DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.

[Anonymous]

Which one of you owns the home? If she owns it, you need to move in with your mother. If you own it, tell her she needs to either tolerate your mother or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so interesting that the word “smug” gets thrown around here any time anyone else can do something successfulkybthatbthrbposter could not.

You realize that that people all over the world share inter generational households? That doing that takes years of planning and communication and agreement? That there is a degree of family values at play? These families probably doesn’t see theirs in the same way as you do.

The ones being referred to as smug are the ones that have never done this and judge others that can’t or are unable to. More power to those that have successfully lived this way but it doesn’t mean a person loves their parents less or more than the next. It’s not a competition. Everyone has to do what works for them. Attacking someone’s ‘values’ because they can’t live with someone else (for whatever reason) doesn’t sound very kind. You can’t generalize when it comes to these situations or put yourself on a higher moral ground. Some people have abusive family members, some people don’t have the money or resources. Nobody is superior in this situation, you don’t get a prize for doing this.

I wanted to add that I come from this type of culture where they say it’s about their ‘values’ but if you talk to most of the people actually doing the caregiving, they generally feel forced into the situation because of cultural expectations and there is a lot of resentment brewing under the surface.

I’ve both lived with my elderly parents and separate form them, so I speak from both aspects. As much as I would love to do the maximum for everyone, it’s not always physically or emotionally possible.

But kudos to you for your ‘family values’. Clearly the rest of us are lacking.

Who said anything about lacking? Some families value inter generational households, some value making sure older members are placed in specialized housing, etc. Some don’t consider it at all. But in general, families have a set of values that they follow through with with regards to both elder and child care. It’s not a judgment- different families have different values on this.

I’m not really sure about why you’re so prickly about this.

Even those with these "family values" of keeping elderly in the home must realize that many times, being in a facility would be much better for everyone involved. Stressing a woman (because 95% of the time yes it is the woman who end up doing most of the work) out for 10+ years in their 50s-60s and being overburdened with a full time job and then managing an obstinate elderly parent in their house who requires more work than an unruly toddler is not "family values". FV is taking care of your family, and if you can afford it, a good facility can be the best for everyone. Keeps grandma/grandpa as safe as possible, they get to socialize, and their family gets a break and can visit weekly (or more often) and actually enjoy being with them, not stressed about making Sure G&G are safe and don't set the house on fire

This. It's good to read about those "family values". If it was the husbands who had to care for their parents and/or in-laws, you'd see them in a facility in a week! These family values have only existed because there were no other options and women stayed home being lifelong caretakers (first the kids, then the elderly). Now that women have jobs and a life outside their immediate household, these "family values" are not sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife comes first. Find a home or assistance for your mother. Do not move her in!

"a son is a son until he takes a wife".

[Anonymous]

Neither would I OP. Neither would I.

[Anonymous]

I pray that AI powered robots will be there soon to help us with daily eldercare, daily childcare, daily pet/plant care and daily household care.

I don't worry about AI taking away our jobs because there are a million tasks that humans need to do and we just cannot do it. I want robots and AI to do it for us, so that we can put some life into the years that we live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

is your mom a wench? stick with your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

+1

100% agree. This country has no respect and love for family and elders. Gross.

Nope. You rwnjs think women should be subservient and be responsible for all this eldercare. We all know op is a troll who starts these posts just to get these arguments going. It's not possible to do this when working full time and raising a family if the old folks need serious care.

All this work falls entirely on the woman in the home and we all know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which one of you owns the home? If she owns it, you need to move in with your mother. If you own it, tell her she needs to either tolerate your mother or leave.

BS. No matter who owns the house only an jerk would unilaterally make this decision.

[Anonymous]

Caregivers are very often injured doing things like lifting people. In care facilities they have protocols to protect staff and people still can get hurt doing lifts (my cousin was and she was only in her 20s) Someone in their 50s or 60s caring for someone in their 80s, can end up pretty severely injured.

It's actually a recognize phenomenon for caregivers to die before the person they're caring for because of the physical toll of caregivers.

As a parent myself I would never, ever want that fate for my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which one of you owns the home? If she owns it, you need to move in with your mother. If you own it, tell her she needs to either tolerate your mother or leave.

I think OP is married to his wife? Not sure though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

+1

100% agree. This country has no respect and love for family and elders. Gross.

Nope. You rwnjs think women should be subservient and be responsible for all this eldercare. We all know op is a troll who starts these posts just to get these arguments going. It's not possible to do this when working full time and raising a family if the old folks need serious care.

All this work falls entirely on the woman in the home and we all know it.

Eldercare for both sets of my grandparents fell entirely on my mom. It's why I never picked up the rope in the first place with my in-laws. I am nice to them, but DH has always been 100% responsible for managing that relationship, and I am for my relationship with my parents. We've agreed not to move either set of parents in with us, but we would provide financial assistance if they needed it to get into an assisted living facility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

+1

100% agree. This country has no respect and love for family and elders. Gross.

This country has no respect and love for failure-to-launch adults children either, so I think it all evens out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so interesting that the word “smug” gets thrown around here any time anyone else can do something successfulkybthatbthrbposter could not.

You realize that that people all over the world share inter generational households? That doing that takes years of planning and communication and agreement? That there is a degree of family values at play? These families probably doesn’t see theirs in the same way as you do.

The ones being referred to as smug are the ones that have never done this and judge others that can’t or are unable to. More power to those that have successfully lived this way but it doesn’t mean a person loves their parents less or more than the next. It’s not a competition. Everyone has to do what works for them. Attacking someone’s ‘values’ because they can’t live with someone else (for whatever reason) doesn’t sound very kind. You can’t generalize when it comes to these situations or put yourself on a higher moral ground. Some people have abusive family members, some people don’t have the money or resources. Nobody is superior in this situation, you don’t get a prize for doing this.

I wanted to add that I come from this type of culture where they say it’s about their ‘values’ but if you talk to most of the people actually doing the caregiving, they generally feel forced into the situation because of cultural expectations and there is a lot of resentment brewing under the surface.

I’ve both lived with my elderly parents and separate form them, so I speak from both aspects. As much as I would love to do the maximum for everyone, it’s not always physically or emotionally possible.

But kudos to you for your ‘family values’. Clearly the rest of us are lacking.

Who said anything about lacking? Some families value inter generational households, some value making sure older members are placed in specialized housing, etc. Some don’t consider it at all. But in general, families have a set of values that they follow through with with regards to both elder and child care. It’s not a judgment- different families have different values on this.

I’m not really sure about why you’re so prickly about this.

IMO, if you can afford it, putting family members into a facility is the way to go. Once you need more than "independent living", it is very stressful to take care of an elderly family member. Once memory care is needed, it's quite dangerous to have them at home unless you can provide 24/7 coverage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I grew up, three generations lived under one roof. But I recognize that American majority don’t love and care for their elders. I cannot believe how many are just so nonchalant about putting your parents in a facility.

Nobody is talking about out putting their parents in a facility on this thread. You sound like another one of those that talks the talk but hasn’t actually walked it. Come back after you have actually done what you think is so easy to do.

Nothing wrong with a facility. My parents live 3K miles from me (and the other sibling is 1.5K miles away and useless, hasn't visited them in 15 years). They are in a CCRC so that they have the care they need. for now it's independent living, but we love knowing that they have the advanced care right there should they ever require it, they will be moved to the next level of care immediately. They won't move closer to me, and quite frankly, we travel and are on the go, so it's difficult to count on us if an emergency happens and I'm 6K miles away on a trip. This way they have the care they need, they are happy, and we are too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've lived through having a grandparent with dementia (lived with my other grandparent) and just how much stress it was and how difficult and unsafe the situation before grandparent was moved into a specific facility (to stop the wandering).

You just can't expect that at home.

memory care exists for a reason. And there is a reason they are "locked down facilities". It's for the safety of their residents. You simply cannot stop someone from wandering at home, unless you stay awake all night or lock them in their room at night.
For memory care, a facility is 1000times safer and provides the stimulation they need to not deteriorate faster.