Is it cruel to lock my toddler in a dark closet for a couple of minutes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone had that conversation with their 2.5 yr old. Next.

Well, FWIW, his pre-school teachers did say he is quite advanced verbally for a boy this age.

[Anonymous]

That’s really f’ed up.

[Anonymous]

Wtf, no. He's 2, good lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op are you not American originally? This is considered abuse here.

My parents were immigrants but I was born here. Yes, in my country much harsher punishments are acceptable. But DH is as American as they come and he's the one who suggested the closet. I'm asking because i think it's a tad harsh but I am interested in more effective ways of discipline, not just redirection (because it just doesn't work a lot of the time!)

[Anonymous]

NP: We are doing parent child interaction training for a child with ADHD and before the child learns to sit quietly on a chair in time-out, he gets put into a bathroom with the door closed (not dark of course). If he tries to get out, he stays longer in the bathroom. This is all under therapist guidance and so far, we have had to do it 5-6 times. The therapist assured us that a bit of "fear" of consequence that is not liked by the child is actually good b/c you want them to not like the consequence. Once he learns to sit on a chair quietly, then he no longer goes to the bathroom.

[Anonymous]

If he has a tablet, randomly take it away and say "I be mean". Then have a discussion about the wisdom and ethics of being arbitrarily mean.

Sounds like this kid is ready for a two-way discussion about how life works.

As a kid, I was sent to my room as a punishment. It was someplace I liked to be. So it wasn't traumatic. And I got the point that I was being shunned. That was enough punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP: We are doing parent child interaction training for a child with ADHD and before the child learns to sit quietly on a chair in time-out, he gets put into a bathroom with the door closed (not dark of course). If he tries to get out, he stays longer in the bathroom. This is all under therapist guidance and so far, we have had to do it 5-6 times. The therapist assured us that a bit of "fear" of consequence that is not liked by the child is actually good b/c you want them to not like the consequence. Once he learns to sit on a chair quietly, then he no longer goes to the bathroom.

thank you. this is helpful. This is what i want to know more about. How you can SAFELY discipline a kid this age and use actually negative consequences (things they "fear" or really want to avoid) to encourage better behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and before anyone comes at me for abuse - DS is extremely well loved and secure toddler. Our frustration is he is perhaps too confident and knows he can walk all over us. We do try replacement behavior, redirecting, the usual parenting suggestions, but often it does not work. Here's another example of something that happens nightly. DS starts banging on the table during mealtime or throwing food. We take away his plate.

DS: I want my food back!
DH: Why did dada take ita way?
DS: Because I hit the table
DH: Are you going to stop if I give it back to you?
DS: Yes.
We give it back. 2 minutes later destructive behavior returns.
DH: Dinner is over (takes away his plate, removes him from table)
DS: I want my food!
DH: Why did I take it away?
DS: Because I be mean.

*repeats*

My kid used to be like this. You're engaging way too much. Give him one warning that if he throws food, you'll take his plate away. When he throws it, follow through. No further discussion or negotiating for his plate back. Don't yell or emote. Just matter of fact. He will likely throw a long tantrum the first few times. Just don't react. Keep moving forward with your evening. Repeat repeat repeat daily.

[Anonymous]

We had to do the bathroom method once with our 3 year old. He managed to calm down himself in there (lights on), but he did not like it one bit. It’s been several months and we haven’t had to do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and before anyone comes at me for abuse - DS is extremely well loved and secure toddler. Our frustration is he is perhaps too confident and knows he can walk all over us. We do try replacement behavior, redirecting, the usual parenting suggestions, but often it does not work. Here's another example of something that happens nightly. DS starts banging on the table during mealtime or throwing food. We take away his plate.

DS: I want my food back!
DH: Why did dada take ita way?
DS: Because I hit the table
DH: Are you going to stop if I give it back to you?
DS: Yes.
We give it back. 2 minutes later destructive behavior returns.
DH: Dinner is over (takes away his plate, removes him from table)
DS: I want my food!
DH: Why did I take it away?
DS: Because I be mean.

*repeats*

Weird that your 2.5 year old speaks in full sentences and your DH speaks baby talk.

[Anonymous]

OP, your kid sounds smart and bratty. But you just need to outsmart him, not scare him.

This is like the dog training issues where certain behaviors get the dog confused about who leads the pack.

Your toddler is just figuring out what he can get away with.

I would say no second chances after throwing food would be o.k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has a tablet, randomly take it away and say "I be mean". Then have a discussion about the wisdom and ethics of being arbitrarily mean.

Sounds like this kid is ready for a two-way discussion about how life works.

As a kid, I was sent to my room as a punishment. It was someplace I liked to be. So it wasn't traumatic. And I got the point that I was being shunned. That was enough punishment.

I haven't thought of that before, I might give that a try, thanks! If anything it would be an interesting experiment to see if he can understand the situation. He certain can connect bad behavior (hitting, throwing, tantrums around things like getting dressed/transitions) with the phrase "I be mean." When we ask him "Why are you being mean?" he will usually giggle and say something circular like "Because i be not nice." So he's not getting the part where one should NOT be mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP: We are doing parent child interaction training for a child with ADHD and before the child learns to sit quietly on a chair in time-out, he gets put into a bathroom with the door closed (not dark of course). If he tries to get out, he stays longer in the bathroom. This is all under therapist guidance and so far, we have had to do it 5-6 times. The therapist assured us that a bit of "fear" of consequence that is not liked by the child is actually good b/c you want them to not like the consequence. Once he learns to sit on a chair quietly, then he no longer goes to the bathroom.

thank you. this is helpful. This is what i want to know more about. How you can SAFELY discipline a kid this age and use actually negative consequences (things they "fear" or really want to avoid) to encourage better behavior.

PP: She was very explicit though that we need to leave the light on, etc. The purpose is not to create a scary experience for the child, rather an unpleasant experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and before anyone comes at me for abuse - DS is extremely well loved and secure toddler. Our frustration is he is perhaps too confident and knows he can walk all over us. We do try replacement behavior, redirecting, the usual parenting suggestions, but often it does not work. Here's another example of something that happens nightly. DS starts banging on the table during mealtime or throwing food. We take away his plate.

DS: I want my food back!
DH: Why did dada take ita way?
DS: Because I hit the table
DH: Are you going to stop if I give it back to you?
DS: Yes.
We give it back. 2 minutes later destructive behavior returns.
DH: Dinner is over (takes away his plate, removes him from table)
DS: I want my food!
DH: Why did I take it away?
DS: Because I be mean.

*repeats*

He is 2. This is normal. Geez. WTF?!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he gets a lot of attention for bad behavior. Figure out what bad behavior you can ignore and try to catch him being good and give him positive attention for that as much as possible.