People who loved their partners/spouses but cheated anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The cause of our divorce was not my affair - never discovered - but my husband coming to terms with feeling trans. So. Accept that there are experiences outside of your own

So you have absolved yourself of all responsibility fitted failure of your marriage, despite the fact that you cheated and married your AP. How convenient for you that he provided cover for your betrayal. What about your AP’s marriage? And btw - everything you have written is a passive story, like you both lived your spouses and didn’t want to blow up your marriages but sometimes that just happens to you. Gross.

Gah you people. You just think that cheating is the bane of humanity. Get a grip. I’m not a cheater but it’s seriously not the end of the world like some of you make it out to be. Unless your entire identity is wrapped up in your spouse.

I argued this way, until it happened to me.

I’m actually not averse to ENM. I averse to being lied to, gaslit, diminished, and things that I needed like time and affection, help around the house, being withheld from me. Until he looked me in the eye and said he didn’t do things that I had proof of. Until he used visiting work and parents as an excuse to leave his child and I alone for months, and I believed it, but I now know he was with his AP.

Oh, and I gave him sex dutifully like a good sex doll daily until he had to move for work. I even enjoyed it, but now I see it differently and with complete resentment because that all I was was An aid to help him satisfy whatever he wanted, never seeing me as a person. Because he was happy to leave the person behind.

So judge away. Not all of us are closed minded. I would have accepted something open and honest, and may have even found it stimulating. Instead it’s broken me. Not because he found someone else, but because for so long I was led to, manipulated, and fell into place because I believed it. There was no reason not to.

In your case it’s two separate betrayals.

My ex gaslit and stonewalled me unrelated to cheating. That was incredibly damaging to the point that I would have preferred he’d have had had an affair.

[Anonymous]

Don't have time to read ten pages, but for men, 90% of us received endless rejections when we were dating so when a woman gives us attention in later life, it's as if you can make up for what you missed. And even if the OW is plain, doesn't matter. She still has the same body parts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The cause of our divorce was not my affair - never discovered - but my husband coming to terms with feeling trans. So. Accept that there are experiences outside of your own

So you have absolved yourself of all responsibility fitted failure of your marriage, despite the fact that you cheated and married your AP. How convenient for you that he provided cover for your betrayal. What about your AP’s marriage? And btw - everything you have written is a passive story, like you both lived your spouses and didn’t want to blow up your marriages but sometimes that just happens to you. Gross.

Gah you people. You just think that cheating is the bane of humanity. Get a grip. I’m not a cheater but it’s seriously not the end of the world like some of you make it out to be. Unless your entire identity is wrapped up in your spouse.

My entire identity is not wrapped up in my spouse. In addition to being a wife, I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a co-worker, an employee, a lawyer, an equestrian, a volunteer, a hostess, a patient, and lots of other things. However, I didn't take vows with my children, parents, siblings, friends, employers, co-workers, judges, or doctors to remain faithful to them - the only person I did that with was my husband. I am not financially, socially, or emotionally dependent on my husband, but I do expect that he not have an affair. And if I found out that he did, I imagine it would feel like the end of the world. Your comment is incredibly insensitive to the people whose lives have been upended by affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The part of your brain that falls in love is not the part of your brain that #%*~s. It’s that simple. So people who are very much in love cheat.

With love comes some scruples, so most don’t. And when love dies out, so do the scruples, so there is a higher chance of cheating there.

But love doesn’t necessarily equal fidelity.

I seriously doubt the cheated-upon spouse feels the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriages go thru phases over 50 years.

An affair for 1 or two years when someone was on a deep midlife depression or had unaddressed issues does not negate love…what about the other 48 years? It’s a blip- just variety sex out of the system

If it started with great love/passion and friendship—it is there.

I'm sorry, are you suggesting that cheating on someone when they are at their lowest is somehow ok? Do you even hear yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leaving your spouse is also not easy. How many of you would take it easily that your spouse wants a divorce?

All of you that say leave the spouse before you cheat would act the same way…does it make it easier if your spouse said I want a divorce because either way your life blows up.

Man, you cheaters really will grasp at straws to find anything you can use to justify your points, won't you?

And no, you idiot, it isn't the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving your spouse is also not easy. How many of you would take it easily that your spouse wants a divorce?

All of you that say leave the spouse before you cheat would act the same way…does it make it easier if your spouse said I want a divorce because either way your life blows up.

Man, you cheaters really will grasp at straws to find anything you can use to justify your points, won't you?

And no, you idiot, it isn't the same thing.

+1

So what if it’s not “easy”? -You want it easy? Keep it in your pants . Just say no! Go home to the easy. Why should it all be a say just so you get what you want? How “easy” will it be for your spouse when they find out what’s going on? I suspect you have no throught of that when you’re serving yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriages go thru phases over 50 years.

An affair for 1 or two years when someone was on a deep midlife depression or had unaddressed issues does not negate love…what about the other 48 years? It’s a blip- just variety sex out of the system

If it started with great love/passion and friendship—it is there.

I'm sorry, are you suggesting that cheating on someone when they are at their lowest is somehow ok? Do you even hear yourself?

I was reading this to mean the person who is in the midlife depression is the cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't have time to read ten pages, but for men, 90% of us received endless rejections when we were dating so when a woman gives us attention in later life, it's as if you can make up for what you missed. And even if the OW is plain, doesn't matter. She still has the same body parts.

Doesn’t sound like you actually love your wife if a tiny whiff of attention is enough to make you toss your marriage vows in the garbage with the used condom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

And you don’t think you betrayed her? Your marriage vows? What would she say?

You decided for her . Poor character.

Honestly, I think she would understand, given that physically, she had no interest.

I would venture to say that more men cheat than don’t. As such, in all likelihood, you’ve been cheated on.

If you honestly think she would have understood, why did you lie and sneak around? 🤔

Your premise (that most men cheat), is comically self serving.

You are telling yourself that so you feel “ normal” instead of like a sleaze. The husband everyone dreads having.

Yup, that is you.

Agreed. I don’t think more men cheat than not, but I do think the cheaters cheat way more than they’ll admit. There are absolutely trustworthy men out there and in relationships. There are also many untrustworthy who will cheat on you no matter how gorgeous or dedicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all the women on here crowing about cheating being a violation of wedding vows and the cheater must be a sociopath, etc, I’m assuming none of you have ever been divorced? “For better or for worse”.

Is your excuse for cheating that it’s equivalent to divorce by “violating” the vows? You’re a sick one. Cheaters need to do anything to justify their abhorrent behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What burns me as a woman who has been high deuce is the dissolution of everything to sex. These poor people who weren’t getting sex, without thinking of the things the betrayed spouse was also going without. All the resources, and sex, poured into an affair partner.

Think they didn’t want novelty, emotional
Support, flirting, thinks to make them feel alive and energized? No, you thought about yourself and what it was YOU needed, even at the detriment to the person you say you loved.

The point of love is to help people when they’re lower that you are, not kick them down. Finding a replacement for any of the things you’re supposed to be helping with k is them down.

+1
Maybe they wouldn’t need to cheat if they poured that cheating “effort” into their spouse.
But it’s easier to f*** off, abdicate responsibility and go about your selfish merry way.
IMO it comes down to character. I don’t think you can say you love your partner while neglecting them and taking on a side piece. That is very selfish, and speaks to how much cheaters love THEMSELVES and want to get whatever they think they’re entitled to. It has nothing to do with love for their partner or family.

[Anonymous]

Cheaters need to do all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify their behavior. I’m sure in their mind, “but I love(d) my wife!” Makes it better to them somehow. Ruining the life of someone you claim to love seems far worse to me, but who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all the women on here crowing about cheating being a violation of wedding vows and the cheater must be a sociopath, etc, I’m assuming none of you have ever been divorced? “For better or for worse”.

Is your excuse for cheating that it’s equivalent to divorce by “violating” the vows? You’re a sick one. Cheaters need to do anything to justify their abhorrent behavior.

If you have kids, it’s arguably worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop justifying your bad behavior and get a divorce. You don't love your spouse if you are cheating.

So you’ve never hurt someone you loved? Ever? It happens. People make mad decisions all the time. We’re imperfect. I’m not defending it but this refrain that all cheaters must not love their spouse just ignores that humans make mistakes.

+1