People who loved their partners/spouses but cheated anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The cause of our divorce was not my affair - never discovered - but my husband coming to terms with feeling trans. So. Accept that there are experiences outside of your own

So you have absolved yourself of all responsibility fitted failure of your marriage, despite the fact that you cheated and married your AP. How convenient for you that he provided cover for your betrayal. What about your AP’s marriage? And btw - everything you have written is a passive story, like you both lived your spouses and didn’t want to blow up your marriages but sometimes that just happens to you. Gross.

Gah you people. You just think that cheating is the bane of humanity. Get a grip. I’m not a cheater but it’s seriously not the end of the world like some of you make it out to be. Unless your entire identity is wrapped up in your spouse.

I think you're missing the point. We're not a bunch of prudes fainting at the mention of sex. But it's a big deal when your cheating spouse walks out on you and your children to start a new life with AP. Like, that's the exact thing you commit NOT to doing by getting married. It's a big deal when the person you trust and committed to is lying and manipulating you every day. It's a big deal when your spouse takes a bunch of unilateral decisions that change where you live, where your kids live, where they go to school, and the financial security you've worked hard to build up.

[Anonymous]

Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The cause of our divorce was not my affair - never discovered - but my husband coming to terms with feeling trans. So. Accept that there are experiences outside of your own

So you have absolved yourself of all responsibility fitted failure of your marriage, despite the fact that you cheated and married your AP. How convenient for you that he provided cover for your betrayal. What about your AP’s marriage? And btw - everything you have written is a passive story, like you both lived your spouses and didn’t want to blow up your marriages but sometimes that just happens to you. Gross.

Gah you people. You just think that cheating is the bane of humanity. Get a grip. I’m not a cheater but it’s seriously not the end of the world like some of you make it out to be. Unless your entire identity is wrapped up in your spouse.

I argued this way, until it happened to me.

I’m actually not averse to ENM. I averse to being lied to, gaslit, diminished, and things that I needed like time and affection, help around the house, being withheld from me. Until he looked me in the eye and said he didn’t do things that I had proof of. Until he used visiting work and parents as an excuse to leave his child and I alone for months, and I believed it, but I now know he was with his AP.

Oh, and I gave him sex dutifully like a good sex doll daily until he had to move for work. I even enjoyed it, but now I see it differently and with complete resentment because that all I was was An aid to help him satisfy whatever he wanted, never seeing me as a person. Because he was happy to leave the person behind.

So judge away. Not all of us are closed minded. I would have accepted something open and honest, and may have even found it stimulating. Instead it’s broken me. Not because he found someone else, but because for so long I was led to, manipulated, and fell into place because I believed it. There was no reason not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The cause of our divorce was not my affair - never discovered - but my husband coming to terms with feeling trans. So. Accept that there are experiences outside of your own

So you have absolved yourself of all responsibility fitted failure of your marriage, despite the fact that you cheated and married your AP. How convenient for you that he provided cover for your betrayal. What about your AP’s marriage? And btw - everything you have written is a passive story, like you both lived your spouses and didn’t want to blow up your marriages but sometimes that just happens to you. Gross.

Gah you people. You just think that cheating is the bane of humanity. Get a grip. I’m not a cheater but it’s seriously not the end of the world like some of you make it out to be. Unless your entire identity is wrapped up in your spouse.

I argued this way, until it happened to me.

I’m actually not averse to ENM. I averse to being lied to, gaslit, diminished, and things that I needed like time and affection, help around the house, being withheld from me. Until he looked me in the eye and said he didn’t do things that I had proof of. Until he used visiting work and parents as an excuse to leave his child and I alone for months, and I believed it, but I now know he was with his AP.

Oh, and I gave him sex dutifully like a good sex doll daily until he had to move for work. I even enjoyed it, but now I see it differently and with complete resentment because that all I was was An aid to help him satisfy whatever he wanted, never seeing me as a person. Because he was happy to leave the person behind.

So judge away. Not all of us are closed minded. I would have accepted something open and honest, and may have even found it stimulating. Instead it’s broken me. Not because he found someone else, but because for so long I was led to, manipulated, and fell into place because I believed it. There was no reason not to.

ETA- I could have found my other own happiness during that time. But I want alllowed to. THAT is the problem. I was watching his child while he was out at wineries and in someone else’s bed. I dutifully was being the person at home while he was “having a hard time at work”. I laid out my own happiness and got nothing in return but resentment, lies, and loss.

Nope, he’s not my reason for being, but his absence made it that way because someone needs to run the home and be stable for the kids. You stay sold and do extra to be kid because. They’re so busy and burdened. That’s what partners do, right? But he was out spending all that on someone else.

Get it now?

[Anonymous]

Marriages go thru phases over 50 years.

An affair for 1 or two years when someone was on a deep midlife depression or had unaddressed issues does not negate love…what about the other 48 years? It’s a blip- just variety sex out of the system

If it started with great love/passion and friendship—it is there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriages go thru phases over 50 years.

An affair for 1 or two years when someone was on a deep midlife depression or had unaddressed issues does not negate love…what about the other 48 years? It’s a blip- just variety sex out of the system

If it started with great love/passion and friendship—it is there.

But so did their affair, right? So much friendship, love and passion it overrode the other person.their happiness, their time, their emotional investment, their future that you’re not interested in?

Why should one person get everything and the other person get NOTHING but scraps. Please explain it to me. When they chose their arise partner, they made their partner secondary. So why is that okay? Because the cheater decided so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

And you don’t think you betrayed her? Your marriage vows? What would she say?

You decided for her . Poor character.

Honestly, I think she would understand, given that physically, she had no interest.

I would venture to say that more men cheat than don’t. As such, in all likelihood, you’ve been cheated on.

If you honestly think she would have understood, why did you lie and sneak around? 🤔

Your premise (that most men cheat), is comically self serving.

You are telling yourself that so you feel “ normal” instead of like a sleaze. The husband everyone dreads having.

Yup, that is you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

And you don’t think you betrayed her? Your marriage vows? What would she say?

You decided for her . Poor character.

Honestly, I think she would understand, given that physically, she had no interest.

I would venture to say that more men cheat than don’t. As such, in all likelihood, you’ve been cheated on.

If you honestly think she would have understood, why did you lie and sneak around? 🤔

Your premise (that most men cheat), is comically self serving.

You are telling yourself that so you feel “ normal” instead of like a sleaze. The husband everyone dreads having.

Yup, that is you.

The actual proportion of husbands that cheat over their lifetime is between 20 and 25%.

So, you are not average OP. You are below average and your poor wife deserved better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriages go thru phases over 50 years.

An affair for 1 or two years when someone was on a deep midlife depression or had unaddressed issues does not negate love…what about the other 48 years? It’s a blip- just variety sex out of the system

If it started with great love/passion and friendship—it is there.

Sure I could probably roll with this. But not sure how it even happens that the affair ends and the spouse comes back and isn’t burning the marriage down in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

You decided for her . Poor character.

Honestly, I think she would understand, given that physically, she had no interest.

I would venture to say that more men cheat than don’t. As such, in all likelihood, you’ve been cheated on.

If you honestly think she would have understood, why did you lie and sneak around? 🤔

Your premise (that most men cheat), is comically self serving.

You are telling yourself that so you feel “ normal” instead of like a sleaze. The husband everyone dreads having.

Yup, that is you.

The actual proportion of husbands that cheat over their lifetime is between 20 and 25%.

So, you are not average OP. You are below average and your poor wife deserved better.

Isn’t this 20% the self reported number? Many people deny cheating and justify it so they don’t feel any shame for x,y,z reason. Like it was an ONS, they didn’t have P I V, it was only emotional, it didn’t mean anything, blah blah blah.

And you don’t think you betrayed her? Your marriage vows? What would she say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriages go thru phases over 50 years.

An affair for 1 or two years when someone was on a deep midlife depression or had unaddressed issues does not negate love…what about the other 48 years? It’s a blip- just variety sex out of the system

If it started with great love/passion and friendship—it is there.

Sure I could probably roll with this. But not sure how it even happens that the affair ends and the spouse comes back and isn’t burning the marriage down in other ways.

My wife had cancer for a few years so I had an affair! It’s okay right, because she was sick for 2 years out of our 50!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone who had an affair while saying I loved my husband. My AP said he loved his wife. Neither of us wanted to break up our marriages.

But "love" and "in love" are not the same, as a PP said. We had familial love for our spouses. Both of us had been with our spouses since high school. By adulthood, they felt more like a sibling than a romantic interest (even though we were still having sex). In fact, the lack of romance, affection, flirting, despite begging my husband for it for years, is what drew me to my AP. But we both considered ourselves to have happy marriages, in that we got along and were enmeshed with our in-laws and couldn't fathom not having our spouses in our lives. Just like you wouldn't want to cut off your siblings for a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

But ultimately we both divorced and have been with each other for 12 years now.

So weird that you had sex with someone who felt like a sibling, and decided (without their knowledge or consent) that two adults can be happily married while one is lying to and cheating on the trusting spouse.

Lots of lies and self delusion in your post. And I am sure that you did tons of psychological damage to your former spouses and kids.

The happy part of your post that this two people with your “values” (or lack thereof) wound up together. That is justice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It’s absolute torture to care for two people. I haven’t cheated but the amount of time I spend thinking about the other person, I might as well have.

Similar situation. I can’t not think of this person every day and I feel guilty about it. But there’s no stopping the feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

And you don’t think you betrayed her? Your marriage vows? What would she say?

You decided for her . Poor character.

Honestly, I think she would understand, given that physically, she had no interest.

I would venture to say that more men cheat than don’t. As such, in all likelihood, you’ve been cheated on.

If you honestly think she would have understood, why did you lie and sneak around? 🤔

Your premise (that most men cheat), is comically self serving.

You are telling yourself that so you feel “ normal” instead of like a sleaze. The husband everyone dreads having.

Yup, that is you.

The actual proportion of husbands that cheat over their lifetime is between 20 and 25%.

So, you are not average OP. You are below average and your poor wife deserved better.

Sorry, this post was directed at PP, not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone who had an affair while saying I loved my husband. My AP said he loved his wife. Neither of us wanted to break up our marriages.

But "love" and "in love" are not the same, as a PP said. We had familial love for our spouses. Both of us had been with our spouses since high school. By adulthood, they felt more like a sibling than a romantic interest (even though we were still having sex). In fact, the lack of romance, affection, flirting, despite begging my husband for it for years, is what drew me to my AP. But we both considered ourselves to have happy marriages, in that we got along and were enmeshed with our in-laws and couldn't fathom not having our spouses in our lives. Just like you wouldn't want to cut off your siblings for a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

But ultimately we both divorced and have been with each other for 12 years now.

So weird that you had sex with someone who felt like a sibling, and decided (without their knowledge or consent) that two adults can be happily married while one is lying to and cheating on the trusting spouse.

Lots of lies and self delusion in your post. And I am sure that you did tons of psychological damage to your former spouses and kids.

The happy part of your post that this two people with your “values” (or lack thereof) wound up together. That is justice.

+1 how nice that you protected your own interests! Yay for you! Maybe you should have given your spouses the opportunity to look for love while you were shattering their worlds. But it wa always about you you you!!