Is this rude or not? (petty barbecue etiquette question)

[Anonymous]

very few people know this about me hut in 1997 my first cousin drowned in my grandparents family pool which we had for generations. when everyone is watching the pool… no one is watching the pool. i never, ever, ever am not in the actual pool if any of my kids (7-14) are in the pool. She may have had a similar trauma, like I said I tell almost
no one but just dont leave my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have let my 11 year old be in a pool where adults were "occasionally walking over to look, taking turns so that (hopefully) one adult was always watching". So, in this situation, my choices would be to stay by the pool the whole time. Getting in would have made that slightly less awkward since apparently you'd think I was rude rather than judgmental.

Were adults drinking?

No, you misunderstood. Adults were occasionally walking over to look IN ADDITION TO the one adult stationed at the pool to keep watch. There was always at least one adult there. And usually two, because someone would wander over to stand and talk with the one on watch. Then there was Friend A in the pool with her kid, ignoring everyone else, so I guess three adults.

If they were talking to the one on watch they were distracting them from watching. Water safety is such a big deal and I would be the same as the mom. You guys are totally off track here and I honestly probably wouldn’t want to come to your bbq again after hearing about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

This is my DH. Not as extreme and out kids are you get bit often he's the only adult in the pool and once it's clear no one else has an eye on them, he feels somewhat obligated to remain. He also.gets overheated so enjoys being in the water. Most parties we go to have adults in & out of the pool so he obviously does socialize in the pool and then also eats, talks to other adult guests etc. But frankly this doesn't seem that odd to me - if her 11yo DD didn't know anyone else and asked the mom to stay in the pool, so what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. In addition to my last comment re: someone always being stationed at the pool to watch, there were not "lots of kids" in the pool. Most of us didn't bring kids. Other than Friend A, only two other people brought kids. And the other kids eventually left the pool to play soccer on the lawn or read a book, or to sit by their mom and eat barbecue with the bigger group. Only Friend A and her kid remained in the pool, alone, for hours after the other kids left. They didn't even eat anything.

These extra details make me think the mom might have been trying to be a good companion to her 11-year-old, who was stuck at a gathering with kids she didn't know.

+1 I think that woman misread the whole situation. She probably thought there would be a bunch of kids and her DD would have company. Probably thought adults would be in and out of the pool since it's a pool party. Then instead it's mostly adults so no for for DD etc - it was probably just awkward and doubt she wants to return.

[Anonymous]

Why not just call her and ask her what was up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. In addition to my last comment re: someone always being stationed at the pool to watch, there were not "lots of kids" in the pool. Most of us didn't bring kids. Other than Friend A, only two other people brought kids. And the other kids eventually left the pool to play soccer on the lawn or read a book, or to sit by their mom and eat barbecue with the bigger group. Only Friend A and her kid remained in the pool, alone, for hours after the other kids left. They didn't even eat anything.

These extra details make me think the mom might have been trying to be a good companion to her 11-year-old, who was stuck at a gathering with kids she didn't know.

This was my thought too. If I told my 11 year old we were going to a pool party, with kids invited, and we showed up and no one was swimming, she would feel awkward. I’d probably try to help her have fun (she has social anxiety).

Another thought, maybe she felt awkward getting out the pool and being the only adult who was in a swimsuit, so she just stayed in the pool assuming someone would join. And judging the adults for being boring and not swimming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have let my 11 year old be in a pool where adults were "occasionally walking over to look, taking turns so that (hopefully) one adult was always watching". So, in this situation, my choices would be to stay by the pool the whole time. Getting in would have made that slightly less awkward since apparently you'd think I was rude rather than judgmental.

Were adults drinking?

No, you misunderstood. Adults were occasionally walking over to look IN ADDITION TO the one adult stationed at the pool to keep watch. There was always at least one adult there. And usually two, because someone would wander over to stand and talk with the one on watch. Then there was Friend A in the pool with her kid, ignoring everyone else, so I guess three adults.

Good God, lady. Stop! OP, you are determined to get someone to support your mean girl behavior where you plan to excommunicate someone for not living up to your social expectations. You suck. Also, who the hell hosts pool parties with friends from work? Who wants to check out their colleagues in bathing suites. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the host did not do a good job of introducing her to people and integrating her into adult conversation.

100%. Bad hosts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:very few people know this about me hut in 1997 my first cousin drowned in my grandparents family pool which we had for generations. when everyone is watching the pool… no one is watching the pool. i never, ever, ever am not in the actual pool if any of my kids (7-14) are in the pool. She may have had a similar trauma, like I said I tell almost
no one but just dont leave my children.

This. I was at a pool party a few years back where a girl nearly drowned because “adults were watching” which meant no one was watching. There were literally 8 adults within a few feet.

If you watch lifeguard, they aren’t eating while on duty. They aren’t chitchatting. They are 100% focused on the pool. They rotate stations every 15 minutes so that no one zones out or gets complacent.

I don’t trust “someone’s watching” because it usually means an adult is maybe next to the pool but is focused on talking to other adults or eating their food.

[Anonymous]

Rare DCUM unanimity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the host did not do a good job of introducing her to people and integrating her into adult conversation.

100%. Bad hosts.

+1
It might seem over the top but I paid, professional lifeguard would go a long way in allowing parents (and the hosts) to relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

Nobody asked her to be responsible. That was her choice.

And so you would freeze her out because she is more concerned about water safety? Maybe her kid is a weak swimmer. Maybe her kid has seizures and has to be watched closely. Maybe she had a sibling drown. Maybe she’s just highly conscientious and all the other adults were drunk.

We weren't drunk. Two of our good friends are Muslim, so out of respect for them we don't drink when they are invited. Nobody was drunk.

And again, there was always one adult stationed at the pool.

There was an adult watching Friend A and her kid when they were the only ones in the pool (for hours)?

[Anonymous]

It’s strange but I’d give her another chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

Nobody asked her to be responsible. That was her choice.

And so you would freeze her out because she is more concerned about water safety? Maybe her kid is a weak swimmer. Maybe her kid has seizures and has to be watched closely. Maybe she had a sibling drown. Maybe she’s just highly conscientious and all the other adults were drunk.

We weren't drunk. Two of our good friends are Muslim, so out of respect for them we don't drink when they are invited. Nobody was drunk.

And again, there was always one adult stationed at the pool.

There was an adult watching Friend A and her kid when they were the only ones in the pool (for hours)?

+1 yeah right

And why didn't this dedicated adult make conversation with "Friend A" since they were right by the pool?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

OP here. As I said, there was ALWAYS one adult watching the kids in the pool. Parents took turns in shifts to do this. They weren't sporadically watching the kids: there was always someone standing there watching.

Did you see the video recently of a pool party where the adults were "watching" the kids but a kid drowned anyway? I would rely on some random (and snotty) strangers to care for my kid.

The fact that you think this is rude is weird.