Parents who take advantage with playdates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have trash parents who take advantage like this for their litter of children, then, either you cut them off, or you have them at your place and feed their kids. You do not want your child to go to their house.

We had neighbors like this and they came to our house basically for food and shelter. The few times my kids went to such homes, they came back complaining about dirty homes, broken toys, no food or terrible food, and yelly parents.

My kids have a great understanding of the dysfunction in the lives of many of their playmates. So, if you host them, you host these kids as a kindness or charity. They are not responsible for their ill bred parents and the circumstances in which they live.

You don't sound the least bit kind or charitable.

I am a pragmatist and a realist. I am quite aware of what is actually happening and there is no confusion in my mind. The "charity or kindness bit" is for others who are confused about it - but not for me.

Bottomline is that I do not want my kids to go to the homes of these kids and so I would rather host them and feed them at my house. I am not hurting for resources, time or energy to feed these children. And I also know that these kids will not be a permanent fixture for our family.

I’m a DP from the one who responded to you, but I posted saying that neighborhood kids (from multiple, good, loving families) are always coming over to my home and I’m comfortable having them over and asking them to leave.

My experience is that kids always want food at friends’ homes. I’m a bit of a health nut, but the neighborhood kids always ask for *something* and eat *whatever.* they eat snacks my kids complain about. You would think they were starving they are capable of eating so much, but my kids complain that we don’t have the delicious snacks that their families have and I’m guessing my kids eat a lot over there too. So I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that they don’t have food (or shelter? Aren’t they your neighbors?) because they are coming over to play and requesting food.

Also raising your children to think of others as “ill bred” IS a form of dysfunction.

You seem oddly triggered. Are you sure you know what thread you are on? Not talking about your neighborhood kids who come from good, loving families. Not talking about your neighborhood families that reciprocate. Not talking about the quality of your granola snacks either.

I am talking about kids with some behavioral issues that come from dysfunctional families. Or adults who take advantage of your hospitality. You don't have to live in a trailer to have trashy behavior. The easiest way to explain to your kids about why some neighbors are like that is to tell them that they are ill-bred. Which they actually are.

I prefer saying ill-bred rather than saying that the neighbor's mom is a cocaine snorting ex-public school teacher who is boning a barely legal student in the house and is a complete whackjob. It explains why the kid come to my house, dirty, starving and has sticky fingers so I have to keep a close ete. Or why another kid in the neighborhood is sadistic and violent to other kids - mainly because he has neglectful divorced parents who abuse alcohol and possibly him. Or the pair of sullen siblings who used to come to our house to watch PBS programs and eat meals and would be at my house for HOURS and whose dad got arrested for distributing child porn. These are just ill-bred people

People are dysfunctional because of ill-breeding mainly. The degree of dysfunction can be more or less depending upon culture, circumstances, education, mental illness, poverty, addiction etc.

Not reciprocating is also a part of dysfunction that stems from ill-breeding because how can a person otherwise not care about these basic rules of social engagement? Most of these people probably feel happy about not reciprocating and taking advantage of others goodwill.

Speaking of "triggered"

I imagine this person considers herself "well-bred" and the provider of a "good, loving home" without having any awareness of "these basic rules of social engagement" she's breaking with this comment.

Of course, I also have to imagine those examples actually happening, because they definitely did not, and even if they had, nobody would've let this judgy betch be involved enough in their chaos to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hardest when it's a close neighbor. Sometimes, my kid runs out the door to one friend's house before I can stop them. I am constantly inviting their kid over, but my kid is at their house more than they are at mine because my kid is more aggressive about the friendship. I would have no problem if their mom sent my kid home if they were busy.

If my kid ran out the door without asking my permission they wouldn’t stay at the house. I would go get them and bring them home.

This. My kids are young though, five and eight. I have gone over to a house where they were playing and dragged them home for leaving without permission. I expect elementary children to tell me where they are going.

I have also told the other parent to always tell me if my children are coming over too much. I actually love when my children knock on a neighbor’s door and are told no. Hearing no is a life skill I want them to develop. I just don’t want it to be a burden on the neighbors and have articulated that to the neighbors.


A few things feel funny to me in OP’s situation. I’ve told my children many times that they cannot invite themselves *in*. They are to invite the other children *out* to play or over to our house. I also don’t do errands while my children are running around our cul-de-sac or over at a nearby house. That feels like I’m taking advantage of childcare. The OP needs to chat with the parent of the two children. OP could ask for reciprocity, ask to limit the kids to x# of days per week, limit the kids to certain times, or stop playdates for a period of time. We don’t have proof the other family is taking advantage of OP, but I can see why she would be annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have trash parents who take advantage like this for their litter of children, then, either you cut them off, or you have them at your place and feed their kids. You do not want your child to go to their house.

We had neighbors like this and they came to our house basically for food and shelter. The few times my kids went to such homes, they came back complaining about dirty homes, broken toys, no food or terrible food, and yelly parents.

My kids have a great understanding of the dysfunction in the lives of many of their playmates. So, if you host them, you host these kids as a kindness or charity. They are not responsible for their ill bred parents and the circumstances in which they live.

You don't sound the least bit kind or charitable.

I am a pragmatist and a realist. I am quite aware of what is actually happening and there is no confusion in my mind. The "charity or kindness bit" is for others who are confused about it - but not for me.

Bottomline is that I do not want my kids to go to the homes of these kids and so I would rather host them and feed them at my house. I am not hurting for resources, time or energy to feed these children. And I also know that these kids will not be a permanent fixture for our family.

I’m a DP from the one who responded to you, but I posted saying that neighborhood kids (from multiple, good, loving families) are always coming over to my home and I’m comfortable having them over and asking them to leave.

My experience is that kids always want food at friends’ homes. I’m a bit of a health nut, but the neighborhood kids always ask for *something* and eat *whatever.* they eat snacks my kids complain about. You would think they were starving they are capable of eating so much, but my kids complain that we don’t have the delicious snacks that their families have and I’m guessing my kids eat a lot over there too. So I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that they don’t have food (or shelter? Aren’t they your neighbors?) because they are coming over to play and requesting food.

Also raising your children to think of others as “ill bred” IS a form of dysfunction.

You seem oddly triggered. Are you sure you know what thread you are on? Not talking about your neighborhood kids who come from good, loving families. Not talking about your neighborhood families that reciprocate. Not talking about the quality of your granola snacks either.

I am talking about kids with some behavioral issues that come from dysfunctional families. Or adults who take advantage of your hospitality. You don't have to live in a trailer to have trashy behavior. The easiest way to explain to your kids about why some neighbors are like that is to tell them that they are ill-bred. Which they actually are.

I prefer saying ill-bred rather than saying that the neighbor's mom is a cocaine snorting ex-public school teacher who is boning a barely legal student in the house and is a complete whackjob. It explains why the kid come to my house, dirty, starving and has sticky fingers so I have to keep a close ete. Or why another kid in the neighborhood is sadistic and violent to other kids - mainly because he has neglectful divorced parents who abuse alcohol and possibly him. Or the pair of sullen siblings who used to come to our house to watch PBS programs and eat meals and would be at my house for HOURS and whose dad got arrested for distributing child porn. These are just ill-bred people

People are dysfunctional because of ill-breeding mainly. The degree of dysfunction can be more or less depending upon culture, circumstances, education, mental illness, poverty, addiction etc.

Not reciprocating is also a part of dysfunction that stems from ill-breeding because how can a person otherwise not care about these basic rules of social engagement? Most of these people probably feel happy about not reciprocating and taking advantage of others goodwill.

Gosh. What kind of neighborhood do you live in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hardest when it's a close neighbor. Sometimes, my kid runs out the door to one friend's house before I can stop them. I am constantly inviting their kid over, but my kid is at their house more than they are at mine because my kid is more aggressive about the friendship. I would have no problem if their mom sent my kid home if they were busy.

If my kid ran out the door without asking my permission they wouldn’t stay at the house. I would go get them and bring them home.

This. My kids are young though, five and eight. I have gone over to a house where they were playing and dragged them home for leaving without permission. I expect elementary children to tell me where they are going.

I have also told the other parent to always tell me if my children are coming over too much. I actually love when my children knock on a neighbor’s door and are told no. Hearing no is a life skill I want them to develop. I just don’t want it to be a burden on the neighbors and have articulated that to the neighbors.


A few things feel funny to me in OP’s situation. I’ve told my children many times that they cannot invite themselves *in*. They are to invite the other children *out* to play or over to our house. I also don’t do errands while my children are running around our cul-de-sac or over at a nearby house. That feels like I’m taking advantage of childcare. The OP needs to chat with the parent of the two children. OP could ask for reciprocity, ask to limit the kids to x# of days per week, limit the kids to certain times, or stop playdates for a period of time. We don’t have proof the other family is taking advantage of OP, but I can see why she would be annoyed.

Your 5 and 8 year old leave without permission. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hardest when it's a close neighbor. Sometimes, my kid runs out the door to one friend's house before I can stop them. I am constantly inviting their kid over, but my kid is at their house more than they are at mine because my kid is more aggressive about the friendship. I would have no problem if their mom sent my kid home if they were busy.

If my kid ran out the door without asking my permission they wouldn’t stay at the house. I would go get them and bring them home.

This. My kids are young though, five and eight. I have gone over to a house where they were playing and dragged them home for leaving without permission. I expect elementary children to tell me where they are going.

I have also told the other parent to always tell me if my children are coming over too much. I actually love when my children knock on a neighbor’s door and are told no. Hearing no is a life skill I want them to develop. I just don’t want it to be a burden on the neighbors and have articulated that to the neighbors.


A few things feel funny to me in OP’s situation. I’ve told my children many times that they cannot invite themselves *in*. They are to invite the other children *out* to play or over to our house. I also don’t do errands while my children are running around our cul-de-sac or over at a nearby house. That feels like I’m taking advantage of childcare. The OP needs to chat with the parent of the two children. OP could ask for reciprocity, ask to limit the kids to x# of days per week, limit the kids to certain times, or stop playdates for a period of time. We don’t have proof the other family is taking advantage of OP, but I can see why she would be annoyed.

You should text the family ask if their kids can come over and play. You don’t send your kids over and they demand to play so you get free babysitting. I’d tell your kids no every time and at some point stop answering the door. You are rude. Parent your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have trash parents who take advantage like this for their litter of children, then, either you cut them off, or you have them at your place and feed their kids. You do not want your child to go to their house.

We had neighbors like this and they came to our house basically for food and shelter. The few times my kids went to such homes, they came back complaining about dirty homes, broken toys, no food or terrible food, and yelly parents.

My kids have a great understanding of the dysfunction in the lives of many of their playmates. So, if you host them, you host these kids as a kindness or charity. They are not responsible for their ill bred parents and the circumstances in which they live.

You don't sound the least bit kind or charitable.

I am a pragmatist and a realist. I am quite aware of what is actually happening and there is no confusion in my mind. The "charity or kindness bit" is for others who are confused about it - but not for me.

Bottomline is that I do not want my kids to go to the homes of these kids and so I would rather host them and feed them at my house. I am not hurting for resources, time or energy to feed these children. And I also know that these kids will not be a permanent fixture for our family.

I’m a DP from the one who responded to you, but I posted saying that neighborhood kids (from multiple, good, loving families) are always coming over to my home and I’m comfortable having them over and asking them to leave.

My experience is that kids always want food at friends’ homes. I’m a bit of a health nut, but the neighborhood kids always ask for *something* and eat *whatever.* they eat snacks my kids complain about. You would think they were starving they are capable of eating so much, but my kids complain that we don’t have the delicious snacks that their families have and I’m guessing my kids eat a lot over there too. So I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that they don’t have food (or shelter? Aren’t they your neighbors?) because they are coming over to play and requesting food.

Also raising your children to think of others as “ill bred” IS a form of dysfunction.

You seem oddly triggered. Are you sure you know what thread you are on? Not talking about your neighborhood kids who come from good, loving families. Not talking about your neighborhood families that reciprocate. Not talking about the quality of your granola snacks either.

I am talking about kids with some behavioral issues that come from dysfunctional families. Or adults who take advantage of your hospitality. You don't have to live in a trailer to have trashy behavior. The easiest way to explain to your kids about why some neighbors are like that is to tell them that they are ill-bred. Which they actually are.

I prefer saying ill-bred rather than saying that the neighbor's mom is a cocaine snorting ex-public school teacher who is boning a barely legal student in the house and is a complete whackjob. It explains why the kid come to my house, dirty, starving and has sticky fingers so I have to keep a close ete. Or why another kid in the neighborhood is sadistic and violent to other kids - mainly because he has neglectful divorced parents who abuse alcohol and possibly him. Or the pair of sullen siblings who used to come to our house to watch PBS programs and eat meals and would be at my house for HOURS and whose dad got arrested for distributing child porn. These are just ill-bred people

People are dysfunctional because of ill-breeding mainly. The degree of dysfunction can be more or less depending upon culture, circumstances, education, mental illness, poverty, addiction etc.

Not reciprocating is also a part of dysfunction that stems from ill-breeding because how can a person otherwise not care about these basic rules of social engagement? Most of these people probably feel happy about not reciprocating and taking advantage of others goodwill.

Gosh. What kind of neighborhood do you live in?

The land of make-believe, prolly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hardest when it's a close neighbor. Sometimes, my kid runs out the door to one friend's house before I can stop them. I am constantly inviting their kid over, but my kid is at their house more than they are at mine because my kid is more aggressive about the friendship. I would have no problem if their mom sent my kid home if they were busy.

If my kid ran out the door without asking my permission they wouldn’t stay at the house. I would go get them and bring them home.

This. My kids are young though, five and eight. I have gone over to a house where they were playing and dragged them home for leaving without permission. I expect elementary children to tell me where they are going.

I have also told the other parent to always tell me if my children are coming over too much. I actually love when my children knock on a neighbor’s door and are told no. Hearing no is a life skill I want them to develop. I just don’t want it to be a burden on the neighbors and have articulated that to the neighbors.


A few things feel funny to me in OP’s situation. I’ve told my children many times that they cannot invite themselves *in*. They are to invite the other children *out* to play or over to our house. I also don’t do errands while my children are running around our cul-de-sac or over at a nearby house. That feels like I’m taking advantage of childcare. The OP needs to chat with the parent of the two children. OP could ask for reciprocity, ask to limit the kids to x# of days per week, limit the kids to certain times, or stop playdates for a period of time. We don’t have proof the other family is taking advantage of OP, but I can see why she would be annoyed.

You should text the family ask if their kids can come over and play. You don’t send your kids over and they demand to play so you get free babysitting. I’d tell your kids no every time and at some point stop answering the door. You are rude. Parent your kids.

And if you’re not careful your kids will be losers with no friends and no resilience or ability to function without mommy holding their hands. Do you even let them wipe their own butts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In their minds it's not taking advantage, because they don't think that the burden of refusal placed on you is making you suffer. Lots of people are like this, OP! My own husband among them. I've had to talk to him about it several times. He treats others like he would himself - he doesn't mind saying no, so he doesn't imagine saying no would be a problem for someone else.

It’s called Ask vs Guess culture. It’s a life changing thing to understand. https://therapyinanutshell.com/communication-skill/

I think it's shitty to call one of them "guess culture." That doesn't ring true to me. One is ask culture. The other is "don't impose" culture. Or "expect only what you'd want expected of you" culture. Or "be very thoughtful of the other person" culture. It's not about guessing.

It's classic low context vs high context cultural styles. Low context = direct, no guessing. High context = you have to know a lot about the culture to communicate.