Is it cruel to lock my toddler in a dark closet for a couple of minutes?

[Anonymous]

NP. All of you guys here calling this child abuse are delusional especially if you think anyone will do anything about it. I am married to an abusive spouse who frequently emotionally damages the child, throws stuff when they get angry at at said child, grabs them harshly, etc without having ever hurt them physically, and they would get 50-50 custody. So you guys are just delusional. Actual abusive behavior unless seriously physically damaging does not matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2.5 DS is driving us crazy over the long holiday break. Constantly boundary testing and fighting everything (getting dressed, diaper changes, stopping destructive behavior). He's verbal enough that we know he understands what he's doing is wrong/not allowed, but he's just keeps at it to get a reaction out of us. DH threatened timeout and the following conversation ensues:

DS: What is timeout dada?
DH: we lock you in your room for 5 minutes and you're not going to like it.
DS: can I be loud in my room?
DH: .....yes..
DS: can i be really loud?
DH: yes
DS: I go to timeout!

DH suggested locking him in a closet so it's dark and he's scared (for a few minutes) so he's actually incentivized to avoid it as a punishment. Thoughts?

I know what you’re going through. It’s so tough dealing with a child like that. Please consider reading the book Hold On to Your Kids by Neufeld and Maté. On the bright side, this child has zero ounces of people-pleasing in them. You’re raising someone who could change the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. All of you guys here calling this child abuse are delusional especially if you think anyone will do anything about it. I am married to an abusive spouse who frequently emotionally damages the child, throws stuff when they get angry at at said child, grabs them harshly, etc without having ever hurt them physically, and they would get 50-50 custody. So you guys are just delusional. Actual abusive behavior unless seriously physically damaging does not matter.

The issue is that you are the one doing nothing in your case. How do you justify exposing your child to this abuse?

[Anonymous]

PP what’s your recommendation? What are actionable solutions you proposed? Informed view: Justice system only takes action for extremely serious cases. Not this stuff which is considered minor.

[Anonymous]

Just picture your child as an adult, recalling memories of you locking them in a closet. Will they be thankful or resentful? Do you see a healthy relationship stemming from it? Did your parents do that to you, and how is your relationship?

[Anonymous]

Well people think cry it out isn’t cruel and I don’t see the difference here, so…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well people think cry it out isn’t cruel and I don’t see the difference here, so…

No one has an answer to this??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and before anyone comes at me for abuse - DS is extremely well loved and secure toddler. Our frustration is he is perhaps too confident and knows he can walk all over us. We do try replacement behavior, redirecting, the usual parenting suggestions, but often it does not work. Here's another example of something that happens nightly. DS starts banging on the table during mealtime or throwing food. We take away his plate.

DS: I want my food back!
DH: Why did dada take ita way?
DS: Because I hit the table
DH: Are you going to stop if I give it back to you?
DS: Yes.
We give it back. 2 minutes later destructive behavior returns.
DH: Dinner is over (takes away his plate, removes him from table)
DS: I want my food!
DH: Why did I take it away?
DS: Because I be mean.

*repeats*

OMG. You’re insane. The moment he does something like bang on the table, take away the plate. Dinner is over.

Don’t ask him why. Just say, simply matter of fact with no emotion.

“When you bang on the table dinner is all done.”

This is called natural consequences. Then you don’t even have to deal with time out and the toddler pushing your buttons. Personally, I always found it easier to remove the item from the situation than negotiate with a cheeky toddler. So, if the kid is hitting with a toy, the toy is on time out in a high shelf for the rest of the day. Any toy the kid throws gets put up immediately. That’s natural consequences.

No, those are not at all “natural consequences.” But they are good, appropriate consequences for each of the situations you have described. This is appropriate toddler discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP: We are doing parent child interaction training for a child with ADHD and before the child learns to sit quietly on a chair in time-out, he gets put into a bathroom with the door closed (not dark of course). If he tries to get out, he stays longer in the bathroom. This is all under therapist guidance and so far, we have had to do it 5-6 times. The therapist assured us that a bit of "fear" of consequence that is not liked by the child is actually good b/c you want them to not like the consequence. Once he learns to sit on a chair quietly, then he no longer goes to the bathroom.

thank you. this is helpful. This is what i want to know more about. How you can SAFELY discipline a kid this age and use actually negative consequences (things they "fear" or really want to avoid) to encourage better behavior.

No. 2 is too young to learn anything from this punishment other than fear. It won't teach him anything other than that you do things that scare him.

I would not lock my child in any room large or small. My mom did it and all it did was put me in a panic.

Op your child has been alive all of 2 years. Just be precise and consistent with consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and before anyone comes at me for abuse - DS is extremely well loved and secure toddler. Our frustration is he is perhaps too confident and knows he can walk all over us. We do try replacement behavior, redirecting, the usual parenting suggestions, but often it does not work. Here's another example of something that happens nightly. DS starts banging on the table during mealtime or throwing food. We take away his plate.

DS: I want my food back!
DH: Why did dada take ita way?
DS: Because I hit the table
DH: Are you going to stop if I give it back to you?
DS: Yes.
We give it back. 2 minutes later destructive behavior returns.
DH: Dinner is over (takes away his plate, removes him from table)
DS: I want my food!
DH: Why did I take it away?
DS: Because I be mean.

*repeats*

My kid used to be like this. You're engaging way too much. Give him one warning that if he throws food, you'll take his plate away. When he throws it, follow through. No further discussion or negotiating for his plate back. Don't yell or emote. Just matter of fact. He will likely throw a long tantrum the first few times. Just don't react. Keep moving forward with your evening. Repeat repeat repeat daily.

I agree with you. But I couldn't bring myself to 100% ignore my toddler during tantrums. "I'm here for you if you need a hug," or "I'm ready to talk to you when you calm down."

[Anonymous]

Op, you said yourself that the child is looking for a reaction. Don’t give him one. When the unwanted behavior presents, you remove the item (the plate, the toy, whatever it is). You calmly state “we don’t throw plate. dinner is over now.” toy don’t engage further. just repeat the action and the consequence. Expect the behavior to get worse before it is extinguished, this is normal. Calm and consistent needs to be your mantra.
If your child came to my classroom and told me he’d been locked in the closet I would have to report that to CPS. It is potentially traumatizing, don’t do it.
-Preschool teacher

[Anonymous]

Wow it is terrifying you would do that to your 2.5 year old !!! Or to any age kid!!

[Anonymous]

Yes this is cruel. Cry it out sleep training is cruel as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes this is cruel. Cry it out sleep training is cruel as well.

Yes let’s start reporting parents to CPS for sleep training.

[Anonymous]

Leaving a toddler who is aware what's happening in a dark closet by themselves

Leaving an infant under 1 in a dark room by themselves wailing for their caregiver. Communicating the only way they know how. Not able to manipulate.

These are different how? How are we appalled at the discipline for a 2 year old but this is okay for an infant who hasn't done anything wrong and has no idea why or what is happening.

Frequent night wakings suck but you signed up for this as a parent. They are protective to sids. Be angry at the system that requires two hhi. The lack of mat leave for a year and the rest of it but pls don't justify true cio/extinction for anything else that cruelty so you can get a full night sleep