How are you preparing your DD to protect herself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 52 year old mom of two daughters 18 and 20.

None of us have ever had to deal with sexual harassment. Calm down.

I'm happy for you, but your experience is not normal. Most of us have been catcalled, followed, inappropriately touched by a stranger, had a BF or ex get scary, etc.
And while I had been catcalled before 18, most of the stuff that happened to me, happened after 20: I don't wish it on your girls but they're barely out in the world yet so maybe don't be so cocky.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 52 year old mom of two daughters 18 and 20.

None of us have ever had to deal with sexual harassment. Calm down.

Same.

Same here. I think it makes 5 of us on this thread so far. I was beautiful in my teens/20s/30s and always dated very attractive, successful men (and then married one --a physician). But I was never really harassed--not even really cat called.

I don't really exude sexuality or vulnerability. I've never dressed provocatively or even very femininely. I'm not saying that women should change their dress to avoid harassment but I've always wondered why I never got harassed why other women say they were continually and I assume it must have had something to do with my clothing. I otherwise don't know.

It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with how women dress or act. It’s the men. You have led a sheltered life, in which, apparently, you haven’t had encountered a certain type of man. Good for you, but you didn’t do (or not do) anything to prevent this from happening to you, just as the rest of us didn’t do (or not do) anything that made it happen to us.

I was a rather plain, modesty dressed, nerdy, quiet, well behaved child in school. I was sexually harassed by a teacher. I did nothing wrong. I was not the least bit provocative. You have experienced life as a unicorn and it’s insulting to the vast majority of women that you think you have controlled whether or not you were sexually harassed, and we didn’t. VERY insulting.

Agree so much with this. Thank you for posting. We didn't do anything wrong, they're just sh.t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP above and I forgot to add that I was sexually assaulted multiple times in my late teens and 20s and didn’t even fully understand it was sexual assault until the last time (when I pressed charges and was ready to testify until last-minute plea deal). That’s why I have started so early with DD.

I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m not really understanding a sexual assault that you “didn’t really understand was sexual assault” until it happened to you several times.
Obviously that sounds horrific. Very confusing though for the guy as well if he also didn’t realize that it was against your will? Just trying to figure out how that is communicated after the fact so that he is also aware that you now realize it was sexual assault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP above and I forgot to add that I was sexually assaulted multiple times in my late teens and 20s and didn’t even fully understand it was sexual assault until the last time (when I pressed charges and was ready to testify until last-minute plea deal). That’s why I have started so early with DD.

I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m not really understanding a sexual assault that you “didn’t really understand was sexual assault” until it happened to you several times.
Obviously that sounds horrific. Very confusing though for the guy as well if he also didn’t realize that it was against your will? Just trying to figure out how that is communicated after the fact so that he is also aware that you now realize it was sexual assault.

I am not PP but a lot of people think it isn't assault if it isn't violent rape. Too drunk to consent, froze up, groped but no penetration - lots of people wrongly think these are not assault.

[Anonymous]

Unwanted sexual attention has NOTHING to do with attractiveness. It’s about power. Men aren’t out there thinking “gee, if I honk and yell obscenities, she’ll go on a date with me.” The point is to objectify, humiliate, and intimidate.

They do it because women exist in public. They do it because women exist in the workplace. They do it because women exist in school. They do it because a woman looks vulnerable or isolated, and they know they can get away with it. They do it because a woman looks strong and confident, and the man wants to take them down a peg.

Eight year olds or ninety year olds, miniskirts or sweatpants, high heels or combat boots, tall or short, skinny or fat, long hair or short, makeup or not - it DOES NOT MATTER what women look like or what they wear. It’s about certain kinds of men being unable to share spaces with women without feeling emasculated. For groups of men, harassing women can serve as a male bonding ritual or a demonstration of social status.

Women who appear to be “owned” by somebody (ie with another man or with children) don’t trigger this resentment, so they’re less likely to be on the receiving end of harassment.

For women, this is the environment we swim in. Some aren’t aware of it, just as fish aren’t aware of water.

[Anonymous]

I have a son and daughter and am focusing on my son and how anything other than an enthusiastic yes is an automatic no.
We talk about what enthusiasm looks like and sounds like and feels like. And if there is any point where you are unsure that should be your cue to stop and it is a no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP above and I forgot to add that I was sexually assaulted multiple times in my late teens and 20s and didn’t even fully understand it was sexual assault until the last time (when I pressed charges and was ready to testify until last-minute plea deal). That’s why I have started so early with DD.

I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m not really understanding a sexual assault that you “didn’t really understand was sexual assault” until it happened to you several times.
Obviously that sounds horrific. Very confusing though for the guy as well if he also didn’t realize that it was against your will? Just trying to figure out how that is communicated after the fact so that he is also aware that you now realize it was sexual assault.

I am not PP but a lot of people think it isn't assault if it isn't violent rape. Too drunk to consent, froze up, groped but no penetration - lots of people wrongly think these are not assault.

How is the guy going to know that you don’t want it if you don’t say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP above and I forgot to add that I was sexually assaulted multiple times in my late teens and 20s and didn’t even fully understand it was sexual assault until the last time (when I pressed charges and was ready to testify until last-minute plea deal). That’s why I have started so early with DD.

I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m not really understanding a sexual assault that you “didn’t really understand was sexual assault” until it happened to you several times.
Obviously that sounds horrific. Very confusing though for the guy as well if he also didn’t realize that it was against your will? Just trying to figure out how that is communicated after the fact so that he is also aware that you now realize it was sexual assault.

I am not PP but a lot of people think it isn't assault if it isn't violent rape. Too drunk to consent, froze up, groped but no penetration - lots of people wrongly think these are not assault.

How is the guy going to know that you don’t want it if you don’t say no.

Ask before grabbing
Same as I told my kids when whey were in KG, same now as teens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP above and I forgot to add that I was sexually assaulted multiple times in my late teens and 20s and didn’t even fully understand it was sexual assault until the last time (when I pressed charges and was ready to testify until last-minute plea deal). That’s why I have started so early with DD.

I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m not really understanding a sexual assault that you “didn’t really understand was sexual assault” until it happened to you several times.
Obviously that sounds horrific. Very confusing though for the guy as well if he also didn’t realize that it was against your will? Just trying to figure out how that is communicated after the fact so that he is also aware that you now realize it was sexual assault.

I am not PP but a lot of people think it isn't assault if it isn't violent rape. Too drunk to consent, froze up, groped but no penetration - lots of people wrongly think these are not assault.

How is the guy going to know that you don’t want it if you don’t say no.

Unless she clearly says yes, it should not proceed. PERIOD. My friends with boys are teaching their boys this.

If they are drinking to the point of drunk and unable to consent it shoudl not go forward.

Boys aren't animals. It's time we stop treating them like they are not capable of knowing when there is consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP above and I forgot to add that I was sexually assaulted multiple times in my late teens and 20s and didn’t even fully understand it was sexual assault until the last time (when I pressed charges and was ready to testify until last-minute plea deal). That’s why I have started so early with DD.

I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m not really understanding a sexual assault that you “didn’t really understand was sexual assault” until it happened to you several times.
Obviously that sounds horrific. Very confusing though for the guy as well if he also didn’t realize that it was against your will? Just trying to figure out how that is communicated after the fact so that he is also aware that you now realize it was sexual assault.

I am not PP but a lot of people think it isn't assault if it isn't violent rape. Too drunk to consent, froze up, groped but no penetration - lots of people wrongly think these are not assault.

How is the guy going to know that you don’t want it if you don’t say no.

Because the default is no. Too many men assume the default is yes because it’s convenient for them to believe that.

If she’s unconscious, if she’s extremely drunk, if she’s terrified, if she’s being taken advantage of, if she had to be coerced or shamed, if the man holds power over her (a job, a grade, a ride home), that’s a no.

If she’s had sex with someone else before, that is not blanket consent to have sex with all men in the future.

If she’s done Sex Act A with someone else, it is her right to decide she doesn’t like Sex Act A and doesn’t want to do it with future partners.

Rule of thumb for harassment: if you wouldn’t want a strange man saying or doing those things to you, then don’t say or do them to women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP above and I forgot to add that I was sexually assaulted multiple times in my late teens and 20s and didn’t even fully understand it was sexual assault until the last time (when I pressed charges and was ready to testify until last-minute plea deal). That’s why I have started so early with DD.

I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m not really understanding a sexual assault that you “didn’t really understand was sexual assault” until it happened to you several times.
Obviously that sounds horrific. Very confusing though for the guy as well if he also didn’t realize that it was against your will? Just trying to figure out how that is communicated after the fact so that he is also aware that you now realize it was sexual assault.

I am not PP but a lot of people think it isn't assault if it isn't violent rape. Too drunk to consent, froze up, groped but no penetration - lots of people wrongly think these are not assault.

How is the guy going to know that you don’t want it if you don’t say no.

Because the default is no. Too many men assume the default is yes because it’s convenient for them to believe that.

If she’s unconscious, if she’s extremely drunk, if she’s terrified, if she’s being taken advantage of, if she had to be coerced or shamed, if the man holds power over her (a job, a grade, a ride home), that’s a no.

If she’s had sex with someone else before, that is not blanket consent to have sex with all men in the future.

If she’s done Sex Act A with someone else, it is her right to decide she doesn’t like Sex Act A and doesn’t want to do it with future partners.

Rule of thumb for harassment: if you wouldn’t want a strange man saying or doing those things to you, then don’t say or do them to women.

Well put. If my words and body language don’t convey obvious consent, the answer is no. If you’re unsure how to read my body language, if it’s at all ambiguous, ask for consent and graciously accept the first “no,” without any rancor or trying to change my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister who met her husband in college. She went from my father’s house to living with her fiance/husband. She never lived in a city. She had kids young.

I was single all through my 20s in a large city.

We look very much alike and have had very different experiences.

Men target women who are not with an man and/or not with kids. Once you have kids with you it’s like an invisibility cloak.

We need to prepare our daughters either way.

I think it is this. I was groped, cat called, just about anything even in front of bad bfs. In my teens to early 20s. I now I am angry about it at 39.

But once I had good bfs around, it stopped. I can dress provocative and it’s not that. Some women are naive again because the lack of male around and it’s not the clothing but situational awareness they don’t have that causes men to prey. They aren’t asking for it. It’s just a combination of no male, lack of situational awareness and easy target a man saw.

Men respect other men more than women. I dare anyone to challenge this because it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP above and I forgot to add that I was sexually assaulted multiple times in my late teens and 20s and didn’t even fully understand it was sexual assault until the last time (when I pressed charges and was ready to testify until last-minute plea deal). That’s why I have started so early with DD.

I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m not really understanding a sexual assault that you “didn’t really understand was sexual assault” until it happened to you several times.
Obviously that sounds horrific. Very confusing though for the guy as well if he also didn’t realize that it was against your will? Just trying to figure out how that is communicated after the fact so that he is also aware that you now realize it was sexual assault.

I am not PP but a lot of people think it isn't assault if it isn't violent rape. Too drunk to consent, froze up, groped but no penetration - lots of people wrongly think these are not assault.

How is the guy going to know that you don’t want it if you don’t say no.

You have to establish *consent.* At every step. If there is any doubt, the default is no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t considering one experience “harassment”

Be is from cat calling in a street, a random comment at a party, a homeless man exposing himself on the street. Perhaps it meets the definition, but this shouldn’t be traumatizing. Just move on.

Harassment is if the same person repeatedly gives you unwanted attention after you have explicitly told them to stop.

Do you think that something has to cross the line to illegality for it to be a problem? Because you seem awfully hung up on the legal definition of harassment in the workplace, as opposed to a widely-acceptable definition of sexual harassment that does not necessarily warrant an arrest. Legality is not the same as morality.

This person's definition of harassment is made up. There is no "requirement" that you've told the person to stop and they don't stop. The actual definition in the dictionary:

behavior characterized by the making of unwelcome and inappropriate sexual remarks or physical advances in a workplace or other professional or social situation.

- and this also includes the constant, misogynistic micro aggressions we all have to suffer through on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP above and I forgot to add that I was sexually assaulted multiple times in my late teens and 20s and didn’t even fully understand it was sexual assault until the last time (when I pressed charges and was ready to testify until last-minute plea deal). That’s why I have started so early with DD.

I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m not really understanding a sexual assault that you “didn’t really understand was sexual assault” until it happened to you several times.
Obviously that sounds horrific. Very confusing though for the guy as well if he also didn’t realize that it was against your will? Just trying to figure out how that is communicated after the fact so that he is also aware that you now realize it was sexual assault.

I am not PP but a lot of people think it isn't assault if it isn't violent rape. Too drunk to consent, froze up, groped but no penetration - lots of people wrongly think these are not assault.

How is the guy going to know that you don’t want it if you don’t say no.

Unless she clearly says yes, it should not proceed. PERIOD. My friends with boys are teaching their boys this.

If they are drinking to the point of drunk and unable to consent it shoudl not go forward.

Boys aren't animals. It's time we stop treating them like they are not capable of knowing when there is consent.

It’s well past time to stop teaching girls that they can’t use their words. Stop infantilizing women and girls. Don’t teach your daughters that her safety is anyone’s responsibility but her own, for starters.