Is this rude or not? (petty barbecue etiquette question)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s rude is a group of grownups gossiping about her and agreeing not to invite her again.

+1

[Anonymous]

DH and I were at a backyard pool party many years ago. I looked over and saw a child was drifting on a float toward the deeper end of the pool. She tried to course correct, fell off and panicked. I must've been the only one to see her struggling and going under so I jumped in fully clothed and grabbed her.

For many reasons, the coworker in OP's story was not a weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

This

[Anonymous]

Did you or any of the adults go over to talk to her? You could’ve asked her how the water was and started from there. Asked her daughter what grade she’s in or if she’s on a swim team. Maybe she kept waiting for some other adults to get in the water, which never happened, then felt too self-conscious at being the only woman in a wet swimsuit among all the other adults in their dry party clothes.

If you invite this group again, don’t label it as a pool party. Don’t invite kids to come over to swim unless you’ll also hire a teen who is a certified lifeguard.

And yes, give her another chance because you weren’t exactly the perfect hostess here. You didn’t make all of your guests feel welcome, included and comfortable.

[Anonymous]

It is petty. Why can’t you just let her be?

[Anonymous]

You guys don't sound very welcoming to her and she probably picked up on it. Instead of being catty people, try to include her. Honestly she's better off not being friends with people like you.

[Anonymous]

If any of my friends acted like you I would seriously be reconsidering my friendship. You don't sound inviting, you talked about her behind her back and essentially acted like mean girls gossiping about her, and don't want to invite her again after one incident. I don't like to surround myself with people like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure about rude but definitely weird.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys don't sound very welcoming to her and she probably picked up on it. Instead of being catty people, try to include her. Honestly she's better off not being friends with people like you.

This.

If OP and friends are so catty that they’re texting and gossiping about the woman, she likely picked up on the vibe and stayed away.

If I hosted a party and one person didn’t feel involved with the group, I would take that as I was a terrible hostess and needed to do more to make her comfortable.

You could have gone over to the pool to chat with her, brought her food, asked if she wanted a break and you could watch her DD, etc.

[Anonymous]

You invited her and her kid to a party that included swimming…and you are mad at them for swimming? It isn’t like she went in the house and created an entirely new activity. She partook in the part of the even she was comfortable with AND that was offered to everyone. I don’t see the issue.

[Anonymous]

Did anyone sit by the pool and talk to them? It sounds awkward overall. If I didn’t expect guests in the pool the whole time I would not have made it available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the host did not do a good job of introducing her to people and integrating her into adult conversation.

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the host did not do a good job of introducing her to people and integrating her into adult conversation.

THIS

Yes.

[Anonymous]

“If I invite someone to my pool party and they spend the whole time in the pool, is that rude?”

[Anonymous]

I would need more information about the seating, activities, and other people at the party. I do think it's odd that she and her daughter didn't eat anything. Maybe her daughter was uncomfortable and she promised she wouldn't leave her side. Maybe safety concerns. Maybe food options weren't interesting to her - celiac, allergies, etc. Maybe she didn't realize that the adults would be scrutinizing her actions and she went to a pool party/BBQ to have fun with her daughter. Did she say hi to anyone?