Parents who take advantage with playdates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

Be real. It wasn't "inadvertent". You were using someone else's childcare. OP's neighbors are the same, but hopefully they have an attitude like yours and will be embarrassed but move on with no hard feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

A nanny adds an extra layer of difficulty! We've had issues with our nanny letting our kid spend all afternoon at the neighbor's house repeatedly. She's otherwise an excellent nanny, but she used the neighbors for her downtime, which reflected poorly on us. We talked through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

What did you work out?
I could absolutely see this happening where you are only really reciprocating on the weekends when the nanny isn’t there.

I see the nanny’s point of view, but I see yours too! Who would just randomly tell their kid that they aren’t allowed to go play with their friend after school sometimes?

We have a policy that if the nanny invites my child (she sizes up her day and determines it would be helpful to have a playmate there), then I don't pay. If I ask her for a playdate, I am understanding that I am paying. The kids can play outside on our cul-de-sac but the nanny is not officially responsible for my child and if they make plans or decide to go inside, my child needs to come home. We have a text thread with the nanny and the other parents so everyone knows the plan!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

Be real. It wasn't "inadvertent". You were using someone else's childcare. OP's neighbors are the same, but hopefully they have an attitude like yours and will be embarrassed but move on with no hard feelings.

Are you this paranoid about everything, or just willing to assume ill-intent because it's a story about a stranger?

If you feel your boundaries are being pushed, you should speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

What did you work out?
I could absolutely see this happening where you are only really reciprocating on the weekends when the nanny isn’t there.

I see the nanny’s point of view, but I see yours too! Who would just randomly tell their kid that they aren’t allowed to go play with their friend after school sometimes?

We have a policy that if the nanny invites my child (she sizes up her day and determines it would be helpful to have a playmate there), then I don't pay. If I ask her for a playdate, I am understanding that I am paying. The kids can play outside on our cul-de-sac but the nanny is not officially responsible for my child and if they make plans or decide to go inside, my child needs to come home. We have a text thread with the nanny and the other parents so everyone knows the plan!

Amazing how adult conversation solved the issue!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m probably a terrible play date host, but, unless you are leaving the house, I really can’t imagine a situation where two seven year olds are harder to take care of than one seven year old.

I don’t love to jump on the trampoline or look for ants or make forts or pretend there is a portal in our backyard. What are people doing with their seven year old that’s easier than letting them play with a friend?

Same! 1-4 it's more work, but once they're in that 5-12 range, it's so much easier to just let them get along with each other while you do something nearby. And then, of course, once they hit teen/tween you're not allowed to be nearby anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knows what she is doing. She doesn't care. It is frustrating when people has more kids than they could handle and impose on others.

This. I’m noticing this more and more: people taking on too much in terms of number of children, house size, activities, etc. I’m not sure what this about for people but it’s not okay to overestimate your ability to manage this and then either constantly complain or try to get other people to take on the work. Most people can’t handle more than a few children. A lot of people need to stop at one. There is a really good reason why family size has shrunk
So significantly over the past few decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knows what she is doing. She doesn't care. It is frustrating when people has more kids than they could handle and impose on others.

This. I’m noticing this more and more: people taking on too much in terms of number of children, house size, activities, etc. I’m not sure what this about for people but it’s not okay to overestimate your ability to manage this and then either constantly complain or try to get other people to take on the work. Most people can’t handle more than a few children. A lot of people need to stop at one. There is a really good reason why family size has shrunk
So significantly over the past few decades.

Imagine being this judgmental about something that's none of your damned business instead of just saying "Sorry, we're busy today" when you don't feel like hosting a playdate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

Be real. It wasn't "inadvertent". You were using someone else's childcare. OP's neighbors are the same, but hopefully they have an attitude like yours and will be embarrassed but move on with no hard feelings.

The nanny is in charge. She could have said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m probably a terrible play date host, but, unless you are leaving the house, I really can’t imagine a situation where two seven year olds are harder to take care of than one seven year old.

I don’t love to jump on the trampoline or look for ants or make forts or pretend there is a portal in our backyard. What are people doing with their seven year old that’s easier than letting them play with a friend?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

Be real. It wasn't "inadvertent". You were using someone else's childcare. OP's neighbors are the same, but hopefully they have an attitude like yours and will be embarrassed but move on with no hard feelings.

Are you this paranoid about everything, or just willing to assume ill-intent because it's a story about a stranger?

If you feel your boundaries are being pushed, you should speak up.

I mean, this falls under the "should have known" clause of "knew or should have known" i hope you offered her backpay

[Anonymous]

Why don’t any of these kids have a dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m probably a terrible play date host, but, unless you are leaving the house, I really can’t imagine a situation where two seven year olds are harder to take care of than one seven year old.

I don’t love to jump on the trampoline or look for ants or make forts or pretend there is a portal in our backyard. What are people doing with their seven year old that’s easier than letting them play with a friend?

They will fight with their friend, or their friend will throw art supplies all over the room, or their friend will make a huge mess with food. Just playing with my kid is more enjoyable and takes the same amount of time/effort or less.

[Anonymous]

This seems more like an issue with the particular kid - what you describe isn’t typical behavior of 7 year olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was inadvertently doing this to my neighbor! they have a full time nanny and my child would just run down there most days to play. I assumed it was fine but as I am working until 6, I was never able to offer to host here. My neighbor ended up confronting me and let me know that her nanny felt really taken advantage of, and moving forward, she would like to be paid for watching the extra kid. I was so embarrassed! Of course, I saw her point of view and now we have a good system for playdates that everyone feels comfy with. Just communicate and set clear boundaries.

Be real. It wasn't "inadvertent". You were using someone else's childcare. OP's neighbors are the same, but hopefully they have an attitude like yours and will be embarrassed but move on with no hard feelings.

The nanny is in charge. She could have said no.

DP. She did and should not have had to. Clearly you have never had to work at a job with this kind of power differential.