Is this an American mom thing or specific to my kids school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the UK and I've found that one real barrier to making friends here (or rather to having deeper friendships) has been this one - what seems to be cultural - difference around sharing parenting challenges. In the UK it's tacitly understood for the most part that if you share something that's hard about parenting, unless you specifically ask, you're not looking for advice but more so solidarity or to laugh about it or just to share and feel less alone or incompetent. Among the moms at my kids school I find almost universally that if i share something that's hard, they give me advice. For me personally it's a real barrier to friendships bc a. I often don't need or want advice per se and b. it sort of stops any kind of bonding or even really conversation in its tracks.
Is this an american cultural thing where if someone shares something hard it's assumed they want input or is my school different in some way? would love to find a tribe that I can laugh about my kids imitating youtubers rather than hear a 15 minute diatribe on how someone else is crushing it with not letting this happen.

But giving advice, to us is bonding! If you share something and I have experienced it too and 'solved' that shared problem than why are you against hearing solutions. It seems if you really want a tribe you have to lower your barriers or move back to England.

NO ONE NEEDS YOUR ADVICE.

I’m brash and loud in response because I’m an American! Go “bond” with your husband if he isn’t able to make a clean getaway or dive into his phone first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the UK and I've found that one real barrier to making friends here (or rather to having deeper friendships) has been this one - what seems to be cultural - difference around sharing parenting challenges. In the UK it's tacitly understood for the most part that if you share something that's hard about parenting, unless you specifically ask, you're not looking for advice but more so solidarity or to laugh about it or just to share and feel less alone or incompetent. Among the moms at my kids school I find almost universally that if i share something that's hard, they give me advice. For me personally it's a real barrier to friendships bc a. I often don't need or want advice per se and b. it sort of stops any kind of bonding or even really conversation in its tracks.
Is this an american cultural thing where if someone shares something hard it's assumed they want input or is my school different in some way? would love to find a tribe that I can laugh about my kids imitating youtubers rather than hear a 15 minute diatribe on how someone else is crushing it with not letting this happen.

But giving advice, to us is bonding! If you share something and I have experienced it too and 'solved' that shared problem than why are you against hearing solutions. It seems if you really want a tribe you have to lower your barriers or move back to England.

I am American and I find getting advice in response to just trying to commiserate about some difficult aspect of parenting extremely off-putting. I also think people who give a lot of advice often over-estimate their knowledge or assume that because they "solved" an issue like kids fighting bedtime or picky eating or potty training or whatever for their own kid that they are experts and should be telling others what to do. But what works for one kid often doesn't work for another and also solutions to problems like this are often very family specific -- it depends on your schedule and your marriage and the layout of your house and a bunch of factors that vary a lot. Often advice-givers ignore all these factors (because they think the problem got solved due to their expert parenting only) and will even argue with you if you say "no I can't do that" and then get mad at you because you won't take their advice when they are "just trying to help."

I guarantee there are people in your orbit you absolutely hate your advice-giving and just tolerate it out of politeness.

Maybe we are also tired of you complaining about the same issue over and over. Either stop complaining to us or do something! Btw, if I get the vibe that people don't want advice I stop.

When you write “we,” do you mean you and all of the voices in your head?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the UK and I've found that one real barrier to making friends here (or rather to having deeper friendships) has been this one - what seems to be cultural - difference around sharing parenting challenges. In the UK it's tacitly understood for the most part that if you share something that's hard about parenting, unless you specifically ask, you're not looking for advice but more so solidarity or to laugh about it or just to share and feel less alone or incompetent. Among the moms at my kids school I find almost universally that if i share something that's hard, they give me advice. For me personally it's a real barrier to friendships bc a. I often don't need or want advice per se and b. it sort of stops any kind of bonding or even really conversation in its tracks.
Is this an american cultural thing where if someone shares something hard it's assumed they want input or is my school different in some way? would love to find a tribe that I can laugh about my kids imitating youtubers rather than hear a 15 minute diatribe on how someone else is crushing it with not letting this happen.

But giving advice, to us is bonding! If you share something and I have experienced it too and 'solved' that shared problem than why are you against hearing solutions. It seems if you really want a tribe you have to lower your barriers or move back to England.

NO ONE NEEDS YOUR ADVICE.

I’m brash and loud in response because I’m an American! Go “bond” with your husband if he isn’t able to make a clean getaway or dive into his phone first.

hmmm are you new to this forum? People pose a problem or a comment and then ask for advice. And by shouting it is you that sound mentally unwell.

Perhaps you should lie down, have a cup of tea and avoid this forum which has upset you greatly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the UK and I've found that one real barrier to making friends here (or rather to having deeper friendships) has been this one - what seems to be cultural - difference around sharing parenting challenges. In the UK it's tacitly understood for the most part that if you share something that's hard about parenting, unless you specifically ask, you're not looking for advice but more so solidarity or to laugh about it or just to share and feel less alone or incompetent. Among the moms at my kids school I find almost universally that if i share something that's hard, they give me advice. For me personally it's a real barrier to friendships bc a. I often don't need or want advice per se and b. it sort of stops any kind of bonding or even really conversation in its tracks.
Is this an american cultural thing where if someone shares something hard it's assumed they want input or is my school different in some way? would love to find a tribe that I can laugh about my kids imitating youtubers rather than hear a 15 minute diatribe on how someone else is crushing it with not letting this happen.

But giving advice, to us is bonding! If you share something and I have experienced it too and 'solved' that shared problem than why are you against hearing solutions. It seems if you really want a tribe you have to lower your barriers or move back to England.

I am American and I find getting advice in response to just trying to commiserate about some difficult aspect of parenting extremely off-putting. I also think people who give a lot of advice often over-estimate their knowledge or assume that because they "solved" an issue like kids fighting bedtime or picky eating or potty training or whatever for their own kid that they are experts and should be telling others what to do. But what works for one kid often doesn't work for another and also solutions to problems like this are often very family specific -- it depends on your schedule and your marriage and the layout of your house and a bunch of factors that vary a lot. Often advice-givers ignore all these factors (because they think the problem got solved due to their expert parenting only) and will even argue with you if you say "no I can't do that" and then get mad at you because you won't take their advice when they are "just trying to help."

I guarantee there are people in your orbit you absolutely hate your advice-giving and just tolerate it out of politeness.

Maybe we are also tired of you complaining about the same issue over and over. Either stop complaining to us or do something! Btw, if I get the vibe that people don't want advice I stop.

When you write “we,” do you mean you and all of the voices in your head?

Good one! Do you have experience with these voices? And did you listen to the b**tchy ones? Congrats!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t ask for your cracker head advice

Did you stumble onto the wrong forum then? Why don't you avoid if it triggers you so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the UK and I've found that one real barrier to making friends here (or rather to having deeper friendships) has been this one - what seems to be cultural - difference around sharing parenting challenges. In the UK it's tacitly understood for the most part that if you share something that's hard about parenting, unless you specifically ask, you're not looking for advice but more so solidarity or to laugh about it or just to share and feel less alone or incompetent. Among the moms at my kids school I find almost universally that if i share something that's hard, they give me advice. For me personally it's a real barrier to friendships bc a. I often don't need or want advice per se and b. it sort of stops any kind of bonding or even really conversation in its tracks.
Is this an american cultural thing where if someone shares something hard it's assumed they want input or is my school different in some way? would love to find a tribe that I can laugh about my kids imitating youtubers rather than hear a 15 minute diatribe on how someone else is crushing it with not letting this happen.

But giving advice, to us is bonding! If you share something and I have experienced it too and 'solved' that shared problem than why are you against hearing solutions. It seems if you really want a tribe you have to lower your barriers or move back to England.

NO ONE NEEDS YOUR ADVICE.

I’m brash and loud in response because I’m an American! Go “bond” with your husband if he isn’t able to make a clean getaway or dive into his phone first.

hmmm are you new to this forum? People pose a problem or a comment and then ask for advice. And by shouting it is you that sound mentally unwell.

Perhaps you should lie down, have a cup of tea and avoid this forum which has upset you greatly.

Hey OP, do you think this creature ^ is in your community? Because…my condolences.

[Anonymous]

Maybe OP needs to stop being so damn sensitive. So what if someone is offering advice to your complaining? If they’re offering advice it means they can’t relate to your problem, either because they don’t have the same problem or they have it and they have solutions. Why take it personally. If you don’t like it, stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe OP needs to stop being so damn sensitive. So what if someone is offering advice to your complaining? If they’re offering advice it means they can’t relate to your problem, either because they don’t have the same problem or they have it and they have solutions. Why take it personally. If you don’t like it, stop complaining.

For someone so full of solutions, you sound so grumpy. Hm. If only you had a little advice for you! I’ve got a suggestion for what you should do to yourself, but am technically not allowed to type it. But you get it 😊!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe OP needs to stop being so damn sensitive. So what if someone is offering advice to your complaining? If they’re offering advice it means they can’t relate to your problem, either because they don’t have the same problem or they have it and they have solutions. Why take it personally. If you don’t like it, stop complaining.

+1

Too many snowflakes in our society nowadays who get offended by everything while expecting attention. Friends can commiserate AND offer advice because they feel for you and don’t want you to struggle. If you are really that sensitive to advice, preface your complaining with “Hey I just need to vent. No advice needed please”. Otherwise it’s ridiculous to expect people to not offer any solution when you complain about something.

[Anonymous]

It's specific to the DMV area. In the area, people always want to be viewed as very smart and knowledgeable about things, and they show off everything they know by saying every single thing they know about any topic brought up, unless they also have a competitive streak and want to gatekeep the info they know.

If you moved outside of the area you would get a different response.

[Anonymous]

When I offer potential solutions to a friend who is complaining about a problem, I am not trying to sound smart or show off. I am brainstorming and trying to help because I care. If it were someone I didn’t care about complaining, I’d simply say “well that sucks (for you)”.

If your worldview is such that people offering to help are being know it alls, good riddance. It’s a different story if people are just talking over you to sound off their knowledge but that doesn’t seem to be the case with the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's specific to the DMV area. In the area, people always want to be viewed as very smart and knowledgeable about things, and they show off everything they know by saying every single thing they know about any topic brought up, unless they also have a competitive streak and want to gatekeep the info they know.

If you moved outside of the area you would get a different response.

This. And there's a specific thing I have not encountered elsewhere where people here will adopt an air of "expertise" around something because they dealt with it one time or read like a single article on it once. Or listened to a podcast. It's exhausting.

So people here will give you advice on EVERYTHING from what stroller to buy to where to send your kid to school to what your kids should eat to whether you should stay in your job or get a more flexible job or whatever. And they will speak about it with authority like they are some kind of stroller expert or have 20 years experience advising women on work-life balance or whatever. Like sometimes you'll pause and wonder to yourself "is this person actually a well known expert on this subject -- they are so certain." But no they are not. They read a wirecutter article or like their sister got a WFH job and seems happy and that is the sum total of their expertise.

But once you figure these people out it's very easy to deal with them. You just ask them pointed questions and then undermine their authority:

"I see so you've flown AirFrance with that specific stroller then? No? We need it specifically for an upcoming trip. Well I will just compare the specs myself then. Thanks for trying tho."

"So your kids are still in PK? Oh too bad -- I really want to talk to someone who knows the 3rd grade staff really well. But thanks so much for providing some insight into how the school is perceived by outsiders. That's useful too."

"Wait are you a nutritionist? No? That's too bad -- I have been looking to speak to an expert about DD's picky eating because there is just so much bad info out there. If you know of someone with a good reputation in this area do let me know though."

And so on. Eventually they will learn to stop "advising" you because you don't suffer fools. They will find gullible hangers on who will eat up their authoritative takes based on studying TikTok posts or whatever and leave you alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I offer potential solutions to a friend who is complaining about a problem, I am not trying to sound smart or show off. I am brainstorming and trying to help because I care. If it were someone I didn’t care about complaining, I’d simply say “well that sucks (for you)”.

If your worldview is such that people offering to help are being know it alls, good riddance. It’s a different story if people are just talking over you to sound off their knowledge but that doesn’t seem to be the case with the OP.

If they didn't ask for this "brainstorming" then it is actually rude.

One thing I've noticed is that people who jump right to "offering solutions" often skip over a really important step -- asking questions to better understand the situation. Like I'll say "man I'm so tired -- DD was up half the night and wound up sleeping in our bed." The compulsive advice givers will jump straight to trying to offer up solutions to fix our sleep issues. But people who are not know-it-alls will say "whoa that sounds super hard I'm sorry. What was up?" And then they'll listen to me talk about it (if I want to -- I might say "oh nothing we figured it out I'm just tired) and ask follow up questions ("oh I had no idea she'd recently started new meds -- did you already talk to the ped about it?") and then maybe after all that if they have some insight they might offer it. But often what people discover in the process of just listening and answering questions is that other people have a good handle on their own issues and aren't really grasping for advice or guidance (especially not from people who are just friends and not like experts in anything). In listening and being interested they'll offer me what I actually want which is emotional support. What I don't need is for a friend who just learned of an issue I am intimately familiar with offering 47 ideas for how to fix it based on her instinctual first impressions. If it's a real issue odds are good I've already thought of those ideas already -- it's my actual life and not a hypothetical exercise for me.

Now if a friend comes to you and says "can you brainstorm ideas for how to address this issue with me" then by all means. But assuming that any time someone complains about anything they want you to jump in with a bunch of ideas for them is incredibly self-centered. It's not about you. They are just complaining. If you don't want to hear it then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the UK and I've found that one real barrier to making friends here (or rather to having deeper friendships) has been this one - what seems to be cultural - difference around sharing parenting challenges. In the UK it's tacitly understood for the most part that if you share something that's hard about parenting, unless you specifically ask, you're not looking for advice but more so solidarity or to laugh about it or just to share and feel less alone or incompetent. Among the moms at my kids school I find almost universally that if i share something that's hard, they give me advice. For me personally it's a real barrier to friendships bc a. I often don't need or want advice per se and b. it sort of stops any kind of bonding or even really conversation in its tracks.
Is this an american cultural thing where if someone shares something hard it's assumed they want input or is my school different in some way? would love to find a tribe that I can laugh about my kids imitating youtubers rather than hear a 15 minute diatribe on how someone else is crushing it with not letting this happen.

Sorry -- guy here. Why would you ever tell anyone about a challenge? Certainly not peers. You keep that stuff to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t read everything, but in my experience British culture is a lot more accepting of negative emotionality (and much less accepting of positivity or anything that seems of bragging). I do think there’s a degree to which it is just social awkwardness of misfiring, but I think there’s a cultural component as well.

op - it's so interesting you say that because i have zero tolerance for bragging and struggle with how much it happens here. I've actually talked about this in therapy because I find it so triggering and it wasn't really an issue back in the UK because it's much less socially common (it obviously does happen but it's not as endemic). I do encounter people here of course who have a lot of humility despite having things to brag about, especially among people with really high social eq, but it's wild to me how many people straight up show off or tolerate this behavior. It's to me so antisocial and alienating and I'm unclear how you would forge a friendship with a person who wants you to experience a negative emotion.

PP and my totally amateur theory is it has to do with British class vs American class. Obviously class is real and exists in America as well as Britain, but it’s more flexible in the USA and also something you can sort of prove through for example by showing off. Whereas if you’re British you can’t become upper class or whatever by showing you have money or a good job, and it’s actually considered offensive (and disloyal) to try. I find the British approach charming in its own way but also sometimes baffling, and I don’t really think people should HIDE happiness either (which I feel can happen under British approach).