Does hiring childcare make me a bad parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I am Asian-American and most of us find the standard white American practice of making new mother and father do everything with 0 help extremely odd.

Post-partum mothers have just gone through a physically draining event and they need to be cherished and taken care of, not expected to be “on” all the time. Fathers, too, need time to adjust to working while taking care of a newborn + older siblings who may have complicated feelings about the baby. This is a natural time for grandparents or other family members to step in and make sure everyone gets the rest and attention they need. Unfortunately, not everyone has family who is willing/able to do that, and that’s when you hire help.

OP, I think you need to hang out with more Asian-Americans

I am the chinese-american poster above and I agree. We do not do baby showers typically before birth and there is no emphasis on all the silly "stuff" people give here for babies. Instead, the focus is on caring for the mom and helping with the actual care of the child so mom can recover. Families will step in to care for the mom/baby, or if they cannot do it, I have seen modern Chinese families get together to pay for a high-quality Chinese night nurse who also helps care for the mom or an infant nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m nearing the end of my second pregnancy and can’t keep up physical or mentally most days with my toddler. We started our toddlers nanny while on maternity leave, and I’m planning on doing the same thing with my second. I’m also looking into hiring a night nurse. My co-worker made a very judgy comment about my plans to hire so much help. This isn’t the first time I’ve had judgement comments about this. Am I a bad parent if I prefer to hire childcare?

File a discrimination complaint.

[Anonymous]

Being a bad parent is why you need help. It doesn't make you a bad parent.

[Anonymous]

It is fine to have help but gauche to brag about it, especially when most cannot afford it.

[Anonymous]

If you need extra help around the clock, then you need the help. Since you can afford it, better to pay for it and have it then for your kids to be neglected or poorly cared for.

But don’t talk about it at work. It doesn’t make you look great as a parent (that you need 3 adults for 2 kids) and it sounds bright about money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m nearing the end of my second pregnancy and can’t keep up physical or mentally most days with my toddler. We started our toddlers nanny while on maternity leave, and I’m planning on doing the same thing with my second. I’m also looking into hiring a night nurse. My co-worker made a very judgy comment about my plans to hire so much help. This isn’t the first time I’ve had judgement comments about this. Am I a bad parent if I prefer to hire childcare?

Tell your co-worker to stuff it. She/he isn't living your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you need extra help around the clock, then you need the help. Since you can afford it, better to pay for it and have it then for your kids to be neglected or poorly cared for.

But don’t talk about it at work. It doesn’t make you look great as a parent (that you need 3 adults for 2 kids) and it sounds bright about money.

Yes, I would avoid talking about it at work. It sounds like she would have 4 adults caring for 2 children.

I’m from nyc and had a very demanding job. It was common for working moms to have 2 nannies since one nanny couldn’t cover all the hours. I remember being at a women’s conference and a super successful woman went on about how important it was to have a good nanny and the nanny was her most important person. She actually said she had 3 nannies. I didn’t envy her at all. I remember making a mental note that is not what I wanted when I had kids one day.

I had a neighbor who had multiple kids and had 6 nannies. She had 2 Nannie’s working at a time. Again, I wondered why they even had kids to completely outsource out parenting.

Op, it is fine to pay for help but I wouldn’t broadcast it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you need extra help around the clock, then you need the help. Since you can afford it, better to pay for it and have it then for your kids to be neglected or poorly cared for.

But don’t talk about it at work. It doesn’t make you look great as a parent (that you need 3 adults for 2 kids) and it sounds bright about money.

Frankly, the parents I know who feel proud that they “do it all themselves” have really low standards. Lots of screens, lots of convenience and processed foods for themselves and their children, lots of meltdowns and fights bc of lack of rest or exercise, no time for the frills of life like hosting and entertaining, planning outings.

I’d rather live a nicer life with some help, thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need extra help around the clock, then you need the help. Since you can afford it, better to pay for it and have it then for your kids to be neglected or poorly cared for.

But don’t talk about it at work. It doesn’t make you look great as a parent (that you need 3 adults for 2 kids) and it sounds bright about money.

Frankly, the parents I know who feel proud that they “do it all themselves” have really low standards. Lots of screens, lots of convenience and processed foods for themselves and their children, lots of meltdowns and fights bc of lack of rest or exercise, no time for the frills of life like hosting and entertaining, planning outings.

I’d rather live a nicer life with some help, thanks!

I’m pretty sure everyone I know has paid help. I think where people may judge is having both a nanny AND a night nurse plus two parents. Then it seems like the mom isn’t with the children. What they won’t know is that the nanny is only with the toddler? I would hire the help I need and not go into details.

My boss had a night nurse. He hired her so he wouldn’t have to wake up to help his wife. He said the night nurse got paid for a full shift to take care of baby for an hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you need extra help around the clock, then you need the help. Since you can afford it, better to pay for it and have it then for your kids to be neglected or poorly cared for.

But don’t talk about it at work. It doesn’t make you look great as a parent (that you need 3 adults for 2 kids) and it sounds bright about money.

I disagree. It makes her sound like a parent who is putting their resources to their kids instead of a new car or whatever else.

There aren’t extra points for drudgery and I think it’s ridiculous that people act as though there are. I just got in from sledding with my kid, the babysitter made a big healthy brunch, and now I’ll eat it with my kid. If I want to go sledding (which I do) and I want her to eat better than cheerios (which I do) I can either outsource or wake up earlier to pre-make brunch. It’s not better parenting to be tired on a Sunday morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need extra help around the clock, then you need the help. Since you can afford it, better to pay for it and have it then for your kids to be neglected or poorly cared for.

But don’t talk about it at work. It doesn’t make you look great as a parent (that you need 3 adults for 2 kids) and it sounds bright about money.

I disagree. It makes her sound like a parent who is putting their resources to their kids instead of a new car or whatever else.

There aren’t extra points for drudgery and I think it’s ridiculous that people act as though there are. I just got in from sledding with my kid, the babysitter made a big healthy brunch, and now I’ll eat it with my kid. If I want to go sledding (which I do) and I want her to eat better than cheerios (which I do) I can either outsource or wake up earlier to pre-make brunch. It’s not better parenting to be tired on a Sunday morning.

That’s fine. If you aren’t able to make your child breakfast and do an activity on a weekend and you have the money, then definitely hire help. As I said, your child needs to be cared for. And if in your house you would only be able to do either a meal or an activity, then you need more adults to meet your child’s basic needs. But it doesn’t make you look good so don’t talk about it at work. The vast majority of parents can and do feed their kids and do activities on weekends. Even on this thread, your perspective that it would be too exhausting for a parent to both give their child breakfast and go sledding isn’t one that many can relate to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need extra help around the clock, then you need the help. Since you can afford it, better to pay for it and have it then for your kids to be neglected or poorly cared for.

But don’t talk about it at work. It doesn’t make you look great as a parent (that you need 3 adults for 2 kids) and it sounds bright about money.

Frankly, the parents I know who feel proud that they “do it all themselves” have really low standards. Lots of screens, lots of convenience and processed foods for themselves and their children, lots of meltdowns and fights bc of lack of rest or exercise, no time for the frills of life like hosting and entertaining, planning outings.

I’d rather live a nicer life with some help, thanks!

I doubt you know many parents who do it themselves. People with large household staffs around the clock don’t mix with those who do it themselves. Your view that two parents (or even one parent) can’t raise happy healthy kids further proves how out of touch you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need extra help around the clock, then you need the help. Since you can afford it, better to pay for it and have it then for your kids to be neglected or poorly cared for.

But don’t talk about it at work. It doesn’t make you look great as a parent (that you need 3 adults for 2 kids) and it sounds bright about money.

I disagree. It makes her sound like a parent who is putting their resources to their kids instead of a new car or whatever else.

There aren’t extra points for drudgery and I think it’s ridiculous that people act as though there are. I just got in from sledding with my kid, the babysitter made a big healthy brunch, and now I’ll eat it with my kid. If I want to go sledding (which I do) and I want her to eat better than cheerios (which I do) I can either outsource or wake up earlier to pre-make brunch. It’s not better parenting to be tired on a Sunday morning.

That’s fine. If you aren’t able to make your child breakfast and do an activity on a weekend and you have the money, then definitely hire help. As I said, your child needs to be cared for. And if in your house you would only be able to do either a meal or an activity, then you need more adults to meet your child’s basic needs. But it doesn’t make you look good so don’t talk about it at work. The vast majority of parents can and do feed their kids and do activities on weekends. Even on this thread, your perspective that it would be too exhausting for a parent to both give their child breakfast and go sledding isn’t one that many can relate to.

Maybe if you got more sleep you would have better reading acuity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need extra help around the clock, then you need the help. Since you can afford it, better to pay for it and have it then for your kids to be neglected or poorly cared for.

But don’t talk about it at work. It doesn’t make you look great as a parent (that you need 3 adults for 2 kids) and it sounds bright about money.

I disagree. It makes her sound like a parent who is putting their resources to their kids instead of a new car or whatever else.

There aren’t extra points for drudgery and I think it’s ridiculous that people act as though there are. I just got in from sledding with my kid, the babysitter made a big healthy brunch, and now I’ll eat it with my kid. If I want to go sledding (which I do) and I want her to eat better than cheerios (which I do) I can either outsource or wake up earlier to pre-make brunch. It’s not better parenting to be tired on a Sunday morning.

That’s fine. If you aren’t able to make your child breakfast and do an activity on a weekend and you have the money, then definitely hire help. As I said, your child needs to be cared for. And if in your house you would only be able to do either a meal or an activity, then you need more adults to meet your child’s basic needs. But it doesn’t make you look good so don’t talk about it at work. The vast majority of parents can and do feed their kids and do activities on weekends. Even on this thread, your perspective that it would be too exhausting for a parent to both give their child breakfast and go sledding isn’t one that many can relate to.

Yeah, I’m the Asian American who likes having plenty of help and that example was OTT even to me. I don’t need a weekend babysitter to prepare a quiche while I go sledding. I’m perfectly capable of making a simple and healthy breakfast myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need extra help around the clock, then you need the help. Since you can afford it, better to pay for it and have it then for your kids to be neglected or poorly cared for.

But don’t talk about it at work. It doesn’t make you look great as a parent (that you need 3 adults for 2 kids) and it sounds bright about money.

Frankly, the parents I know who feel proud that they “do it all themselves” have really low standards. Lots of screens, lots of convenience and processed foods for themselves and their children, lots of meltdowns and fights bc of lack of rest or exercise, no time for the frills of life like hosting and entertaining, planning outings.

I’d rather live a nicer life with some help, thanks!

OP here. Most people have childcare because they work.

I don’t know about others but my child doesn’t get screen time almost at all. Maybe 1-2 times a week. He’s never watched videos on the phone or an iPad.

My son is well behaved but he requires a lot of attention because he is very active. His nanny takes him to various activities and is on the floor playing with him.

We all cook him very healthy foods. He doesn’t eat junk food or ultra processed foods very much.