Does hiring childcare make me a bad parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is so hard about:

1) of course hiring childcare doesn't make you a bad parent

And

2) don't share every detail of your childcare arrangement at work because people have different resources and, for example, a night nurse will be viewed by most as a luxury

And

3) the opinion of some random coworker who doesn't even have kids is irrelevant here and to be completely disregarded

And yet if she rolls up to work in a brand new car or goes to Bali or buys a $4M house in McLean to be in a good school pyramid no one will bat an eye, and on the $4M they’ll say how great it is she’s making and investment in her kid.

So maybe consider why not risking your life and your baby’s life by being sleep deprived is such a “luxury” you shouldn’t mention it to coworkers. Good grief.

Uh, if she "rolls up" to work in some super expensive car or does any of those other things and then talks about it extensively at work, people will 100% judge her for failing to recognize that different people have different resources and not everyone can afford to vacation in Bali or spend $4m on a house in McLean.

If you truly believe that not having both a day and night nanny during the postpartum period is "risking the life" of the mother and baby, they I highly suggest you get to work addressing that need for the 99% of the population who cannot afford. Including me, by the way. I had severe PPD and no family help due to a health crisis in my family (cancer) and I didn't have any nannies during maternity leave at all. Am I supposed to sit in the break room and listen to OP drone on about how her night nurse was essential and everyone should have one without rolling my damn eyes at her privileged tone deaf a$$. No thank you.

Get a night nurse, don't get a night nurse. Don't expect people you barely know to fall all over themselves congratulating you on having a significantly more privileged position than the vast majority of mothers in this country.

Thanks for that guidance I have in fact been working with our benefits providers to make sure my staff get overnight care stipends as part of maternity coverage. So far it’s not much (we cover about $100/ night) but it’s not nothing and yes I believe this would absolutely save lives if it were more wildly available.

You know what helps no one? Dumping on people—especially women, especially new mothers— for taking care of their needs. Maybe consider not being part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

There is no time in history where women were expected to be with their babies / kids as single handedly as we are now. You think women with 7 other kids and a massive list of chores 200 years ago also cared for their baby by themselves 24/7? Babies used to be cared for by the extended family - no one expected a mom to get 3 hours of sleep, care for other children and do their work (whether paid or chores at home). Women aren't somehow super humans able to perform at the same level with little sleep - I have no idea why we push this belief on to each other or because one person could do it everyone else should despite people (moms and babies) being wildly different

Get the help - I do wish everyone had access to it but theres no sense in your suffering just because other people don't have access to it

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is so hard about:

1) of course hiring childcare doesn't make you a bad parent

And

2) don't share every detail of your childcare arrangement at work because people have different resources and, for example, a night nurse will be viewed by most as a luxury

And

3) the opinion of some random coworker who doesn't even have kids is irrelevant here and to be completely disregarded

And yet if she rolls up to work in a brand new car or goes to Bali or buys a $4M house in McLean to be in a good school pyramid no one will bat an eye, and on the $4M they’ll say how great it is she’s making and investment in her kid.

So maybe consider why not risking your life and your baby’s life by being sleep deprived is such a “luxury” you shouldn’t mention it to coworkers. Good grief.

Uh, if she "rolls up" to work in some super expensive car or does any of those other things and then talks about it extensively at work, people will 100% judge her for failing to recognize that different people have different resources and not everyone can afford to vacation in Bali or spend $4m on a house in McLean.

If you truly believe that not having both a day and night nanny during the postpartum period is "risking the life" of the mother and baby, they I highly suggest you get to work addressing that need for the 99% of the population who cannot afford. Including me, by the way. I had severe PPD and no family help due to a health crisis in my family (cancer) and I didn't have any nannies during maternity leave at all. Am I supposed to sit in the break room and listen to OP drone on about how her night nurse was essential and everyone should have one without rolling my damn eyes at her privileged tone deaf a$$. No thank you.

Get a night nurse, don't get a night nurse. Don't expect people you barely know to fall all over themselves congratulating you on having a significantly more privileged position than the vast majority of mothers in this country.

Thanks for that guidance I have in fact been working with our benefits providers to make sure my staff get overnight care stipends as part of maternity coverage. So far it’s not much (we cover about $100/ night) but it’s not nothing and yes I believe this would absolutely save lives if it were more wildly available.

You know what helps no one? Dumping on people—especially women, especially new mothers— for taking care of their needs. Maybe consider not being part of the problem.

No one is dumping on OP or any woman for taking care of her needs. What we are saying is that you have to be aware that in the year 2025 in the United States of America, having two nannies during your maternity leave is wildly more than the vast majority of women have and think about that before explaining, in detail, your situation to random people you work with. OP is FINE -- she has the care she needs and will be able to sleep well in her post partum time and will not have to worry about caring for her toddler as she's recovering from birth and trying to bond with her baby. But in addition to this, she needs all her coworkers to reassure her it's okay? Grow up. Other people have bigger problems than this, like figuring out how to afford childcare at all.

And look at you, actually advocating for this care and it still only covers half what this service costs at a minimum? So that's how out of reach this is for most people. If your staff can afford to make up the difference of $100 or more per night to get this service, then they are already quite well off. And if they can't then the extra benefits don't help them.

I'm not shaming anyone for hiring a night nurse. I'm saying if you are fortunate enough to do this, think twice before telling bunch of other women how great it is because most of them are going to think "well yeah, duh, sounds good but no way in hell are we going to be able to afford this, why is this rich lady prattling on about her rich person crap over there?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is so hard about:

1) of course hiring childcare doesn't make you a bad parent

And

2) don't share every detail of your childcare arrangement at work because people have different resources and, for example, a night nurse will be viewed by most as a luxury

And

3) the opinion of some random coworker who doesn't even have kids is irrelevant here and to be completely disregarded

And yet if she rolls up to work in a brand new car or goes to Bali or buys a $4M house in McLean to be in a good school pyramid no one will bat an eye, and on the $4M they’ll say how great it is she’s making and investment in her kid.

So maybe consider why not risking your life and your baby’s life by being sleep deprived is such a “luxury” you shouldn’t mention it to coworkers. Good grief.

Uh, if she "rolls up" to work in some super expensive car or does any of those other things and then talks about it extensively at work, people will 100% judge her for failing to recognize that different people have different resources and not everyone can afford to vacation in Bali or spend $4m on a house in McLean.

If you truly believe that not having both a day and night nanny during the postpartum period is "risking the life" of the mother and baby, they I highly suggest you get to work addressing that need for the 99% of the population who cannot afford. Including me, by the way. I had severe PPD and no family help due to a health crisis in my family (cancer) and I didn't have any nannies during maternity leave at all. Am I supposed to sit in the break room and listen to OP drone on about how her night nurse was essential and everyone should have one without rolling my damn eyes at her privileged tone deaf a$$. No thank you.

Get a night nurse, don't get a night nurse. Don't expect people you barely know to fall all over themselves congratulating you on having a significantly more privileged position than the vast majority of mothers in this country.

Thanks for that guidance I have in fact been working with our benefits providers to make sure my staff get overnight care stipends as part of maternity coverage. So far it’s not much (we cover about $100/ night) but it’s not nothing and yes I believe this would absolutely save lives if it were more wildly available.

You know what helps no one? Dumping on people—especially women, especially new mothers— for taking care of their needs. Maybe consider not being part of the problem.

No one is dumping on OP or any woman for taking care of her needs. What we are saying is that you have to be aware that in the year 2025 in the United States of America, having two nannies during your maternity leave is wildly more than the vast majority of women have and think about that before explaining, in detail, your situation to random people you work with. OP is FINE -- she has the care she needs and will be able to sleep well in her post partum time and will not have to worry about caring for her toddler as she's recovering from birth and trying to bond with her baby. But in addition to this, she needs all her coworkers to reassure her it's okay? Grow up. Other people have bigger problems than this, like figuring out how to afford childcare at all.

And look at you, actually advocating for this care and it still only covers half what this service costs at a minimum? So that's how out of reach this is for most people. If your staff can afford to make up the difference of $100 or more per night to get this service, then they are already quite well off. And if they can't then the extra benefits don't help them.

I'm not shaming anyone for hiring a night nurse. I'm saying if you are fortunate enough to do this, think twice before telling bunch of other women how great it is because most of them are going to think "well yeah, duh, sounds good but no way in hell are we going to be able to afford this, why is this rich lady prattling on about her rich person crap over there?"

In this thread alone, mothers have been accused of not meeting their children’s needs if they choose to have someone else make them breakfast, OP was called a bad parent multiple times, and you think talking about getting postpartum support at work should be taboo (golf can still be discussed right? Even though it helps no one, harms the environment, and is only for the wealthy?)

So yes, you’re doing plenty of dumping.
I’m sorry you didn’t have support— truly I am sorry; I had a baby in COVID and that baby was cared for exclusively by myself and my husband. But you’re only hurting others and you are helping no one but yourself in whatever gratification you get yelling at new mothers online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no time in history where women were expected to be with their babies / kids as single handedly as we are now. You think women with 7 other kids and a massive list of chores 200 years ago also cared for their baby by themselves 24/7? Babies used to be cared for by the extended family - no one expected a mom to get 3 hours of sleep, care for other children and do their work (whether paid or chores at home). Women aren't somehow super humans able to perform at the same level with little sleep - I have no idea why we push this belief on to each other or because one person could do it everyone else should despite people (moms and babies) being wildly different

Get the help - I do wish everyone had access to it but theres no sense in your suffering just because other people don't have access to it

This x a million

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it, do it. You and your husband are no good if you're sleep deprived. Looking back, I would have absolutely done a night nurse for the first few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is so hard about:

1) of course hiring childcare doesn't make you a bad parent

And

2) don't share every detail of your childcare arrangement at work because people have different resources and, for example, a night nurse will be viewed by most as a luxury

And

3) the opinion of some random coworker who doesn't even have kids is irrelevant here and to be completely disregarded

And yet if she rolls up to work in a brand new car or goes to Bali or buys a $4M house in McLean to be in a good school pyramid no one will bat an eye, and on the $4M they’ll say how great it is she’s making and investment in her kid.

So maybe consider why not risking your life and your baby’s life by being sleep deprived is such a “luxury” you shouldn’t mention it to coworkers. Good grief.

Uh, if she "rolls up" to work in some super expensive car or does any of those other things and then talks about it extensively at work, people will 100% judge her for failing to recognize that different people have different resources and not everyone can afford to vacation in Bali or spend $4m on a house in McLean.

If you truly believe that not having both a day and night nanny during the postpartum period is "risking the life" of the mother and baby, they I highly suggest you get to work addressing that need for the 99% of the population who cannot afford. Including me, by the way. I had severe PPD and no family help due to a health crisis in my family (cancer) and I didn't have any nannies during maternity leave at all. Am I supposed to sit in the break room and listen to OP drone on about how her night nurse was essential and everyone should have one without rolling my damn eyes at her privileged tone deaf a$$. No thank you.

Get a night nurse, don't get a night nurse. Don't expect people you barely know to fall all over themselves congratulating you on having a significantly more privileged position than the vast majority of mothers in this country.

Thanks for that guidance I have in fact been working with our benefits providers to make sure my staff get overnight care stipends as part of maternity coverage. So far it’s not much (we cover about $100/ night) but it’s not nothing and yes I believe this would absolutely save lives if it were more wildly available.

You know what helps no one? Dumping on people—especially women, especially new mothers— for taking care of their needs. Maybe consider not being part of the problem.

No one is dumping on OP or any woman for taking care of her needs. What we are saying is that you have to be aware that in the year 2025 in the United States of America, having two nannies during your maternity leave is wildly more than the vast majority of women have and think about that before explaining, in detail, your situation to random people you work with. OP is FINE -- she has the care she needs and will be able to sleep well in her post partum time and will not have to worry about caring for her toddler as she's recovering from birth and trying to bond with her baby. But in addition to this, she needs all her coworkers to reassure her it's okay? Grow up. Other people have bigger problems than this, like figuring out how to afford childcare at all.

And look at you, actually advocating for this care and it still only covers half what this service costs at a minimum? So that's how out of reach this is for most people. If your staff can afford to make up the difference of $100 or more per night to get this service, then they are already quite well off. And if they can't then the extra benefits don't help them.

I'm not shaming anyone for hiring a night nurse. I'm saying if you are fortunate enough to do this, think twice before telling bunch of other women how great it is because most of them are going to think "well yeah, duh, sounds good but no way in hell are we going to be able to afford this, why is this rich lady prattling on about her rich person crap over there?"

In this thread alone, mothers have been accused of not meeting their children’s needs if they choose to have someone else make them breakfast, OP was called a bad parent multiple times, and you think talking about getting postpartum support at work should be taboo (golf can still be discussed right? Even though it helps no one, harms the environment, and is only for the wealthy?)

So yes, you’re doing plenty of dumping.
I’m sorry you didn’t have support— truly I am sorry; I had a baby in COVID and that baby was cared for exclusively by myself and my husband. But you’re only hurting others and you are helping no one but yourself in whatever gratification you get yelling at new mothers online.

You are exaggerating and taking things out of context. The comment about making breakfast had NOTHING to do with a night nurse or maternal mental health. It was a mom saying that she's so glad she has help on the weekends so she can take her kid sledding while her hired help makes them brunch, and several people pointed out this is eyeroll inducing because the idea that you couldn't prepare a healthy breakfast for your kid and take them sledding without hired help is silly. It actually had nothing to do with OP's complaint.

Where has OP been called a bad parent because she's getting a night nurse. Some people have snarkily said that OP sounds like a bad parent regardless of whether she gets a night nurse, though I think that has to do with the tone of some of OP's comments and has little to do with her hiring help.

The truth is that having hired help for night wake ups is not a realistic goal for most moms, unless you are okay paying the women (and it is ALWAYS women doing this work) slave wages. That's what happens in a lot of countries where this is a common practice -- immigrant women with very few rights are paid poverty wages to do this work. Is that what you wish was more commonplace in the US? And then who do the night nurses hire to help with their babies? Do you see the problem?

Traditional female family members (again it was ALWAYS WOMEN) would help with this -- the child's aunts and grandmother, as well as older sisters and cousins. But this is unpaid labor performed by women -- it is any wonder it stopped?

If you actually care about helping new moms, advocating for "normalizing" night nurses will never help any more than the very wealthiest women, or those who happen to have female family members willing to sacrifice for them. Here's what would actually help: parental leave for both parents that lasts beyond a handful of weeks, proper mental healthcare for new parents and new moms especially so that women who are struggling actually get seen and treated for mental health concerns. A more communal attitude towards families and children in general, so that new parents but especially new moms are given more leeway, particularly in those early months, and not expected to bounce back to normal schedules and obligations despite having just gone through pregnancy, childbirth, and raising an infant.

Night nurses are a solution for a select few wealthy families. It's an end run around this country's piss poor healthcare and mental healthcare "systems" especially for women and children. But it's not a society-level solution. "Night nurses for all" is not a rallying cry because who are these night nurses? Who nurses the night nurses children at night?

And that is why if you have a night nurse, good for you, but don't expect everyone to celebrate your choice and dont' go advertising it anywhere but in settings with other wealthy families. Or accept that if you do, some people are going to be pissy about it. Their judgment is misplaced but honestly, they have bigger problems than the feelings of some rich, privileged woman getting a solid 9 hours a night with a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is so hard about:

1) of course hiring childcare doesn't make you a bad parent

And

2) don't share every detail of your childcare arrangement at work because people have different resources and, for example, a night nurse will be viewed by most as a luxury

And

3) the opinion of some random coworker who doesn't even have kids is irrelevant here and to be completely disregarded

And yet if she rolls up to work in a brand new car or goes to Bali or buys a $4M house in McLean to be in a good school pyramid no one will bat an eye, and on the $4M they’ll say how great it is she’s making and investment in her kid.

So maybe consider why not risking your life and your baby’s life by being sleep deprived is such a “luxury” you shouldn’t mention it to coworkers. Good grief.

Uh, if she "rolls up" to work in some super expensive car or does any of those other things and then talks about it extensively at work, people will 100% judge her for failing to recognize that different people have different resources and not everyone can afford to vacation in Bali or spend $4m on a house in McLean.

If you truly believe that not having both a day and night nanny during the postpartum period is "risking the life" of the mother and baby, they I highly suggest you get to work addressing that need for the 99% of the population who cannot afford. Including me, by the way. I had severe PPD and no family help due to a health crisis in my family (cancer) and I didn't have any nannies during maternity leave at all. Am I supposed to sit in the break room and listen to OP drone on about how her night nurse was essential and everyone should have one without rolling my damn eyes at her privileged tone deaf a$$. No thank you.

Get a night nurse, don't get a night nurse. Don't expect people you barely know to fall all over themselves congratulating you on having a significantly more privileged position than the vast majority of mothers in this country.

Thanks for that guidance I have in fact been working with our benefits providers to make sure my staff get overnight care stipends as part of maternity coverage. So far it’s not much (we cover about $100/ night) but it’s not nothing and yes I believe this would absolutely save lives if it were more wildly available.

You know what helps no one? Dumping on people—especially women, especially new mothers— for taking care of their needs. Maybe consider not being part of the problem.

No one is dumping on OP or any woman for taking care of her needs. What we are saying is that you have to be aware that in the year 2025 in the United States of America, having two nannies during your maternity leave is wildly more than the vast majority of women have and think about that before explaining, in detail, your situation to random people you work with. OP is FINE -- she has the care she needs and will be able to sleep well in her post partum time and will not have to worry about caring for her toddler as she's recovering from birth and trying to bond with her baby. But in addition to this, she needs all her coworkers to reassure her it's okay? Grow up. Other people have bigger problems than this, like figuring out how to afford childcare at all.

And look at you, actually advocating for this care and it still only covers half what this service costs at a minimum? So that's how out of reach this is for most people. If your staff can afford to make up the difference of $100 or more per night to get this service, then they are already quite well off. And if they can't then the extra benefits don't help them.

I'm not shaming anyone for hiring a night nurse. I'm saying if you are fortunate enough to do this, think twice before telling bunch of other women how great it is because most of them are going to think "well yeah, duh, sounds good but no way in hell are we going to be able to afford this, why is this rich lady prattling on about her rich person crap over there?"

In this thread alone, mothers have been accused of not meeting their children’s needs if they choose to have someone else make them breakfast, OP was called a bad parent multiple times, and you think talking about getting postpartum support at work should be taboo (golf can still be discussed right? Even though it helps no one, harms the environment, and is only for the wealthy?)

So yes, you’re doing plenty of dumping.
I’m sorry you didn’t have support— truly I am sorry; I had a baby in COVID and that baby was cared for exclusively by myself and my husband. But you’re only hurting others and you are helping no one but yourself in whatever gratification you get yelling at new mothers online.

You are exaggerating and taking things out of context. The comment about making breakfast had NOTHING to do with a night nurse or maternal mental health. It was a mom saying that she's so glad she has help on the weekends so she can take her kid sledding while her hired help makes them brunch, and several people pointed out this is eyeroll inducing because the idea that you couldn't prepare a healthy breakfast for your kid and take them sledding without hired help is silly. It actually had nothing to do with OP's complaint.

Where has OP been called a bad parent because she's getting a night nurse. Some people have snarkily said that OP sounds like a bad parent regardless of whether she gets a night nurse, though I think that has to do with the tone of some of OP's comments and has little to do with her hiring help.

The truth is that having hired help for night wake ups is not a realistic goal for most moms, unless you are okay paying the women (and it is ALWAYS women doing this work) slave wages. That's what happens in a lot of countries where this is a common practice -- immigrant women with very few rights are paid poverty wages to do this work. Is that what you wish was more commonplace in the US? And then who do the night nurses hire to help with their babies? Do you see the problem?

Traditional female family members (again it was ALWAYS WOMEN) would help with this -- the child's aunts and grandmother, as well as older sisters and cousins. But this is unpaid labor performed by women -- it is any wonder it stopped?

If you actually care about helping new moms, advocating for "normalizing" night nurses will never help any more than the very wealthiest women, or those who happen to have female family members willing to sacrifice for them. Here's what would actually help: parental leave for both parents that lasts beyond a handful of weeks, proper mental healthcare for new parents and new moms especially so that women who are struggling actually get seen and treated for mental health concerns. A more communal attitude towards families and children in general, so that new parents but especially new moms are given more leeway, particularly in those early months, and not expected to bounce back to normal schedules and obligations despite having just gone through pregnancy, childbirth, and raising an infant.

Night nurses are a solution for a select few wealthy families. It's an end run around this country's piss poor healthcare and mental healthcare "systems" especially for women and children. But it's not a society-level solution. "Night nurses for all" is not a rallying cry because who are these night nurses? Who nurses the night nurses children at night?

And that is why if you have a night nurse, good for you, but don't expect everyone to celebrate your choice and dont' go advertising it anywhere but in settings with other wealthy families. Or accept that if you do, some people are going to be pissy about it. Their judgment is misplaced but honestly, they have bigger problems than the feelings of some rich, privileged woman getting a solid 9 hours a night with a newborn.

Pilot programs exist in New York and I believe another stage which allow women on Medicaid to access Doula services— until recently seen as a luxury. It would not be a significantly greater lift to add four or five postpartum overnight Doula visits or visit by home healthcare aide to that sort of program, which, yes, targets the very poorest.

However, if people like you persist in acting as though only someone born with a silver spoon in their mouth abd Rockefeller last name is going to access the night nurse, and anyone else who does it or encourages others to do do is an insensitive snob, then no it will never gain traction no matter how much evidence there is that it could save lives. You will just fuel the same rhetoric which says that people on foodstamps shouldn’t be allowed to buy steak.

So good job. Make the world a little worse today.

[Anonymous]

Chuckling at the poster who thinks it’s a GOOD thing that “unpaid labor” from female family members has stopped, but wants free mental treatment for all new moms.

Ummm maybe there would be fewer mental issues if new moms had help and companionship?

Btw, when I engage in this labor for my kids I will not consider it unpaid. It’s called paying it forward. It was priceless when I received it and it’ll be priceless when I provide it.

[Anonymous]

Most women could never afford this, and if I could, I’d keep it pretty quiet. But it does not make you a bad parent.

I tried to do it all myself with kid 1 and damn near lost my mind. For kids 2 and 3, I followed the LLL advice for safer cosleeping and did much better. Our zero risk approach to all parenting starting from birth is setting women up for mental health problems whether they work or stay home.

Oh and the idea of taking your kids sledding is a product of the past thirty years. Kids used to sled on their own in independent playgroups. But now parents are expected to play the role of a child in constant entertainment of kids AND work a job AND perform all the household labor.

Super realistic. We’re going to turn into South Korea. The dam will break eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is so hard about:

1) of course hiring childcare doesn't make you a bad parent

And

2) don't share every detail of your childcare arrangement at work because people have different resources and, for example, a night nurse will be viewed by most as a luxury

And

3) the opinion of some random coworker who doesn't even have kids is irrelevant here and to be completely disregarded

And yet if she rolls up to work in a brand new car or goes to Bali or buys a $4M house in McLean to be in a good school pyramid no one will bat an eye, and on the $4M they’ll say how great it is she’s making and investment in her kid.

So maybe consider why not risking your life and your baby’s life by being sleep deprived is such a “luxury” you shouldn’t mention it to coworkers. Good grief.

Uh, if she "rolls up" to work in some super expensive car or does any of those other things and then talks about it extensively at work, people will 100% judge her for failing to recognize that different people have different resources and not everyone can afford to vacation in Bali or spend $4m on a house in McLean.

If you truly believe that not having both a day and night nanny during the postpartum period is "risking the life" of the mother and baby, they I highly suggest you get to work addressing that need for the 99% of the population who cannot afford. Including me, by the way. I had severe PPD and no family help due to a health crisis in my family (cancer) and I didn't have any nannies during maternity leave at all. Am I supposed to sit in the break room and listen to OP drone on about how her night nurse was essential and everyone should have one without rolling my damn eyes at her privileged tone deaf a$$. No thank you.

Get a night nurse, don't get a night nurse. Don't expect people you barely know to fall all over themselves congratulating you on having a significantly more privileged position than the vast majority of mothers in this country.

Thanks for that guidance I have in fact been working with our benefits providers to make sure my staff get overnight care stipends as part of maternity coverage. So far it’s not much (we cover about $100/ night) but it’s not nothing and yes I believe this would absolutely save lives if it were more wildly available.

You know what helps no one? Dumping on people—especially women, especially new mothers— for taking care of their needs. Maybe consider not being part of the problem.

No one is dumping on OP or any woman for taking care of her needs. What we are saying is that you have to be aware that in the year 2025 in the United States of America, having two nannies during your maternity leave is wildly more than the vast majority of women have and think about that before explaining, in detail, your situation to random people you work with. OP is FINE -- she has the care she needs and will be able to sleep well in her post partum time and will not have to worry about caring for her toddler as she's recovering from birth and trying to bond with her baby. But in addition to this, she needs all her coworkers to reassure her it's okay? Grow up. Other people have bigger problems than this, like figuring out how to afford childcare at all.

And look at you, actually advocating for this care and it still only covers half what this service costs at a minimum? So that's how out of reach this is for most people. If your staff can afford to make up the difference of $100 or more per night to get this service, then they are already quite well off. And if they can't then the extra benefits don't help them.

I'm not shaming anyone for hiring a night nurse. I'm saying if you are fortunate enough to do this, think twice before telling bunch of other women how great it is because most of them are going to think "well yeah, duh, sounds good but no way in hell are we going to be able to afford this, why is this rich lady prattling on about her rich person crap over there?"

In this thread alone, mothers have been accused of not meeting their children’s needs if they choose to have someone else make them breakfast, OP was called a bad parent multiple times, and you think talking about getting postpartum support at work should be taboo (golf can still be discussed right? Even though it helps no one, harms the environment, and is only for the wealthy?)

So yes, you’re doing plenty of dumping.
I’m sorry you didn’t have support— truly I am sorry; I had a baby in COVID and that baby was cared for exclusively by myself and my husband. But you’re only hurting others and you are helping no one but yourself in whatever gratification you get yelling at new mothers online.

You are exaggerating and taking things out of context. The comment about making breakfast had NOTHING to do with a night nurse or maternal mental health. It was a mom saying that she's so glad she has help on the weekends so she can take her kid sledding while her hired help makes them brunch, and several people pointed out this is eyeroll inducing because the idea that you couldn't prepare a healthy breakfast for your kid and take them sledding without hired help is silly. It actually had nothing to do with OP's complaint.

Where has OP been called a bad parent because she's getting a night nurse. Some people have snarkily said that OP sounds like a bad parent regardless of whether she gets a night nurse, though I think that has to do with the tone of some of OP's comments and has little to do with her hiring help.

The truth is that having hired help for night wake ups is not a realistic goal for most moms, unless you are okay paying the women (and it is ALWAYS women doing this work) slave wages. That's what happens in a lot of countries where this is a common practice -- immigrant women with very few rights are paid poverty wages to do this work. Is that what you wish was more commonplace in the US? And then who do the night nurses hire to help with their babies? Do you see the problem?

Traditional female family members (again it was ALWAYS WOMEN) would help with this -- the child's aunts and grandmother, as well as older sisters and cousins. But this is unpaid labor performed by women -- it is any wonder it stopped?

If you actually care about helping new moms, advocating for "normalizing" night nurses will never help any more than the very wealthiest women, or those who happen to have female family members willing to sacrifice for them. Here's what would actually help: parental leave for both parents that lasts beyond a handful of weeks, proper mental healthcare for new parents and new moms especially so that women who are struggling actually get seen and treated for mental health concerns. A more communal attitude towards families and children in general, so that new parents but especially new moms are given more leeway, particularly in those early months, and not expected to bounce back to normal schedules and obligations despite having just gone through pregnancy, childbirth, and raising an infant.

Night nurses are a solution for a select few wealthy families. It's an end run around this country's piss poor healthcare and mental healthcare "systems" especially for women and children. But it's not a society-level solution. "Night nurses for all" is not a rallying cry because who are these night nurses? Who nurses the night nurses children at night?

And that is why if you have a night nurse, good for you, but don't expect everyone to celebrate your choice and dont' go advertising it anywhere but in settings with other wealthy families. Or accept that if you do, some people are going to be pissy about it. Their judgment is misplaced but honestly, they have bigger problems than the feelings of some rich, privileged woman getting a solid 9 hours a night with a newborn.

Pilot programs exist in New York and I believe another stage which allow women on Medicaid to access Doula services— until recently seen as a luxury. It would not be a significantly greater lift to add four or five postpartum overnight Doula visits or visit by home healthcare aide to that sort of program, which, yes, targets the very poorest.

However, if people like you persist in acting as though only someone born with a silver spoon in their mouth abd Rockefeller last name is going to access the night nurse, and anyone else who does it or encourages others to do do is an insensitive snob, then no it will never gain traction no matter how much evidence there is that it could save lives. You will just fuel the same rhetoric which says that people on foodstamps shouldn’t be allowed to buy steak.

So good job. Make the world a little worse today.

Medicaid in Maryland also pays for doula services but nobody can use them because they pay very, very little.

I agree many of the expectations placed on women these days are dumb and unrealistic. Personally, I did not want to be a SAHM, and being a working parent is a lot. I do think having supportive extended family is a wonderful thing and wish more families had that.

But let's not idealize the past. Yes, families had a lot of kids. That's because they didn't have birth control. Many, many children died in childhood, especially infancy, much more so than now. Grandparents and aunts weren't always available as people died young. Girls didn't get an education and would be caring for their siblings at a young age (and that can still happen today - watch one of the Duggar family documentaries). Women lacked basic legal protections and freedoms and yes, were doing a lot of uncompensated labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is a troll. One post shes still pregnant, the next post she already has a 6 week old. Someones pants are on fire...

OP here. I’m just a very sleep deprived lady. I’m 39 and definitely my mind isn’t what it used to be as an older mom.

You mean a troll? You made this post, but apparently are so sleep deprived you "forgot" you have a 6 week old? Why are you making fake posts on the internet? That bored?

"I’m nearing the end of my second pregnancy and can’t keep up physical or mentally most days with my toddler. We started our toddlers nanny while on maternity leave, and I’m planning on doing the same thing with my second. I’m also looking into hiring a night nurse."

[Anonymous]

https://laurandahippeard.wixsite.com/infantsleepexpert

[Anonymous]

We used Lauranda Hippeard as are night nurse she is absolutely the https://laurandahippeard.wixsite.com/infantsleepexpert