People who loved their partners/spouses but cheated anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

But you are immature. You didn’t get your wife’s input on managing the lack of sex.

I’m not PP, and these threads predictably take the same turns, but her input was turning off sex. There’s no way to legitimately claim not knowing that a spouse would have the impression going in that sex would be part of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It’s absolute torture to care for two people. I haven’t cheated but the amount of time I spend thinking about the other person, I might as well have.

Torture? Try being a betrayed spouse caring for kids and discovering lies and deceit and that you were in a non-monogamous sex relationship without your consent.

Yes, torture. Depression, anger at one’s self, confusion but also love, deep love and care for both people and both families. The worst mind f*ck I could imagine, save for your own parents abandoning you. Everything I believed (like you do now) pulled from under me. You have your own purity to get you out of bed. I don’t. I lost my ability to lecture people because of how I feel. It is not good. And yet I haven’t crossed any physical lines, and we don’t even talk that much anymore—maybe once or twice a month. But the bond is there.

Flame away, I have nothing good to say in my defense except that I know I have nothing but care for both people in my heart.

What a luxury for you to design your life worth the intent of having two soft places to call and two people to adore you. The other side hasn’t been as fortunate. They have to hold your secret, the family shame, and feeling like their entire life was a lie. Feeling like they are inherently unloveable because the person that was supposed to love them didn’t, no matter what you say. All why they were holding YOUR family together so you could do what you wanted.

You missed the part where I haven’t actually done it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

+10000 similar story for me but I’m a DW. I simply enjoy having sex.

For those in "dead bedrooms" here's how it works.
1. Talk to your spouse about sex. Are they okay with the amount you are having, or do they want more? Express you would like more but want it to be consensual. Is it possible to change circumstances to allow for each others' needs to be met?
2. If the answer is not interested, what about an open relationship?
3. If the answer to that is no, then talk about how this is an important need for you in a marriage and proceed to separation.

A lot of people fail at #1. If you have kids and you've never at least tried to plan a date night with a hotel booked, you have no standing to complain about your sex life.

That’s not how it typically works. Typically the spouse withholding won’t engage in the conversation acknowledging that it’s an issue. Often berating the other for bringing it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

+10000 similar story for me but I’m a DW. I simply enjoy having sex.

For those in "dead bedrooms" here's how it works.
1. Talk to your spouse about sex. Are they okay with the amount you are having, or do they want more? Express you would like more but want it to be consensual. Is it possible to change circumstances to allow for each others' needs to be met?
2. If the answer is not interested, what about an open relationship?
3. If the answer to that is no, then talk about how this is an important need for you in a marriage and proceed to separation.

A lot of people fail at #1. If you have kids and you've never at least tried to plan a date night with a hotel booked, you have no standing to complain about your sex life.

That’s not how it typically works. Typically the spouse withholding won’t engage in the conversation acknowledging that it’s an issue. Often berating the other for bringing it up.

Okay then you've checked the box for #1 and likely #2 as well. Time for #3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

+10000 similar story for me but I’m a DW. I simply enjoy having sex.

For those in "dead bedrooms" here's how it works.
1. Talk to your spouse about sex. Are they okay with the amount you are having, or do they want more? Express you would like more but want it to be consensual. Is it possible to change circumstances to allow for each others' needs to be met?
2. If the answer is not interested, what about an open relationship?
3. If the answer to that is no, then talk about how this is an important need for you in a marriage and proceed to separation.

A lot of people fail at #1. If you have kids and you've never at least tried to plan a date night with a hotel booked, you have no standing to complain about your sex life.

The problem for me is that DH has let himself go therefore I still want sex, just not with him.

So leave him. You don’t like him. Move along.

That’s disingenuous advice. What if PP has kids?

The you should realize a relationship
And partnership is more than sex. You have a discussion. You don’t sacrifice the life of your children for the sake of a shag. You don’t take the resources away from the family to get your rocks off. You work with the partner you committed to to have this family in the first place to find a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

But you are immature. You didn’t get your wife’s input on managing the lack of sex.

I’m not PP, and these threads predictably take the same turns, but her input was turning off sex. There’s no way to legitimately claim not knowing that a spouse would have the impression going in that sex would be part of the marriage.

How strange. Most people also think support and their partner not having a second person they are emotionally and physically attached to will be part of marriage either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

+10000 similar story for me but I’m a DW. I simply enjoy having sex.

For those in "dead bedrooms" here's how it works.
1. Talk to your spouse about sex. Are they okay with the amount you are having, or do they want more? Express you would like more but want it to be consensual. Is it possible to change circumstances to allow for each others' needs to be met?
2. If the answer is not interested, what about an open relationship?
3. If the answer to that is no, then talk about how this is an important need for you in a marriage and proceed to separation.

A lot of people fail at #1. If you have kids and you've never at least tried to plan a date night with a hotel booked, you have no standing to complain about your sex life.

The problem for me is that DH has let himself go therefore I still want sex, just not with him.

So leave him. You don’t like him. Move along.

That’s disingenuous advice. What if PP has kids?

Then PP sucks it up or gets divorced or asks for an open marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

+10000 similar story for me but I’m a DW. I simply enjoy having sex.

For those in "dead bedrooms" here's how it works.
1. Talk to your spouse about sex. Are they okay with the amount you are having, or do they want more? Express you would like more but want it to be consensual. Is it possible to change circumstances to allow for each others' needs to be met?
2. If the answer is not interested, what about an open relationship?
3. If the answer to that is no, then talk about how this is an important need for you in a marriage and proceed to separation.

A lot of people fail at #1. If you have kids and you've never at least tried to plan a date night with a hotel booked, you have no standing to complain about your sex life.

That’s not how it typically works. Typically the spouse withholding won’t engage in the conversation acknowledging that it’s an issue. Often berating the other for bringing it up.

The fact that you even use the word “withholding” is a huge tell.

[Anonymous]

All these people with extra time to run a whole second life but no time to help their partner or family get to their happy.

[Anonymous]

Had intense chemistry with someone from work. Was in a years long rut with my spouse at home, very little sexual touch (like 4x a year or less, for years). It was a series of small steps that lead to sex/affair.

It doesn't diminish my love for my spouse but that had become platonic and I was resentful from it.

It was years ago, never caught, thankfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had intense chemistry with someone from work. Was in a years long rut with my spouse at home, very little sexual touch (like 4x a year or less, for years). It was a series of small steps that lead to sex/affair.

It doesn't diminish my love for my spouse but that had become platonic and I was resentful from it.

It was years ago, never caught, thankfully.

It completely diminishes your love. You were dishonest. Your rut was at lest in part of you, as you managed to get out of a rut for else. You took time and effort away from your marriage for someone else and don’t even seem to have any regret and are only thankful you didn’t get caught.

The number of you who find all this acceptable and still call what you have for you spouse as “love” as is actually completely nauseating . What you have is complacency and selfishness to not involve your spouse in the life you agreed upon WITH THEM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

I dont believe in sex outside marriage as that is sinful. What you did is wrong. That being said, while you are responsible for your actions, your wife did play a role in your cheating.

Lol. What is the point of being married then? Why not just keep dating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these people with extra time to run a whole second life but no time to help their partner or family get to their happy.

That's part of what makes it so frustrating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The cause of our divorce was not my affair - never discovered - but my husband coming to terms with feeling trans. So. Accept that there are experiences outside of your own

So you have absolved yourself of all responsibility fitted failure of your marriage, despite the fact that you cheated and married your AP. How convenient for you that he provided cover for your betrayal. What about your AP’s marriage? And btw - everything you have written is a passive story, like you both lived your spouses and didn’t want to blow up your marriages but sometimes that just happens to you. Gross.

Gah you people. You just think that cheating is the bane of humanity. Get a grip. I’m not a cheater but it’s seriously not the end of the world like some of you make it out to be. Unless your entire identity is wrapped up in your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

+10000 similar story for me but I’m a DW. I simply enjoy having sex.

For those in "dead bedrooms" here's how it works.
1. Talk to your spouse about sex. Are they okay with the amount you are having, or do they want more? Express you would like more but want it to be consensual. Is it possible to change circumstances to allow for each others' needs to be met?
2. If the answer is not interested, what about an open relationship?
3. If the answer to that is no, then talk about how this is an important need for you in a marriage and proceed to separation.

A lot of people fail at #1. If you have kids and you've never at least tried to plan a date night with a hotel booked, you have no standing to complain about your sex life.

That’s not how it typically works. Typically the spouse withholding won’t engage in the conversation acknowledging that it’s an issue. Often berating the other for bringing it up.

The fact that you even use the word “withholding” is a huge tell.

^^ this. It’s exactly the kind of chaff thrown up by the spouse who doesn’t want sex. Understands exactly but won’t address the issue