Punctuality Disagreement

[Anonymous]

Being on time is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.

Wow so you'd not only require your spouse to be late because of you, you'd throw away your marriage over this?

This is the kind of bizarre behavior that makes on-time people think always-late people are controlling narcissists.

Spouse A is the one throwing away the marriage over this. Abandoning your spouse because you want to please a co-worker shows where their priority was. This was just a random diner, nothing critically important enough to justify leaving your spouse behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

Spouse A should have done this a long time ago—and should also stop giving me, a Spouse B, such agita when we are trying to get out the door. (In fact, he can take the car and let me taken an Uber—that would be fine also.)

Whether Spouse A was TRYING to embarrass Spouse B is not discernable based on the facts above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.

Wow, I thought it was strange an earlier pp said this B side was narcissistic behavior, not chill. (I fall on the A side.) But, dang, there is A LOT to unpack with your comment….honoring commitment shows he’s not committed to you. You definitely prove pp’s point it its a test or gotcha.

Yes, you don't leave your spouse behind over a meaningless diner with co-workers. You get there late, you apologized and you work out the issue with your spouse. You don't throw you spouse under the bus in front of co-workers.

[Anonymous]

I get that cultural differences may come into play with some events, but a restaurant reservation isn’t one of them. I’d be surprised if a busy restaurant would even hold your table for 30 minutes past the reservation time. And many won’t seat incomplete parties because the host knows full well that your late companion who is “parking” or “just around the corner” hasn’t even left their house yet and may not show up at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.

Wow so you'd not only require your spouse to be late because of you, you'd throw away your marriage over this?

This is the kind of bizarre behavior that makes on-time people think always-late people are controlling narcissists.

Spouse A is the one throwing away the marriage over this. Abandoning your spouse because you want to please a co-worker shows where their priority was. This was just a random diner, nothing critically important enough to justify leaving your spouse behind.

Oh FFS, it's not "pleasing" a coworker it's showing basic courtesy, the bare minimum really. Sorry you're not able to achieve that. And acting like you're "abandoned" because you had to take a separate car due entirely to your own tardiness is pathetic. Grow up and accept the consequences of your choices. Your marriage can be perfectly fine going in separate cars, if you're capable of getting an Uber. Or is that too much adulting for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.

Wow, I thought it was strange an earlier pp said this B side was narcissistic behavior, not chill. (I fall on the A side.) But, dang, there is A LOT to unpack with your comment….honoring commitment shows he’s not committed to you. You definitely prove pp’s point it its a test or gotcha.

Yes, you don't leave your spouse behind over a meaningless diner with co-workers. You get there late, you apologized and you work out the issue with your spouse. You don't throw you spouse under the bus in front of co-workers.

If there's nothing wrong with being late, why would Spouse A have anything to apologize for? And why would telling them that Spouse B is running late be throwing under the bus? Since there's nothing wrong with being late, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time and punctuality is very culturally driven.

This is equivalent to “I’m always late because I’m a Gemini”

No. You’re late because you are inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

It’s not so straightforward. If you’re in the US, the general rules are as follows:

- work interview: 5-10 minutes early
- work meeting: 2 minutes early
- restaurant date: -/+ 2 minutes
- house party: polite to show up 15-20 minutes after stated start time
- kid’s b’day party: show up 3-5 mins after start time if at a house, on time if at a venue
- dinner party: 5 minutes late

The rules differ in other countries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.

Wow, I thought it was strange an earlier pp said this B side was narcissistic behavior, not chill. (I fall on the A side.) But, dang, there is A LOT to unpack with your comment….honoring commitment shows he’s not committed to you. You definitely prove pp’s point it its a test or gotcha.

Yes, you don't leave your spouse behind over a meaningless diner with co-workers. You get there late, you apologized and you work out the issue with your spouse. You don't throw you spouse under the bus in front of co-workers.

If there's nothing wrong with being late, why would Spouse A have anything to apologize for? And why would telling them that Spouse B is running late be throwing under the bus? Since there's nothing wrong with being late, right?

No, Spouse A feels like being late is very bad and that's why they would apologize to the co-worker and move on.
Spouse thinks it is not a big deal.
The fact that Spouse B makes it such a big deal that they are willing to abandon their spouse is concerning.
If the co-worker gets mad because you were late and don't want to have diner with you anymore, ok fine, what's the big deal.
But, if your spouse gets mad because you left them behind, your marriage is at risk. Do you really want to risk your marriage because you are trying to please a co-worker? Your marriage should be your priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA

Surely you can see that won't work for dinner reservations?

I posted earlier that my husband is often late. He’s a surgeon and sometimes cases go late.
It’s fine for dinner reservations. I just order his food when everyone orders, and he shows up when he shows up.

Surely you can see how this is different from OP’s confession that she’s not saving lives, it’s that she just doesn’t like these people who aren’t good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.

Wow so you'd not only require your spouse to be late because of you, you'd throw away your marriage over this?

This is the kind of bizarre behavior that makes on-time people think always-late people are controlling narcissists.

Spouse A is the one throwing away the marriage over this. Abandoning your spouse because you want to please a co-worker shows where their priority was. This was just a random diner, nothing critically important enough to justify leaving your spouse behind.

A random dinner…
Nothing critically important…
A test…
Throwing a marriage away because spouse won’t arrive 30 minutes late to dinner…

I can’t quit DCUM because it’s just too good material. Even if these are trolls, the nugget of truth is there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.

Wow, I thought it was strange an earlier pp said this B side was narcissistic behavior, not chill. (I fall on the A side.) But, dang, there is A LOT to unpack with your comment….honoring commitment shows he’s not committed to you. You definitely prove pp’s point it its a test or gotcha.

Yes, you don't leave your spouse behind over a meaningless diner with co-workers. You get there late, you apologized and you work out the issue with your spouse. You don't throw you spouse under the bus in front of co-workers.

How is it throwing a spouse under the bus by saying “we came separately, she’s on her way.” ?? OP, you’re dramatizing this. It sounds like you’re addicted to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.

Wow, I thought it was strange an earlier pp said this B side was narcissistic behavior, not chill. (I fall on the A side.) But, dang, there is A LOT to unpack with your comment….honoring commitment shows he’s not committed to you. You definitely prove pp’s point it its a test or gotcha.

Yes, you don't leave your spouse behind over a meaningless diner with co-workers. You get there late, you apologized and you work out the issue with your spouse. You don't throw you spouse under the bus in front of co-workers.

If there's nothing wrong with being late, why would Spouse A have anything to apologize for? And why would telling them that Spouse B is running late be throwing under the bus? Since there's nothing wrong with being late, right?

No, Spouse A feels like being late is very bad and that's why they would apologize to the co-worker and move on.
Spouse thinks it is not a big deal.
The fact that Spouse B makes it such a big deal that they are willing to abandon their spouse is concerning.
If the co-worker gets mad because you were late and don't want to have diner with you anymore, ok fine, what's the big deal.
But, if your spouse gets mad because you left them behind, your marriage is at risk. Do you really want to risk your marriage because you are trying to please a co-worker? Your marriage should be your priority.

But why would Spouse B need to get so mad? Just arrive separately, it's fine, there's no need to be so dramatic about it. If arriving separately bothers you that much, be ready on time. Why is that so hard for you?

This is a great example of how people are late because they want to control others and draw attention to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.

Wow, I thought it was strange an earlier pp said this B side was narcissistic behavior, not chill. (I fall on the A side.) But, dang, there is A LOT to unpack with your comment….honoring commitment shows he’s not committed to you. You definitely prove pp’s point it its a test or gotcha.

Yes, you don't leave your spouse behind over a meaningless diner with co-workers. You get there late, you apologized and you work out the issue with your spouse. You don't throw you spouse under the bus in front of co-workers.

If there's nothing wrong with being late, why would Spouse A have anything to apologize for? And why would telling them that Spouse B is running late be throwing under the bus? Since there's nothing wrong with being late, right?

No, Spouse A feels like being late is very bad and that's why they would apologize to the co-worker and move on.
Spouse thinks it is not a big deal.
The fact that Spouse B makes it such a big deal that they are willing to abandon their spouse is concerning.
If the co-worker gets mad because you were late and don't want to have diner with you anymore, ok fine, what's the big deal.
But, if your spouse gets mad because you left them behind, your marriage is at risk. Do you really want to risk your marriage because you are trying to please a co-worker? Your marriage should be your priority.

If the marriage is a priority, Spouse B should be ready on time. Spouse B is risking the marriage by being late and then throwing a tantrum about having to travel separately. Do you find it less embarrassing if you've coerced your spouse into being late with you? I think it's twice as embarrassing because now two people are late. And I really don't understand why traveling separately is so burdensome. You brought it on yourself by being late, own it.