People who loved their partners/spouses but cheated anyway

[Anonymous]

I'm someone who had an affair while saying I loved my husband. My AP said he loved his wife. Neither of us wanted to break up our marriages.

But "love" and "in love" are not the same, as a PP said. We had familial love for our spouses. Both of us had been with our spouses since high school. By adulthood, they felt more like a sibling than a romantic interest (even though we were still having sex). In fact, the lack of romance, affection, flirting, despite begging my husband for it for years, is what drew me to my AP. But we both considered ourselves to have happy marriages, in that we got along and were enmeshed with our in-laws and couldn't fathom not having our spouses in our lives. Just like you wouldn't want to cut off your siblings for a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

But ultimately we both divorced and have been with each other for 12 years now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can love someone but not be in love with them. We were both happily married, but we had intense chemistry and we just fit so well together except for being married. We broke it off since neither one of us was going to change our situation and we knew it had to end. We are still friends and the chemistry is still the same, we just don’t act on it now.

This is the scenario I knew of as well. In the scenarios I was aware of, the couples also all married very young and there was an element of missing out on dating in their twenties.

I also think people can love each other but have an unhappy marriage for a million different reasons, leading them to rationalize having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have low self esteem, emotionally immature (though may seem mature intellectually/successful in the workplace) and seek validation outside their marriage.

This. Explains a lot of emotional affairs or almost-affairs too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have low self esteem, emotionally immature (though may seem mature intellectually/successful in the workplace) and seek validation outside their marriage.

This. Explains a lot of emotional affairs or almost-affairs too.

+1000

[Anonymous]

I'm someone who had an affair while saying I loved my husband. My AP said he loved his wife. Neither of us wanted to break up our marriages.

But "love" and "in love" are not the same, as a PP said. We had familial love for our spouses. Both of us had been with our spouses since high school. By adulthood, they felt more like a sibling than a romantic interest (even though we were still having sex). In fact, the lack of romance, affection, flirting, despite begging my husband for it for years, is what drew me to my AP. But we both considered ourselves to have happy marriages, in that we got along and were enmeshed with our in-laws and couldn't fathom not having our spouses in our lives. Just like you wouldn't want to cut off your siblings for a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

But ultimately we both divorced and have been with each other for 12 years now.

In other words, your character is far from great and you don’t want to admit it to or about yourself so have rationalized your decisions. Your lack of any remorse or acknowledgement for how your decisions affected others is astounding. I can only imagine your ex’s response to this story.

[Anonymous]

I know 2 - low level narcissists who need that outside validation and excitement and adoration. One will never leave his wife and is creepily devoted to her, but has cheated on her fairly consistently for decades. The other, the wife found out and they’re getting a divorce, but for a long time he was trying to patch things up with grandiose claims about her being his soul mate and the only one for him.

Both broken, selfish, immature and weak men, but seem to believe the BS they spew

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can love someone but not be in love with them. We were both happily married, but we had intense chemistry and we just fit so well together except for being married. We broke it off since neither one of us was going to change our situation and we knew it had to end. We are still friends and the chemistry is still the same, we just don’t act on it now.

This is the scenario I knew of as well. In the scenarios I was aware of, the couples also all married very young and there was an element of missing out on dating in their twenties.

I also think people can love each other but have an unhappy marriage for a million different reasons, leading them to rationalize having an affair.

This was our scenario, we both married fairly young and although “happy” obviously something was/is missing that led us to cross the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop justifying your bad behavior and get a divorce. You don't love your spouse if you are cheating.

This x1000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know 2 - low level narcissists who need that outside validation and excitement and adoration. One will never leave his wife and is creepily devoted to her, but has cheated on her fairly consistently for decades. The other, the wife found out and they’re getting a divorce, but for a long time he was trying to patch things up with grandiose claims about her being his soul mate and the only one for him.

Both broken, selfish, immature and weak men, but seem to believe the BS they spew

So your former APs. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone who had an affair while saying I loved my husband. My AP said he loved his wife. Neither of us wanted to break up our marriages.

But "love" and "in love" are not the same, as a PP said. We had familial love for our spouses. Both of us had been with our spouses since high school. By adulthood, they felt more like a sibling than a romantic interest (even though we were still having sex). In fact, the lack of romance, affection, flirting, despite begging my husband for it for years, is what drew me to my AP. But we both considered ourselves to have happy marriages, in that we got along and were enmeshed with our in-laws and couldn't fathom not having our spouses in our lives. Just like you wouldn't want to cut off your siblings for a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

But ultimately we both divorced and have been with each other for 12 years now.

I’ve fantasized about this scenario. If we were both available would we work out or find each other.

[Anonymous]

The part of your brain that falls in love is not the part of your brain that #%*~s. It’s that simple. So people who are very much in love cheat.

With love comes some scruples, so most don’t. And when love dies out, so do the scruples, so there is a higher chance of cheating there.

But love doesn’t necessarily equal fidelity.

[Anonymous]

Agree that it’s something they say. Love to them means their spouse was filling a void for them - childcare, housework, boredom, s*x.

I believe you could have an ONS and actually love your partner, but no way the hiding, lying, gaslighting and manipulation of the spouse when you’re having a long term affair equates anywhere into “love”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The part of your brain that falls in love is not the part of your brain that #%*~s. It’s that simple. So people who are very much in love cheat.

With love comes some scruples, so most don’t. And when love dies out, so do the scruples, so there is a higher chance of cheating there.

But love doesn’t necessarily equal fidelity.

It doesn’t mean fidelity, but the things that come along with infidelity are no longer compatible with love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two different women who basically told me the same story. They had serious boyfriends and were totally head over heals in love. They were having amazing sex with the guys they chester on. But they reacted very badly when their relationships hit rough patches. When the boyfriends started to seem ambivalent and were pretty clear that they were thinking about breaking up, these women couldn't take the stress and uncertainty, and they cheated. The men they cheated with were less desirable but more consistent in showing devotion to the women. One of the women ended up getting busted because the new guy got angry at her, since he didn't know about the first boyfriend, and told the first boyfriend. The other one just denied everything but the first boyfriend suspected something was wrong and they ended up having a bunch of breakups.

Those two women did not cheat. Bf/gf is not a legitimate relationship. It is a fornication arrangement. Those two women fornicated with additional person(s) while fornicating with their regulars.

Ok, Cotton Mather. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who was the "less successful" half of the couple in college but, by mid 40s, was earning much more than her husband. Like five or ten times more. He went to a firm and became a reasonably successful professional but she went to a corporation and got stock options. He became resentful. She may have become a bit condescending, but she doesn't admit it. She says she loved her husband very much but he became incredibly cold and they stopped having sex. She ended up having an affair with someone from work who was even more successful than she is was. He figured it out and left her. The kids disagreed about who was at fault but now they're all capable of celebrating holidays and other family events together. He's got a hot, dumb younger girlfriend and she's struggled to find a man who meets all of her criteria.

He got himself an ego soother, lol.