Is this rude or not? (petty barbecue etiquette question)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was a lifeguard for many years. Most drowning deaths occur in situations like the OP is describing. No way was an adult standing sentry watching the pool.

OP - YTA

This was my read on the scenario too. I never ever trust that others are watching a pool if my kids are in it, they’re on my watch. I’ve seen two close calls at separate events that scare me to this day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was nervous about joining an established group. Maybe she didn't get any pool time with her daughter all summer. Maybe she thought the other adults weren't doing enough supervising so felt compelled to babysit.

If you shun her for this, she'll have been right to avoid all of you!

+1

Let’s not let one act keep you from inviting someone back to something.

Try her sometime without out her kid in a possible drowning situation.

[Anonymous]

Try inviting her to a different event that doesn't involve swimming or a pool party. You'll then see how she acts in a different environment.

[Anonymous]

I still want to know:

Did Larlette once talk to this guest, introduce her to other guests, introduce her daughter to other kids?

Far as I'm concerned, that's the question to ask.

[Anonymous]

Good for her! Horrible that nobody joined her.

[Anonymous]

Not rude. And I highly doubt the other parents were as eagle-eyed as you claim. I'm not saying Friend A was doing anyone a favor by being in the pool with the kids, but I just doubt the veracity of that portion of your story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

OP here. As I said, there was ALWAYS one adult watching the kids in the pool. Parents took turns in shifts to do this. They weren't sporadically watching the kids: there was always someone standing there watching.

Assuming this is true, which I doubt, did that parent on watch ever try to converse with Parent A? Because that would be the normal thing to do - sit and put your foot in the pool near where she was and strike up a conversation. Standing there watching her is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

OP here. As I said, there was ALWAYS one adult watching the kids in the pool. Parents took turns in shifts to do this. They weren't sporadically watching the kids: there was always someone standing there watching.

OP again. In addition to my last comment re: someone always being stationed at the pool to watch, there were not "lots of kids" in the pool. Most of us didn't bring kids. Other than Friend A, only two other people brought kids. And the other kids eventually left the pool to play soccer on the lawn or read a book, or to sit by their mom and eat barbecue with the bigger group. Only Friend A and her kid remained in the pool, alone, for hours after the other kids left. They didn't even eat anything.

Her kid had no friends in the pool so she stayed with her kid in the pool to play with her and you...want to judge her for being a bad guest? Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

OP here. As I said, there was ALWAYS one adult watching the kids in the pool. Parents took turns in shifts to do this. They weren't sporadically watching the kids: there was always someone standing there watching.

I don’t actually believe this, especially given they were all drinking too? My 11 is not a strong swimmer and I would not rely on random drunk adults to supervise. I might have him wear a life jacket, but then you unbearable gossips would be texting about how my big kid can’t swim.

OP were you the host? Are you seriously all ganging up on this lady by text? You and your group sound frankly awful and I think there is a GOOD chance that A sensed your exclusionary and gossipy nature and felt uncomfortable.

+1,000

She just picked up what you were putting down. You're not just petty, OP. There are better words for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have let my 11 year old be in a pool where adults were "occasionally walking over to look, taking turns so that (hopefully) one adult was always watching". So, in this situation, my choices would be to stay by the pool the whole time. Getting in would have made that slightly less awkward since apparently you'd think I was rude rather than judgmental.

Were adults drinking?

Why can’t your 11 year old swim? Most 11 year olds don’t need constant supervision in the pool.

Ahh there’s the judgment. That’s what it is with you people - admit it - it’s finding something to judge and bond over gossiping about it. If it wasn’t A staying in the pool it would be something else.

It’s not judgmental to think “these people aren’t watching their kids well enough for my anxiety so I’m going to park myself here all day and play lifeguard.”?

Are you going to socially punish her for having anxiety over water safety? And yes, it’s quite reasonable not to trust random people she’s never met.

Ok? So don’t go to their parties if you don’t like, know, or trust them. Easy.

Sounds like A and her kid had a great time at the party. So why shouldn't they have gone? Because her level of trust wasn't high enough for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. In addition to my last comment re: someone always being stationed at the pool to watch, there were not "lots of kids" in the pool. Most of us didn't bring kids. Other than Friend A, only two other people brought kids. And the other kids eventually left the pool to play soccer on the lawn or read a book, or to sit by their mom and eat barbecue with the bigger group. Only Friend A and her kid remained in the pool, alone, for hours after the other kids left. They didn't even eat anything.

These extra details make me think the mom might have been trying to be a good companion to her 11-year-old, who was stuck at a gathering with kids she didn't know.

I do this with my kid a lot.

Op you are giving off a rude vibe. I'm thinking you and your friends were all giving off a snobby vibe (considering you gossipped about how rude she was). If she's a socially anxious person she probably felt like the more she stayed in the pool, the more you all were judging her so she didn't know what to do.

Why didn't you go sit by the pool and start a conversation with her? Offer to grab her a drink?

This is silly. She can still use her daughter as a social crutch if she needs to. After some time she should have told her daughter to get out of the pool with her so they could get something to eat and the mother could have made the rounds, talked to people, introduced her daughter, etc. She’s with her daughter, not alone, so it’s not like she wouldn’t have anyone to talk to. Are people this socially clueless?

Oh definitely. But op and the host could have opted to be friendlier and gracious. They should have made an effort instead of gossipping about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was she wearing? Maybe she stayed in the water because she thought it was a real pool party and not a “pool party” where nobody really gets in the water

Also, was she looking good in a bikini and that's where OP's ire is really coming from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

OP here. As I said, there was ALWAYS one adult watching the kids in the pool. Parents took turns in shifts to do this. They weren't sporadically watching the kids: there was always someone standing there watching.

OP again. In addition to my last comment re: someone always being stationed at the pool to watch, there were not "lots of kids" in the pool. Most of us didn't bring kids. Other than Friend A, only two other people brought kids. And the other kids eventually left the pool to play soccer on the lawn or read a book, or to sit by their mom and eat barbecue with the bigger group. Only Friend A and her kid remained in the pool, alone, for hours after the other kids left. They didn't even eat anything.

Her kid had no friends in the pool so she stayed with her kid in the pool to play with her and you...want to judge her for being a bad guest? Sheesh.

Yeah I mean everything about this is awkward. Coworkers at a pool party, people probably not sure if they want to actually wear bathing suits and go on. Kids welcome but very few came. I feel like this Friend A just didn't know what to do, esp when she showed up with her kid and saw so few other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We'd absolutely supervise our kid over socializing. They should have hired a life guard.

You could easily do both. Every hour take a break from the pool. Otherwise it seems like the mother and daughter were just using the hosts for access to their pool.

This is the most pathetic response to this. Someone is invited to a pool party and you think using the pool then constitutes using the host? So if I'm invited to a dinner party and I *checks notes* eat the food, am I also using the host?

[Anonymous]

Oh, OK. You really want to make something out of nothing.