Parents who take advantage with playdates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t any of these kids have a dad?

This is the real talk this thread needed. Why aren't the dads coordinating playdate logistics?

The dads are busy letting the kids go outside and play in the neighborhood and not micromanaging every single interaction between elementary school aged kids on a Saturday…

Sure.
But where is the dad when the one mom goes to run errands. Where is the other dad when the OP is doing chores and caring for her SN child?

Why is there only one adult in both homes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t any of these kids have a dad?

This is the real talk this thread needed. Why aren't the dads coordinating playdate logistics?

The dads are busy letting the kids go outside and play in the neighborhood and not micromanaging every single interaction between elementary school aged kids on a Saturday…

Sure.
But where is the dad when the one mom goes to run errands. Where is the other dad when the OP is doing chores and caring for her SN child?

Why is there only one adult in both homes?

I don’t know. Working? Grocery shopping? Coaching soccer?

What difference does it make. It’s not the Dads making kids playing together in the neighborhood so complicated and dramatic. It’s ALWAYS the moms.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s a big deal if a neighbor kid knocks on the door from time to time and invites your kid to play. That is the socially normal thing to do. To invite your child to either play outside or invite your child back to their house. What’s not normal is for a kid or parent to invite themselves to YOUR house. I think that’s why you’re uncomfortable. No big deal if mom has a circumstance or reason and asks you here or there. But you feel taken advantage of because you didn’t do the inviting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

Be real. It wasn't "inadvertent". You were using someone else's childcare. OP's neighbors are the same, but hopefully they have an attitude like yours and will be embarrassed but move on with no hard feelings.

The nanny is in charge. She could have said no.

DP. She did and should not have had to. Clearly you have never had to work at a job with this kind of power differential.

The power differential between an adult and a random six year old?

I think the nanny was just looking for additional money. She probably always waits for pp to contact her first if the girls arranged to get together during the school day.

Between the mom and the nanny. The mom is sending the child over repeatedly and host mom is not doing anything to prevent it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t any of these kids have a dad?

This is the real talk this thread needed. Why aren't the dads coordinating playdate logistics?

The dads are busy letting the kids go outside and play in the neighborhood and not micromanaging every single interaction between elementary school aged kids on a Saturday…

Sure.
But where is the dad when the one mom goes to run errands. Where is the other dad when the OP is doing chores and caring for her SN child?

Why is there only one adult in both homes?

I don’t know. Working? Grocery shopping? Coaching soccer?

What difference does it make. It’s not the Dads making kids playing together in the neighborhood so complicated and dramatic. It’s ALWAYS the moms.

This is nonsensical. Of course the people watching the kids are the ones who care about the play dates.

Saying that it’s ALWAYS the moms who make kids playing together dramatic is like saying that it’s ALWAYS the married people who end up divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t any of these kids have a dad?

This is the real talk this thread needed. Why aren't the dads coordinating playdate logistics?

The dads are busy letting the kids go outside and play in the neighborhood and not micromanaging every single interaction between elementary school aged kids on a Saturday…

Sure.
But where is the dad when the one mom goes to run errands. Where is the other dad when the OP is doing chores and caring for her SN child?

Why is there only one adult in both homes?

I don’t know. Working? Grocery shopping? Coaching soccer?

What difference does it make. It’s not the Dads making kids playing together in the neighborhood so complicated and dramatic. It’s ALWAYS the moms.

This is nonsensical. Of course the people watching the kids are the ones who care about the play dates.

Saying that it’s ALWAYS the moms who make kids playing together dramatic is like saying that it’s ALWAYS the married people who end up divorced.

You’ve missed the point. There shouldn’t be anyone “watching the kids” when they’re elementary school aged and live down the street from each other. Just send them outside and stop hovering! That’s what the Dads do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have trash parents who take advantage like this for their litter of children, then, either you cut them off, or you have them at your place and feed their kids. You do not want your child to go to their house.

We had neighbors like this and they came to our house basically for food and shelter. The few times my kids went to such homes, they came back complaining about dirty homes, broken toys, no food or terrible food, and yelly parents.

My kids have a great understanding of the dysfunction in the lives of many of their playmates. So, if you host them, you host these kids as a kindness or charity. They are not responsible for their ill bred parents and the circumstances in which they live.

You don't sound the least bit kind or charitable.

I am a pragmatist and a realist. I am quite aware of what is actually happening and there is no confusion in my mind. The "charity or kindness bit" is for others who are confused about it - but not for me.

Bottomline is that I do not want my kids to go to the homes of these kids and so I would rather host them and feed them at my house. I am not hurting for resources, time or energy to feed these children. And I also know that these kids will not be a permanent fixture for our family.

I’m a DP from the one who responded to you, but I posted saying that neighborhood kids (from multiple, good, loving families) are always coming over to my home and I’m comfortable having them over and asking them to leave.

My experience is that kids always want food at friends’ homes. I’m a bit of a health nut, but the neighborhood kids always ask for *something* and eat *whatever.* they eat snacks my kids complain about. You would think they were starving they are capable of eating so much, but my kids complain that we don’t have the delicious snacks that their families have and I’m guessing my kids eat a lot over there too. So I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that they don’t have food (or shelter? Aren’t they your neighbors?) because they are coming over to play and requesting food.

Also raising your children to think of others as “ill bred” IS a form of dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t any of these kids have a dad?

This is the real talk this thread needed. Why aren't the dads coordinating playdate logistics?

The dads are busy letting the kids go outside and play in the neighborhood and not micromanaging every single interaction between elementary school aged kids on a Saturday…

Sure.
But where is the dad when the one mom goes to run errands. Where is the other dad when the OP is doing chores and caring for her SN child?

Why is there only one adult in both homes?

I don’t know. Working? Grocery shopping? Coaching soccer?

What difference does it make. It’s not the Dads making kids playing together in the neighborhood so complicated and dramatic. It’s ALWAYS the moms.

This is nonsensical. Of course the people watching the kids are the ones who care about the play dates.

Saying that it’s ALWAYS the moms who make kids playing together dramatic is like saying that it’s ALWAYS the married people who end up divorced.

You’ve missed the point. There shouldn’t be anyone “watching the kids” when they’re elementary school aged and live down the street from each other. Just send them outside and stop hovering! That’s what the Dads do.

Right….but why can’t dad help watch the younger child with autism??
Why can’t dad run the errands or be responsible for his seven year old while mom runs the errands.

I’m not saying that all dads are like this. In fact, it seems remarkably odd to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s a big deal if a neighbor kid knocks on the door from time to time and invites your kid to play. That is the socially normal thing to do. To invite your child to either play outside or invite your child back to their house. What’s not normal is for a kid or parent to invite themselves to YOUR house. I think that’s why you’re uncomfortable. No big deal if mom has a circumstance or reason and asks you here or there. But you feel taken advantage of because you didn’t do the inviting!

They are inviting your kid to play. They are not inviting themselves to YOUR house. If they end up inside your house, it's because that's where they (including YOUR kid) decided to play. Why is everything such a personal affront?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s a big deal if a neighbor kid knocks on the door from time to time and invites your kid to play. That is the socially normal thing to do. To invite your child to either play outside or invite your child back to their house. What’s not normal is for a kid or parent to invite themselves to YOUR house. I think that’s why you’re uncomfortable. No big deal if mom has a circumstance or reason and asks you here or there. But you feel taken advantage of because you didn’t do the inviting!

Its annoying. We had kids much older than ours knock and want to "play." The age difference was huge. It wasn't playing, it was free babysitting. NO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s a big deal if a neighbor kid knocks on the door from time to time and invites your kid to play. That is the socially normal thing to do. To invite your child to either play outside or invite your child back to their house. What’s not normal is for a kid or parent to invite themselves to YOUR house. I think that’s why you’re uncomfortable. No big deal if mom has a circumstance or reason and asks you here or there. But you feel taken advantage of because you didn’t do the inviting!

Its annoying. We had kids much older than ours knock and want to "play." The age difference was huge. It wasn't playing, it was free babysitting. NO.

Then just say no and kids will stop inviting your kids to play and you can entertain them all by yourself so nobody can take advantage of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have trash parents who take advantage like this for their litter of children, then, either you cut them off, or you have them at your place and feed their kids. You do not want your child to go to their house.

We had neighbors like this and they came to our house basically for food and shelter. The few times my kids went to such homes, they came back complaining about dirty homes, broken toys, no food or terrible food, and yelly parents.

My kids have a great understanding of the dysfunction in the lives of many of their playmates. So, if you host them, you host these kids as a kindness or charity. They are not responsible for their ill bred parents and the circumstances in which they live.

You don't sound the least bit kind or charitable.

I am a pragmatist and a realist. I am quite aware of what is actually happening and there is no confusion in my mind. The "charity or kindness bit" is for others who are confused about it - but not for me.

Bottomline is that I do not want my kids to go to the homes of these kids and so I would rather host them and feed them at my house. I am not hurting for resources, time or energy to feed these children. And I also know that these kids will not be a permanent fixture for our family.

I’m a DP from the one who responded to you, but I posted saying that neighborhood kids (from multiple, good, loving families) are always coming over to my home and I’m comfortable having them over and asking them to leave.

My experience is that kids always want food at friends’ homes. I’m a bit of a health nut, but the neighborhood kids always ask for *something* and eat *whatever.* they eat snacks my kids complain about. You would think they were starving they are capable of eating so much, but my kids complain that we don’t have the delicious snacks that their families have and I’m guessing my kids eat a lot over there too. So I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that they don’t have food (or shelter? Aren’t they your neighbors?) because they are coming over to play and requesting food.

Also raising your children to think of others as “ill bred” IS a form of dysfunction.

You seem oddly triggered. Are you sure you know what thread you are on? Not talking about your neighborhood kids who come from good, loving families. Not talking about your neighborhood families that reciprocate. Not talking about the quality of your granola snacks either.

I am talking about kids with some behavioral issues that come from dysfunctional families. Or adults who take advantage of your hospitality. You don't have to live in a trailer to have trashy behavior. The easiest way to explain to your kids about why some neighbors are like that is to tell them that they are ill-bred. Which they actually are.

I prefer saying ill-bred rather than saying that the neighbor's mom is a cocaine snorting ex-public school teacher who is boning a barely legal student in the house and is a complete whackjob. It explains why the kid come to my house, dirty, starving and has sticky fingers so I have to keep a close ete. Or why another kid in the neighborhood is sadistic and violent to other kids - mainly because he has neglectful divorced parents who abuse alcohol and possibly him. Or the pair of sullen siblings who used to come to our house to watch PBS programs and eat meals and would be at my house for HOURS and whose dad got arrested for distributing child porn. These are just ill-bred people

People are dysfunctional because of ill-breeding mainly. The degree of dysfunction can be more or less depending upon culture, circumstances, education, mental illness, poverty, addiction etc.

Not reciprocating is also a part of dysfunction that stems from ill-breeding because how can a person otherwise not care about these basic rules of social engagement? Most of these people probably feel happy about not reciprocating and taking advantage of others goodwill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would start sending the kid away with a message "Ask your mom to text me first next time."

I like this approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have trash parents who take advantage like this for their litter of children, then, either you cut them off, or you have them at your place and feed their kids. You do not want your child to go to their house.

We had neighbors like this and they came to our house basically for food and shelter. The few times my kids went to such homes, they came back complaining about dirty homes, broken toys, no food or terrible food, and yelly parents.

My kids have a great understanding of the dysfunction in the lives of many of their playmates. So, if you host them, you host these kids as a kindness or charity. They are not responsible for their ill bred parents and the circumstances in which they live.

You don't sound the least bit kind or charitable.

I am a pragmatist and a realist. I am quite aware of what is actually happening and there is no confusion in my mind. The "charity or kindness bit" is for others who are confused about it - but not for me.

Bottomline is that I do not want my kids to go to the homes of these kids and so I would rather host them and feed them at my house. I am not hurting for resources, time or energy to feed these children. And I also know that these kids will not be a permanent fixture for our family.

I’m a DP from the one who responded to you, but I posted saying that neighborhood kids (from multiple, good, loving families) are always coming over to my home and I’m comfortable having them over and asking them to leave.

My experience is that kids always want food at friends’ homes. I’m a bit of a health nut, but the neighborhood kids always ask for *something* and eat *whatever.* they eat snacks my kids complain about. You would think they were starving they are capable of eating so much, but my kids complain that we don’t have the delicious snacks that their families have and I’m guessing my kids eat a lot over there too. So I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that they don’t have food (or shelter? Aren’t they your neighbors?) because they are coming over to play and requesting food.

Also raising your children to think of others as “ill bred” IS a form of dysfunction.

You seem oddly triggered. Are you sure you know what thread you are on? Not talking about your neighborhood kids who come from good, loving families. Not talking about your neighborhood families that reciprocate. Not talking about the quality of your granola snacks either.

I am talking about kids with some behavioral issues that come from dysfunctional families. Or adults who take advantage of your hospitality. You don't have to live in a trailer to have trashy behavior. The easiest way to explain to your kids about why some neighbors are like that is to tell them that they are ill-bred. Which they actually are.

I prefer saying ill-bred rather than saying that the neighbor's mom is a cocaine snorting ex-public school teacher who is boning a barely legal student in the house and is a complete whackjob. It explains why the kid come to my house, dirty, starving and has sticky fingers so I have to keep a close ete. Or why another kid in the neighborhood is sadistic and violent to other kids - mainly because he has neglectful divorced parents who abuse alcohol and possibly him. Or the pair of sullen siblings who used to come to our house to watch PBS programs and eat meals and would be at my house for HOURS and whose dad got arrested for distributing child porn. These are just ill-bred people

People are dysfunctional because of ill-breeding mainly. The degree of dysfunction can be more or less depending upon culture, circumstances, education, mental illness, poverty, addiction etc.

Not reciprocating is also a part of dysfunction that stems from ill-breeding because how can a person otherwise not care about these basic rules of social engagement? Most of these people probably feel happy about not reciprocating and taking advantage of others goodwill.

These seem like oddly specific scenarios that 99% of people are unlikely to encounter when accepting neighborhood kids over their homes. It also seems like it would be a great kindness to feed the hungry kid and let the sullen kids watch your tv. I'm sure the imposition of both hardly compares to their daily suffering. Or you could continue to complain about their ill-bred parents and turn them away, secure in your "better" station.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have trash parents who take advantage like this for their litter of children, then, either you cut them off, or you have them at your place and feed their kids. You do not want your child to go to their house.

We had neighbors like this and they came to our house basically for food and shelter. The few times my kids went to such homes, they came back complaining about dirty homes, broken toys, no food or terrible food, and yelly parents.

My kids have a great understanding of the dysfunction in the lives of many of their playmates. So, if you host them, you host these kids as a kindness or charity. They are not responsible for their ill bred parents and the circumstances in which they live.

You don't sound the least bit kind or charitable.

I am a pragmatist and a realist. I am quite aware of what is actually happening and there is no confusion in my mind. The "charity or kindness bit" is for others who are confused about it - but not for me.

Bottomline is that I do not want my kids to go to the homes of these kids and so I would rather host them and feed them at my house. I am not hurting for resources, time or energy to feed these children. And I also know that these kids will not be a permanent fixture for our family.

I’m a DP from the one who responded to you, but I posted saying that neighborhood kids (from multiple, good, loving families) are always coming over to my home and I’m comfortable having them over and asking them to leave.

My experience is that kids always want food at friends’ homes. I’m a bit of a health nut, but the neighborhood kids always ask for *something* and eat *whatever.* they eat snacks my kids complain about. You would think they were starving they are capable of eating so much, but my kids complain that we don’t have the delicious snacks that their families have and I’m guessing my kids eat a lot over there too. So I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that they don’t have food (or shelter? Aren’t they your neighbors?) because they are coming over to play and requesting food.

Also raising your children to think of others as “ill bred” IS a form of dysfunction.

You seem oddly triggered. Are you sure you know what thread you are on? Not talking about your neighborhood kids who come from good, loving families. Not talking about your neighborhood families that reciprocate. Not talking about the quality of your granola snacks either.

I am talking about kids with some behavioral issues that come from dysfunctional families. Or adults who take advantage of your hospitality. You don't have to live in a trailer to have trashy behavior. The easiest way to explain to your kids about why some neighbors are like that is to tell them that they are ill-bred. Which they actually are.

I prefer saying ill-bred rather than saying that the neighbor's mom is a cocaine snorting ex-public school teacher who is boning a barely legal student in the house and is a complete whackjob. It explains why the kid come to my house, dirty, starving and has sticky fingers so I have to keep a close ete. Or why another kid in the neighborhood is sadistic and violent to other kids - mainly because he has neglectful divorced parents who abuse alcohol and possibly him. Or the pair of sullen siblings who used to come to our house to watch PBS programs and eat meals and would be at my house for HOURS and whose dad got arrested for distributing child porn. These are just ill-bred people

People are dysfunctional because of ill-breeding mainly. The degree of dysfunction can be more or less depending upon culture, circumstances, education, mental illness, poverty, addiction etc.

Not reciprocating is also a part of dysfunction that stems from ill-breeding because how can a person otherwise not care about these basic rules of social engagement? Most of these people probably feel happy about not reciprocating and taking advantage of others goodwill.

Speaking of "triggered"