Is this rude or not? (petty barbecue etiquette question)

[Anonymous]

My husband was a lifeguard for many years. Most drowning deaths occur in situations like the OP is describing. No way was an adult standing sentry watching the pool.

OP - YTA

[Anonymous]

i think nice of her to be the lifeguard. bit weird to not socialize at ALL but would be so happy if someone did this at our pool so we could hang!

[Anonymous]

So what steps did the hosts take to draw her into the adult group? Isn't that kind of their obligation with a new person or an invitee who seems disengaged from the group?

Every so often I lose myself in a 19th century English novel, currently Middlemarch. George Eliot would have some observations sympathetic to the guest, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what steps did the hosts take to draw her into the adult group? Isn't that kind of their obligation with a new person or an invitee who seems disengaged from the group?

Every so often I lose myself in a 19th century English novel, currently Middlemarch. George Eliot would have some observations sympathetic to the guest, I think.

Same pp--I should add, the 11 year old. I assume since the mom was a new person, so was the 11 year old.

The more I think about this, the more I think it was totally on the hosts. And when other guests noticed, on them as well.

[Anonymous]

It ... wasn't great, but maybe she was nervous and this was her way of dealing with it. I'd invite her one more time, to an adults-only thing with fewer people and see how that goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. In addition to my last comment re: someone always being stationed at the pool to watch, there were not "lots of kids" in the pool. Most of us didn't bring kids. Other than Friend A, only two other people brought kids. And the other kids eventually left the pool to play soccer on the lawn or read a book, or to sit by their mom and eat barbecue with the bigger group. Only Friend A and her kid remained in the pool, alone, for hours after the other kids left. They didn't even eat anything.

These extra details make me think the mom might have been trying to be a good companion to her 11-year-old, who was stuck at a gathering with kids she didn't know.

I do this with my kid a lot.

Op you are giving off a rude vibe. I'm thinking you and your friends were all giving off a snobby vibe (considering you gossipped about how rude she was). If she's a socially anxious person she probably felt like the more she stayed in the pool, the more you all were judging her so she didn't know what to do.

Why didn't you go sit by the pool and start a conversation with her? Offer to grab her a drink?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. In addition to my last comment re: someone always being stationed at the pool to watch, there were not "lots of kids" in the pool. Most of us didn't bring kids. Other than Friend A, only two other people brought kids. And the other kids eventually left the pool to play soccer on the lawn or read a book, or to sit by their mom and eat barbecue with the bigger group. Only Friend A and her kid remained in the pool, alone, for hours after the other kids left. They didn't even eat anything.

These extra details make me think the mom might have been trying to be a good companion to her 11-year-old, who was stuck at a gathering with kids she didn't know.

I do this with my kid a lot.

Op you are giving off a rude vibe. I'm thinking you and your friends were all giving off a snobby vibe (considering you gossipped about how rude she was). If she's a socially anxious person she probably felt like the more she stayed in the pool, the more you all were judging her so she didn't know what to do.

Why didn't you go sit by the pool and start a conversation with her? Offer to grab her a drink?

This is silly. She can still use her daughter as a social crutch if she needs to. After some time she should have told her daughter to get out of the pool with her so they could get something to eat and the mother could have made the rounds, talked to people, introduced her daughter, etc. She’s with her daughter, not alone, so it’s not like she wouldn’t have anyone to talk to. Are people this socially clueless?

[Anonymous]

As someone often in situations with kids and people with no kids I hate when I'm stuck with my kids and nobody comes to hang out with me (for example, I need to be with them outside but the party is inside and NOT ONE PERSON can come sit on the deck with me because *they* don't have kids) ... I'm sure she was like - what the hell, I'm here, my kid wants to be in the pool and doesn't know anyone, I'm not going to abandon her yet none of these adults can pull themselves away to sit on the side and chat with me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone often in situations with kids and people with no kids I hate when I'm stuck with my kids and nobody comes to hang out with me (for example, I need to be with them outside but the party is inside and NOT ONE PERSON can come sit on the deck with me because *they* don't have kids) ... I'm sure she was like - what the hell, I'm here, my kid wants to be in the pool and doesn't know anyone, I'm not going to abandon her yet none of these adults can pull themselves away to sit on the side and chat with me?

She swam for hours though. I would have told my kid enough at some point. That’s a lot of sun and pool water. It’s ok to tell your kids it’s time to get out, take a break, drink water, use the restroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a high-stakes, super important issue. This is petty, but we are petty people who are debating this issue now. Weigh in!

Scenario: Larlette has a barbecue by her pool, inviting friends and some people from work. The barbecue includes a mix of singles and married people. The invitation specifies that family/children of the invitee are welcome.

Friend A shows up with her 11 year old daughter, then proceeds to spend several hours in the pool playing with her child and a few other kids who showed up with their parents. The other parents were occasionally walking over to keep an eye on the kids, taking turns to have one person always remaining to look over the pool. Friend A just stayed in the pool with her daughter the entire time.

The other adults sat together, eating, enjoying some drinks, and talking. Friend A never once sat with the adults, and only spoke to the host and other adults to say hello and then to announce she was leaving after she and her daughter finally left the pool in the evening.

Was Friend A rude, or was it OK for her to avoid the host and adults at the barbecue and spend the whole time in the pool with her 11 year old?

Friend A is newish to the group and this was the first time she's been invited to a barbecue or get-together. Some of the ladies are saying we shouldn't bother inviting her again, but others think this was OK.

I think she was uncomfortable socializng with the adults, is she a sahm? A barbeque like that would be my worst nightmare if I was with unfamilar people and I was there with my DD. I would atleast need my DH and knw some people closely.

[Anonymous]

It isn’t weird. It’s a party. You’re hosting in your whole total available area. You aren’t telling the guests where to be.

Maybe someone should have sat poolside for a little and chatted with her.

[Anonymous]

We'd absolutely supervise our kid over socializing. They should have hired a life guard.

[Anonymous]

You’re right- this is SUPER petty and I can’t believe it’s even being discussed. Leave people alone. It doesn’t sound like anyone made an effort to include this woman and her kid anyway. I can’t imagine ever excluding someone because they were hanging out with their kid at the party (especially if they weren’t really familiar with the other guests there).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We'd absolutely supervise our kid over socializing. They should have hired a life guard.

You could easily do both. Every hour take a break from the pool. Otherwise it seems like the mother and daughter were just using the hosts for access to their pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

Pool owner here. I've been that person at some pool parties, for safety reasons. In fact, once I even rescued a kid who was trapped under an overturned raft.