What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have 2 concerns at this time:

1. How to make sure your kid continues to do well in college

and

2. How to pay for your kid's college

Hopefully you had #2 figured out before you chose to uncover your husband's affair and break up the marriage instead of letting the affair smolder. Most affairs eventually stop on their own if you just let them alone. Now this is a much messier situation that is harder to fix.

If you kind of got all emotional and did not really think #2 through, then you need to start thinking about it.

It is horrid, but there is most likely no legal recourse to make your husband pay for your child's college if they choose not to do it. If you are financially set, and kid's tution is all locked in within a dedicated fully funded 529 plan, that is great! Otherwise, you may find out your husband's priorities have waaaaaaaaaaay shifted now.

As to the substance of your question, say whatever you need to your kid to allow them to keep studying instead of getting depressed, or overly involved in this sordid affair. You are super focused on your own feelings of being betrayed right now. These are important, but if you can, talk them through with the therapist or something, and focus on supporting your child.

WTF?? Way to victim blame.

I'm doing everything I can NOT to play victim and I don't want to be seen as a victim. I am really trying to put together a list of steps I need to take to protect dc and myself financially, and dc emotionally as best as possible. There's some great advice here. There are some nasty responses but I take those with a grain of salt. Random attacks from internet strangers aren't piercing my armor right now. I have bigger fish to fry. The poster you are responding to has some axe to grind for whatever reason. That's their issue, not mine. But thanks for having my back

[Anonymous]

My father was having an affair and my parents got divorced nearly 25 years ago, when I was just out of college. My mother STILL rages about my father and makes it impossible to not be on edge for necessary family events like funerals, weddings, graduations, etc.

I was sympathetic at the time but I think she expected me to be mad at my father and cut off communication. I did not want to do that. While having an affair was not something I admired, my mother was also difficult to live with. My father has been married to the "other woman" for 25 years.

Long way of saying - do what you need to do but please don't make your child take sides, and don't dump your emotions on him/her. After 25 years I still hate the way my mother complains about my father and blames him for things he really had nothing to do with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son doesn’t deserve 2 lying parents do not do the bull shit answer… we couldn’t stay married.

1. You say dad is moving out, I don’t completely understand it right now. People go through things and your dad is going through something right now neither of us is going to understand.

2. I am keeping the house and you will always have a home at least until you have your own home. (My kids really needed to hear we were not selling the house)

3. We have enough money for college that is not a worry for us so it should not be a worry for you.

4. I am fine, I’m strong, intelligent, and independent. I have very close friends to be my support system.

5. You will need friends to support you don’t try to keep this a secret, you should talk to <fill in blank of best friend>. There is nothing shameful about your family going through a rough time don’t keep
This a secret.

6. Find a family therapist for him to talk to. Are you in MD? I could recommend someone.

He’s gonna be very upset so plan to do something after… go for a hike, a museum m, shopping, go for dinner/ice cream, movie.

Here is the thing… treat your H like he is having a mental health crisis because most likely he is. Seriously who leaves mid semester instead of at least waiting until exams are over, he’s a d!ck plain and simple.

Only 5% of affairs become relationships. I’d wait until the summer to say dad is living with someone if it ends up he is, because most likely that will blow up in his face.

I'd only change #1 to include your Dad is having an affair and decided to move out.

This is lying too. Op does know and understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father was having an affair and my parents got divorced nearly 25 years ago, when I was just out of college. My mother STILL rages about my father and makes it impossible to not be on edge for necessary family events like funerals, weddings, graduations, etc.

I was sympathetic at the time but I think she expected me to be mad at my father and cut off communication. I did not want to do that. While having an affair was not something I admired, my mother was also difficult to live with. My father has been married to the "other woman" for 25 years.

Long way of saying - do what you need to do but please don't make your child take sides, and don't dump your emotions on him/her. After 25 years I still hate the way my mother complains about my father and blames him for things he really had nothing to do with.

My parents divorced in my mid 20s and both handled it badly. It was the slow end to my relationship. My dad continued his crazy lifestyle. Mom got a boyfriend who was cold and mean to me and she turned me.

[Anonymous]

Call your child and tell them everything. It's time to trash this man who betrayed you and your family. Your child has the right to know how awful their dad is. They have the right to know he is a cheater.
You need to be the first to break the news to your child before your ex-husband does. He would tell them some BS.
If you have family around, you should plan to spend thanksgiving with them and have your child go with you. Let your ex-husband spend thanksgiving with his w*ore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call your child and tell them everything. It's time to trash this man who betrayed you and your family. Your child has the right to know how awful their dad is. They have the right to know he is a cheater.
You need to be the first to break the news to your child before your ex-husband does. He would tell them some BS.
If you have family around, you should plan to spend thanksgiving with them and have your child go with you. Let your ex-husband spend thanksgiving with his w*ore.

Do NOT do this. Do NOT make this the kid's issue. This is between the parents.

[Anonymous]

Just say your Dad asked for a divorce and he moved out. The kid can ask dad why he wants to divorce.

Would you feel differently if he just asked you for a divorce before the affair? People always say just leave before cheating, but the end result is the same..he doesn’t want to be married to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say your Dad asked for a divorce and he moved out. The kid can ask dad why he wants to divorce.

Would you feel differently if he just asked you for a divorce before the affair? People always say just leave before cheating, but the end result is the same..he doesn’t want to be married to you.

Yes I would feel differently because that would have allowed for some actual hard conversations that would not have changed the outcome but would have been a healthier way to end things. Men like this NEVER LEAVE unless there is someone else. It is absolutely textbook behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father was having an affair and my parents got divorced nearly 25 years ago, when I was just out of college. My mother STILL rages about my father and makes it impossible to not be on edge for necessary family events like funerals, weddings, graduations, etc.

I was sympathetic at the time but I think she expected me to be mad at my father and cut off communication. I did not want to do that. While having an affair was not something I admired, my mother was also difficult to live with. My father has been married to the "other woman" for 25 years.

Long way of saying - do what you need to do but please don't make your child take sides, and don't dump your emotions on him/her. After 25 years I still hate the way my mother complains about my father and blames him for things he really had nothing to do with.

Good advice

[Anonymous]

The conclusion I have drawn is that it is not that the DH does not love OP.

It is that the DH does not love the kids.

I can never imagine my DH hurting our kids in this manner. He may have his issues with me, but will never hurt the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call your child and tell them everything. It's time to trash this man who betrayed you and your family. Your child has the right to know how awful their dad is. They have the right to know he is a cheater.
You need to be the first to break the news to your child before your ex-husband does. He would tell them some BS.
If you have family around, you should plan to spend thanksgiving with them and have your child go with you. Let your ex-husband spend thanksgiving with his w*ore.

Very bad advice. This is not good for the kids.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine telling him while he is at school with no support system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just say your Dad asked for a divorce and he moved out. The kid can ask dad why he wants to divorce.

Would you feel differently if he just asked you for a divorce before the affair? People always say just leave before cheating, but the end result is the same..he doesn’t want to be married to you.

Yes I would feel differently because that would have allowed for some actual hard conversations that would not have changed the outcome but would have been a healthier way to end things. Men like this NEVER LEAVE unless there is someone else. It is absolutely textbook behavior.

He doesn’t want to be in the marriage, you are upset he didn’t give you the option to try to work it out. Just let him go, he wanted out the moment cheating was became an option for him.

[Anonymous]

You’ve got to tell him, gently and without detail but you can’t lie about this. He will find out eventually and feeling lied to will cause undue pain, confusion, and resentment. Keep it as short and simple as possible ie “your dad has met someone else and is moving out”.

Like everyone has said, make it clear that you are going to be ok and that you have sought out the support you need. Make it clear your child’s well being is your number 1 priority. Don’t talk about DH or your relationship or say anything negative about him. Tell your friends and family to do the same when in the presence of your child.

[Anonymous]

Your kid doesn't want to know who cheated on whom. We are divorcing. He is moving out.
The End.