Is it cruel to lock my toddler in a dark closet for a couple of minutes?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to say "yes" without reading your post. Nothing justifies that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Sounds like he found himself a really fun activity - argue with mommy about pooping! Why do you engage in this??

Because generally we’re encouraged to talk and have conversations with our kids? I don’t mention this to show how “advanced “ he is, but to show he understands what he’s supposed or not supposed to do but ignores it. And we don’t praise him for the endless questions /use of conversation to dawdle, but obviously we want him to like talking to us and feel comfortable asking questions ?

So then this is a deliberate parenting strategy/ to encourage conversation and asking questions. So what’s the problem? It’s fine if that’s what you want to do. But you say he isn’t obedient and cooperative and he stalls, etc with these questions. So is it a problem or isn’t it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Look, talking = incentivizing.

Right now, it doesn't matter if he lists "comical" things, or has a long involved conversation with your husband, or any of that. This isn't about finding him cute, or showing how advanced he is to the readers, or about delving into how much you adore him by going on and on about it. (It's okay to adore him! He's your little man, and you love him! But this is not the time to indulge in those feelings.)

Every time you post about the conversations you have when he is misbehaving, you are emphasizing how much you are going in the wrong direction. You can prepare for transitions with him, you can talk about how to do things once it is over and everyone is out of the situation, but in the moment? All this talking is like saying "He's so dirty after playing outside, and I keep throwing mud on him, and this time it's liquid mud, and oh sometimes it's peat moss, and sometimes his dad dumps a bunch of sand on him and whhhhyyy is he so diiirrrrty all the time?"

Stop the conversations when things are in a critical point.

So just silent treatment? Granted, we have not tried this before.

I say this gently, but I think your inability to read what is actually written is indicative of why you are having problems. No, that is not what I wrote. Once again,

Anonymous wrote:Right now, it doesn't matter if he lists "comical" things, or has a long involved conversation with your husband, or any of that. This isn't about finding him cute, or showing how advanced he is to the readers, or about delving into how much you adore him by going on and on about it. (It's okay to adore him! He's your little man, and you love him! But this is not the time to indulge in those feelings.)

Every time you post about the conversations you have when he is misbehaving, you are emphasizing how much you are going in the wrong direction. You can prepare for transitions with him, you can talk about how to do things once it is over and everyone is out of the situation, but in the moment? All this talking is like saying "He's so dirty after playing outside, and I keep throwing mud on him, and this time it's liquid mud, and oh sometimes it's peat moss, and sometimes his dad dumps a bunch of sand on him and whhhhyyy is he so diiirrrrty all the time?"

Stop the conversations when things are in a critical point.

And also:

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

If he needs to be doing something else, then he needs to be doing that. If talking seems not to be helping, or even making it worse, then why act as if not talking is some kind of cruel punishment? You are the one talking about locking him in a dark room. Maybe try something more normal first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Look, talking = incentivizing.

Right now, it doesn't matter if he lists "comical" things, or has a long involved conversation with your husband, or any of that. This isn't about finding him cute, or showing how advanced he is to the readers, or about delving into how much you adore him by going on and on about it. (It's okay to adore him! He's your little man, and you love him! But this is not the time to indulge in those feelings.)

Every time you post about the conversations you have when he is misbehaving, you are emphasizing how much you are going in the wrong direction. You can prepare for transitions with him, you can talk about how to do things once it is over and everyone is out of the situation, but in the moment? All this talking is like saying "He's so dirty after playing outside, and I keep throwing mud on him, and this time it's liquid mud, and oh sometimes it's peat moss, and sometimes his dad dumps a bunch of sand on him and whhhhyyy is he so diiirrrrty all the time?"

Stop the conversations when things are in a critical point.

So just silent treatment? Granted, we have not tried this before.

Are you like this at work? Why are you so petulant? you’re saying your strategies don’t work, and people are saying to change your strategies, and you just want to whine. Do you want someone to tell you your two year old is the problem? He’s not.

You just say “yeah, you don’t want to poop on the potty” in a light tone and you move the f$& on with your day. You’re not potty training today. So you don’t need to talk to him.

Do you know what he’s definitely not going to say? “I’m sorry for torturing you mommy, I should have been a lot more reasonable about pooping on the potty.” So stop seeking that. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Look, talking = incentivizing.

Right now, it doesn't matter if he lists "comical" things, or has a long involved conversation with your husband, or any of that. This isn't about finding him cute, or showing how advanced he is to the readers, or about delving into how much you adore him by going on and on about it. (It's okay to adore him! He's your little man, and you love him! But this is not the time to indulge in those feelings.)

Every time you post about the conversations you have when he is misbehaving, you are emphasizing how much you are going in the wrong direction. You can prepare for transitions with him, you can talk about how to do things once it is over and everyone is out of the situation, but in the moment? All this talking is like saying "He's so dirty after playing outside, and I keep throwing mud on him, and this time it's liquid mud, and oh sometimes it's peat moss, and sometimes his dad dumps a bunch of sand on him and whhhhyyy is he so diiirrrrty all the time?"

Stop the conversations when things are in a critical point.

So just silent treatment? Granted, we have not tried this before.

No, just be more boring and repetitive in responses/commands.

[Anonymous]

Timeout should be a chair or step in the room where they can see you but don’t get to interact, play. This is how it will be when he goes to school. You should probably get an eval though get a rec for a therapist from your pediatrician.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Look, talking = incentivizing.

Right now, it doesn't matter if he lists "comical" things, or has a long involved conversation with your husband, or any of that. This isn't about finding him cute, or showing how advanced he is to the readers, or about delving into how much you adore him by going on and on about it. (It's okay to adore him! He's your little man, and you love him! But this is not the time to indulge in those feelings.)

Every time you post about the conversations you have when he is misbehaving, you are emphasizing how much you are going in the wrong direction. You can prepare for transitions with him, you can talk about how to do things once it is over and everyone is out of the situation, but in the moment? All this talking is like saying "He's so dirty after playing outside, and I keep throwing mud on him, and this time it's liquid mud, and oh sometimes it's peat moss, and sometimes his dad dumps a bunch of sand on him and whhhhyyy is he so diiirrrrty all the time?"

Stop the conversations when things are in a critical point.

So just silent treatment? Granted, we have not tried this before.

No, just be more boring and repetitive in responses/commands.

This. THIS. It's not about finding anyone charming, and it can't be about that. It's also not about "the silent treatment," or publishing him. It's just -- and solely -- about tomorrow the incentive (parental attention) in that moment. In that moment -- not more.

[Anonymous]

**punishing him

But publishing is certainly ironic! : lol:

[Anonymous]

Also, "removing" not "tomorrow"

Going to stop talking now, as I can't type through autocorrect. OP, best wishes. He sounds really cute. You can do this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2.5 DS is driving us crazy over the long holiday break. Constantly boundary testing and fighting everything (getting dressed, diaper changes, stopping destructive behavior). He's verbal enough that we know he understands what he's doing is wrong/not allowed, but he's just keeps at it to get a reaction out of us. DH threatened timeout and the following conversation ensues:

DS: What is timeout dada?
DH: we lock you in your room for 5 minutes and you're not going to like it.
DS: can I be loud in my room?
DH: .....yes..
DS: can i be really loud?
DH: yes
DS: I go to timeout!

DH suggested locking him in a closet so it's dark and he's scared (for a few minutes) so he's actually incentivized to avoid it as a punishment. Thoughts?

Please do not do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and before anyone comes at me for abuse - DS is extremely well loved and secure toddler. Our frustration is he is perhaps too confident and knows he can walk all over us. We do try replacement behavior, redirecting, the usual parenting suggestions, but often it does not work. Here's another example of something that happens nightly. DS starts banging on the table during mealtime or throwing food. We take away his plate.

DS: I want my food back!
DH: Why did dada take ita way?
DS: Because I hit the table
DH: Are you going to stop if I give it back to you?
DS: Yes.
We give it back. 2 minutes later destructive behavior returns.
DH: Dinner is over (takes away his plate, removes him from table)
DS: I want my food!
DH: Why did I take it away?
DS: Because I be mean.

*repeats*

In this interaction, you are supposed to stop at step 3. Take the plate away, do not give it back immediately. You can try again in 30 minutes, but not right away. There's no consequence if you give it back immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Look, talking = incentivizing.

Right now, it doesn't matter if he lists "comical" things, or has a long involved conversation with your husband, or any of that. This isn't about finding him cute, or showing how advanced he is to the readers, or about delving into how much you adore him by going on and on about it. (It's okay to adore him! He's your little man, and you love him! But this is not the time to indulge in those feelings.)

Every time you post about the conversations you have when he is misbehaving, you are emphasizing how much you are going in the wrong direction. You can prepare for transitions with him, you can talk about how to do things once it is over and everyone is out of the situation, but in the moment? All this talking is like saying "He's so dirty after playing outside, and I keep throwing mud on him, and this time it's liquid mud, and oh sometimes it's peat moss, and sometimes his dad dumps a bunch of sand on him and whhhhyyy is he so diiirrrrty all the time?"

Stop the conversations when things are in a critical point.

So just silent treatment? Granted, we have not tried this before.

Are you like this at work? Why are you so petulant? you’re saying your strategies don’t work, and people are saying to change your strategies, and you just want to whine. Do you want someone to tell you your two year old is the problem? He’s not.

You just say “yeah, you don’t want to poop on the potty” in a light tone and you move the f$& on with your day. You’re not potty training today. So you don’t need to talk to him.

Do you know what he’s definitely not going to say? “I’m sorry for torturing you mommy, I should have been a lot more reasonable about pooping on the potty.” So stop seeking that. Get over it.

It’s really very simple to deal with a toddler, but you have to understand their developmental stage and the psychology behind why they act how they do. That’s why reading a book or taking a class is the only thing that will help op, as op actually needs to understand their child better so they can respond more effectively in the moment. The tools/prompts/strategies are only a small part of the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and before anyone comes at me for abuse - DS is extremely well loved and secure toddler. Our frustration is he is perhaps too confident and knows he can walk all over us. We do try replacement behavior, redirecting, the usual parenting suggestions, but often it does not work. Here's another example of something that happens nightly. DS starts banging on the table during mealtime or throwing food. We take away his plate.

DS: I want my food back!
DH: Why did dada take ita way?
DS: Because I hit the table
DH: Are you going to stop if I give it back to you?
DS: Yes.
We give it back. 2 minutes later destructive behavior returns.
DH: Dinner is over (takes away his plate, removes him from table)
DS: I want my food!
DH: Why did I take it away?
DS: Because I be mean.

*repeats*

In this interaction, you are supposed to stop at step 3. Take the plate away, do not give it back immediately. You can try again in 30 minutes, but not right away. There's no consequence if you give it back immediately.

OP there’s some good advice here. toddlers who are verbally advanced and smart can be its own kind challenge. I think you are mistaking his verbal abilities with his cognitive/self regulation abilities, and you are letting him get away with misbehavior just because he can talk about it, or express understanding of it in the moment. I agree with the Pp that in the mealtime example, even if he says he understands why the food was taken away, he should not get a second chance to eat. By giving it back you’re letting him know that if he says the right things, he can misbehave and still have his dinner - ie no consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Look, talking = incentivizing.

Right now, it doesn't matter if he lists "comical" things, or has a long involved conversation with your husband, or any of that. This isn't about finding him cute, or showing how advanced he is to the readers, or about delving into how much you adore him by going on and on about it. (It's okay to adore him! He's your little man, and you love him! But this is not the time to indulge in those feelings.)

Every time you post about the conversations you have when he is misbehaving, you are emphasizing how much you are going in the wrong direction. You can prepare for transitions with him, you can talk about how to do things once it is over and everyone is out of the situation, but in the moment? All this talking is like saying "He's so dirty after playing outside, and I keep throwing mud on him, and this time it's liquid mud, and oh sometimes it's peat moss, and sometimes his dad dumps a bunch of sand on him and whhhhyyy is he so diiirrrrty all the time?"

Stop the conversations when things are in a critical point.

So just silent treatment? Granted, we have not tried this before.

Are you like this at work? Why are you so petulant? you’re saying your strategies don’t work, and people are saying to change your strategies, and you just want to whine. Do you want someone to tell you your two year old is the problem? He’s not.

You just say “yeah, you don’t want to poop on the potty” in a light tone and you move the f$& on with your day. You’re not potty training today. So you don’t need to talk to him.

Do you know what he’s definitely not going to say? “I’m sorry for torturing you mommy, I should have been a lot more reasonable about pooping on the potty.” So stop seeking that. Get over it.

I don’t think OP is petulant. She’s confused why her kid seems to understand what he’s supposed to do and not do but refuses to do it. I’ve been in the same position with poop vs pee and it just took time. Nothing else helped. And it’s perfectly normal to ask “why did you do [insert bad behavior]” as a way of communicating with your kid and understanding their behavior, but I think she’s expecting her 2.5 yer old to be “logical” and rational in action just because he can answer “why” in conversation. But there is a disconnect there and OP needs to be more focused on using her actions , not words, to deliver consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Sounds like he found himself a really fun activity - argue with mommy about pooping! Why do you engage in this??

Because generally we’re encouraged to talk and have conversations with our kids? I don’t mention this to show how “advanced “ he is, but to show he understands what he’s supposed or not supposed to do but ignores it. And we don’t praise him for the endless questions /use of conversation to dawdle, but obviously we want him to like talking to us and feel comfortable asking questions ?

So then this is a deliberate parenting strategy/ to encourage conversation and asking questions. So what’s the problem? It’s fine if that’s what you want to do. But you say he isn’t obedient and cooperative and he stalls, etc with these questions. So is it a problem or isn’t it?

DD was like this and sometimes it drove me mad, especially between 3-4. I get it OP. It’s not as easy as one might think to draw the line between trying to engage in a productive way - explaining the whys of a negative consequence, why we shouldn’t do something - and letting your child stall with question. Your son is too young right now but at some point when DD was closer to 4 I had to introduce the concept of “there is no why/this is not open to discussion” and just move on with stopping the behaviors.