Husband wants a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay with someone that doesn’t want to be with you? I know it hurts but if he were cheating you would be here saying why not just divorce instead of cheating? You can fall out of love with someone, I know it hurts but you will be fine. Go to a mediator and split amicably and be great coparents.

I totally agree with you but I'll say that when something so huge happens, your first instinct is to want your life to remain the same. It's a totally normal response. We even gave it a whole stage in the grief process. Hopefully we can help OP process why she would work on acceptance rather than trying to force an exiting spouse to stay.

(And actually, just strategically, if you wanted your spouse to stay, accepting their announcement and showing them the door is a lot more likely to make them reconsider then you panicking and trying to convince them to stay. But ultimately it's best to let them go and trust that if they're meant to come back or stay, they will. Fighting it is wasted energy.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay with someone that doesn’t want to be with you? I know it hurts but if he were cheating you would be here saying why not just divorce instead of cheating? You can fall out of love with someone, I know it hurts but you will be fine. Go to a mediator and split amicably and be great coparents.

I totally agree with you but I'll say that when something so huge happens, your first instinct is to want your life to remain the same. It's a totally normal response. We even gave it a whole stage in the grief process. Hopefully we can help OP process why she would work on acceptance rather than trying to force an exiting spouse to stay.

(And actually, just strategically, if you wanted your spouse to stay, accepting their announcement and showing them the door is a lot more likely to make them reconsider then you panicking and trying to convince them to stay. But ultimately it's best to let them go and trust that if they're meant to come back or stay, they will. Fighting it is wasted energy.)

NP. I’m more or less doing this, for some reason my instinct was never to fight. Just focus on getting myself ready if that’s where it’s headed. I can report back in 1-2 years how it works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if he is ready to try therapy, meeting clergy or taking a trip so you two can give it one more try before calling it quits.

If you really want to save this marriage, ask him what would change his mind.

If nothing works, then let it go. You'll survive but you'll know why he asked and you'll know that you tried your best.

No. Someone who has asked for a divorce has thought about it for a long time. He's not going to change his mind. Don't drag it out with therapy. He's probably having an affair and already checked out.

This.
Women file for divorce in about 75% of divorce cases.
If he is the one initiating, it’s very very likely that he’s having an affair and his mind will not be changed. Generally speaking, men will not initiate divorce without a big external push to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if he is ready to try therapy, meeting clergy or taking a trip so you two can give it one more try before calling it quits.

If you really want to save this marriage, ask him what would change his mind.

If nothing works, then let it go. You'll survive but you'll know why he asked and you'll know that you tried your best.

No. Someone who has asked for a divorce has thought about it for a long time. He's not going to change his mind. Don't drag it out with therapy. He's probably having an affair and already checked out.

This.
Women file for divorce in about 75% of divorce cases.
If he is the one initiating, it’s very very likely that he’s having an affair and his mind will not be changed. Generally speaking, men will not initiate divorce without a big external push to do so.

I agree. Most men are happy in their marriage when cheating so seldom initiate divorce. They want their cake and eat it too. If he’s initiating he wants the exit. The other time men initiate is when their WIFE is the cheater. Men almost always divorce a cheater unlike women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if he is ready to try therapy, meeting clergy or taking a trip so you two can give it one more try before calling it quits.

If you really want to save this marriage, ask him what would change his mind.

If nothing works, then let it go. You'll survive but you'll know why he asked and you'll know that you tried your best.

No. Someone who has asked for a divorce has thought about it for a long time. He's not going to change his mind. Don't drag it out with therapy. He's probably having an affair and already checked out.

This.
Women file for divorce in about 75% of divorce cases.
If he is the one initiating, it’s very very likely that he’s having an affair and his mind will not be changed. Generally speaking, men will not initiate divorce without a big external push to do so.

My ex had an AP (who he never acknowledged, though there was ample physical proof) and pushed for the divorce. I didn't fight it. That said, he dragged out the divorce - just nonresponsive or very slow response to me/my lawyer trying to resolve things fairly. Ultimately, I had to file b/c there was no movement otherwise. I had originally wanted him to file since this was all him, but by year 4 I would have crawled on broken glass to get it done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay with someone that doesn’t want to be with you? I know it hurts but if he were cheating you would be here saying why not just divorce instead of cheating? You can fall out of love with someone, I know it hurts but you will be fine. Go to a mediator and split amicably and be great coparents.

I totally agree with you but I'll say that when something so huge happens, your first instinct is to want your life to remain the same. It's a totally normal response. We even gave it a whole stage in the grief process. Hopefully we can help OP process why she would work on acceptance rather than trying to force an exiting spouse to stay.

(And actually, just strategically, if you wanted your spouse to stay, accepting their announcement and showing them the door is a lot more likely to make them reconsider then you panicking and trying to convince them to stay. But ultimately it's best to let them go and trust that if they're meant to come back or stay, they will. Fighting it is wasted energy.)

NP. I’m more or less doing this, for some reason my instinct was never to fight. Just focus on getting myself ready if that’s where it’s headed. I can report back in 1-2 years how it works out.

I'm the PP you replied to, and I was the same. I think it's because he had an affair ten years ago and never really did the work to become a safe or self-aware person. I did say that we should try counseling, but when he said no, he didn't want to give me false hope, he was done, I was like, OK fine. But ten years ago after being truly blindsided by an affair, I was desperate to save the marriage. Back then I was a SAHM with two preschoolers.

So I think that if you aren't desperate to stop them from leaving, it's because on some level you have processed that the marriage wasn't good for you. I still grieved hard for several months. I had kept my heart open and forgiven as much as I could. But I wasn't going to chase after some fool who didn't want to be with me.

His life has been a big dumpster fire since he left. He developed a chronic illness that made his skin fall off after he never accommodated my illness and always told me, "A vacation with you isn't a vacation for me because of your illness." I made the mistake of asking how he was doing recently and he sent me two paragraphs all about his mucous membranes. He had to go on steroids which made him balloon up.

The only friends who have stuck around are the self-centered, emotionally unhealthy ones. Our kids are frustrated and angry with him and he can't figure out why (he sent me a self-pitying text last week about he was "hurt and annoyed" that our 13 year old declined his call). I think the new house that he can't afford and that he bought four days after he left me may be the source of his illness, as it smells weird and the basement severely floods, which I'm sure he's just thrilled about. He cried in coparenting therapy about how he was being "punished for being the breadwinner" when I asked for a 4/3 custody split, but he agreed to it, and now he's constantly giving up nights with the kids to go out with friends or travel on his own.

His affair got discovered so he and the AP couldn't pretend that they casually started dating at an appropriate time. She's honestly one of the worst people I know (and it's not that I'm jealous because I actually think the AP from ten years ago was a mostly lovely person). She moved out for 9 months and wouldn't let the kids come to her rental because it was her "sanctuary" so she just put them to bed in her ex's house a few nights a week. Now when she has them they will go 5 days without bathing. So when I think of the two of them together I just think, well, good luck guys . . .

He is actually dumb enough that when we see each other he says things like, "You know, I've been asking myself if there's anything I could have done to save the marriage." Hmmm, no, I think falling in love with two other women while we were married and never communicating your actual thoughts and feelings and not being willing to go counseling are probably the best anyone could do, so A+ to you.

At least he's endlessly amusing. I have to have a conversation with him because now that I've stopped grieving and stopped hating him, I've tried really hard to be amicable for the kids' sake, which has led to him being inappropriately touchy with me. Like he moved my hair behind my shoulder and cupped my ear while touching my neck to whisper something in my ear. And he's always putting his hand on my back when I walk by. So the next time it happens, I'll have to say, "You know, I always expected divorce to involve less touching," and he'll look really confused for five seconds and then look sheepish. It's not hard to see why a man with this little self-awareness keeps having affairs.

So yeah, this is my get out of jail free card. The marriage wasn't bad enough to leave (at least, until the second affair) and I am loyal. I over-functioned to make up for his many deficits. I did all the emotional labor and he just flitted along, oblivious to everything. I'm really glad he set me free. It took a while to get there. His AP's husband and I are trauma buddies and we had a mantra in the beginning . . . "Thank you for letting me go." At first it was something I just wanted to claim but I didn't feel it yet. But at some point I started to feel actual glee (yes, glee!) as I processed just how difficult it was to give someone so undeserving all that grace.

OP, you are a fabulous, deserving woman. If someone doesn't want to be with you, let him go. It's his loss, truly. But it's also your gain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay with someone that doesn’t want to be with you? I know it hurts but if he were cheating you would be here saying why not just divorce instead of cheating? You can fall out of love with someone, I know it hurts but you will be fine. Go to a mediator and split amicably and be great coparents.

I totally agree with you but I'll say that when something so huge happens, your first instinct is to want your life to remain the same. It's a totally normal response. We even gave it a whole stage in the grief process. Hopefully we can help OP process why she would work on acceptance rather than trying to force an exiting spouse to stay.

(And actually, just strategically, if you wanted your spouse to stay, accepting their announcement and showing them the door is a lot more likely to make them reconsider then you panicking and trying to convince them to stay. But ultimately it's best to let them go and trust that if they're meant to come back or stay, they will. Fighting it is wasted energy.)

NP. I’m more or less doing this, for some reason my instinct was never to fight. Just focus on getting myself ready if that’s where it’s headed. I can report back in 1-2 years how it works out.

I'm the PP you replied to, and I was the same. I think it's because he had an affair ten years ago and never really did the work to become a safe or self-aware person. I did say that we should try counseling, but when he said no, he didn't want to give me false hope, he was done, I was like, OK fine. But ten years ago after being truly blindsided by an affair, I was desperate to save the marriage. Back then I was a SAHM with two preschoolers.

So I think that if you aren't desperate to stop them from leaving, it's because on some level you have processed that the marriage wasn't good for you. I still grieved hard for several months. I had kept my heart open and forgiven as much as I could. But I wasn't going to chase after some fool who didn't want to be with me.

His life has been a big dumpster fire since he left. He developed a chronic illness that made his skin fall off after he never accommodated my illness and always told me, "A vacation with you isn't a vacation for me because of your illness." I made the mistake of asking how he was doing recently and he sent me two paragraphs all about his mucous membranes. He had to go on steroids which made him balloon up.

The only friends who have stuck around are the self-centered, emotionally unhealthy ones. Our kids are frustrated and angry with him and he can't figure out why (he sent me a self-pitying text last week about he was "hurt and annoyed" that our 13 year old declined his call). I think the new house that he can't afford and that he bought four days after he left me may be the source of his illness, as it smells weird and the basement severely floods, which I'm sure he's just thrilled about. He cried in coparenting therapy about how he was being "punished for being the breadwinner" when I asked for a 4/3 custody split, but he agreed to it, and now he's constantly giving up nights with the kids to go out with friends or travel on his own.

His affair got discovered so he and the AP couldn't pretend that they casually started dating at an appropriate time. She's honestly one of the worst people I know (and it's not that I'm jealous because I actually think the AP from ten years ago was a mostly lovely person). She moved out for 9 months and wouldn't let the kids come to her rental because it was her "sanctuary" so she just put them to bed in her ex's house a few nights a week. Now when she has them they will go 5 days without bathing. So when I think of the two of them together I just think, well, good luck guys . . .

He is actually dumb enough that when we see each other he says things like, "You know, I've been asking myself if there's anything I could have done to save the marriage." Hmmm, no, I think falling in love with two other women while we were married and never communicating your actual thoughts and feelings and not being willing to go counseling are probably the best anyone could do, so A+ to you.

At least he's endlessly amusing. I have to have a conversation with him because now that I've stopped grieving and stopped hating him, I've tried really hard to be amicable for the kids' sake, which has led to him being inappropriately touchy with me. Like he moved my hair behind my shoulder and cupped my ear while touching my neck to whisper something in my ear. And he's always putting his hand on my back when I walk by. So the next time it happens, I'll have to say, "You know, I always expected divorce to involve less touching," and he'll look really confused for five seconds and then look sheepish. It's not hard to see why a man with this little self-awareness keeps having affairs.

So yeah, this is my get out of jail free card. The marriage wasn't bad enough to leave (at least, until the second affair) and I am loyal. I over-functioned to make up for his many deficits. I did all the emotional labor and he just flitted along, oblivious to everything. I'm really glad he set me free. It took a while to get there. His AP's husband and I are trauma buddies and we had a mantra in the beginning . . . "Thank you for letting me go." At first it was something I just wanted to claim but I didn't feel it yet. But at some point I started to feel actual glee (yes, glee!) as I processed just how difficult it was to give someone so undeserving all that grace.

OP, you are a fabulous, deserving woman. If someone doesn't want to be with you, let him go. It's his loss, truly. But it's also your gain.

Novel lady, you’re awesome. You responded to me earlier and it made me cry to just feel seen and understood. There are so many parallels here — right down to the pity parties — and it helps a lot to know someone has gotten through this particular flavor of awfulness with humor and grace intact. I really hope OP is still reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if he is ready to try therapy, meeting clergy or taking a trip so you two can give it one more try before calling it quits.

If you really want to save this marriage, ask him what would change his mind.

If nothing works, then let it go. You'll survive but you'll know why he asked and you'll know that you tried your best.

No. Someone who has asked for a divorce has thought about it for a long time. He's not going to change his mind. Don't drag it out with therapy. He's probably having an affair and already checked out.

This.
Women file for divorce in about 75% of divorce cases.
If he is the one initiating, it’s very very likely that he’s having an affair and his mind will not be changed. Generally speaking, men will not initiate divorce without a big external push to do so.

I agree. Most men are happy in their marriage when cheating so seldom initiate divorce. They want their cake and eat it too. If he’s initiating he wants the exit. The other time men initiate is when their WIFE is the cheater. Men almost always divorce a cheater unlike women.

Bingo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t divorce if you have kids. You owe to your kids to remain married. Just separate and regulatly meet for dinners and spend time together with the kids. Be good coparents. Oh and be sure to meet for booty calls weekly or whatever works for both of you. While this is not conventional, it is still better than divorce.

I don’t understand how this is better for the kids.

Psycologically its better for children to have married parents than divorced

You actually think it’s better for kids to have separated parents banging other people and living separate lives who just happen to still be in a legal contact? Do you even have kids? You sound high AF

Thats not what I said. I said parents should stay married and separate if they cannot live amicably. They should bang each other not other people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay with someone that doesn’t want to be with you? I know it hurts but if he were cheating you would be here saying why not just divorce instead of cheating? You can fall out of love with someone, I know it hurts but you will be fine. Go to a mediator and split amicably and be great coparents.

I totally agree with you but I'll say that when something so huge happens, your first instinct is to want your life to remain the same. It's a totally normal response. We even gave it a whole stage in the grief process. Hopefully we can help OP process why she would work on acceptance rather than trying to force an exiting spouse to stay.

(And actually, just strategically, if you wanted your spouse to stay, accepting their announcement and showing them the door is a lot more likely to make them reconsider then you panicking and trying to convince them to stay. But ultimately it's best to let them go and trust that if they're meant to come back or stay, they will. Fighting it is wasted energy.)

NP. I’m more or less doing this, for some reason my instinct was never to fight. Just focus on getting myself ready if that’s where it’s headed. I can report back in 1-2 years how it works out.

I'm the PP you replied to, and I was the same. I think it's because he had an affair ten years ago and never really did the work to become a safe or self-aware person. I did say that we should try counseling, but when he said no, he didn't want to give me false hope, he was done, I was like, OK fine. But ten years ago after being truly blindsided by an affair, I was desperate to save the marriage. Back then I was a SAHM with two preschoolers.

So I think that if you aren't desperate to stop them from leaving, it's because on some level you have processed that the marriage wasn't good for you. I still grieved hard for several months. I had kept my heart open and forgiven as much as I could. But I wasn't going to chase after some fool who didn't want to be with me.

His life has been a big dumpster fire since he left. He developed a chronic illness that made his skin fall off after he never accommodated my illness and always told me, "A vacation with you isn't a vacation for me because of your illness." I made the mistake of asking how he was doing recently and he sent me two paragraphs all about his mucous membranes. He had to go on steroids which made him balloon up.

The only friends who have stuck around are the self-centered, emotionally unhealthy ones. Our kids are frustrated and angry with him and he can't figure out why (he sent me a self-pitying text last week about he was "hurt and annoyed" that our 13 year old declined his call). I think the new house that he can't afford and that he bought four days after he left me may be the source of his illness, as it smells weird and the basement severely floods, which I'm sure he's just thrilled about. He cried in coparenting therapy about how he was being "punished for being the breadwinner" when I asked for a 4/3 custody split, but he agreed to it, and now he's constantly giving up nights with the kids to go out with friends or travel on his own.

His affair got discovered so he and the AP couldn't pretend that they casually started dating at an appropriate time. She's honestly one of the worst people I know (and it's not that I'm jealous because I actually think the AP from ten years ago was a mostly lovely person). She moved out for 9 months and wouldn't let the kids come to her rental because it was her "sanctuary" so she just put them to bed in her ex's house a few nights a week. Now when she has them they will go 5 days without bathing. So when I think of the two of them together I just think, well, good luck guys . . .

He is actually dumb enough that when we see each other he says things like, "You know, I've been asking myself if there's anything I could have done to save the marriage." Hmmm, no, I think falling in love with two other women while we were married and never communicating your actual thoughts and feelings and not being willing to go counseling are probably the best anyone could do, so A+ to you.

At least he's endlessly amusing. I have to have a conversation with him because now that I've stopped grieving and stopped hating him, I've tried really hard to be amicable for the kids' sake, which has led to him being inappropriately touchy with me. Like he moved my hair behind my shoulder and cupped my ear while touching my neck to whisper something in my ear. And he's always putting his hand on my back when I walk by. So the next time it happens, I'll have to say, "You know, I always expected divorce to involve less touching," and he'll look really confused for five seconds and then look sheepish. It's not hard to see why a man with this little self-awareness keeps having affairs.

So yeah, this is my get out of jail free card. The marriage wasn't bad enough to leave (at least, until the second affair) and I am loyal. I over-functioned to make up for his many deficits. I did all the emotional labor and he just flitted along, oblivious to everything. I'm really glad he set me free. It took a while to get there. His AP's husband and I are trauma buddies and we had a mantra in the beginning . . . "Thank you for letting me go." At first it was something I just wanted to claim but I didn't feel it yet. But at some point I started to feel actual glee (yes, glee!) as I processed just how difficult it was to give someone so undeserving all that grace.

OP, you are a fabulous, deserving woman. If someone doesn't want to be with you, let him go. It's his loss, truly. But it's also your gain.

Novel lady, you’re awesome. You responded to me earlier and it made me cry to just feel seen and understood. There are so many parallels here — right down to the pity parties — and it helps a lot to know someone has gotten through this particular flavor of awfulness with humor and grace intact. I really hope OP is still reading.

Thank you, PP. You're awesome too! These things aren't easy to navigate. I do hope OP is still reading, and I'm sorry for taking up so much of her thread (and a few others). I don't really want to start my own thread because I've been specific about certain things and I don't really want anyone who knows STBX to find it (though he himself would never seek it out because he'd rather not know!). But it's very therapeutic to write about it and I hope we can all help each other through this.