Boyfriend insulted me

[Anonymous]

Financial issues are a top reason for divorce in this country. If your finances are already causing problems, then I don’t think it will work out OP. And he sounds like a jerk anyway. DTMF!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
1. I'm still waiting on the swear words he used, OP. You said he badly insulted you. Surely it wasn't just "you can't afford it", right?

2. People who plan on moving in together should be fine with a discrepancy in income, and should have already agreed on a budget and whether or not to share what costs. I don't understand how this did not happen here.

3. When I moved in with my boyfriend, he paid for everything. When we had a kid, we were very low on money, and my grad school stipend went directly to the daycare. But that was only because he was paying the rent, the food, the car, and everything else.

What’s funny is there was a thread not long ago calling the woman a dependent and freeloader for her fiancé paying for everything. The comments were really on her about not paying her fair share. Now it’s okay in this case to live off her boyfriend. This forum doesn’t make much sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend badly insulted me and tried to play it off as a joke. He is in the process of house hunting. I will be moving in and we will be splitting costs. He really liked one place but crossed it off of his list. When I asked why, he told me I can’t afford it. This isn’t the first time he has put my job down. I feel very hurt. He is now claiming it’s a joke and he crossed it off the list for other reasons. I am seriously considering ending my relationship.

Do not move in and pay a portion of his mortgage. It's his asset, not yours. He builds equity while you build nothing.

Terrible mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you were so badly insulted and why you are considering ending the relationship. I feel like I am missing something.

He makes a lot more money than I do. He has thrown that in my face many times with little insults as jokes.

First time I told him I would treat for dinner but he wanted a fancy steak. He told me don’t worry and he would pay the cost because be knows I can’t afford expensive dinners.

We went on a vacation and he chose a very expensive package. He paid for me because he knew I couldn’t afford it.

He seems to like letting me know that I can’t afford things but he can.

Why on earth are you with him, much less moving in with him?

[Anonymous]

FYI, they always say their jerkish behavior was a joke.
It's not a joke. It's because he is a jerk. And this is how he really feels.
So not a good relationship. Don't get into the sunk costs of moving in with an inappropriate relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. I'm still waiting on the swear words he used, OP. You said he badly insulted you. Surely it wasn't just "you can't afford it", right?

2. People who plan on moving in together should be fine with a discrepancy in income, and should have already agreed on a budget and whether or not to share what costs. I don't understand how this did not happen here.

3. When I moved in with my boyfriend, he paid for everything. When we had a kid, we were very low on money, and my grad school stipend went directly to the daycare. But that was only because he was paying the rent, the food, the car, and everything else.

What’s funny is there was a thread not long ago calling the woman a dependent and freeloader for her fiancé paying for everything. The comments were really on her about not paying her fair share. Now it’s okay in this case to live off her boyfriend. This forum doesn’t make much sense.

I don’t think she should live of him at all. I am a firm believer that adult women like men are capable of being independent adults and don’t need to be taken care of like a child. I don’t think a woman’s job is to take on all domestic responsibility nor is it a man’s job to take on all financial responsibility. I still don’t think he insulted her by passing over houses she can’t afford. I am also fine with him paying more if he wants a more expensive vacation spot then he can afford. I think this relationship is doomed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend badly insulted me and tried to play it off as a joke. He is in the process of house hunting. I will be moving in and we will be splitting costs. He really liked one place but crossed it off of his list. When I asked why, he told me I can’t afford it. This isn’t the first time he has put my job down. I feel very hurt. He is now claiming it’s a joke and he crossed it off the list for other reasons. I am seriously considering ending my relationship.

He is saying it’s a joke *because* you were offended by his stating the facts, so now he has to pretend not to live in reality to spare your hurt feelings. He didn’t “put you down” or ridicule you are make fun of you or scoff at you. He simply informed you that the house was not affordable to you if you are expected to pay half of the rent. Sounds to me
like he is being mindful and conscientious. And you simply don’t like that he makes more money than you. And you especially don’t like being reminded of that—but you did ASK, OP.
It sounds like you wanted him to lie.
When he told the truth, you chose to be offended and characterize it as a put-down.
You are a grown woman. Do you not know what you can afford?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is red flag behavior. If you marry, I can see him nickel and diming you on how much you spend, insisting you work even if you might want to take time off from your career to be with your children when they’re young, etc. I predict he’ll ask for a pre-nup if you get engaged.

I get the sense he’s from a modest background because people who grew up with money don’t act this way. It’s trashy.

What is your job? I’m curious if he’s only disrespectful about the amount you make or if it’s also what you do.

Weirdo post.
It’s trashy for the bf to gallantly offer to pay for an expensive meal or to decline to purchase a home that would be out of her budget to split expenses on?
It sounds like he is kindly accommodating her wishes for a nice dinner while being mindful of her financial circumstances. In the housing issue, it’s clear she has a desire to contribute and is on a budget. He’s thoughtfully trying not to go over that budget.
What a jerk!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford a steak you probably can’t afford to live with him.

You should break up. You are not compatible.

I don’t think he has done anything wrong but you are resentful and see him as insulting and there is too much financial disparity and stress.

I can afford a nice restaurant but not all of the time. He drops 100+ on dinner multiple times a week. I make decent money but he makes a lot more than I do.

It sounds like he makes at least 10x than you, correct?

Then WHY on earth would you agree to pay 40%?! You should pay proportional to your incomes, so he'd be paying 90+%.

Extremely stupid to pay 40% of his mortgage. He is using you. Remember, his house is an investment and he will get that money back plus more in 20-30 years when he sells. Is he going to give you your 40% back then? No.

And what happens if you get married? Will he be willing to give you ownership of the house? My guess is probably not.

Plus, if he's like most men, you'll be doing most of the cooking and cleaning. So he gets someone to pay his mortgage and a free maid & personal chef.

When I moved in with BFs in my 20s, I never paid a dime of rent or mortgage. Terrible, terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely would not buy a home with a boyfriend much less one who keeps passing those comments.

Get your own place. Consider maybe even ending the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you were so badly insulted and why you are considering ending the relationship. I feel like I am missing something.

He makes a lot more money than I do. He has thrown that in my face many times with little insults as jokes.

First time I told him I would treat for dinner but he wanted a fancy steak. He told me don’t worry and he would pay the cost because be knows I can’t afford expensive dinners.

We went on a vacation and he chose a very expensive package. He paid for me because he knew I couldn’t afford it.

He seems to like letting me know that I can’t afford things but he can.

What do you like about him? Do you like him enough to withstand his passive aggressive comments for the duration of your relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you splitting costs if he makes a lot more?

Equality? Wouldn't it mess up power balance if he is paying more? They aren't married or even engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Backhand him in the balls when he says something you don't like. He'll get the message.

Where should he hit her when she says something he doesn’t like?

Domestic violence isn’t the answer to anything

This^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend badly insulted me and tried to play it off as a joke. He is in the process of house hunting. I will be moving in and we will be splitting costs. He really liked one place but crossed it off of his list. When I asked why, he told me I can’t afford it. This isn’t the first time he has put my job down. I feel very hurt. He is now claiming it’s a joke and he crossed it off the list for other reasons. I am seriously considering ending my relationship.

Well, he only stated a fact. If you are offended, increase your income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is red flag behavior. If you marry, I can see him nickel and diming you on how much you spend, insisting you work even if you might want to take time off from your career to be with your children when they’re young, etc. I predict he’ll ask for a pre-nup if you get engaged.

I get the sense he’s from a modest background because people who grew up with money don’t act this way. It’s trashy.

What is your job? I’m curious if he’s only disrespectful about the amount you make or if it’s also what you do.

I’m in a healthcare tech job. ECG monitor tech. I could make more money if I went back to school but I enjoy my job. I make $60k.

He’s a dentist and makes like $300k.

You should pay more like 15-20% of household expenses.

For one, you need to save for your own house. How will you do that if you try to cover 40% of household expenses when you only make 15% of the combined income?