Punctuality Disagreement

[Anonymous]

Neither of you will change so give up on trying to change your spouse. I come from such a culture, and I am punctual myself, and I cannot count the number of times I’d be meeting a group of friends and sitting for about 1/2 an hour alone at a restaurant waiting for the others to show up. And it’s not rude, it’s just the perception of timeliness. To you, 8:00 pm is the deadline to show up. For your spouse, they perceive it as “from 8:00 pm”.

So, repeat after me: your spouse will not change. This is too ingrained. So adapt.

When it really matters, give your spouse an earlier time. You know the event is at 8, you need to leave at 7:30, so tell your spouse you guys need to leave at 6:45. Or just tell your spouse to be ready at 6:45.

Also, it’s completely fine to arrive separately - much better than for you to be standing there fuming, and for you to be having fights over this.

[Anonymous]

So it's not enough for your spouse to put up with your lateness, you also need your spouse to be late *with* you, as a test of loyalty?

Dear God that's bizarre. But it's fascinating to meet someone who actually admits they're late a means of control and manipulation, so thanks for that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA

Surely you can see that won't work for dinner reservations?

I posted earlier that my husband is often late. He’s a surgeon and sometimes cases go late.
It’s fine for dinner reservations. I just order his food when everyone orders, and he shows up when he shows up.

Surely you can see how this is different from OP’s confession that she’s not saving lives, it’s that she just doesn’t like these people who aren’t good friends.

You don’t know what she was doing. All you know is that the military guy thought she was “dithering.”
She could easily be a surgeon getting home late, and her husband doesn’t think she is getting ready fast enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA

Surely you can see that won't work for dinner reservations?

I posted earlier that my husband is often late. He’s a surgeon and sometimes cases go late.
It’s fine for dinner reservations. I just order his food when everyone orders, and he shows up when he shows up.

Surely you can see how this is different from OP’s confession that she’s not saving lives, it’s that she just doesn’t like these people who aren’t good friends.

You don’t know what she was doing. All you know is that the military guy thought she was “dithering.”
She could easily be a surgeon getting home late, and her husband doesn’t think she is getting ready fast enough.

Ok, so travel separately. Why the need for the loyalty test of mutual lateness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA

Surely you can see that won't work for dinner reservations?

I posted earlier that my husband is often late. He’s a surgeon and sometimes cases go late.
It’s fine for dinner reservations. I just order his food when everyone orders, and he shows up when he shows up.

Surely you can see how this is different from OP’s confession that she’s not saving lives, it’s that she just doesn’t like these people who aren’t good friends.

You don’t know what she was doing. All you know is that the military guy thought she was “dithering.”
She could easily be a surgeon getting home late, and her husband doesn’t think she is getting ready fast enough.

Ok, so travel separately. Why the need for the loyalty test of mutual lateness?

Pp you are replying to.
I didn’t read that part of the thread. I found it difficult to follow.
I was agreeing with someone who said that this could have all been done without the threats and drama from spouse A.

[Anonymous]

I am generally spouse A. But I'm also flexible enough to see when punctuality isn't a big deal. There are some events, like house parties or happy hours, where you can roll in a bit later and it's fine. Most house parties, for example, don't start right on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA

Surely you can see that won't work for dinner reservations?

I posted earlier that my husband is often late. He’s a surgeon and sometimes cases go late.
It’s fine for dinner reservations. I just order his food when everyone orders, and he shows up when he shows up.

Surely you can see how this is different from OP’s confession that she’s not saving lives, it’s that she just doesn’t like these people who aren’t good friends.

You don’t know what she was doing. All you know is that the military guy thought she was “dithering.”
She could easily be a surgeon getting home late, and her husband doesn’t think she is getting ready fast enough.

She literally attributed it to a/ her culture and b/ her distraction. She was long-winded about how these are merely work friends, not good friends, so I’m sure she’d add in extra drama bonus points for being a surgeon. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA

Surely you can see that won't work for dinner reservations?

I posted earlier that my husband is often late. He’s a surgeon and sometimes cases go late.
It’s fine for dinner reservations. I just order his food when everyone orders, and he shows up when he shows up.

Honestly, it’s still rude. If he’s not available because he’s saving lives, that’s fine. Making dinner plans and then showing up “when he shows up” is rude. Maybe your friends are fine with it, but if it happened to me more than once, I would probably not make dinner plans with y’all because to me, going to dinner means going together and ordering together and eating together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA

Do these people not have kids?

Also if my spouse misses a flight for no reason, yes that would mess up most vacations / travel plans. Plus you often have to pay for a new flight if missing it was entirely of your own doing.

Crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA

Surely you can see that won't work for dinner reservations?

I posted earlier that my husband is often late. He’s a surgeon and sometimes cases go late.
It’s fine for dinner reservations. I just order his food when everyone orders, and he shows up when he shows up.

Surely you can see how this is different from OP’s confession that she’s not saving lives, it’s that she just doesn’t like these people who aren’t good friends.

You don’t know what she was doing. All you know is that the military guy thought she was “dithering.”
She could easily be a surgeon getting home late, and her husband doesn’t think she is getting ready fast enough.

OP would *definitely* have told us if she was a surgeon, or if there was any reason for not being ready on time (X came up, etc)..but instead OP is saying this is routine behavior.

[Anonymous]

you need to be on time for dinner reservations and it's disrespectful to your spouse to not take something important to them seriously.

but really I am here to say that this was an episode of Everybody loves Raymond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA

Surely you can see that won't work for dinner reservations?

I posted earlier that my husband is often late. He’s a surgeon and sometimes cases go late.
It’s fine for dinner reservations. I just order his food when everyone orders, and he shows up when he shows up.

I am a surgical resident, so I am the latest one in the room because I always have to close.

Your spouse doesn’t have cases 7 days a week. Certainly not late add-ons 7 days a week. Don’t schedule dinners on work days. You don’t speak for your dining companions when you assert that your spouse’s absence is no biggie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA

Surely you can see that won't work for dinner reservations?

I posted earlier that my husband is often late. He’s a surgeon and sometimes cases go late.
It’s fine for dinner reservations. I just order his food when everyone orders, and he shows up when he shows up.

Surely you can see how this is different from OP’s confession that she’s not saving lives, it’s that she just doesn’t like these people who aren’t good friends.

You don’t know what she was doing. All you know is that the military guy thought she was “dithering.”
She could easily be a surgeon getting home late, and her husband doesn’t think she is getting ready fast enough.

She says in her OP that she doesn't prioritize being on time and gets distracted. That doesn't sound like some surgeon getting home late. She's just a selfish narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am generally spouse A. But I'm also flexible enough to see when punctuality isn't a big deal. There are some events, like house parties or happy hours, where you can roll in a bit later and it's fine. Most house parties, for example, don't start right on time.

It wasn't a house party, you M. It was a dinner reservation with work friends of her spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA

Surely you can see that won't work for dinner reservations?

I posted earlier that my husband is often late. He’s a surgeon and sometimes cases go late.
It’s fine for dinner reservations. I just order his food when everyone orders, and he shows up when he shows up.

Surely you can see how this is different from OP’s confession that she’s not saving lives, it’s that she just doesn’t like these people who aren’t good friends.

You don’t know what she was doing. All you know is that the military guy thought she was “dithering.”
She could easily be a surgeon getting home late, and her husband doesn’t think she is getting ready fast enough.

Ok, so travel separately. Why the need for the loyalty test of mutual lateness?

Pp you are replying to.
I didn’t read that part of the thread. I found it difficult to follow.
I was agreeing with someone who said that this could have all been done without the threats and drama from spouse A.

Threats, or just fair warning?