Husband wants a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want proof of an AP (IF there is one), your lawyer will have a PI recommendation. in my case i found what i was looking for in the phone records and then was able to catch them on a weekend away. It’s not really going to matter for my proceedings, but it does help me when he gaslights me with BS about how it’s all my fault. It’s not going to matter in court, but it might matter with our families. And so it’s just nice to have so he can’t pretend like I made it up.

You will get through this OP, and you will start to feel less like crap in time. I swear. It’s been over a year now for me and all that’s really left is relief for myself. Some fears about finances and concerns about how it will affect the kids, but, on a personal level, feel 1000 pounds lighter.

Agree. I'm almost a year from discovering the affair and I feel much, much better. The divorce is almost finalized, co-parenting is going smoothly. The kids are doing better, and are happier in a more functional environment.

The marriage had become very one sided over the last several years. I am glad I found the tangible proof he had been lying to my face for months, but that was because it was so hard to believe that the person I loved and trusted was such a schmuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been having a meltdown since he told me and I can’t sleep. Does anyone have any good marriage advice in addition to going to therapy ?

Did he say why he wants one? It's unusual for the man to be the one to leave, as 80% or more of divorces are initiated by the woman.

Yeah and in the 20% where the man initiates it's ALWAYS because he has a side piece. Women don't need a side piece to leave crappy marriages. They just do it.

If the man is not cheating, and not being overly physically abusive, then why would the marriage be crappy?

People seem to divorce over every little thing these days, rather than being adults and sticking it out and learning to live with someone. Is why divorce rates are sky high now, going from 5% in the 1940s to over 65% now.

Wait, you think only physical abuse makes for a crappy marriage?

Define "crappy marriage" that doesn't involve physical abuse, that you cannot fix by being an adult and working on the relationship. Heck, even physical abuse can be overcome and stopped.

Troll. GTFOH suggesting someone stay in an abusive marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the "lawyer up" advice. That is the worst advice.

If your husband wants a divorce, you try to do it amicably if you have kids. You also don't fight. No reason to. 50/50 of marital assets, 50/50 custody and call it a day.

Lawyering up takes your money, makes it hostile and chances are, you still are getting 50/50 no matter what. Don't lawyer up to pay to get an agreement you can do yourself.

Once someone says they want a divorce, they have already decided (and usually they have been thinking about it for years).

Get an agreement and that is it. Go to a mediator who is also an attorney to draft it. Have your own lawyer review it. You can pay hourly for that.

DO NOT get friends and family involved. That makes it worse.

DO NOT tell kids until you have a PLAN of how they will live after a divorce and a schedule.

I'd say get a lawyer to help with negotiating and drafting a 50/50 settlement. Agree that there is often no need to litigate. Figure out how to be civil to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the "lawyer up" advice. That is the worst advice.

If your husband wants a divorce, you try to do it amicably if you have kids. You also don't fight. No reason to. 50/50 of marital assets, 50/50 custody and call it a day.

Lawyering up takes your money, makes it hostile and chances are, you still are getting 50/50 no matter what. Don't lawyer up to pay to get an agreement you can do yourself.

Once someone says they want a divorce, they have already decided (and usually they have been thinking about it for years).

Get an agreement and that is it. Go to a mediator who is also an attorney to draft it. Have your own lawyer review it. You can pay hourly for that.

DO NOT get friends and family involved. That makes it worse.

DO NOT tell kids until you have a PLAN of how they will live after a divorce and a schedule.

STOP with your BS a$$vice about this. When the divorce is a unilateral decision by one spouse you GET A LAWYER. Why are you always so concerned with other people's money? Maybe OP can afford an excellent lawyer. Not your concern. You don't seem to get this.

[Anonymous]

Make sure your name is on all financial vehicles and that they need your signature to liquidate anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the "lawyer up" advice. That is the worst advice.

If your husband wants a divorce, you try to do it amicably if you have kids. You also don't fight. No reason to. 50/50 of marital assets, 50/50 custody and call it a day.

Lawyering up takes your money, makes it hostile and chances are, you still are getting 50/50 no matter what. Don't lawyer up to pay to get an agreement you can do yourself.

Once someone says they want a divorce, they have already decided (and usually they have been thinking about it for years).

Get an agreement and that is it. Go to a mediator who is also an attorney to draft it. Have your own lawyer review it. You can pay hourly for that.

DO NOT get friends and family involved. That makes it worse.

DO NOT tell kids until you have a PLAN of how they will live after a divorce and a schedule.

STOP with your BS a$$vice about this. When the divorce is a unilateral decision by one spouse you GET A LAWYER. Why are you always so concerned with other people's money? Maybe OP can afford an excellent lawyer. Not your concern. You don't seem to get this.

+1
The husband has had time to plan and plot. Why should OP be a sitting duck?

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. In addition the advice you’ve received upthread (lawyer, therapist, identifying friends who have your back), I’d suggest getting an STD test.

It all sucks right now but someday you’ll find happiness again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the "lawyer up" advice. That is the worst advice.

If your husband wants a divorce, you try to do it amicably if you have kids. You also don't fight. No reason to. 50/50 of marital assets, 50/50 custody and call it a day.

Lawyering up takes your money, makes it hostile and chances are, you still are getting 50/50 no matter what. Don't lawyer up to pay to get an agreement you can do yourself.

Once someone says they want a divorce, they have already decided (and usually they have been thinking about it for years).

Get an agreement and that is it. Go to a mediator who is also an attorney to draft it. Have your own lawyer review it. You can pay hourly for that.

DO NOT get friends and family involved. That makes it worse.

DO NOT tell kids until you have a PLAN of how they will live after a divorce and a schedule.

How is lawyering up a bad thing when you literally suggested it? Dumba$$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men don't want therapy, they want a loving wife.

And will burn through five of them to maintain that image f how great they think they are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here

There has been a lot of mistrust in our marriage. I suspect he is having an affair with a co-worker but I don’t have definitive evidence yet. I’m going to start looking for lawyers soon. Thanks for the advice.

I'm sorry, OP. This was me 6 months ago. It does get better.

I would say that accepting that he was leaving sooner rather than later helped me. I went to a divorce recovery support group and we spent a whole session on denial, and people were like, "We've been separated three years but I haven't accepted it yet," and I was like, oh goodness, that doesn't seem healthy . . . I need to show my children that you hold your head up high and walk away if someone doesn't want to be with you. It wasn't what I wanted, and I grieved and grieved, but I moved forward.

And the more time that passes, the more I realize how lopsided my marriage was. He's really self-absorbed and emotionally immature and unavailable. So honestly this is a blessing in disguise. It's not what I would have chosen for my kids, but they're doing OK. We are securely bonded and they know I am always there for them. Their dad lets them down a lot, because I'm not over-functioning to make up for his deficits anymore. But it's probably healthier in the end for them to see the reality of the situation and not think they have to put up with as much as I did in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stopped threatening divorce as a means to resolve a conflict that had been going on for 8 years and was a severe issue but not divorce-worthy when my spouse took me seriously and moved out and asked for counseling. I didn't want a divorce, but I felt hopeless about resolving the issue. The issue will never be resolved but will mostly disappear when our kids become adults. I only threatened divorce because I was feeling hopeless.

Threatening divorce is abusive. I divorced my ex-husband for that eventually. He had plenty of warnings to stop doing it.

Most people, myself included, don’t threaten divorce lightly. It comes after years of unresolved conflict which leads to resentment and destroys goodwill. The only reason it was a threat and not an actual service of divorce papers was putting the kids first. If we had enough goodwill that I cared if it was an “abusive” act, then it never would have gotten to that point in the first place. If the kids were out of the house, it would’ve been an easy decision to divorce without the need for threats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the "lawyer up" advice. That is the worst advice.

If your husband wants a divorce, you try to do it amicably if you have kids. You also don't fight. No reason to. 50/50 of marital assets, 50/50 custody and call it a day.

Lawyering up takes your money, makes it hostile and chances are, you still are getting 50/50 no matter what. Don't lawyer up to pay to get an agreement you can do yourself.

Once someone says they want a divorce, they have already decided (and usually they have been thinking about it for years).

Get an agreement and that is it. Go to a mediator who is also an attorney to draft it. Have your own lawyer review it. You can pay hourly for that.

DO NOT get friends and family involved. That makes it worse.

DO NOT tell kids until you have a PLAN of how they will live after a divorce and a schedule.

STOP with your BS a$$vice about this. When the divorce is a unilateral decision by one spouse you GET A LAWYER. Why are you always so concerned with other people's money? Maybe OP can afford an excellent lawyer. Not your concern. You don't seem to get this.

+1
The husband has had time to plan and plot. Why should OP be a sitting duck?

Consult with a lawyer. No need to “lawyer up”and pay a 10k retainer to litigate when you can come to an agreement from much less and use your own lawyer to review it for an hourly rate. Paying tons lawyers to do things you can do yourself is stupid.

-divorced a lawyer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the "lawyer up" advice. That is the worst advice.

If your husband wants a divorce, you try to do it amicably if you have kids. You also don't fight. No reason to. 50/50 of marital assets, 50/50 custody and call it a day.

Lawyering up takes your money, makes it hostile and chances are, you still are getting 50/50 no matter what. Don't lawyer up to pay to get an agreement you can do yourself.

Once someone says they want a divorce, they have already decided (and usually they have been thinking about it for years).

Get an agreement and that is it. Go to a mediator who is also an attorney to draft it. Have your own lawyer review it. You can pay hourly for that.

DO NOT get friends and family involved. That makes it worse.

DO NOT tell kids until you have a PLAN of how they will live after a divorce and a schedule.

How is lawyering up a bad thing when you literally suggested it? Dumba$$

What I suggested is not “lawyering up”; you are the dumbass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the "lawyer up" advice. That is the worst advice.

If your husband wants a divorce, you try to do it amicably if you have kids. You also don't fight. No reason to. 50/50 of marital assets, 50/50 custody and call it a day.

Lawyering up takes your money, makes it hostile and chances are, you still are getting 50/50 no matter what. Don't lawyer up to pay to get an agreement you can do yourself.

Once someone says they want a divorce, they have already decided (and usually they have been thinking about it for years).

Get an agreement and that is it. Go to a mediator who is also an attorney to draft it. Have your own lawyer review it. You can pay hourly for that.

DO NOT get friends and family involved. That makes it worse.

DO NOT tell kids until you have a PLAN of how they will live after a divorce and a schedule.

STOP with your BS a$$vice about this. When the divorce is a unilateral decision by one spouse you GET A LAWYER. Why are you always so concerned with other people's money? Maybe OP can afford an excellent lawyer. Not your concern. You don't seem to get this.

+1
The husband has had time to plan and plot. Why should OP be a sitting duck?

Consult with a lawyer. No need to “lawyer up”and pay a 10k retainer to litigate when you can come to an agreement from much less and use your own lawyer to review it for an hourly rate. Paying tons lawyers to do things you can do yourself is stupid.

-divorced a lawyer

Hilarious that you have designated yourself the Decider-in-chief of who should retain a lawyer. Who cares that you "divorced a lawyer". Your advice, as per usual, is terrible. You constantly make these snap judgments based on zero information. Sit down already.

[Anonymous]

Since the DH is initiating the divorce, with a possible AP, perhaps he will be open to mediation. Good luck OP.