Is it cruel to lock my toddler in a dark closet for a couple of minutes?

Anonymous
My immigrant exDH is a loving, affectionate hands on dad but he used to do this to our kids when they were being oppositional toddlers because he never learned healthier more functional ways to handle it. People claiming it’s abuse are being completely ridiculous, but it’s really not good parenting. Kids are 8 and 10 now, and while they have a generally great relationship with him they absolutely remember it, still sometimes bring it up and talk about how scary it was. He has apologized to them multiple times and wouldn’t do it again if he got a do over
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP: We are doing parent child interaction training for a child with ADHD and before the child learns to sit quietly on a chair in time-out, he gets put into a bathroom with the door closed (not dark of course). If he tries to get out, he stays longer in the bathroom. This is all under therapist guidance and so far, we have had to do it 5-6 times. The therapist assured us that a bit of "fear" of consequence that is not liked by the child is actually good b/c you want them to not like the consequence. Once he learns to sit on a chair quietly, then he no longer goes to the bathroom.


thank you. this is helpful. This is what i want to know more about. How you can SAFELY discipline a kid this age and use actually negative consequences (things they "fear" or really want to avoid) to encourage better behavior.


how long do you have the child sit in the bathroom? does your kid cry while he/she is in the bathroom?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:2.5 DS is driving us crazy over the long holiday break. Constantly boundary testing and fighting everything (getting dressed, diaper changes, stopping destructive behavior). He's verbal enough that we know he understands what he's doing is wrong/not allowed, but he's just keeps at it to get a reaction out of us. DH threatened timeout and the following conversation ensues:

DS: What is timeout dada?
DH: we lock you in your room for 5 minutes and you're not going to like it.
DS: can I be loud in my room?
DH: .....yes..
DS: can i be really loud?
DH: yes
DS: I go to timeout!

DH suggested locking him in a closet so it's dark and he's scared (for a few minutes) so he's actually incentivized to avoid it as a punishment. Thoughts?


Good God...no! Obviously.

Tell him he has to sit quietly in his room or put him in a specific place where you can see him.
Anonymous
Another parent interested in effective methods of discipline here. The usual suggestions don't work with every kids and I wish there were more parenting tips beyond the redirection, do not engage, positive encouragement etc. My parent friend group is mostly Americans who would balk at the idea of timeout, but when I have spent time around them and their children what I see is they basically put up with bad or at least very annoying behavior and let their toddlers/kids "walk all over them" like OP is describing. They don't seem happy about it, it's exhausting. But god forbid we talk about discipline and punishment.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If he has a tablet, randomly take it away and say "I be mean". Then have a discussion about the wisdom and ethics of being arbitrarily mean.

Sounds like this kid is ready for a two-way discussion about how life works.

As a kid, I was sent to my room as a punishment. It was someplace I liked to be. So it wasn't traumatic. And I got the point that I was being shunned. That was enough punishment.


I haven't thought of that before, I might give that a try, thanks! If anything it would be an interesting experiment to see if he can understand the situation. He certain can connect bad behavior (hitting, throwing, tantrums around things like getting dressed/transitions) with the phrase "I be mean." When we ask him "Why are you being mean?" he will usually giggle and say something circular like "Because i be not nice." So he's not getting the part where one should NOT be mean.


Humans need to learn empathy and face consequences to understand why they can't do whatever they want. It is a process with smart toddlers.

They don't have a lot of empathy at the toddler age. It's normal. They have to learn it.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP, my parenting style leans to the authoritative side a bit and even I would never consider locking my child in a dark closet or room.
Please do not do this. It is abusive.

I had to lock my child in his room several times between the ages of 2-4 because his explosive meltdowns were really intense. I had to do this so that I would not hit my child. We are super close and have a loving supportive relationship now that he’s a teen. He also ended up having ADHD fwiw.
Anonymous
You don't need to punish him. Punishing is the wrong focus.
If he throws food, plate goes away. Natural consequence. If he hits, you both need a break which means he needs to be in his room: he can be loud there, that hurts nothing. Follow up with a normal pleasant interaction, because you've had your break and are ready to try again. Yes it's repetitive, because he's 2. This phase passes.

BTW, it sounds like he needs more exercise and attention. Take the kid to the park, cone home and read a story.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Another parent interested in effective methods of discipline here. The usual suggestions don't work with every kids and I wish there were more parenting tips beyond the redirection, do not engage, positive encouragement etc. My parent friend group is mostly Americans who would balk at the idea of timeout, but when I have spent time around them and their children what I see is they basically put up with bad or at least very annoying behavior and let their toddlers/kids "walk all over them" like OP is describing. They don't seem happy about it, it's exhausting. But god forbid we talk about discipline and punishment.


They don't work as you don't stick with them. Do nanny style time outs. Every time they get up you put them back and start all over. It may take all day.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:You don't need to punish him. Punishing is the wrong focus.
If he throws food, plate goes away. Natural consequence. If he hits, you both need a break which means he needs to be in his room: he can be loud there, that hurts nothing. Follow up with a normal pleasant interaction, because you've had your break and are ready to try again. Yes it's repetitive, because he's 2. This phase passes.

BTW, it sounds like he needs more exercise and attention. Take the kid to the park, cone home and read a story.


NO, if he hits there needs to be a stern talking to and a time out with apology.
Anonymous
Look up The Happiest Toddler on the Block on Amazon. Great advice on how to communicate on a cave-person level with the cave-person a toddler is.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:You don't need to punish him. Punishing is the wrong focus.
If he throws food, plate goes away. Natural consequence. If he hits, you both need a break which means he needs to be in his room: he can be loud there, that hurts nothing. Follow up with a normal pleasant interaction, because you've had your break and are ready to try again. Yes it's repetitive, because he's 2. This phase passes.

BTW, it sounds like he needs more exercise and attention. Take the kid to the park, cone home and read a story.


He gets SO MUCH exercise and attention. We go outside to parks everyday, even when it's cold. When it's absolutely impossible I take him to indoor playgrounds and run him around. He gets read to for over 1-2 hours a day (because he loves it and we rarely say no when he asks for reading). Pre-school teachers say he is well behaved at school - does engage in boundary testing behavior when he is bored but he actually listens to the teachers when asked to stop.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:2.5 DS is driving us crazy over the long holiday break. Constantly boundary testing and fighting everything (getting dressed, diaper changes, stopping destructive behavior). He's verbal enough that we know he understands what he's doing is wrong/not allowed, but he's just keeps at it to get a reaction out of us. DH threatened timeout and the following conversation ensues:

DS: What is timeout dada?
DH: we lock you in your room for 5 minutes and you're not going to like it.
DS: can I be loud in my room?
DH: .....yes..
DS: can i be really loud?
DH: yes
DS: I go to timeout!

DH suggested locking him in a closet so it's dark and he's scared (for a few minutes) so he's actually incentivized to avoid it as a punishment. Thoughts?


😳
Anonymous
Go read All Summer In a Day and try not to be traumatized
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Another parent interested in effective methods of discipline here. The usual suggestions don't work with every kids and I wish there were more parenting tips beyond the redirection, do not engage, positive encouragement etc. My parent friend group is mostly Americans who would balk at the idea of timeout, but when I have spent time around them and their children what I see is they basically put up with bad or at least very annoying behavior and let their toddlers/kids "walk all over them" like OP is describing. They don't seem happy about it, it's exhausting. But god forbid we talk about discipline and punishment.


They don't work as you don't stick with them. Do nanny style time outs. Every time they get up you put them back and start all over. It may take all day.


what is a nanny style time out?
Anonymous
You and he both need to read some books and/or take a class. A book like No Bad Kids can be read in one afternoon. Just do that to get going.

Most toddler misbehavior is attributable to either not having had enough physical activity or being hungry or tired, off schedule, etc.
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