Parents who take advantage with playdates

[Anonymous]

Set a limit that you are comfortable with, 2-3 times a month for ac3 hour play date.

[Anonymous]

Send the kids over to the neighbors house when you are sick of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fundamentally and whole-heartedly disagree that "it's always ok to ask." Asking shifts the burden to the other person. It's hard to say no once someone asks you for something. There are things that it's ok to ask for and things you should rein yourself in over.

Don't ask for anything because the person you're asking may not have the spine to say no? Is that seriously what you're suggesting?

[Anonymous]

I think people are overlooking that in this case, the "host" has another child with special needs. It really sucks to impose in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In their minds it's not taking advantage, because they don't think that the burden of refusal placed on you is making you suffer. Lots of people are like this, OP! My own husband among them. I've had to talk to him about it several times. He treats others like he would himself - he doesn't mind saying no, so he doesn't imagine saying no would be a problem for someone else.

It’s called Ask vs Guess culture. It’s a life changing thing to understand. https://therapyinanutshell.com/communication-skill/

Thanks for sharing this. I’m always shocked by but very much appreciate people who are direct. I’ve noticed my friends from other countries tend to be much more direct with requests than Americans. It’s refreshing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In their minds it's not taking advantage, because they don't think that the burden of refusal placed on you is making you suffer. Lots of people are like this, OP! My own husband among them. I've had to talk to him about it several times. He treats others like he would himself - he doesn't mind saying no, so he doesn't imagine saying no would be a problem for someone else.

It’s called Ask vs Guess culture. It’s a life changing thing to understand. https://therapyinanutshell.com/communication-skill/

I think it's shitty to call one of them "guess culture." That doesn't ring true to me. One is ask culture. The other is "don't impose" culture. Or "expect only what you'd want expected of you" culture. Or "be very thoughtful of the other person" culture. It's not about guessing.

But in your explanation your are merely guessing that the other person feels the way you do.

[Anonymous]

I have neighborhood kids at my home all the time.
When you need them to go home, or want them to go home, just tell them.
“Larla, my Marla needs quiet time. It’s time to go home.”
“Larla, I’m preparing for guests and want my house to stay clean. Go home.”
“Larla, it’s our family time now. Go home.”
“Larla, it’s time to go home.”
“Larla, we aren’t hosting anyone today. Next time.”
You really can tell your kids’ friends “because I said so.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fundamentally and whole-heartedly disagree that "it's always ok to ask." Asking shifts the burden to the other person. It's hard to say no once someone asks you for something. There are things that it's ok to ask for and things you should rein yourself in over.

I agree with this, and I think the whole “ask” vs “guess” thing is on a spectrum. Even someone from a “guess” culture would think it’s okay to ask if a seat is being saved in a crowded auditorium, and even someone from an “ask” culture wouldn’t ask a casual acquaintance if they want to have sex.

I really just can’t tell from the OP where this is on the spectrum of things. I mean, if the other mom is sending her child over and then leaving for the day with no adults at home, then that’s a pretty big imposition.
If a neighbor child is coming over to play with the expectation that the OP can send him home when it’s time for him to go or send both kids to the neighbors house if her younger child is getting upset, that seems kind of normal.

[Anonymous]

I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have neighborhood kids at my home all the time.
When you need them to go home, or want them to go home, just tell them.
“Larla, my Marla needs quiet time. It’s time to go home.”
“Larla, I’m preparing for guests and want my house to stay clean. Go home.”
“Larla, it’s our family time now. Go home.”
“Larla, it’s time to go home.”
“Larla, we aren’t hosting anyone today. Next time.”
You really can tell your kids’ friends “because I said so.”

I’m glad you said this! My kids go to neighbors houses and kids come to our house all of the time. My son’s closest neighborhood friend prefers to play at her house, so he is there a lot.

I just assume that her mom sends DS home when she doesn’t want him there.

[Anonymous]

I’m probably a terrible play date host, but, unless you are leaving the house, I really can’t imagine a situation where two seven year olds are harder to take care of than one seven year old.

I don’t love to jump on the trampoline or look for ants or make forts or pretend there is a portal in our backyard. What are people doing with their seven year old that’s easier than letting them play with a friend?

[Anonymous]

The mom knows she is taking advantage and doesn’t care. Folks like this won’t see you as a friend- she sees you as her help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m probably a terrible play date host, but, unless you are leaving the house, I really can’t imagine a situation where two seven year olds are harder to take care of than one seven year old.

I don’t love to jump on the trampoline or look for ants or make forts or pretend there is a portal in our backyard. What are people doing with their seven year old that’s easier than letting them play with a friend?

Lol good point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a neighbor who is constantly sending her 7-year-old over to play at my house. Every weekend, sometimes both days, the mom either asks for a playdate so she can do things with her other kids or run errands or the child comes solo on a bike. The child gets along with mine and I feel for them because I don't think they get much attention at home - they are in the middle of four kids.

However, I work full-time in the office and need my weekends to get stuff done. My kids also need downtime. My younger child (not the same age as visiting kid) has ADHD and ASD and gets very dysregulated when there are these day-long playdates. This child also is not one where the playdate turns into a break for me. They tend to get into stuff so they need some supervision, and mediation with fights, and this kid never comes fed so I am often making them lunch or snacks too.

I have told the mom no a few times and have sent the kid away when we are busy so I am not really asking about how resolve this as much as venting - how are people so clueless and take advantage?

You're letting her.

We had a ridiculous situation happen once. Kid was invited over to play. Mom or Dad would drop off and we would take him home, at an agreed to time because we had plans. Nobody was home when we dropped off, calls and messages went unreturned. We told him to go to a neighbor. He said "mom thought you would let me stay longer".

That child was never here again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

What did you work out?
I could absolutely see this happening where you are only really reciprocating on the weekends when the nanny isn’t there.

I see the nanny’s point of view, but I see yours too! Who would just randomly tell their kid that they aren’t allowed to go play with their friend after school sometimes?