Parents who take advantage with playdates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

A nanny adds an extra layer of difficulty! We've had issues with our nanny letting our kid spend all afternoon at the neighbor's house repeatedly. She's otherwise an excellent nanny, but she used the neighbors for her downtime, which reflected poorly on us. We talked through it.

She was taking off the whole afternoon repeatedly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

Be real. It wasn't "inadvertent". You were using someone else's childcare. OP's neighbors are the same, but hopefully they have an attitude like yours and will be embarrassed but move on with no hard feelings.

The nanny is in charge. She could have said no.

DP. She did and should not have had to. Clearly you have never had to work at a job with this kind of power differential.

Wrong. If I am in charge, I make the decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m probably a terrible play date host, but, unless you are leaving the house, I really can’t imagine a situation where two seven year olds are harder to take care of than one seven year old.

I don’t love to jump on the trampoline or look for ants or make forts or pretend there is a portal in our backyard. What are people doing with their seven year old that’s easier than letting them play with a friend?

They will fight with their friend, or their friend will throw art supplies all over the room, or their friend will make a huge mess with food. Just playing with my kid is more enjoyable and takes the same amount of time/effort or less.

I doubt this happens often. If it did happen, the kids will clean it up and play date is over. Easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m probably a terrible play date host, but, unless you are leaving the house, I really can’t imagine a situation where two seven year olds are harder to take care of than one seven year old.

I don’t love to jump on the trampoline or look for ants or make forts or pretend there is a portal in our backyard. What are people doing with their seven year old that’s easier than letting them play with a friend?

They will fight with their friend, or their friend will throw art supplies all over the room, or their friend will make a huge mess with food. Just playing with my kid is more enjoyable and takes the same amount of time/effort or less.

I doubt this happens often. If it did happen, the kids will clean it up and play date is over. Easy.

I understand the millennial childhood is gone, but my parents were not remotely involved in my afterschool play with neighbors at 7. Truly, why are these framed as "play dates" instead of neighborhood kids playing and occupying themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

Be real. It wasn't "inadvertent". You were using someone else's childcare. OP's neighbors are the same, but hopefully they have an attitude like yours and will be embarrassed but move on with no hard feelings.

Are you this paranoid about everything, or just willing to assume ill-intent because it's a story about a stranger?

If you feel your boundaries are being pushed, you should speak up.

I mean, this falls under the "should have known" clause of "knew or should have known" i hope you offered her backpay

Yeah, the amount of believable embarrassment and the sincerity of whatever apology may have been offered are both directly connected to how much you offered in financial amends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t any of these kids have a dad?

This is the real talk this thread needed. Why aren't the dads coordinating playdate logistics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m probably a terrible play date host, but, unless you are leaving the house, I really can’t imagine a situation where two seven year olds are harder to take care of than one seven year old.

I don’t love to jump on the trampoline or look for ants or make forts or pretend there is a portal in our backyard. What are people doing with their seven year old that’s easier than letting them play with a friend?

They will fight with their friend, or their friend will throw art supplies all over the room, or their friend will make a huge mess with food. Just playing with my kid is more enjoyable and takes the same amount of time/effort or less.

Any of those things should only start to happen maybe the once before you, the responsible adult, get involved and put a stop to them. The other kid isn't responsible for parenting your kid; you're still the adult on duty.

[Anonymous]

If you have trash parents who take advantage like this for their litter of children, then, either you cut them off, or you have them at your place and feed their kids. You do not want your child to go to their house.

We had neighbors like this and they came to our house basically for food and shelter. The few times my kids went to such homes, they came back complaining about dirty homes, broken toys, no food or terrible food, and yelly parents.

My kids have a great understanding of the dysfunction in the lives of many of their playmates. So, if you host them, you host these kids as a kindness or charity. They are not responsible for their ill bred parents and the circumstances in which they live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have trash parents who take advantage like this for their litter of children, then, either you cut them off, or you have them at your place and feed their kids. You do not want your child to go to their house.

We had neighbors like this and they came to our house basically for food and shelter. The few times my kids went to such homes, they came back complaining about dirty homes, broken toys, no food or terrible food, and yelly parents.

My kids have a great understanding of the dysfunction in the lives of many of their playmates. So, if you host them, you host these kids as a kindness or charity. They are not responsible for their ill bred parents and the circumstances in which they live.

You don't sound the least bit kind or charitable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

Be real. It wasn't "inadvertent". You were using someone else's childcare. OP's neighbors are the same, but hopefully they have an attitude like yours and will be embarrassed but move on with no hard feelings.

The nanny is in charge. She could have said no.

DP. She did and should not have had to. Clearly you have never had to work at a job with this kind of power differential.

The power differential between an adult and a random six year old?

I think the nanny was just looking for additional money. She probably always waits for pp to contact her first if the girls arranged to get together during the school day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t any of these kids have a dad?

This is the real talk this thread needed. Why aren't the dads coordinating playdate logistics?

The dads are busy letting the kids go outside and play in the neighborhood and not micromanaging every single interaction between elementary school aged kids on a Saturday…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t any of these kids have a dad?

This is the real talk this thread needed. Why aren't the dads coordinating playdate logistics?

Why aren’t they even home? Where are they? It’s every weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t any of these kids have a dad?

This is the real talk this thread needed. Why aren't the dads coordinating playdate logistics?

💯

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have trash parents who take advantage like this for their litter of children, then, either you cut them off, or you have them at your place and feed their kids. You do not want your child to go to their house.

We had neighbors like this and they came to our house basically for food and shelter. The few times my kids went to such homes, they came back complaining about dirty homes, broken toys, no food or terrible food, and yelly parents.

My kids have a great understanding of the dysfunction in the lives of many of their playmates. So, if you host them, you host these kids as a kindness or charity. They are not responsible for their ill bred parents and the circumstances in which they live.

You don't sound the least bit kind or charitable.

I am a pragmatist and a realist. I am quite aware of what is actually happening and there is no confusion in my mind. The "charity or kindness bit" is for others who are confused about it - but not for me.

Bottomline is that I do not want my kids to go to the homes of these kids and so I would rather host them and feed them at my house. I am not hurting for resources, time or energy to feed these children. And I also know that these kids will not be a permanent fixture for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

A nanny adds an extra layer of difficulty! We've had issues with our nanny letting our kid spend all afternoon at the neighbor's house repeatedly. She's otherwise an excellent nanny, but she used the neighbors for her downtime, which reflected poorly on us. We talked through it.

She was taking off the whole afternoon repeatedly?

No, but my kid was going to the neighbor's too often when I was at work, and I needed the other mom to call my attention to the situation to fix it. My kid loves the neighbor's kid, and my nanny thought the socialization was good for her. We just needed to do a better job of inviting the neighbor over to our house as much as possible.