Parents who take advantage with playdates

[Anonymous]

We have a neighbor who is constantly sending her 7-year-old over to play at my house. Every weekend, sometimes both days, the mom either asks for a playdate so she can do things with her other kids or run errands or the child comes solo on a bike. The child gets along with mine and I feel for them because I don't think they get much attention at home - they are in the middle of four kids.

However, I work full-time in the office and need my weekends to get stuff done. My kids also need downtime. My younger child (not the same age as visiting kid) has ADHD and ASD and gets very dysregulated when there are these day-long playdates. This child also is not one where the playdate turns into a break for me. They tend to get into stuff so they need some supervision, and mediation with fights, and this kid never comes fed so I am often making them lunch or snacks too.

I have told the mom no a few times and have sent the kid away when we are busy so I am not really asking about how resolve this as much as venting - how are people so clueless and take advantage?

[Anonymous]

In their minds it's not taking advantage, because they don't think that the burden of refusal placed on you is making you suffer. Lots of people are like this, OP! My own husband among them. I've had to talk to him about it several times. He treats others like he would himself - he doesn't mind saying no, so he doesn't imagine saying no would be a problem for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In their minds it's not taking advantage, because they don't think that the burden of refusal placed on you is making you suffer. Lots of people are like this, OP! My own husband among them. I've had to talk to him about it several times. He treats others like he would himself - he doesn't mind saying no, so he doesn't imagine saying no would be a problem for someone else.

This is exactly right.

I'm someone who has a hard time saying no, so I basically only invite or ask people to do things if I'm certain they want to.

But I think learning to say no is such a great skill and this is an opportunity for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In their minds it's not taking advantage, because they don't think that the burden of refusal placed on you is making you suffer. Lots of people are like this, OP! My own husband among them. I've had to talk to him about it several times. He treats others like he would himself - he doesn't mind saying no, so he doesn't imagine saying no would be a problem for someone else.

This. I am sure the mom sees no problem with it. This would annoy me too.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the parents may not even notice or care to notice because they're too overwhelmed. One of our neighbors have 6 kids and 2 working parents, and the youngest 2 were constantly at my house after school. Then I talked to another neighbor on the street was mentioning that the same 2 kids were always at her house. I'm not sure when those two kids were ever home. Just say no if it doesn't work for you and move on.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would just say no when the parents reach out for a play date if it is one sided. We usually just rotate the house for play dates with friends, occasionally we will switch up the order if one set of parents isn't around. We try and stick with friends that don't need a ton of supervision.

[Anonymous]

I have a helpful personality / I'm always friendly with other parents and kids so I realized parents just think I enjoy the playdates and spending time with their children. Like others said, it's ok to just say no. I don't think they are doing this to purposefully take advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In their minds it's not taking advantage, because they don't think that the burden of refusal placed on you is making you suffer. Lots of people are like this, OP! My own husband among them. I've had to talk to him about it several times. He treats others like he would himself - he doesn't mind saying no, so he doesn't imagine saying no would be a problem for someone else.

Agreed. I was talking to my best friend about this because I was nicely trying to say people may see her as trying to take advantage of them. And she really had no idea why people would see it that way. She just looked at me like I had two heads and said "if they didn't want to do it, they would just say no".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In their minds it's not taking advantage, because they don't think that the burden of refusal placed on you is making you suffer. Lots of people are like this, OP! My own husband among them. I've had to talk to him about it several times. He treats others like he would himself - he doesn't mind saying no, so he doesn't imagine saying no would be a problem for someone else.

NP here. In other people's minds, they're not taking advantage because they're waiting for you to ask them to reciprocate. They figure that when you need them to host your kid, you'll ask, and they're willing to say yes.

[Anonymous]

It's hardest when it's a close neighbor. Sometimes, my kid runs out the door to one friend's house before I can stop them. I am constantly inviting their kid over, but my kid is at their house more than they are at mine because my kid is more aggressive about the friendship. I would have no problem if their mom sent my kid home if they were busy.

[Anonymous]

BTDT

She’s taking advantage of you and most likely knows it. She knows she sent her child over unfed and she knows that her child comes home fed.

I had to completely cut off a family like that. They were neighbors, but enough was enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hardest when it's a close neighbor. Sometimes, my kid runs out the door to one friend's house before I can stop them. I am constantly inviting their kid over, but my kid is at their house more than they are at mine because my kid is more aggressive about the friendship. I would have no problem if their mom sent my kid home if they were busy.

If my kid ran out the door without asking my permission they wouldn’t stay at the house. I would go get them and bring them home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hardest when it's a close neighbor. Sometimes, my kid runs out the door to one friend's house before I can stop them. I am constantly inviting their kid over, but my kid is at their house more than they are at mine because my kid is more aggressive about the friendship. I would have no problem if their mom sent my kid home if they were busy.

If my kid ran out the door without asking my permission they wouldn’t stay at the house. I would go get them and bring them home.

We have a group of kids on our street that have been very close, maybe too close, for a long time. They are constantly back and forth between houses, but one house is more favored. We have pulled back, but the free-range culture has been long established.

[Anonymous]

What is up with some of you new mommies and your victimese? Nobody is "taking advantage" of you. If you don't want to host, say no. If you say yes without working out the reciprocity you seem to want, that's on you.

Acting super put out about hosting a kid when you haven't said no is some weak adulting on your part. Use your words.

[Anonymous]

She knows what she is doing. She doesn't care. It is frustrating when people has more kids than they could handle and impose on others.