Does hiring childcare make me a bad parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a class signal and your coworker is jealous. Ignore and never share personal information again. They showed their cards being negative to a pregnant woman.

This. Most people would get the extra help but they can’t afford it. You need to keep that to yourself if you don’t want to be judged.

[Anonymous]

OP is a troll. One post shes still pregnant, the next post she already has a 6 week old. Someones pants are on fire...

[Anonymous]

When the children are small, help is great whether paid or not (oh, the lucky ones with grandparents nearby to help).

I would probably get judgy when it is the paid help taking the child to a doctor.
When a child starts to confide feelings or look for authority in outsourced help, that is when the parenting has been abdicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in NYC. Nannies are very common here.
I sense they are less frequently used in the DMV….and the rest of the country.

Night nurse or night nanny is new to me. I have heard it over the past 7 years. In the olden days, we had baby nurses 7x24 while the new mom was recovering. Then the new mom would be on her own, til hiring help to return to work.

Some of us spent the majority of our take home pay on Nannies, figuring it was really part of both parents’ paychecks and an investment in maintaining our long term careers.

Night nurse/newborn nanny is something that I see frequently as I am Chinese-American and it is part of Chinese culture. I have noticed paying for the newborn nanny or night nurse is something that some Chinese grandparents do as a baby gift if they cannot fulfill this role themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m nearing the end of my second pregnancy and can’t keep up physical or mentally most days with my toddler. We started our toddlers nanny while on maternity leave, and I’m planning on doing the same thing with my second. I’m also looking into hiring a night nurse. My co-worker made a very judgy comment about my plans to hire so much help. This isn’t the first time I’ve had judgement comments about this. Am I a bad parent if I prefer to hire childcare?

Why are you a bad parents for spending money improving your kids’ lives while you are tired and need a break? I don’t get it. You are not a robot and your kids will be much happier with a nanny that is full of energy and will chase them around the park than with a tired and very pregnant mom who wishes she could be resting instead. It’s not like you are sending your toddler away for months. You will still spend plenty of time with the

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said you are nearing the end of your second pregnancy but you have a 6 week old? Huh?

OP here. Sorry. Very sleep deprived. I meant nearing the end of my second maternity leave and how hard my second pregnancy was with a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, real question is how much time their dad is spending with them?

OP here. As much as he can. He gets up our toddler in the morning and does the morning stuff with him while I sleep in and care for our newborn. He comes home from work between 5-6 and spends time with my toddler mostly while I tend to the baby or we switch off depending on if the nanny was there that day. Then he will take the baby for a couple of hours after we put our toddler to bed so that I can nap or shower. The weekends are the same. We are both involved and just switch off kids so we both get time with them. My husband spends almost all waking hours outside of work with our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you are nearing the end of your second pregnancy but you have a 6 week old? Huh?

OP here. Sorry. Very sleep deprived. I meant nearing the end of my second maternity leave and how hard my second pregnancy was with a toddler.

And you're at work and hanging out in the break room if you're on maternity leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a troll. One post shes still pregnant, the next post she already has a 6 week old. Someones pants are on fire...

OP here. I’m just a very sleep deprived lady. I’m 39 and definitely my mind isn’t what it used to be as an older mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you are nearing the end of your second pregnancy but you have a 6 week old? Huh?

OP here. Sorry. Very sleep deprived. I meant nearing the end of my second maternity leave and how hard my second pregnancy was with a toddler.

And you're at work and hanging out in the break room if you're on maternity leave?

OP here. No. This happened before I went on maternity leave. I largely have forgot about it but sometimes can’t shake that comment and posted when I felt vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

Well, I am Asian-American and most of us find the standard white American practice of making new mother and father do everything with 0 help extremely odd.

Post-partum mothers have just gone through a physically draining event and they need to be cherished and taken care of, not expected to be “on” all the time. Fathers, too, need time to adjust to working while taking care of a newborn + older siblings who may have complicated feelings about the baby. This is a natural time for grandparents or other family members to step in and make sure everyone gets the rest and attention they need. Unfortunately, not everyone has family who is willing/able to do that, and that’s when you hire help.

OP, I think you need to hang out with more Asian-Americans

[Anonymous]

You’re a better parent if you’ve had enough sleep. There is no job in the world you’re better at doing sleep deprived which is just very basic human biology. So have a night nurse and consider it an investment in being a good parent that you’re happy to make.

And if your coworker brings it up, you look at her with compassion and say “I want better for my baby and toddler than a sleep deprived mother who has fallen victim to a modern and misogynistic view that suggests postpartum mothers de-prioritize their physical needs”

Also, really good night nurses set you up for really good mornings. My sisters brought her breakfast every morning and didn’t leave until she was showered and dressed for the day. Talk to yours about what looks like success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ideal situation is to be married to a rich dude and be a stay at home mom, but that's not the case for most people

Not if SAHP doesn’t want to parent, like OP- then it becomes a burden instead of a joy.

[Anonymous]

Your coworker is a fool. Most people who have the option (either through money or family help) have childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your coworker is envious of all the help you have during a time where she had (or would have) very little help. She's being rude if her judgment is overt or coming out of nowhere.

But if her judgment is more like "wow, that's a lot of help" in a tone of voice that isn't 100% supportive, she's actually not even being rude. That's a sign you need to shut up about all your paid help at work. No one needs to know ALL your business.

OP here. A group of us were talking over lunch about childcare. A co-worker of mine just got back from maternity leave and one is about to go on hers. I was asked what I was doing for childcare and recommendations.

The co-worker who made the tatami happened to join us later in the conversation. She doesn’t have kids.

Why do you care what a non parent coworker thinks?

People are judgy. Most people have family help. I’m Asian American. In our culture, the mother is supposed to rest for the first month. The grandmother often comes to help. If family is unavailable, they hire someone who is kind of a mix of a housekeeper and nanny.

I don’t understand why your nanny can’t help with your newborn. Give the newborn to the nanny and take a nap. Pay her more.

I rehired my old nanny when I had my third even though I stopped working. I didn’t feel judged at all. I had the nanny during the day though. I was able to take my older kids to school and activities. I always did nights.