Is this rude or not? (petty barbecue etiquette question)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

Nobody asked her to be responsible. That was her choice.

And so you would freeze her out because she is more concerned about water safety? Maybe her kid is a weak swimmer. Maybe her kid has seizures and has to be watched closely. Maybe she had a sibling drown. Maybe she’s just highly conscientious and all the other adults were drunk.

We weren't drunk. Two of our good friends are Muslim, so out of respect for them we don't drink when they are invited. Nobody was drunk.

And again, there was always one adult stationed at the pool.

why did you write this then OP?

“The other adults sat together, eating, enjoying some drinks, and talking”

[Anonymous]

Many child drownings occur at party settings in which there are a lot of adults around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have let my 11 year old be in a pool where adults were "occasionally walking over to look, taking turns so that (hopefully) one adult was always watching". So, in this situation, my choices would be to stay by the pool the whole time. Getting in would have made that slightly less awkward since apparently you'd think I was rude rather than judgmental.

Were adults drinking?

Why can’t your 11 year old swim? Most 11 year olds don’t need constant supervision in the pool.

Ahh there’s the judgment. That’s what it is with you people - admit it - it’s finding something to judge and bond over gossiping about it. If it wasn’t A staying in the pool it would be something else.

It’s not judgmental to think “these people aren’t watching their kids well enough for my anxiety so I’m going to park myself here all day and play lifeguard.”?

No, that's not judgmental. That's how anxiety works. Be thankful you don't experience it and can't relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

And there is the flip side.

Ps it wasn’t rude per se, maybe weird and next time I am by them, it would be no kids so we could get to know each other and talk.

[Anonymous]

It could be that she and/or her daughter face social anxiety, and even going was a big step. Being kind and inclusive is always the answer, unless the person you invite or their kid are being mean or hurtful or something like that.

I honestly don’t know how “should we be nice and inclusive” is even a question. The mom and kid playing in the pool weren’t engaging much with anyone, but they weren’t hurting anyone and they weren’t stopping others from enjoying the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have let my 11 year old be in a pool where adults were "occasionally walking over to look, taking turns so that (hopefully) one adult was always watching". So, in this situation, my choices would be to stay by the pool the whole time. Getting in would have made that slightly less awkward since apparently you'd think I was rude rather than judgmental.

Were adults drinking?

Why can’t your 11 year old swim? Most 11 year olds don’t need constant supervision in the pool.

Ahh there’s the judgment. That’s what it is with you people - admit it - it’s finding something to judge and bond over gossiping about it. If it wasn’t A staying in the pool it would be something else.

It’s not judgmental to think “these people aren’t watching their kids well enough for my anxiety so I’m going to park myself here all day and play lifeguard.”?

Are you going to socially punish her for having anxiety over water safety? And yes, it’s quite reasonable not to trust random people she’s never met.

Ok? So don’t go to their parties if you don’t like, know, or trust them. Easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have let my 11 year old be in a pool where adults were "occasionally walking over to look, taking turns so that (hopefully) one adult was always watching". So, in this situation, my choices would be to stay by the pool the whole time. Getting in would have made that slightly less awkward since apparently you'd think I was rude rather than judgmental.

Were adults drinking?

Why can’t your 11 year old swim? Most 11 year olds don’t need constant supervision in the pool.

Ahh there’s the judgment. That’s what it is with you people - admit it - it’s finding something to judge and bond over gossiping about it. If it wasn’t A staying in the pool it would be something else.

It’s not judgmental to think “these people aren’t watching their kids well enough for my anxiety so I’m going to park myself here all day and play lifeguard.”?

No, that's not judgmental. That's how anxiety works. Be thankful you don't experience it and can't relate.

Of course it’s judgmental. I’m a better parent than you. Look at you not swimming with your tweens who are perfectly capable. Nah, pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have let my 11 year old be in a pool where adults were "occasionally walking over to look, taking turns so that (hopefully) one adult was always watching". So, in this situation, my choices would be to stay by the pool the whole time. Getting in would have made that slightly less awkward since apparently you'd think I was rude rather than judgmental.

Were adults drinking?

Why can’t your 11 year old swim? Most 11 year olds don’t need constant supervision in the pool.

Ahh there’s the judgment. That’s what it is with you people - admit it - it’s finding something to judge and bond over gossiping about it. If it wasn’t A staying in the pool it would be something else.

I absolutely judge this person and fully admit it. That’s not normal to hover over an 11 year old. Lady probably has social anxiety and uses her kid to avoid people. Not rude but odd. And frankly pretty sad.

Not OP just a random poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

This +1
As I read the OP I was thinking along these lines. That the friend got in the pool planning to be in for a bit but then with other kids joining and no adults, felt obligated to stay for safety reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

This +1
As I read the OP I was thinking along these lines. That the friend got in the pool planning to be in for a bit but then with other kids joining and no adults, felt obligated to stay for safety reasons.

You don’t have to be physically in the pool to observe kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have let my 11 year old be in a pool where adults were "occasionally walking over to look, taking turns so that (hopefully) one adult was always watching". So, in this situation, my choices would be to stay by the pool the whole time. Getting in would have made that slightly less awkward since apparently you'd think I was rude rather than judgmental.

Were adults drinking?

Why can’t your 11 year old swim? Most 11 year olds don’t need constant supervision in the pool.

Ahh there’s the judgment. That’s what it is with you people - admit it - it’s finding something to judge and bond over gossiping about it. If it wasn’t A staying in the pool it would be something else.

I absolutely judge this person and fully admit it. That’s not normal to hover over an 11 year old. Lady probably has social anxiety and uses her kid to avoid people. Not rude but odd. And frankly pretty sad.

Not OP just a random poster.

“Pretty sad”. You guys are so judgmental!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have let my 11 year old be in a pool where adults were "occasionally walking over to look, taking turns so that (hopefully) one adult was always watching". So, in this situation, my choices would be to stay by the pool the whole time. Getting in would have made that slightly less awkward since apparently you'd think I was rude rather than judgmental.

Were adults drinking?

Why can’t your 11 year old swim? Most 11 year olds don’t need constant supervision in the pool.

Ahh there’s the judgment. That’s what it is with you people - admit it - it’s finding something to judge and bond over gossiping about it. If it wasn’t A staying in the pool it would be something else.

I absolutely judge this person and fully admit it. That’s not normal to hover over an 11 year old. Lady probably has social anxiety and uses her kid to avoid people. Not rude but odd. And frankly pretty sad.

Not OP just a random poster.

“Pretty sad”. You guys are so judgmental!!

It’s pretty easy to judge strangers based on a situation everyone here wasn’t actually involved in. No actual feelings are hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be that she and/or her daughter face social anxiety, and even going was a big step. Being kind and inclusive is always the answer, unless the person you invite or their kid are being mean or hurtful or something like that.

I honestly don’t know how “should we be nice and inclusive” is even a question. The mom and kid playing in the pool weren’t engaging much with anyone, but they weren’t hurting anyone and they weren’t stopping others from enjoying the day.

Because OP’s social group revolves around appearances and judging.

[Anonymous]

maybe the 11 year old isn’t a strong swimmer. I don’t see what the problem is. OP why didn’t most people bring their kids to this no drinking bbq?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have let my 11 year old be in a pool where adults were "occasionally walking over to look, taking turns so that (hopefully) one adult was always watching". So, in this situation, my choices would be to stay by the pool the whole time. Getting in would have made that slightly less awkward since apparently you'd think I was rude rather than judgmental.

Were adults drinking?

Why can’t your 11 year old swim? Most 11 year olds don’t need constant supervision in the pool.

Ahh there’s the judgment. That’s what it is with you people - admit it - it’s finding something to judge and bond over gossiping about it. If it wasn’t A staying in the pool it would be something else.

I absolutely judge this person and fully admit it. That’s not normal to hover over an 11 year old. Lady probably has social anxiety and uses her kid to avoid people. Not rude but odd. And frankly pretty sad.

Not OP just a random poster.

NP. You know, if you had a kid with social anxiety, you’d be all over this type of commentary. How about, yes, it’s atypical, but now that we know more about social anxiety, people on the spectrum, ADHD, etc, we don’t have to comment on those things in unproductive ways. “It sounds like one or both of them deals with social anxiety, so it’s great they made an effort to come out. Hopefully with more invites, they’ll feel more comfortable engaging more with others.”

There you go, PP. It’s really not that hard not to be a mean human.