Is this rude or not? (petty barbecue etiquette question)

[Anonymous]

So funny that a bunch of women at a cookout don’t understand why mom would be in a pool with her child instead of ignoring their children, drinking, gossiping.

[Anonymous]

My child almost drowned in a pool during a swimming lesson with multiple lifeguards because there was miscommunication about who was watching who. So no, I don’t find this odd at all that she was in the pool with her child when you have no idea the child’s swimming ability, comfort level, the potential behavior of the other kids in the pool, And no other adults watching. I don’t buy this rotating adult watching the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So funny that a bunch of women at a cookout don’t understand why mom would be in a pool with her child instead of ignoring their children, drinking, gossiping.

+ 1

You are soooooooooo petty OP. I'm surprised you have friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They actually talked about her after and considered not inviting her again??

Wtf. I think guest A either correctly sensed this is not the type of group she wants to spend time with; or as suggested, wanted to keep a close eye on the swimmers.

In any event, as the mom of a kid on the spectrum, it never ceases to amaze me how a cornerstone of many supposedly typical people’s social lives is judging, excluding, and jumping to conclusions. So much for all y’all’s greater empathy.

WTAF? Way ruder than a woman hanging out with her kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We'd absolutely supervise our kid over socializing. They should have hired a life guard.

You could easily do both. Every hour take a break from the pool. Otherwise it seems like the mother and daughter were just using the hosts for access to their pool.

This is the most pathetic response to this. Someone is invited to a pool party and you think using the pool then constitutes using the host? So if I'm invited to a dinner party and I *checks notes* eat the food, am I also using the host?

Yes, yes I do. For hours. That’s a bit much. I have no qualms about telling my kid to take a break especially after being in the hot sun for hours so that I can say hi to people.

[Anonymous]

Freind A sounds mentally stunted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So funny that a bunch of women at a cookout don’t understand why mom would be in a pool with her child instead of ignoring their children, drinking, gossiping.

I had a similar situation with some families over for dinner. There was a dad with kids who I really liked who I met at the playground so I invited them. This was my first time meeting the mom. She did not eat or drink anything, did not really even greet anyone other than a broad "Hi", and spent the whole time playing water guns with the large group of kids (no pool).
I'll be honest, it did bother me. It would have been polite to have something to eat and exchange 5 or 10 minutes of conversation with the people who are hosting you. I was really hoping to make friends with this lady since our kids got along so well. And since this is anonymous I'll admit that this lady was 10/10 model gorgeous so there was an element of feeling like she thought she was better than me.
There is a phenomenon where parents are so hyperfocused on their kids that they completely forget how to socialize with adults. You see this all the time at the playground where parents are narrating their kids' activities and can't be bothered to even make eye contact with their peers. Your children will grow up and have their own social lives. Most of us would like to have adult friends. I know everyone on DCUM has SOOOO many friends and no time for more but many of us do not and are trying actively to make them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a high-stakes, super important issue. This is petty, but we are petty people who are debating this issue now. Weigh in!

Scenario: Larlette has a barbecue by her pool, inviting friends and some people from work. The barbecue includes a mix of singles and married people. The invitation specifies that family/children of the invitee are welcome.

Friend A shows up with her 11 year old daughter, then proceeds to spend several hours in the pool playing with her child and a few other kids who showed up with their parents. The other parents were occasionally walking over to keep an eye on the kids, taking turns to have one person always remaining to look over the pool. Friend A just stayed in the pool with her daughter the entire time.

The other adults sat together, eating, enjoying some drinks, and talking. Friend A never once sat with the adults, and only spoke to the host and other adults to say hello and then to announce she was leaving after she and her daughter finally left the pool in the evening.

Was Friend A rude, or was it OK for her to avoid the host and adults at the barbecue and spend the whole time in the pool with her 11 year old?

Friend A is newish to the group and this was the first time she's been invited to a barbecue or get-together. Some of the ladies are saying we shouldn't bother inviting her again, but others think this was OK.

Several hours? Ok, sure.

[Anonymous]

I don’t necessarily think that it is rude.

Maybe the 11yo has special needs or social anxiety. Can the 11yo swim?

I have a 7yo and I would want to keep an eye on her. I don’t think I would want an adult checking in on them occasionally.

[Anonymous]

I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she doesn’t get to spend much time with her daughter - split custody? crazy work schedule? One of my kids is painfully shy and would beg me to stay with her the whole time. There’s no way she would go play soccer with kids she didn’t know, but if it were me, I would swim for a little and then have her join me with the other moms and at least chat for a little bit. Maybe the mom is really shy and wasn’t sure how to go about joining the other adults?

I would definitely find the behavior a little odd, but not especially rude. I wouldn’t cut her out of the friend group over this, especially if she is new!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So funny that a bunch of women at a cookout don’t understand why mom would be in a pool with her child instead of ignoring their children, drinking, gossiping.

I had a similar situation with some families over for dinner. There was a dad with kids who I really liked who I met at the playground so I invited them. This was my first time meeting the mom. She did not eat or drink anything, did not really even greet anyone other than a broad "Hi", and spent the whole time playing water guns with the large group of kids (no pool).
I'll be honest, it did bother me. It would have been polite to have something to eat and exchange 5 or 10 minutes of conversation with the people who are hosting you. I was really hoping to make friends with this lady since our kids got along so well. And since this is anonymous I'll admit that this lady was 10/10 model gorgeous so there was an element of feeling like she thought she was better than me.
There is a phenomenon where parents are so hyperfocused on their kids that they completely forget how to socialize with adults. You see this all the time at the playground where parents are narrating their kids' activities and can't be bothered to even make eye contact with their peers. Your children will grow up and have their own social lives. Most of us would like to have adult friends. I know everyone on DCUM has SOOOO many friends and no time for more but many of us do not and are trying actively to make them.

But what happened when you, as the host, approached her for conversation? It goes both ways, and you left that part out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“My new friends invited me to a barbecue at their house with a pool. There was no lifeguard and lots of kids in the pool. The parents were only watching the kids sporadically, so I felt for safety I had to spend the entire bbq watching everyone else’s kids since rhe other parents just kept walking away to focus on their conversations and food. Do you think my new friends like me or are just using me for free babysitting? Also who has a pool party where the adults don’t get in the pool??”

I feel seen.

I was assuming other adults would come in eventually! But then I realized the kids were more fun. Less judgemental, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So funny that a bunch of women at a cookout don’t understand why mom would be in a pool with her child instead of ignoring their children, drinking, gossiping.

I had a similar situation with some families over for dinner. There was a dad with kids who I really liked who I met at the playground so I invited them. This was my first time meeting the mom. She did not eat or drink anything, did not really even greet anyone other than a broad "Hi", and spent the whole time playing water guns with the large group of kids (no pool).
I'll be honest, it did bother me. It would have been polite to have something to eat and exchange 5 or 10 minutes of conversation with the people who are hosting you. I was really hoping to make friends with this lady since our kids got along so well. And since this is anonymous I'll admit that this lady was 10/10 model gorgeous so there was an element of feeling like she thought she was better than me.
There is a phenomenon where parents are so hyperfocused on their kids that they completely forget how to socialize with adults. You see this all the time at the playground where parents are narrating their kids' activities and can't be bothered to even make eye contact with their peers. Your children will grow up and have their own social lives. Most of us would like to have adult friends. I know everyone on DCUM has SOOOO many friends and no time for more but many of us do not and are trying actively to make them.

I totally want to be your friend. I just get shy around other adults so hanging with the kids is easier. I usually try to enter adult conversations first but give up when it seems like it's hard to get a word on edgewise or everyone knows each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They actually talked about her after and considered not inviting her again??

Wtf. I think guest A either correctly sensed this is not the type of group she wants to spend time with; or as suggested, wanted to keep a close eye on the swimmers.

In any event, as the mom of a kid on the spectrum, it never ceases to amaze me how a cornerstone of many supposedly typical people’s social lives is judging, excluding, and jumping to conclusions. So much for all y’all’s greater empathy.

This. Mom A probably wanted to keep an eye on her swimmer for unknown reasons. Y’all’s immediate jump to judgement is not a great look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We'd absolutely supervise our kid over socializing. They should have hired a life guard.

You could easily do both. Every hour take a break from the pool. Otherwise it seems like the mother and daughter were just using the hosts for access to their pool.

This is the most pathetic response to this. Someone is invited to a pool party and you think using the pool then constitutes using the host? So if I'm invited to a dinner party and I *checks notes* eat the food, am I also using the host?

Yes, yes I do. For hours. That’s a bit much. I have no qualms about telling my kid to take a break especially after being in the hot sun for hours so that I can say hi to people.

Some of us have no qualms about letting a kid enjoy the pool at a pool party. "Every hour take a break from the pool"? Why, if they like the pool.

If the guest came alone, got in the pool, and proceeded to swim laps for an hour, then got out and went home, *that* would be inappropriate. Otherwise, the person who stays and watches the kids in the pool is picking up your slack.