Does hiring childcare make me a bad parent?

[Anonymous]

Nope. I have an anthropology degree, and whenever people get judgy, I show them studies that hunter-gatherer infants are held by up to 18 different people *per hour*. The natural way of raising babies for humans is for an entire village to raise them, not just 1-2 people. Human babies are TOUGH.

[Anonymous]

OP, do whatever works for you. People would judge you even more for not doing what you wanted to do.
Nobody will remember, talk, or care what you did once the kids are in elementary school. Just be ready for new judgement.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth would you tell your coworker about your plans to hire a night nurse? Why are you talking about how you plan to handle childcare during your maternity leave? The very fact that she knows these details is a sign that you are talking to much about this stuff at work. You are seeking approval from someone you work with regarding something that isn't even her business. And now you are mad she won't give it to you. Why should she??

She's probably thinking about how she'll be picking up your slack at the office while you are on maternity leave and she can't even console herself by thinking "well I'm sure she's exhausted with night wake-ups" or "she probably has way too much on her plate at home with multiple kids including an infant." Instead now when she's covering your work, she'll be thinking about how you slept soundly through the night and are skipping off for a manicure while your nanny takes care of your kids. That's 100% your right and I don't think you're a "bad parent" for having help, but I do think you're kind of a crap colleague and socially tone deaf for thinking these are appropriate things to discuss at work right before going out on leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes you an uninvolved parent. It’s a big into why even have kids.

OP here. I don’t consider my husband or myself an uninvolved parent. We work like almost every other person to support our family. We have ( and had a nanny) come 3 days a week since my first was 8 weeks. It started as a transition before I went back to work. I work part time and spend the rest of my days with my kids. My nanny still comes to take care of our toddler but she doesn’t care for our newborn. I will still be juggling a newborn and a toddler by myself 2 days a week and then on the weekends with my husband. I plan to a hire a night nurse for 1-2 months on the nights I need to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ideal situation is to be married to a rich dude and be a stay at home mom, but that's not the case for most people

OP here. My husband and I aren’t rich but we do well for ourselves. I’ve never wanted to fully give up my career. I married for love and I’m happy with that. My husband and I can teach our kids what real love and a healthy, happy marriage look like. I can’t imagine teaching a kid about a healthy relationship when you married for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me the entire point of parenting is to enjoy time with my kids. I was able to do that while being the primary caregiver, with no other childcare apart from my husband. But if you enjoy time with your kids only if you outsource, then that's fine. The goal is met.

OP here. I spend plenty of time with my kids and enjoy it. I also need a break and caring for a 6 week old and a 22 month old is a lot of work.

I will still spend the day with my newborn but it will be helping having a night nurse when I go back to work at 14 weeks. My toddler gets ample time with both my husband and I when he isn’t in with the nanny.

Why are you assuming your 14 week old won’t be sleeping through the night? I don’t understand having a night nurse at 14 weeks. With a little bit of effort most babies can be good night sleepers by then. If you’re outsourcing everything just spend your money on a sleep coach.

OP here. My toddler didn’t predictably sleep through the night until 6 months. I think 14 weeks is pretty early and most babies are waking up 1-3 times at that age. My 6 week old is up every 1-3 hours still so I don’t have much hope things will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your coworker is envious of all the help you have during a time where she had (or would have) very little help. She's being rude if her judgment is overt or coming out of nowhere.

But if her judgment is more like "wow, that's a lot of help" in a tone of voice that isn't 100% supportive, she's actually not even being rude. That's a sign you need to shut up about all your paid help at work. No one needs to know ALL your business.

OP here. A group of us were talking over lunch about childcare. A co-worker of mine just got back from maternity leave and one is about to go on hers. I was asked what I was doing for childcare and recommendations.

The co-worker who made the tatami happened to join us later in the conversation. She doesn’t have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your coworker about your plans to hire a night nurse? Why are you talking about how you plan to handle childcare during your maternity leave? The very fact that she knows these details is a sign that you are talking to much about this stuff at work. You are seeking approval from someone you work with regarding something that isn't even her business. And now you are mad she won't give it to you. Why should she??

She's probably thinking about how she'll be picking up your slack at the office while you are on maternity leave and she can't even console herself by thinking "well I'm sure she's exhausted with night wake-ups" or "she probably has way too much on her plate at home with multiple kids including an infant." Instead now when she's covering your work, she'll be thinking about how you slept soundly through the night and are skipping off for a manicure while your nanny takes care of your kids. That's 100% your right and I don't think you're a "bad parent" for having help, but I do think you're kind of a crap colleague and socially tone deaf for thinking these are appropriate things to discuss at work right before going out on leave.

OP here. Almost all of us parents with young kids. We regularly discuss our kids. Childcare was brought up because many of our us are in that phase right now. She doesn’t have kids and came in later in the conversation.

She doesn’t do my job at all so no slack to pick up. We have different positions.

My nanny is only here when I’m at work or now when I’m on maternity leave to maintain her employment.

[Anonymous]

I don't talk about childcare at the workplace. There are too many different people with different arrangements--guys with SAHM wives, dual income households with working women who married rich men so they have live in nannies, people who do regular daycare, etc. Someone is always going to get their feathers ruffled.

[Anonymous]

No! Take care of your needs.

—former SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me the entire point of parenting is to enjoy time with my kids. I was able to do that while being the primary caregiver, with no other childcare apart from my husband. But if you enjoy time with your kids only if you outsource, then that's fine. The goal is met.

OP here. I spend plenty of time with my kids and enjoy it. I also need a break and caring for a 6 week old and a 22 month old is a lot of work.

I will still spend the day with my newborn but it will be helping having a night nurse when I go back to work at 14 weeks. My toddler gets ample time with both my husband and I when he isn’t in with the nanny.

I don’t understand. You already have a nanny? Are you planning to have two? Plus a night nurse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your coworker about your plans to hire a night nurse? Why are you talking about how you plan to handle childcare during your maternity leave? The very fact that she knows these details is a sign that you are talking to much about this stuff at work. You are seeking approval from someone you work with regarding something that isn't even her business. And now you are mad she won't give it to you. Why should she??

She's probably thinking about how she'll be picking up your slack at the office while you are on maternity leave and she can't even console herself by thinking "well I'm sure she's exhausted with night wake-ups" or "she probably has way too much on her plate at home with multiple kids including an infant." Instead now when she's covering your work, she'll be thinking about how you slept soundly through the night and are skipping off for a manicure while your nanny takes care of your kids. That's 100% your right and I don't think you're a "bad parent" for having help, but I do think you're kind of a crap colleague and socially tone deaf for thinking these are appropriate things to discuss at work right before going out on leave.

OP here. Almost all of us parents with young kids. We regularly discuss our kids. Childcare was brought up because many of our us are in that phase right now. She doesn’t have kids and came in later in the conversation.

She doesn’t do my job at all so no slack to pick up. We have different positions.

My nanny is only here when I’m at work or now when I’m on maternity leave to maintain her employment.

Well why would you care what someone who doesn't even have kids thinks?

Also I do think you should be learning a lesson here about sharing too much personal info. If childcare comes up, you choose what to share and what not to share. Stop telling people about your night nurse. Maybe if you were in a 1:1 situation with another mom talking explicitly about dealing with sleeplessness with an infant, you share that if you think the info would actually help her. But that's going to be a hot button and you should know that. Most people can't afford one and even among people who can, there are of course people who think parents should do that themselves. It doesn't matter if you agree. You should know it's the sort of thing likely to raise eyebrows. I would never mention that in a group of coworkers.

The stuff about your nanny working through maternity leave is just normal. What is your nanny going to just go without a job for 3-4 months while you're on leave? Of course not. If your kids were in daycare would you pull them from daycare for a few months while you were home? No, it's stupid. You don't need to be defensive about that because you're doing the standard thing.

But if you colleague is judgmental -- who cares? It doesn't affect you. I bet you sometimes judge people randomly for dumb reasons too. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't talk about childcare at the workplace. There are too many different people with different arrangements--guys with SAHM wives, dual income households with working women who married rich men so they have live in nannies, people who do regular daycare, etc. Someone is always going to get their feathers ruffled.

This. People have very different resources. Unless someone is asking specifically for recommendations or advice (like recs for a daycare near the office, or finding out what nanny service people have used) then share what you know. But sitting around comparing situations is going to bug some people.

I get privately annoyed whenever someone goes on and on about how their mom or MIL takes care of their baby because that's not an option for me. I don't judge them, I just don't want to hear about it. It's like bragging about being tall -- good for you but there is nothing I can do about not being tall so I kindly request you shut the **** up about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me the entire point of parenting is to enjoy time with my kids. I was able to do that while being the primary caregiver, with no other childcare apart from my husband. But if you enjoy time with your kids only if you outsource, then that's fine. The goal is met.

OP here. I spend plenty of time with my kids and enjoy it. I also need a break and caring for a 6 week old and a 22 month old is a lot of work.

I will still spend the day with my newborn but it will be helping having a night nurse when I go back to work at 14 weeks. My toddler gets ample time with both my husband and I when he isn’t in with the nanny.

I don’t understand. You already have a nanny? Are you planning to have two? Plus a night nurse?

OP here. I said we had a nanny with our first and I’m starting that way with our second. We have the nanny watching both kids versus daycare.

[Anonymous]

I have a nanny for my older kids (I work full time) and a night nurse for a newborn. If you can afford the help, do it.