Husband wants a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since the DH is initiating the divorce, with a possible AP, perhaps he will be open to mediation. Good luck OP.

If she's lucky. Mine insisted on litigating, to prove he's a man! He would not hear of mediating, which *I* offered. And he got stuck with all the legal fees. Womp womp. OP should prepare for any eventuality.

[Anonymous]

He may have been cheating for a long time. It is a surprise and shock to you but he has been done for a while and likely has a replacement lined up. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

I really don’t understand all this crappy “you don’t need a lawyer” advice. You need to at least talk to 2+ lawyers to get SOME advice. Unless you’re a divorce frequently flyer or happy to get all your advice from NOT-divorce lawyers on DCUM, you need expert help.

Skipping the basic 1 hour consult with a couple attorneys is kind of like doing DIY eye surgery off a YouTube video.

And also, why does everyone assume it’s “so simple” and everything is 50/50? There’s a whole other world out there people! There’s crappy parents, abuse, kids with special needs, pre nups, hidden assets, drugs, APs with bags of cash from DH…even splitting a house isn’t simple unless you plan to cut it in half.

You don’t have to go to court, but you DO need a good lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get your friends or family involved. Sometimes they can mediate or help make the process more sensible highlighting points neither of you can see due to personal involvement.

Not a good idea. Recently divorced. You can ask your friends and family for emotional support. But asking them mediate isn’t wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he say why he wants a divorce? Did he meet someone else, or is he just generally unhappy in the marriage? If it is the former, get out now. If it is the latter, perhaps he is having a mid-life or existential crisis that is not wholly about the marriage. In that case, you need to decide if it worth the effort to convince him to go to counseling, etc.

As if “I’m unhappy, I deserve more,” is an actual reason when you have a spouse, kids and a house.

He’s hiding the real reason. You’ll know eventually, but not now.

Unfortunately, a lot of divorces are for just that reason. Some people are selfish and will always but their own happiness first.

That’s a false facade “reason”.

The real reason is they don’t want to do the work to be a good life partner or spouse or parent so just drudge along, dump all the work into their partner, get ignored back…..

Then one day they run into their friend Jimmy who is divorced and thinks it’s easy and great! For him. Fun weekends and trips with the kids!

And so he threatens divorce and wants to hit the Reset button solo or with a new woman, instead of patch things up with his wife and mother of his kids. It’s easier that way. For him.

On the way out he claims they fell out of love, he has no idea how, he’ll be happy, no pesky roommates demanding things of him.

PP was describing women. It’s women who are selfish and act this way. Women initiate most divorces.

Throughout most of human history the person who asked for a divorce did so because the other person did something against the marriage vows. They had to at least claim the person was unfaithful to the marriage and usually the men had the upper hand since it was always a man deciding as judge. Sorry but there are centuries of the person wanting the divorce as being in the right so I don't buy your switcheroo just because now it's women doing it more these days. Go to any religious country now and the same rules apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been having a meltdown since he told me and I can’t sleep. Does anyone have any good marriage advice in addition to going to therapy ?

Did he say why he wants one? It's unusual for the man to be the one to leave, as 80% or more of divorces are initiated by the woman.

Yeah and in the 20% where the man initiates it's ALWAYS because he has a side piece. Women don't need a side piece to leave crappy marriages. They just do it.

If the man is not cheating, and not being overly physically abusive, then why would the marriage be crappy?

People seem to divorce over every little thing these days, rather than being adults and sticking it out and learning to live with someone. Is why divorce rates are sky high now, going from 5% in the 1940s to over 65% now.

Wait, you think only physical abuse makes for a crappy marriage?

Define "crappy marriage" that doesn't involve physical abuse, that you cannot fix by being an adult and working on the relationship. Heck, even physical abuse can be overcome and stopped.

He was having affairs with a revolving door of people and spending our money on them plus time he should have been with the family and admitted he would never stop and I didnt want to play cop the rest of my life. I did not want to be in a pretend marriage. Why don't you ask these types of people why they didn't work on the relationship? Why they are trying to have multiple relationships instead of a marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the "lawyer up" advice. That is the worst advice.

If your husband wants a divorce, you try to do it amicably if you have kids. You also don't fight. No reason to. 50/50 of marital assets, 50/50 custody and call it a day.

Lawyering up takes your money, makes it hostile and chances are, you still are getting 50/50 no matter what. Don't lawyer up to pay to get an agreement you can do yourself.

Once someone says they want a divorce, they have already decided (and usually they have been thinking about it for years).

Get an agreement and that is it. Go to a mediator who is also an attorney to draft it. Have your own lawyer review it. You can pay hourly for that.

DO NOT get friends and family involved. That makes it worse.

DO NOT tell kids until you have a PLAN of how they will live after a divorce and a schedule.

STOP with your BS a$$vice about this. When the divorce is a unilateral decision by one spouse you GET A LAWYER. Why are you always so concerned with other people's money? Maybe OP can afford an excellent lawyer. Not your concern. You don't seem to get this.

+1
The husband has had time to plan and plot. Why should OP be a sitting duck?

Consult with a lawyer. No need to “lawyer up”and pay a 10k retainer to litigate when you can come to an agreement from much less and use your own lawyer to review it for an hourly rate. Paying tons lawyers to do things you can do yourself is stupid.

-divorced a lawyer

Hilarious that you have designated yourself the Decider-in-chief of who should retain a lawyer. Who cares that you "divorced a lawyer". Your advice, as per usual, is terrible. You constantly make these snap judgments based on zero information. Sit down already.

No one’s making snap judgments with zero information. Her husband asked for a divorce that means he’s a reasonable and can talk about it (he didn’t go and send her a letter from his attorney ), and she should be able to do the same (talk about it). Advising people to keep their own money when they’re going to get get the same if they litigate is not terrible advice. I have seen tons of divorces where people spend tens of thousands of dollars to get absolutely nowhere make it a terrible situation and then they end up with an agreement that would’ve been exactly the same if they had decided themselves with mediation in accordance to the norm of the law. The reality is most people don’t have that much money to fight over and they don’t understand that their case is not unique and they also have this idea that something is fair and courts actually care about the cause of the divorce when nobody does, it is about money and the kids and splitting it evenly—and that is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t understand all this crappy “you don’t need a lawyer” advice. You need to at least talk to 2+ lawyers to get SOME advice. Unless you’re a divorce frequently flyer or happy to get all your advice from NOT-divorce lawyers on DCUM, you need expert help.

Skipping the basic 1 hour consult with a couple attorneys is kind of like doing DIY eye surgery off a YouTube video.

And also, why does everyone assume it’s “so simple” and everything is 50/50? There’s a whole other world out there people! There’s crappy parents, abuse, kids with special needs, pre nups, hidden assets, drugs, APs with bags of cash from DH…even splitting a house isn’t simple unless you plan to cut it in half.

You don’t have to go to court, but you DO need a good lawyer.

I never said don’t do a con-silt I said don’t “lawyer up”; there’s a distinct difference. Everyone should do a one-hour consult. “ Lori lawyering up” refers to hiring a lawyer with a huge retainer when you might not even need to and preparing to go to war and litigate. that that’s the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the "lawyer up" advice. That is the worst advice.

If your husband wants a divorce, you try to do it amicably if you have kids. You also don't fight. No reason to. 50/50 of marital assets, 50/50 custody and call it a day.

Lawyering up takes your money, makes it hostile and chances are, you still are getting 50/50 no matter what. Don't lawyer up to pay to get an agreement you can do yourself.

Once someone says they want a divorce, they have already decided (and usually they have been thinking about it for years).

Get an agreement and that is it. Go to a mediator who is also an attorney to draft it. Have your own lawyer review it. You can pay hourly for that.

DO NOT get friends and family involved. That makes it worse.

DO NOT tell kids until you have a PLAN of how they will live after a divorce and a schedule.

STOP with your BS a$$vice about this. When the divorce is a unilateral decision by one spouse you GET A LAWYER. Why are you always so concerned with other people's money? Maybe OP can afford an excellent lawyer. Not your concern. You don't seem to get this.

+1
The husband has had time to plan and plot. Why should OP be a sitting duck?

Consult with a lawyer. No need to “lawyer up”and pay a 10k retainer to litigate when you can come to an agreement from much less and use your own lawyer to review it for an hourly rate. Paying tons lawyers to do things you can do yourself is stupid.

-divorced a lawyer

I’m also a lawyer and trying to come to an agreement without my own lawyer ended up wasting time and money. That only works if the ex is rational and wants to come to an agreement. Usually that is not the case. I regret trying to go the “collaborative” route. You can avoid litigation sure, but sometimes things just won’t move unless you have lawyers actively involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the "lawyer up" advice. That is the worst advice.

If your husband wants a divorce, you try to do it amicably if you have kids. You also don't fight. No reason to. 50/50 of marital assets, 50/50 custody and call it a day.

Lawyering up takes your money, makes it hostile and chances are, you still are getting 50/50 no matter what. Don't lawyer up to pay to get an agreement you can do yourself.

Once someone says they want a divorce, they have already decided (and usually they have been thinking about it for years).

Get an agreement and that is it. Go to a mediator who is also an attorney to draft it. Have your own lawyer review it. You can pay hourly for that.

DO NOT get friends and family involved. That makes it worse.

DO NOT tell kids until you have a PLAN of how they will live after a divorce and a schedule.

How is lawyering up a bad thing when you literally suggested it? Dumba$$

What I suggested is not “lawyering up”; you are the dumbass.

wtf do you think it means to retain a lawyer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stopped threatening divorce as a means to resolve a conflict that had been going on for 8 years and was a severe issue but not divorce-worthy when my spouse took me seriously and moved out and asked for counseling. I didn't want a divorce, but I felt hopeless about resolving the issue. The issue will never be resolved but will mostly disappear when our kids become adults. I only threatened divorce because I was feeling hopeless.

Threatening divorce is abusive. I divorced my ex-husband for that eventually. He had plenty of warnings to stop doing it.

Most people, myself included, don’t threaten divorce lightly. It comes after years of unresolved conflict which leads to resentment and destroys goodwill. The only reason it was a threat and not an actual service of divorce papers was putting the kids first. If we had enough goodwill that I cared if it was an “abusive” act, then it never would have gotten to that point in the first place. If the kids were out of the house, it would’ve been an easy decision to divorce without the need for threats.

Framing it this way takes away your agency. You always have the choice to live your values and treat other people, even lousy cheating spouses, with dignity. Or really, what this kind of situation teaches you is what your values truly are. You believe conducting yourself with integrity is dependent on how other people treat you first. It's a transactional mindset, and it means you're going to find yourself in transactional relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the "lawyer up" advice. That is the worst advice.

If your husband wants a divorce, you try to do it amicably if you have kids. You also don't fight. No reason to. 50/50 of marital assets, 50/50 custody and call it a day.

Lawyering up takes your money, makes it hostile and chances are, you still are getting 50/50 no matter what. Don't lawyer up to pay to get an agreement you can do yourself.

Once someone says they want a divorce, they have already decided (and usually they have been thinking about it for years).

Get an agreement and that is it. Go to a mediator who is also an attorney to draft it. Have your own lawyer review it. You can pay hourly for that.

DO NOT get friends and family involved. That makes it worse.

DO NOT tell kids until you have a PLAN of how they will live after a divorce and a schedule.

STOP with your BS a$$vice about this. When the divorce is a unilateral decision by one spouse you GET A LAWYER. Why are you always so concerned with other people's money? Maybe OP can afford an excellent lawyer. Not your concern. You don't seem to get this.

+1
The husband has had time to plan and plot. Why should OP be a sitting duck?

Consult with a lawyer. No need to “lawyer up”and pay a 10k retainer to litigate when you can come to an agreement from much less and use your own lawyer to review it for an hourly rate. Paying tons lawyers to do things you can do yourself is stupid.

-divorced a lawyer

Hilarious that you have designated yourself the Decider-in-chief of who should retain a lawyer. Who cares that you "divorced a lawyer". Your advice, as per usual, is terrible. You constantly make these snap judgments based on zero information. Sit down already.

No one’s making snap judgments with zero information. Her husband asked for a divorce that means he’s a reasonable and can talk about it (he didn’t go and send her a letter from his attorney ), and she should be able to do the same (talk about it). Advising people to keep their own money when they’re going to get get the same if they litigate is not terrible advice. I have seen tons of divorces where people spend tens of thousands of dollars to get absolutely nowhere make it a terrible situation and then they end up with an agreement that would’ve been exactly the same if they had decided themselves with mediation in accordance to the norm of the law. The reality is most people don’t have that much money to fight over and they don’t understand that their case is not unique and they also have this idea that something is fair and courts actually care about the cause of the divorce when nobody does, it is about money and the kids and splitting it evenly—and that is it.

Please just stop. You keep on failing to understand that retaining a lawyer doesn’t mean you’re going to litigate to the bitter end. You need a lawyer to advise on what you should settle for in the mediation. If there are kids involved, a lawyer is also needed for the custody agreement. “splitting evenly” is not simple when you have kids, a house, assets, 401ks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t understand all this crappy “you don’t need a lawyer” advice. You need to at least talk to 2+ lawyers to get SOME advice. Unless you’re a divorce frequently flyer or happy to get all your advice from NOT-divorce lawyers on DCUM, you need expert help.

Skipping the basic 1 hour consult with a couple attorneys is kind of like doing DIY eye surgery off a YouTube video.

And also, why does everyone assume it’s “so simple” and everything is 50/50? There’s a whole other world out there people! There’s crappy parents, abuse, kids with special needs, pre nups, hidden assets, drugs, APs with bags of cash from DH…even splitting a house isn’t simple unless you plan to cut it in half.

You don’t have to go to court, but you DO need a good lawyer.

I never said don’t do a con-silt I said don’t “lawyer up”; there’s a distinct difference. Everyone should do a one-hour consult. “ Lori lawyering up” refers to hiring a lawyer with a huge retainer when you might not even need to and preparing to go to war and litigate. that that’s the difference.

Most lawyers require that you pay a retainer if you’re going to use them for the amount of time needed to competently guide you in a divorce.

Your definition of “lawyering up” is something that you just made up on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t understand all this crappy “you don’t need a lawyer” advice. You need to at least talk to 2+ lawyers to get SOME advice. Unless you’re a divorce frequently flyer or happy to get all your advice from NOT-divorce lawyers on DCUM, you need expert help.

Skipping the basic 1 hour consult with a couple attorneys is kind of like doing DIY eye surgery off a YouTube video.

And also, why does everyone assume it’s “so simple” and everything is 50/50? There’s a whole other world out there people! There’s crappy parents, abuse, kids with special needs, pre nups, hidden assets, drugs, APs with bags of cash from DH…even splitting a house isn’t simple unless you plan to cut it in half.

You don’t have to go to court, but you DO need a good lawyer.

I never said don’t do a con-silt I said don’t “lawyer up”; there’s a distinct difference. Everyone should do a one-hour consult. “ Lori lawyering up” refers to hiring a lawyer with a huge retainer when you might not even need to and preparing to go to war and litigate. that that’s the difference.

I’ve consulted with several lawyers and while they do require a retainer to be formally hired, they will return any unused funds. So that act in and of itself does not mean war. That said once a lawyer has a bird in hand you really have to keep them on a tight leash!!

-A lawyer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the "lawyer up" advice. That is the worst advice.

If your husband wants a divorce, you try to do it amicably if you have kids. You also don't fight. No reason to. 50/50 of marital assets, 50/50 custody and call it a day.

Lawyering up takes your money, makes it hostile and chances are, you still are getting 50/50 no matter what. Don't lawyer up to pay to get an agreement you can do yourself.

Once someone says they want a divorce, they have already decided (and usually they have been thinking about it for years).

Get an agreement and that is it. Go to a mediator who is also an attorney to draft it. Have your own lawyer review it. You can pay hourly for that.

DO NOT get friends and family involved. That makes it worse.

DO NOT tell kids until you have a PLAN of how they will live after a divorce and a schedule.

STOP with your BS a$$vice about this. When the divorce is a unilateral decision by one spouse you GET A LAWYER. Why are you always so concerned with other people's money? Maybe OP can afford an excellent lawyer. Not your concern. You don't seem to get this.

+1
The husband has had time to plan and plot. Why should OP be a sitting duck?

Consult with a lawyer. No need to “lawyer up”and pay a 10k retainer to litigate when you can come to an agreement from much less and use your own lawyer to review it for an hourly rate. Paying tons lawyers to do things you can do yourself is stupid.

-divorced a lawyer

Hilarious that you have designated yourself the Decider-in-chief of who should retain a lawyer. Who cares that you "divorced a lawyer". Your advice, as per usual, is terrible. You constantly make these snap judgments based on zero information. Sit down already.

No one’s making snap judgments with zero information. Her husband asked for a divorce that means he’s a reasonable and can talk about it (he didn’t go and send her a letter from his attorney ), and she should be able to do the same (talk about it). Advising people to keep their own money when they’re going to get get the same if they litigate is not terrible advice. I have seen tons of divorces where people spend tens of thousands of dollars to get absolutely nowhere make it a terrible situation and then they end up with an agreement that would’ve been exactly the same if they had decided themselves with mediation in accordance to the norm of the law. The reality is most people don’t have that much money to fight over and they don’t understand that their case is not unique and they also have this idea that something is fair and courts actually care about the cause of the divorce when nobody does, it is about money and the kids and splitting it evenly—and that is it.

Are you high? Asking for a divorce in person doesn't mean even a little that they're reasonable or willing to be reasonable. Again, take a seat.