What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying for college? Don’t jeopardize that.

Daddy’s new girlfriend is already cutting that off, rest assured.
In December the FAFSA will be done with only the mom. And letter should go to uni to explain change.

How could that possibly be? And FWIW Mommy doesn't have any income because I was told by him that what I would earn now would just be a tax liability so just focus on my hobbies and volunteering and don't stress about trying to get back into the work force post-Pandemic. I haven't worked since 2020.

Talk to your lawyer.

[Anonymous]

I would let him know about a day or two before he is expected home, unless you know he has a significant test or assignment due around then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son doesn’t deserve 2 lying parents do not do the bull shit answer… we couldn’t stay married.

1. You say dad is moving out, I don’t completely understand it right now. People go through things and your dad is going through something right now neither of us is going to understand.

2. I am keeping the house and you will always have a home at least until you have your own home. (My kids really needed to hear we were not selling the house)

3. We have enough money for college that is not a worry for us so it should not be a worry for you.

4. I am fine, I’m strong, intelligent, and independent. I have very close friends to be my support system.

5. You will need friends to support you don’t try to keep this a secret, you should talk to <fill in blank of best friend>. There is nothing shameful about your family going through a rough time don’t keep
This a secret.

6. Find a family therapist for him to talk to. Are you in MD? I could recommend someone.

He’s gonna be very upset so plan to do something after… go for a hike, a museum m, shopping, go for dinner/ice cream, movie.

Here is the thing… treat your H like he is having a mental health crisis because most likely he is. Seriously who leaves mid semester instead of at least waiting until exams are over, he’s a d!ck plain and simple.

Only 5% of affairs become relationships. I’d wait until the summer to say dad is living with someone if it ends up he is, because most likely that will blow up in his face.

I'd only change #1 to include your Dad is having an affair and decided to move out.

From the perspective of a 20-year-old how important do you think this detail is? I am not shy about telling my sister/closest friends but do you think a 20-year-old can process this on top of everything else? Or should it be included because it factors so heavily into why Daddy is leaving...

I mean, it’s not a detail. It’s the entire story. He’s not going to understand otherwise.

True.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is really stupid. It amazes me why some men leave one woman for another as if the other woman is better. And doing so this late in life is even more puzzling. Some women have made similarly stupid choices as well.

What's so special about this mistress? Does she have some kind of never seen before designer coo**ie?

Anyways let the idiot go. We men never learn our lessons when it comes to woman. For that mistress he is just the latest flavour of the day. In a few months/years she will start looking for things wrong with him and start looking for a better guy..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He made the decision to leave so I am not willing to present this as "we made the decision not to stay married". Our dc is coming home for Thanksgiving. DH is in the process of moving out. Advice appreciated.

This would not be a surprise to your DC. He must have sensed that this was a loveless marriage even before he left for college? After-all, both of you were sharing the same house when he was growing up.

My advice is to make it as painless as possible for everyone. Make sure that the financial obligations are met by your DH, make sure that the house is in your name. Make sure that your son always have a home with you 100% and your son gets to decide how much or how little time he spends with his dad and new AP.

You make your family with your son. I hope you are ok without your DH.

In your shoes, I would let DH know that there is no need for a divorce, he could move out of the house and stay away from the house and live in with his girlfriend. He could co-parent with his AP as much or as little as he wants but he would have to pay the bills as before and he could have as much visitation as he wanted. I would keep the kids with me, and I would sock away money to set the kids up for life. I would become the Jennifer Garner and the Gwyneth Paltrow to his Ben Affleck and Chris Martin. I would never up-end my kids lives for the father. Or for that matter, any man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let him know about a day or two before he is expected home, unless you know he has a significant test or assignment due around then.

Nope. Tell when he is home and DH has left.

[Anonymous]

Tell him that his dad moved out and that it’s best that he ask him why. That won’t sit well with your son. Be prepared for your husband to lay some of the blame on you but that could be a true part of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He made the decision to leave so I am not willing to present this as "we made the decision not to stay married". Our dc is coming home for Thanksgiving. DH is in the process of moving out. Advice appreciated.

I'm sorry, OP! Sending you love and strength ♡

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something like this happened when my parents split and I was the college student. For a long time my mother was incandescent with rage and really hard to be around. I didn’t know about the affair until she moved in with my dad. In the interim he was much easier to be around. Therapy is a good idea.

You had absolutely no sympathy for your mom, huh?

It’s not the child’s job to be the parents emotional support animal. My mom dumped all her bs on me and to anyone who would listen. It’s hard to be around someone like that. I’m not a therapist and I was navigating my own thoughts regarding their break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of great advice here. I would add that if you are going to tell your DC before Thanksgiving, try to time it after any mid-term exams or papers.

This is sound advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have 2 concerns at this time:

1. How to make sure your kid continues to do well in college

and

2. How to pay for your kid's college

Hopefully you had #2 figured out before you chose to uncover your husband's affair and break up the marriage instead of letting the affair smolder. Most affairs eventually stop on their own if you just let them alone. Now this is a much messier situation that is harder to fix.

If you kind of got all emotional and did not really think #2 through, then you need to start thinking about it.

It is horrid, but there is most likely no legal recourse to make your husband pay for your child's college if they choose not to do it. If you are financially set, and kid's tution is all locked in within a dedicated fully funded 529 plan, that is great! Otherwise, you may find out your husband's priorities have waaaaaaaaaaay shifted now.

As to the substance of your question, say whatever you need to your kid to allow them to keep studying instead of getting depressed, or overly involved in this sordid affair. You are super focused on your own feelings of being betrayed right now. These are important, but if you can, talk them through with the therapist or something, and focus on supporting your child.

WTF?? Way to victim blame.

[Anonymous]

Don't blindside the kid. Call him and tell him that your husband is moving out because he made some poor choices. If he asks for more details, you can say "your dad is having an affair and has chosen to move out" and if he presses for more you can say "this is a conversation you need to have with your father, I can only tell you what I know" and leave it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son doesn’t deserve 2 lying parents do not do the bull shit answer… we couldn’t stay married.

1. You say dad is moving out, I don’t completely understand it right now. People go through things and your dad is going through something right now neither of us is going to understand.

2. I am keeping the house and you will always have a home at least until you have your own home. (My kids really needed to hear we were not selling the house)

3. We have enough money for college that is not a worry for us so it should not be a worry for you.

4. I am fine, I’m strong, intelligent, and independent. I have very close friends to be my support system.

5. You will need friends to support you don’t try to keep this a secret, you should talk to <fill in blank of best friend>. There is nothing shameful about your family going through a rough time don’t keep
This a secret.

6. Find a family therapist for him to talk to. Are you in MD? I could recommend someone.

He’s gonna be very upset so plan to do something after… go for a hike, a museum m, shopping, go for dinner/ice cream, movie.

Here is the thing… treat your H like he is having a mental health crisis because most likely he is. Seriously who leaves mid semester instead of at least waiting until exams are over, he’s a d!ck plain and simple.

Only 5% of affairs become relationships. I’d wait until the summer to say dad is living with someone if it ends up he is, because most likely that will blow up in his face.

As others have already chimed in, I think this is great guidance. I especially like the part about saying directly that there is nothing shameful about your family going through a rough time and doesn’t need to be kept secret.

[Anonymous]

Your dad has a new partner. Therefore we are getting divorced.

You don't characterize or disparage. Just the facts.

Then you let dad explain to the kid. Do not pump kid for information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying for college? Don’t jeopardize that.

Daddy’s new girlfriend is already cutting that off, rest assured.
In December the FAFSA will be done with only the mom. And letter should go to uni to explain change.

What are the odds that OP's kid is at the tiny number of schools that meet full need and don't require non-custodial parent information?

OP, I would tell my kid that his father has decided to end the marriage and has moved out, and that you would prefer that he ask his father about the reasons why. But if the kid persisted in asking questions, I'd answer them.

I would also think about how you are going to answer the kid's question about concrete things like will you be able to keep the house, or will he have to leave college. The answer might be "We are still figuring that out. For right now, I'm staying in the house, and we have a plan for paying your tuition for Spring semester." But if you don't know, don't promise.