Boyfriend insulted me

[Anonymous]

I also don't understand how his comment was hurtful. If you don't earn enough to pay for your portion of the mortgage, you can't afford it. Not a judgment, but a fact. AND if you are considering long-term partnership with someone, you don't threaten to break it off based on a throwaway comment. So weird.

[Anonymous]

I am confused. I agree with those who say it doesn't sound as if the BF is insulting her; it sounds as if he is a bit tactless and she is expecting him to white lie. As I read it, he didn't voluntarily say I am passing on the house because you can't afford it. She asked him why, and he gave her a truthful answer. I don't get what the issue is. It sounds as if she is expeting him to white lie and/or thinks being truthful is insulting her.

That said, if he is buying the house and only HIS name is on the deed, there is NO way she should be paying ANYTHING towards the mortgage. So how much she can afford is wholly irrelevant. Paying anything towards the mortgage is ridiculous unless OP lives in a common law marriage state and then she'd have to live with him for a long time without marriage.

Right now, she's just a roommate legally. He can evict her. In some states, paying some sort of rent gives a roommate some legal rights, but OP won't have any more than a wholly platonic roommate who isn't sharing his bed.

Paying a percentage of the living expenses--food, cleaning, water, heat, phone, internet, etc. is a different matter. Yes, OP should pay a portion of those but NOT the mortgage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is red flag behavior. If you marry, I can see him nickel and diming you on how much you spend, insisting you work even if you might want to take time off from your career to be with your children when they’re young, etc. I predict he’ll ask for a pre-nup if you get engaged.

I get the sense he’s from a modest background because people who grew up with money don’t act this way. It’s trashy.

What is your job? I’m curious if he’s only disrespectful about the amount you make or if it’s also what you do.

I’m in a healthcare tech job. ECG monitor tech. I could make more money if I went back to school but I enjoy my job. I make $60k.

He’s a dentist and makes like $300k.

And he’s buying a house and “letting” you pay 40%. No.

This. You are NOT married. Do not pay for HIS house. He gets to keep all the equity when you break up.
I would not move in without a ring & a date. I would also not sign a pre-nup with a guy making insults about your money/job. It kinda feels like he maybe saying you are not “as smart” as him with him having a dental degree. I think that’s why it’s upsetting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also don't understand how his comment was hurtful. If you don't earn enough to pay for your portion of the mortgage, you can't afford it. Not a judgment, but a fact. AND if you are considering long-term partnership with someone, you don't threaten to break it off based on a throwaway comment. So weird.

I don't quite understand either. I honestly don't think they are a good match. Her BF wants to lead a certain lifestyle, and OP is forever going to be mad about the fact that she can't afford the lifestyle she wants on her own. Her BF wants a woman who is okay with being taken care of. OP wants someone who lets her pretend she's a girlboss. Their communication styles also don't mesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. I agree with those who say it doesn't sound as if the BF is insulting her; it sounds as if he is a bit tactless and she is expecting him to white lie. As I read it, he didn't voluntarily say I am passing on the house because you can't afford it. She asked him why, and he gave her a truthful answer. I don't get what the issue is. It sounds as if she is expeting him to white lie and/or thinks being truthful is insulting her.

That said, if he is buying the house and only HIS name is on the deed, there is NO way she should be paying ANYTHING towards the mortgage. So how much she can afford is wholly irrelevant. Paying anything towards the mortgage is ridiculous unless OP lives in a common law marriage state and then she'd have to live with him for a long time without marriage.

Right now, she's just a roommate legally. He can evict her. In some states, paying some sort of rent gives a roommate some legal rights, but OP won't have any more than a wholly platonic roommate who isn't sharing his bed.

Paying a percentage of the living expenses--food, cleaning, water, heat, phone, internet, etc. is a different matter. Yes, OP should pay a portion of those but NOT the mortgage.

She should not pay the mortgage but she should pay rent and her share of the living expenses. She shouldn't have any legal rights to his assets - they are dating and have only been dating a year. This is still a relatively new relationship and they are only starting to try out living together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford a steak you probably can’t afford to live with him.

You should break up. You are not compatible.

I don’t think he has done anything wrong but you are resentful and see him as insulting and there is too much financial disparity and stress.

I can afford a nice restaurant but not all of the time. He drops 100+ on dinner multiple times a week. I make decent money but he makes a lot more than I do.

It sounds like he makes at least 10x than you, correct?

Then WHY on earth would you agree to pay 40%?! You should pay proportional to your incomes, so he'd be paying 90+%.

Extremely stupid to pay 40% of his mortgage. He is using you. Remember, his house is an investment and he will get that money back plus more in 20-30 years when he sells. Is he going to give you your 40% back then? No.

And what happens if you get married? Will he be willing to give you ownership of the house? My guess is probably not.

Plus, if he's like most men, you'll be doing most of the cooking and cleaning. So he gets someone to pay his mortgage and a free maid & personal chef.

When I moved in with BFs in my 20s, I never paid a dime of rent or mortgage. Terrible, terrible idea.

Most of us have moved past your very antiquated and traditional view and see women as capable and competent adults who can be equal partners. The idea that women shouldn't contribute financially is no different from saying men shouldn't cotribtue at all domestically. Your view that women need a man to look after them as they are more like a child and he needs to provide and protect while they cook and clean is not shared by most women anymore. You are thankfully becoming a minority viewpoint.

Don't isolate as just income or just domestic chores. Two adults do both. Assume 50/50 if possible. But it's not always.

My husband has made a bit more than me forever, and we split costs 60/40. We were both outside the house about the same amount of time working, so we split chores 50/50 at home.

Now, he's been Riffed by Musk, and is home all day. He's doing 90% of the chores now. I'm making a much higher income, so I assumed 70% of the expenses.

[Anonymous]

Red flag!!!!!🚩 Do not move in with this guy and dump his a$$ yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok so you make 60, he 300. This would make the equitable split 20/80.

That said, it’s a huge red flag when he constantly insults you and then says it’s just a joke. It’s not just a joke, it’s how he actually feels. It sounds like thinks of you like a leech, which is actually so unattractive. He pays for you, but throws it in your face. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?

Does he actually throw it in her face? So far all OP has said is that he pays for an expensive vacation that he wants to go on and says he will pay for it all because he knows OP can't afford it. I see nothing wrong with that. He also said no to a house saying OP couldn't afford it. OP hasn't given any actual examples of him being a jerk.

Constantly bringing up “I have to pay for this because you can’t afford it” is definitely throwing it in her face. He doesn’t sound generous, a generous man would never say something like that; they’d just do it. It sounds like he simultaneously doesn’t want to give up his lifestyle, but isn’t 100% happy paying OPs way either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford a steak you probably can’t afford to live with him.

You should break up. You are not compatible.

I don’t think he has done anything wrong but you are resentful and see him as insulting and there is too much financial disparity and stress.

I can afford a nice restaurant but not all of the time. He drops 100+ on dinner multiple times a week. I make decent money but he makes a lot more than I do.

It sounds like he makes at least 10x than you, correct?

Then WHY on earth would you agree to pay 40%?! You should pay proportional to your incomes, so he'd be paying 90+%.

Extremely stupid to pay 40% of his mortgage. He is using you. Remember, his house is an investment and he will get that money back plus more in 20-30 years when he sells. Is he going to give you your 40% back then? No.

And what happens if you get married? Will he be willing to give you ownership of the house? My guess is probably not.

Plus, if he's like most men, you'll be doing most of the cooking and cleaning. So he gets someone to pay his mortgage and a free maid & personal chef.

When I moved in with BFs in my 20s, I never paid a dime of rent or mortgage. Terrible, terrible idea.

Most of us have moved past your very antiquated and traditional view and see women as capable and competent adults who can be equal partners. The idea that women shouldn't contribute financially is no different from saying men shouldn't cotribtue at all domestically. Your view that women need a man to look after them as they are more like a child and he needs to provide and protect while they cook and clean is not shared by most women anymore. You are thankfully becoming a minority viewpoint.

It looks like pp is actually advocating for proportional splitting, which is the equitable way of paying for things either way such a high income disparity. If he makes 500k and she makes 50k, she should be contributing proportional to her income, ie 90/10.

Proportional splitting is only ever suggested when men are the higher earners. It is the same view and why she mentions that she never had to pay a dime as she lived entirely off her boyfriends. If a woman posts saying her boyfriend of a year has a low income and is moving in, no one says, you need to take on almost all expenses or else you are a jerk and an unkind person. You really think comments will say he shouldn't have to pay for anything if she is a decent person?

You seem to be making sweeping judgements. I personally always advocate for proportional, even if the woman is the breadwinner. It’s just the mathematical/logical way of splitting expenses. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you were so badly insulted and why you are considering ending the relationship. I feel like I am missing something.

He makes a lot more money than I do. He has thrown that in my face many times with little insults as jokes.

First time I told him I would treat for dinner but he wanted a fancy steak. He told me don’t worry and he would pay the cost because be knows I can’t afford expensive dinners.

We went on a vacation and he chose a very expensive package. He paid for me because he knew I couldn’t afford it.

He seems to like letting me know that I can’t afford things but he can.

Op, you don’t have to listen to the people who don’t understand why you’re upset. This seems like an ongoing pattern of disrespectful behaviour. If it bothers you, it bothers you! No one else’s opinion matters. Everyone can tell when these “jokes” are at their own expense and not actually “jokes”, don’t let anon internet strangers gaslight you into second guessing your lived experiences.

Have you talked to him about these comments? Do you tell him it hurts your feelings that he tries to belittle your earnings and career? IMO this all sounds like a horrible set up and I’d stay away from it with a 10’ pole. You don’t have to break up, but definitely do not move in and commit to paying his mortgage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think his issue is that he's not tactful, more so than that he's insulting or disrespectful. I'm the PP with the DH who reminds me of OPs boyfriend. I was also uncomfortable with our income disparity and with him paying for so much. But he would explain why he would want to pay for those things. Why he wanted to pay for the vacations. It wasn't just a simple "well I can afford it, you can't". It was a "we both work so hard and I want to be able to go to X and do Y and Z with you. And I don't want you to stress about how much it will cost. I can afford it and I want to treat you. I want to enjoy this vacation with you, we both deserve it". And the first couple times I tried to kind of fight it, he very nicely found a way to say that part of it was because he wanted to go on nicer vacations that what I could afford. But the end message was always about it being something for us to experience together and about treating us.

I do think part of the issue is OPs insecurity (which I get) but I wonder if part of it is his tact too.

It sounds like you and pp actually agree with OP. If he hadve said it like either of your partners - kindly, generously, warmly, op may not have had any issues. But when someone continually makes “jokes” about something like this, it’s not coming from a place of kindness or generosity. It’s coming from a place of pettiness, trying to remind op that he has more, and she has less, and she shouldn’t forget it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford a steak you probably can’t afford to live with him.

You should break up. You are not compatible.

I don’t think he has done anything wrong but you are resentful and see him as insulting and there is too much financial disparity and stress.

I can afford a nice restaurant but not all of the time. He drops 100+ on dinner multiple times a week. I make decent money but he makes a lot more than I do.

It sounds like he makes at least 10x than you, correct?

Then WHY on earth would you agree to pay 40%?! You should pay proportional to your incomes, so he'd be paying 90+%.

Extremely stupid to pay 40% of his mortgage. He is using you. Remember, his house is an investment and he will get that money back plus more in 20-30 years when he sells. Is he going to give you your 40% back then? No.

And what happens if you get married? Will he be willing to give you ownership of the house? My guess is probably not.

Plus, if he's like most men, you'll be doing most of the cooking and cleaning. So he gets someone to pay his mortgage and a free maid & personal chef.

When I moved in with BFs in my 20s, I never paid a dime of rent or mortgage. Terrible, terrible idea.

Most of us have moved past your very antiquated and traditional view and see women as capable and competent adults who can be equal partners. The idea that women shouldn't contribute financially is no different from saying men shouldn't cotribtue at all domestically. Your view that women need a man to look after them as they are more like a child and he needs to provide and protect while they cook and clean is not shared by most women anymore. You are thankfully becoming a minority viewpoint.

Don't isolate as just income or just domestic chores. Two adults do both. Assume 50/50 if possible. But it's not always.

My husband has made a bit more than me forever, and we split costs 60/40. We were both outside the house about the same amount of time working, so we split chores 50/50 at home.

Now, he's been Riffed by Musk, and is home all day. He's doing 90% of the chores now. I'm making a much higher income, so I assumed 70% of the expenses.

How often do you go over your bean counting? This doesn’t sound like love.

[Anonymous]

So what is your plan for the future? Finding a better paying job, so that you could afford "it", whatever the it is? Or getting married and then having him pay? Or forever complaining that he makes more money and wants to use it to live the way he likes? For example, if he wanted to eat steak and you cannot afford it, what was he supposed to do? Eat a salad? You sound completely unreasonable. Insult would be if he'd say you're too stupid to get a better-paying job. Not being able to afford something is a fact.

[Anonymous]

Also, at this point you should get yourself a place that you could afford and live separately. I cannot imagine why you'd move in and pay rent to your BF, essentially subsidizing his mortgage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend badly insulted me and tried to play it off as a joke. He is in the process of house hunting. I will be moving in and we will be splitting costs. He really liked one place but crossed it off of his list. When I asked why, he told me I can’t afford it. This isn’t the first time he has put my job down. I feel very hurt. He is now claiming it’s a joke and he crossed it off the list for other reasons. I am seriously considering ending my relationship.

End the relationship today.