Is it cruel to lock my toddler in a dark closet for a couple of minutes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and he both need to read some books and/or take a class. A book like No Bad Kids can be read in one afternoon. Just do that to get going.

Most toddler misbehavior is attributable to either not having had enough physical activity or being hungry or tired, off schedule, etc.

is this really true?? if so I have a defective kid. Most days, barring interruptions to our daily routine, he is well-fed (healthy and well-balanced), very well exercised, well-slept (he sleeps 11 hours at night, 2 hour naps most days), and very well-engaged between preschool and home. But the misbehavior is constant.

Really constant? Or are you exaggerating? Constant misbehavior is not developmentally typical and there is probably an issue. But occasional misbeahvior sprinkled throughout the day is developmentally normal because they are still learning how to behave and do not have good impulse control. Your job is to correct, impose reasonable natural ckmseiquences for behavior and keep your cool.

Sure, not every minute we're around him. But every transition. Every time he has to get dressed or get a diaper change. Every meal time. Almost every time he's going in and out of car seats. Etc.

You really need to read some parenting books or take a PeP class. There are ways to deal with this — no magic bullets but things that will gradually help. The two biggest are warnings and choice. Eg—in 3 minutes, we will need to put down the toys and get dressed. In two minutes, we will need to get dressed. In one minute, we will need to get dressed. Okay. It’s just about time to get dressed — do you want the blue shirt or the red shirt today? Do you want to put Teddy on the bed or on leave him on the floor? (This won’t work exactly but that’s the idea. For them, each transition is surprising. And wildly disruptive to their internal life.

This is something we do already for any type of transitions. He has plenty of heads up and gradual time warnings. He gets choices like which clothes, do you want mama or dada to change your diaper. It rarely makes anything better because he will just bog us down with questions. “5 more minutes until we need to get dressed for school” - “why 5 minutes? How about TEN minutes!” Or “i run away” or some chain of comical responses or questions. We proceed with the timed countdown and when it comes time to get him dressed - still big struggle. Or he says “ I want mama to change diaper.” When I proceed to do it, he flips and asks for dada or runs away again while very clearly telling me he knows he’s not supposed to be doing it “I be bad!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

Your discipline book of choice is going to cover this. 123 magic will be a little different than parenting with love and logic.

Getting dressed and out the door is hard for everyone. My top moves as a “logical consequences” person are:

1) try to have extra time as much as possible. Being in a rush is a position of weakness. It will happen, but try to minimize it especially while you’re trying to get things on track behavior-wise.

2) absolutely do not engage in any negotiation or pleading about getting dressed. Ever. If I have extra time, I might say “I’m going to go make your lunch and come back when you’re ready to get dressed” if that is true. Or I might say “I’m here to help you get dressed now, but I will not help you after one minute.”

then you just put them in the car in their Jammies or whatever. That’s the natural consequence. Being late to whatever it is because they have to change in the car, or having to walk into school in their Jammies and change in the bathroom. Unless that pleases them.


If it pleases them, I might go to needing more time so getting up earlier, or skipping a fun part of the morning, to get more “chances” to get dressed where you offer it and if they refuse, you go do something else not involving them.


Whatever you do it’s probably going to suck a few times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

[Anonymous]

I have 6 children, two adhd / autism, and have never locked anyone in a closet. How would you like being locked in a closet?

You can lock them in a room with a potty, food, and drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Look, talking = incentivizing.

Right now, it doesn't matter if he lists "comical" things, or has a long involved conversation with your husband, or any of that. This isn't about finding him cute, or showing how advanced he is to the readers, or about delving into how much you adore him by going on and on about it. (It's okay to adore him! He's your little man, and you love him! But this is not the time to indulge in those feelings.)

Every time you post about the conversations you have when he is misbehaving, you are emphasizing how much you are going in the wrong direction. You can prepare for transitions with him, you can talk about how to do things once it is over and everyone is out of the situation, but in the moment? All this talking is like saying "He's so dirty after playing outside, and I keep throwing mud on him, and this time it's liquid mud, and oh sometimes it's peat moss, and sometimes his dad dumps a bunch of sand on him and whhhhyyy is he so diiirrrrty all the time?"

Stop the conversations when things are in a critical point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

For those things if he dawdles or cries you just pick him up and do them. You’re in charge of the schedule. He can follow it or you can make his body follow it if he refuses. You are stronger than a 2 year old, you can physically change his diaper if you need to. You’re just afraid to actually do it.

In truth I’m a pediatrician (emergency medicine, not primary care) and the number of parents who say “oh he’s so strong I can’t hold his arms down for you to check his ears , he’s just going to grab the otoscope” is fascinating to me. Yes, mom, you can hold your 3 year olds right arm down so I can check his ears. You just aren’t comfortable doing it. And it draws out the process and makes it harder on your kid.

Same with diaper changes OP. You’re allowing him to draw it out and make it a battle. Just hold his body down and do it and you’re done in 20 seconds and then you move on. Yes, I have kids and yes this is what I did. They’re now very pleasant older elementary boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Sounds like he found himself a really fun activity - argue with mommy about pooping! Why do you engage in this??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Look, talking = incentivizing.

Right now, it doesn't matter if he lists "comical" things, or has a long involved conversation with your husband, or any of that. This isn't about finding him cute, or showing how advanced he is to the readers, or about delving into how much you adore him by going on and on about it. (It's okay to adore him! He's your little man, and you love him! But this is not the time to indulge in those feelings.)

Every time you post about the conversations you have when he is misbehaving, you are emphasizing how much you are going in the wrong direction. You can prepare for transitions with him, you can talk about how to do things once it is over and everyone is out of the situation, but in the moment? All this talking is like saying "He's so dirty after playing outside, and I keep throwing mud on him, and this time it's liquid mud, and oh sometimes it's peat moss, and sometimes his dad dumps a bunch of sand on him and whhhhyyy is he so diiirrrrty all the time?"

Stop the conversations when things are in a critical point.

So just silent treatment? Granted, we have not tried this before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and he both need to read some books and/or take a class. A book like No Bad Kids can be read in one afternoon. Just do that to get going.

Most toddler misbehavior is attributable to either not having had enough physical activity or being hungry or tired, off schedule, etc.

is this really true?? if so I have a defective kid. Most days, barring interruptions to our daily routine, he is well-fed (healthy and well-balanced), very well exercised, well-slept (he sleeps 11 hours at night, 2 hour naps most days), and very well-engaged between preschool and home. But the misbehavior is constant.

Really constant? Or are you exaggerating? Constant misbehavior is not developmentally typical and there is probably an issue. But occasional misbeahvior sprinkled throughout the day is developmentally normal because they are still learning how to behave and do not have good impulse control. Your job is to correct, impose reasonable natural ckmseiquences for behavior and keep your cool.

Sure, not every minute we're around him. But every transition. Every time he has to get dressed or get a diaper change. Every meal time. Almost every time he's going in and out of car seats. Etc.

You really need to read some parenting books or take a PeP class. There are ways to deal with this — no magic bullets but things that will gradually help. The two biggest are warnings and choice. Eg—in 3 minutes, we will need to put down the toys and get dressed. In two minutes, we will need to get dressed. In one minute, we will need to get dressed. Okay. It’s just about time to get dressed — do you want the blue shirt or the red shirt today? Do you want to put Teddy on the bed or on leave him on the floor? (This won’t work exactly but that’s the idea. For them, each transition is surprising. And wildly disruptive to their internal life.

This is something we do already for any type of transitions. He has plenty of heads up and gradual time warnings. He gets choices like which clothes, do you want mama or dada to change your diaper. It rarely makes anything better because he will just bog us down with questions. “5 more minutes until we need to get dressed for school” - “why 5 minutes? How about TEN minutes!” Or “i run away” or some chain of comical responses or questions. We proceed with the timed countdown and when it comes time to get him dressed - still big struggle. Or he says “ I want mama to change diaper.” When I proceed to do it, he flips and asks for dada or runs away again while very clearly telling me he knows he’s not supposed to be doing it “I be bad!”

Honest question. Do you think your toddler enjoys being in charge of the entire family? Do you think he enjoys thinking he has total control over his parents? Newsflash, he doesn’t. He is begging you to take charge and steer his ship. Every post of yours I read, I see a toddler who is pleading with you to take control and steer the ship. Be the leader he is craving. Stop forcing him to be in charge of all this. It must be exhausting for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Look, talking = incentivizing.

Right now, it doesn't matter if he lists "comical" things, or has a long involved conversation with your husband, or any of that. This isn't about finding him cute, or showing how advanced he is to the readers, or about delving into how much you adore him by going on and on about it. (It's okay to adore him! He's your little man, and you love him! But this is not the time to indulge in those feelings.)

Every time you post about the conversations you have when he is misbehaving, you are emphasizing how much you are going in the wrong direction. You can prepare for transitions with him, you can talk about how to do things once it is over and everyone is out of the situation, but in the moment? All this talking is like saying "He's so dirty after playing outside, and I keep throwing mud on him, and this time it's liquid mud, and oh sometimes it's peat moss, and sometimes his dad dumps a bunch of sand on him and whhhhyyy is he so diiirrrrty all the time?"

Stop the conversations when things are in a critical point.

So just silent treatment? Granted, we have not tried this before.

Omg
It’s not the silent treatment. When you say 2 min until you get dressed and he says “why? Why not 10?” you can either not respond or you can say “its 2 minutes”. “But why?? I want 10 minutes! I want daddy to change me!” Just ignore and keep getting ready. At 2 minutes, “oh the timer went off it’s been 2 minutes! Up we go to get dressed” and physically carry him upstairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op are you not American originally? This is considered abuse here.

Right. Because American's don't abuse their children ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Sounds like he found himself a really fun activity - argue with mommy about pooping! Why do you engage in this??

Because generally we’re encouraged to talk and have conversations with our kids? I don’t mention this to show how “advanced “ he is, but to show he understands what he’s supposed or not supposed to do but ignores it. And we don’t praise him for the endless questions /use of conversation to dawdle, but obviously we want him to like talking to us and feel comfortable asking questions ?

[Anonymous]

Trumps America

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what will work eventually (nothing is going to work overnight on a 2 year old), is sticking to the consequence with minimal emotion. If he rages, so be it. So, for the food thing, throwing food means he’s done. Communicate that ahead of time and just remove the plate. “You threw food, dinner is over”. He can try to negotiate, scream, whatever, but you’re done. He will survive with no meal. With my son, that first tantrum was horrific. The second one, a minute or so, and then…no more behavior. Bonus to the big tantrum is that they sleep well that night. Also, unless his room is no fun, if you’re trying to modify behavior, the chair should be somewhere with no distactions that you can see. General rule is a minute per year. If you feel you are about to lose it yourself, then put them in their room where they’re safe and take a break.

Even though your child is verbal, their brains aren’t really developed enough to do long term thinking and reasoning at this age. Explanations beyond “this is something you may not do” are pointless and make yourself feel like you’re accomplishing something but you aren’t. Toddlers are exhausting terrorists, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Precisely. OP, you are talking too much. Talking about it reinforces it, even if you think you are explaining to him why it is bad. He's not there -- he just likes being the focus of attention. That's normal for his age! But you feed into it.

Calm, limited emotion, clear, short communication. Natural consequences for misbehavior. Lots of redirection to head it off, and lots of praise when he is doing it right. THEN is when you have extended conversations.

That’s a good point. He loves going back and forth with us on “why did dada/mama do …..”. We will try no more second chances even if he verbally apologizes and says he will not repeat bad behavior afain.

can someone tell me how this works when you’re not trying to stop bad behavior but need to get him to cooperate. Example: changing diaper, putting on clothes, getting into car seats. He runs away, cries, dawdles. The consequence can’t be disengage or ignore. Or even time out because we need to get him out the door or the diaper changed. He’s too strong to be physically forced to dress or lie down by me, when DH does it he hates it and cries but it’s apparently not enough of a deterrent because he still refuses to just cooperate.

You need to solve the problem before it happens either by incentivizing the good behavior or by addressing the reason for the noncompliance. The reason for the noncompliance might be that he feels out of control, and it might be mitigated by finding ways to give him choices or control over the situation. (If he really hates having diaper changes, that might be a sign he’s ready for potty training.). Maybe if you let him pick shoes he really loves like light up super help shoes it would solve the shoe problem? Incentives are best when linked to natural consequences — if you get dressed quickly we will have time to play at the school playground for few minutes, or read a book before we leave, or play matchbox cars after breakfast, or whatever. If you front load the things he doesn’t like, instead of leaving them for the last minute, that gives you more leverage. Like he needs shoes on before breakfast and if he takes forever for that, you won’t have time to make him his favorite breakfast. Or whatever it is. Currently, the consequences of his dawdling are falling all on you (late to work or you skip breakfast or whatever).

Don’t get me started on diaper training. I think he is more than ready. He asks to pee in the potty and can successfully do it most times. But refuses to poop in it. Defiantly tells me “I will NOT poopoo in potty I poopoo in my diaper.” And “I JUST ONLY peepee in potty.” He can practically recite books we’ve read about the potty, as welll as the eve growing list of rewards he will get if he poops in the potty. But refuses to do it. When we ask him “why won’t you poop in potty” he says “because I be mean” which is his way of saying I’m doing something my parents don’t want me to do.

Sounds like he found himself a really fun activity - argue with mommy about pooping! Why do you engage in this??

Because generally we’re encouraged to talk and have conversations with our kids? I don’t mention this to show how “advanced “ he is, but to show he understands what he’s supposed or not supposed to do but ignores it. And we don’t praise him for the endless questions /use of conversation to dawdle, but obviously we want him to like talking to us and feel comfortable asking questions ?

Of course you can talk to him, don’t be pedantic. You can discuss the morning routine with him for hours if you want to. But when it comes time to actually implement the morning routine then you have to implement it. Not stop and discuss it for another hour.

Imagine your darling at kindergarten in a few years trying to run the classroom. Telling his teacher he doesn’t want to do X activity yet and why can he do Y activity ? And expecting to actually have a say in this? Because there are kids like this out there and you don’t do him any favors by letting him turn into one of them

[Anonymous]

I'll just say that my father got locked in a dark closet when he was a child, on the advice of the nuns. He is 75+ y/o and is still traumatized by dark and close spaces. Viscerally. If you, as a parent in 2025 are even considering this, you are already a complete failure. WTAF.