensive deferred compensation, etc. God help me.

If you have documentation that the promotion is already done, make sure you keep it. He may have filed now so that you don't get alimony based on the promotion. Timing VERY coincidental, if not.

Unfortunately I can't access anything in his laptop or his employee portal- I only have the overheard conversations and what he told me as the offer was building and he was debating which role to accept. I do have written notes in our shared tax portal from a conversation with our tax guy that show anticipation of certain shorter-term compensation if the offer came through, but I know there is much more significant awards that would happen in years 2-5. I live in a tech-heavy area so the good news is that there are divorce attorneys that specialize in settlements that address this kind of deferred compensation that's common in tech.

Your lawyers can get this information from his employer. I doubt they'd be willing to lie for him.

OP and I think he thought this would be very straightforward and he would walk away with piles of “his” money. I’m not sure if he’s considered how our kid fits into this and is probably imagining coming home to them in our house every night without realizing that’s not what it will look like if the primary parent had been kicked out of that life.

If he’s not medicating his mental health issues then he’s not thinking entirely rationally. Don’t wallow too long. Go see some lawyers and make your own plan. You’ll feel more confident once you have a handle on the situation.

[Anonymous]

Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

If OP enjoys wasting marital funds dodging service to prolong her marriage to a man she is claiming is unwell and scary ….have at it. It’s just dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go for a trip with my child and the dog (or wont give a s…t about soon to be ex not having a dog sitter in this sitting).

While on the trip you can’t be served. My exH was avoiding being served for several months until he found a good lawyer.

You should do the same. It is indeed a very aggressive tactic to file straight for divorce without any prior negotiations of settlement.

Your STBX is a nutcase and I think it will be a bitter divorce because that’s how he’s starting it

DH told me that I will be served via email if I can’t be served in person. It may be allowed in my state.

I do like the word nutcase to describe him. Thank you. It’s the first time I’ve smiled this morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

If OP enjoys wasting marital funds dodging service to prolong her marriage to a man she is claiming is unwell and scary ….have at it. It’s just dumb.

She’s not wasting marital funds. She’s showing him he doesn’t get what he wants in this process just because. I am very pro mediation and settlement but based on how she describes her DH she needs to make a very strong showing of power to him so he knows she will not be steamrolled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

If OP enjoys wasting marital funds dodging service to prolong her marriage to a man she is claiming is unwell and scary ….have at it. It’s just dumb.

Agree with this. I’d imagine a lot of people with this mindset to play games and try to one-up their spouse or make things hard are the types who were very hard to be married to in the first place.