Is this an American mom thing or specific to my kids school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's specific to the DMV area. In the area, people always want to be viewed as very smart and knowledgeable about things, and they show off everything they know by saying every single thing they know about any topic brought up, unless they also have a competitive streak and want to gatekeep the info they know.

If you moved outside of the area you would get a different response.

This. And there's a specific thing I have not encountered elsewhere where people here will adopt an air of "expertise" around something because they dealt with it one time or read like a single article on it once. Or listened to a podcast. It's exhausting.

So people here will give you advice on EVERYTHING from what stroller to buy to where to send your kid to school to what your kids should eat to whether you should stay in your job or get a more flexible job or whatever. And they will speak about it with authority like they are some kind of stroller expert or have 20 years experience advising women on work-life balance or whatever. Like sometimes you'll pause and wonder to yourself "is this person actually a well known expert on this subject -- they are so certain." But no they are not. They read a wirecutter article or like their sister got a WFH job and seems happy and that is the sum total of their expertise.

But once you figure these people out it's very easy to deal with them. You just ask them pointed questions and then undermine their authority:

"I see so you've flown AirFrance with that specific stroller then? No? We need it specifically for an upcoming trip. Well I will just compare the specs myself then. Thanks for trying tho."

"So your kids are still in PK? Oh too bad -- I really want to talk to someone who knows the 3rd grade staff really well. But thanks so much for providing some insight into how the school is perceived by outsiders. That's useful too."

"Wait are you a nutritionist? No? That's too bad -- I have been looking to speak to an expert about DD's picky eating because there is just so much bad info out there. If you know of someone with a good reputation in this area do let me know though."

And so on. Eventually they will learn to stop "advising" you because you don't suffer fools. They will find gullible hangers on who will eat up their authoritative takes based on studying TikTok posts or whatever and leave you alone.

You sound really uptight, PP. Trust me, I am an expert in being uptight. Would you like some recommendations on dealing with your uptightness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t read everything, but in my experience British culture is a lot more accepting of negative emotionality (and much less accepting of positivity or anything that seems of bragging). I do think there’s a degree to which it is just social awkwardness of misfiring, but I think there’s a cultural component as well.

op - it's so interesting you say that because i have zero tolerance for bragging and struggle with how much it happens here. I've actually talked about this in therapy because I find it so triggering and it wasn't really an issue back in the UK because it's much less socially common (it obviously does happen but it's not as endemic). I do encounter people here of course who have a lot of humility despite having things to brag about, especially among people with really high social eq, but it's wild to me how many people straight up show off or tolerate this behavior. It's to me so antisocial and alienating and I'm unclear how you would forge a friendship with a person who wants you to experience a negative emotion.

PP and my totally amateur theory is it has to do with British class vs American class. Obviously class is real and exists in America as well as Britain, but it’s more flexible in the USA and also something you can sort of prove through for example by showing off. Whereas if you’re British you can’t become upper class or whatever by showing you have money or a good job, and it’s actually considered offensive (and disloyal) to try. I find the British approach charming in its own way but also sometimes baffling, and I don’t really think people should HIDE happiness either (which I feel can happen under British approach).

op - i think the difference is that in the uk you can't - as you say - buy class. Class is determined by how you interact with others. To an extent that's true here, but the nuance of british class is different.
Like the number one thing that you are taught at Eton or Rodean or wherever is humility, curiosity and empathy. How to intuit someone else's challenges, feelings and how to be respectful. Not respectful in the sense of like what fork to use or sayng stuff like 'ma'am' (never). But you are always when you speak to someone doing it in a way as to never try to seem 'better'. So if someone says 'I'm not very good at tennis'; even if you are amazing at tennis, if you are a brit, you'd say 'oh gosh I'm dreadful as well'. Whereas Americans might say 'oh i'm pretty good bc i practice a lot. Have you tried practicing more?' And the brit thinks 'what the actual f'. The brit is trying not to make the other person feel bad. So to the brit, the American by saying they ARE good and suggesting more practice is being super tone deaf. And hence the miscommunication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I offer potential solutions to a friend who is complaining about a problem, I am not trying to sound smart or show off. I am brainstorming and trying to help because I care. If it were someone I didn’t care about complaining, I’d simply say “well that sucks (for you)”.

If your worldview is such that people offering to help are being know it alls, good riddance. It’s a different story if people are just talking over you to sound off their knowledge but that doesn’t seem to be the case with the OP.

If they didn't ask for this "brainstorming" then it is actually rude.

One thing I've noticed is that people who jump right to "offering solutions" often skip over a really important step -- asking questions to better understand the situation. Like I'll say "man I'm so tired -- DD was up half the night and wound up sleeping in our bed." The compulsive advice givers will jump straight to trying to offer up solutions to fix our sleep issues. But people who are not know-it-alls will say "whoa that sounds super hard I'm sorry. What was up?" And then they'll listen to me talk about it (if I want to -- I might say "oh nothing we figured it out I'm just tired) and ask follow up questions ("oh I had no idea she'd recently started new meds -- did you already talk to the ped about it?") and then maybe after all that if they have some insight they might offer it. But often what people discover in the process of just listening and answering questions is that other people have a good handle on their own issues and aren't really grasping for advice or guidance (especially not from people who are just friends and not like experts in anything). In listening and being interested they'll offer me what I actually want which is emotional support. What I don't need is for a friend who just learned of an issue I am intimately familiar with offering 47 ideas for how to fix it based on her instinctual first impressions. If it's a real issue odds are good I've already thought of those ideas already -- it's my actual life and not a hypothetical exercise for me.

Now if a friend comes to you and says "can you brainstorm ideas for how to address this issue with me" then by all means. But assuming that any time someone complains about anything they want you to jump in with a bunch of ideas for them is incredibly self-centered. It's not about you. They are just complaining. If you don't want to hear it then change the subject.

So would you say Mom A is right in the following exchange?

Mom A: My son has been waking up at 4am every night and I am exhausted!!!

Mom B: That’s rough! I’m so sorry to hear that. Does he take a nap?

Mom A: *Looks annoyed*. Of course not. He stopped napping months ago.

Mom B: I see. I went through a phase with my oldest son waking up early in the morning too. I noticed that when I gave him a later dinner that is protein rich he would sleep better

Mom A: Are you kidding me? My son is well fed. I didn’t ask for your advice! Can’t you just listen without offering advice!!! You Americans are such rude know it all’s!!!

[Anonymous]

Seems like the people here who think it’s rude to offer anything that resembles advice wants Mom B to just nod and say sorry, or pretend they have the same problem that is unresolved so they can suffer together instead of looking for solutions first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the UK and I've found that one real barrier to making friends here (or rather to having deeper friendships) has been this one - what seems to be cultural - difference around sharing parenting challenges. In the UK it's tacitly understood for the most part that if you share something that's hard about parenting, unless you specifically ask, you're not looking for advice but more so solidarity or to laugh about it or just to share and feel less alone or incompetent. Among the moms at my kids school I find almost universally that if i share something that's hard, they give me advice. For me personally it's a real barrier to friendships bc a. I often don't need or want advice per se and b. it sort of stops any kind of bonding or even really conversation in its tracks.
Is this an american cultural thing where if someone shares something hard it's assumed they want input or is my school different in some way? would love to find a tribe that I can laugh about my kids imitating youtubers rather than hear a 15 minute diatribe on how someone else is crushing it with not letting this happen.

Generally I’ve found that lawyers give advice. Artists/entrepreneurs/other moms commiserate. DC has a lot of lawyer moms, especially at private schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I offer potential solutions to a friend who is complaining about a problem, I am not trying to sound smart or show off. I am brainstorming and trying to help because I care. If it were someone I didn’t care about complaining, I’d simply say “well that sucks (for you)”.

If your worldview is such that people offering to help are being know it alls, good riddance. It’s a different story if people are just talking over you to sound off their knowledge but that doesn’t seem to be the case with the OP.

If they didn't ask for this "brainstorming" then it is actually rude.

One thing I've noticed is that people who jump right to "offering solutions" often skip over a really important step -- asking questions to better understand the situation. Like I'll say "man I'm so tired -- DD was up half the night and wound up sleeping in our bed." The compulsive advice givers will jump straight to trying to offer up solutions to fix our sleep issues. But people who are not know-it-alls will say "whoa that sounds super hard I'm sorry. What was up?" And then they'll listen to me talk about it (if I want to -- I might say "oh nothing we figured it out I'm just tired) and ask follow up questions ("oh I had no idea she'd recently started new meds -- did you already talk to the ped about it?") and then maybe after all that if they have some insight they might offer it. But often what people discover in the process of just listening and answering questions is that other people have a good handle on their own issues and aren't really grasping for advice or guidance (especially not from people who are just friends and not like experts in anything). In listening and being interested they'll offer me what I actually want which is emotional support. What I don't need is for a friend who just learned of an issue I am intimately familiar with offering 47 ideas for how to fix it based on her instinctual first impressions. If it's a real issue odds are good I've already thought of those ideas already -- it's my actual life and not a hypothetical exercise for me.

Now if a friend comes to you and says "can you brainstorm ideas for how to address this issue with me" then by all means. But assuming that any time someone complains about anything they want you to jump in with a bunch of ideas for them is incredibly self-centered. It's not about you. They are just complaining. If you don't want to hear it then change the subject.

So would you say Mom A is right in the following exchange?

Mom A: My son has been waking up at 4am every night and I am exhausted!!!

Mom B: That’s rough! I’m so sorry to hear that. Does he take a nap?

Mom A: *Looks annoyed*. Of course not. He stopped napping months ago.

Mom B: I see. I went through a phase with my oldest son waking up early in the morning too. I noticed that when I gave him a later dinner that is protein rich he would sleep better

Mom A: Are you kidding me? My son is well fed. I didn’t ask for your advice! Can’t you just listen without offering advice!!! You Americans are such rude know it all’s!!!

op - it's more like:

me: my kids are obsessed with watching randos on youtube play roblox and I'm always trying to extract them from this weird vortex.

British mum: omg i know - mine watch this man who fishes specifically for bizarre obscure and very ugly fish and they are OBSESSED.

Moms at my school: we dont allow lots of youtube. I have a million safety controls. I only allow 5 minutes a day of youtube. youtube will rot their brain and make them into weird shut in incels. my kids watch actual tv.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I offer potential solutions to a friend who is complaining about a problem, I am not trying to sound smart or show off. I am brainstorming and trying to help because I care. If it were someone I didn’t care about complaining, I’d simply say “well that sucks (for you)”.

If your worldview is such that people offering to help are being know it alls, good riddance. It’s a different story if people are just talking over you to sound off their knowledge but that doesn’t seem to be the case with the OP.

If they didn't ask for this "brainstorming" then it is actually rude.

One thing I've noticed is that people who jump right to "offering solutions" often skip over a really important step -- asking questions to better understand the situation. Like I'll say "man I'm so tired -- DD was up half the night and wound up sleeping in our bed." The compulsive advice givers will jump straight to trying to offer up solutions to fix our sleep issues. But people who are not know-it-alls will say "whoa that sounds super hard I'm sorry. What was up?" And then they'll listen to me talk about it (if I want to -- I might say "oh nothing we figured it out I'm just tired) and ask follow up questions ("oh I had no idea she'd recently started new meds -- did you already talk to the ped about it?") and then maybe after all that if they have some insight they might offer it. But often what people discover in the process of just listening and answering questions is that other people have a good handle on their own issues and aren't really grasping for advice or guidance (especially not from people who are just friends and not like experts in anything). In listening and being interested they'll offer me what I actually want which is emotional support. What I don't need is for a friend who just learned of an issue I am intimately familiar with offering 47 ideas for how to fix it based on her instinctual first impressions. If it's a real issue odds are good I've already thought of those ideas already -- it's my actual life and not a hypothetical exercise for me.

Now if a friend comes to you and says "can you brainstorm ideas for how to address this issue with me" then by all means. But assuming that any time someone complains about anything they want you to jump in with a bunch of ideas for them is incredibly self-centered. It's not about you. They are just complaining. If you don't want to hear it then change the subject.

So would you say Mom A is right in the following exchange?

Mom A: My son has been waking up at 4am every night and I am exhausted!!!

Mom B: That’s rough! I’m so sorry to hear that. Does he take a nap?

Mom A: *Looks annoyed*. Of course not. He stopped napping months ago.

Mom B: I see. I went through a phase with my oldest son waking up early in the morning too. I noticed that when I gave him a later dinner that is protein rich he would sleep better

Mom A: Are you kidding me? My son is well fed. I didn’t ask for your advice! Can’t you just listen without offering advice!!! You Americans are such rude know it all’s!!!

op - it's more like:

me: my kids are obsessed with watching randos on youtube play roblox and I'm always trying to extract them from this weird vortex.

British mum: omg i know - mine watch this man who fishes specifically for bizarre obscure and very ugly fish and they are OBSESSED.

Moms at my school: we dont allow lots of youtube. I have a million safety controls. I only allow 5 minutes a day of youtube. youtube will rot their brain and make them into weird shut in incels. my kids watch actual tv.

Well the moms at your school sound like a judgmental bunch. They’re not “giving advice” in that scenario they’re just judging.

[Anonymous]

If the moms at your school had phrased it like “I know how addictive those shows are. Have you tried using the settings to limit access?” would be a whole different story imo. It really boils down to how they’re saying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I offer potential solutions to a friend who is complaining about a problem, I am not trying to sound smart or show off. I am brainstorming and trying to help because I care. If it were someone I didn’t care about complaining, I’d simply say “well that sucks (for you)”.

If your worldview is such that people offering to help are being know it alls, good riddance. It’s a different story if people are just talking over you to sound off their knowledge but that doesn’t seem to be the case with the OP.

If they didn't ask for this "brainstorming" then it is actually rude.

One thing I've noticed is that people who jump right to "offering solutions" often skip over a really important step -- asking questions to better understand the situation. Like I'll say "man I'm so tired -- DD was up half the night and wound up sleeping in our bed." The compulsive advice givers will jump straight to trying to offer up solutions to fix our sleep issues. But people who are not know-it-alls will say "whoa that sounds super hard I'm sorry. What was up?" And then they'll listen to me talk about it (if I want to -- I might say "oh nothing we figured it out I'm just tired) and ask follow up questions ("oh I had no idea she'd recently started new meds -- did you already talk to the ped about it?") and then maybe after all that if they have some insight they might offer it. But often what people discover in the process of just listening and answering questions is that other people have a good handle on their own issues and aren't really grasping for advice or guidance (especially not from people who are just friends and not like experts in anything). In listening and being interested they'll offer me what I actually want which is emotional support. What I don't need is for a friend who just learned of an issue I am intimately familiar with offering 47 ideas for how to fix it based on her instinctual first impressions. If it's a real issue odds are good I've already thought of those ideas already -- it's my actual life and not a hypothetical exercise for me.

Now if a friend comes to you and says "can you brainstorm ideas for how to address this issue with me" then by all means. But assuming that any time someone complains about anything they want you to jump in with a bunch of ideas for them is incredibly self-centered. It's not about you. They are just complaining. If you don't want to hear it then change the subject.

So would you say Mom A is right in the following exchange?

Mom A: My son has been waking up at 4am every night and I am exhausted!!!

Mom B: That’s rough! I’m so sorry to hear that. Does he take a nap?

Mom A: *Looks annoyed*. Of course not. He stopped napping months ago.

Mom B: I see. I went through a phase with my oldest son waking up early in the morning too. I noticed that when I gave him a later dinner that is protein rich he would sleep better

Mom A: Are you kidding me? My son is well fed. I didn’t ask for your advice! Can’t you just listen without offering advice!!! You Americans are such rude know it all’s!!!

op - it's more like:

me: my kids are obsessed with watching randos on youtube play roblox and I'm always trying to extract them from this weird vortex.

British mum: omg i know - mine watch this man who fishes specifically for bizarre obscure and very ugly fish and they are OBSESSED.

Moms at my school: we dont allow lots of youtube. I have a million safety controls. I only allow 5 minutes a day of youtube. youtube will rot their brain and make them into weird shut in incels. my kids watch actual tv.

Well the moms at your school sound like a judgmental bunch. They’re not “giving advice” in that scenario they’re just judging.

+1. Judgy. Not trying to be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like the people here who think it’s rude to offer anything that resembles advice wants Mom B to just nod and say sorry, or pretend they have the same problem that is unresolved so they can suffer together instead of looking for solutions first.

Yes. That’s what people want when they are having a casual conversation and trying to bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I offer potential solutions to a friend who is complaining about a problem, I am not trying to sound smart or show off. I am brainstorming and trying to help because I care. If it were someone I didn’t care about complaining, I’d simply say “well that sucks (for you)”.

If your worldview is such that people offering to help are being know it alls, good riddance. It’s a different story if people are just talking over you to sound off their knowledge but that doesn’t seem to be the case with the OP.

If they didn't ask for this "brainstorming" then it is actually rude.

One thing I've noticed is that people who jump right to "offering solutions" often skip over a really important step -- asking questions to better understand the situation. Like I'll say "man I'm so tired -- DD was up half the night and wound up sleeping in our bed." The compulsive advice givers will jump straight to trying to offer up solutions to fix our sleep issues. But people who are not know-it-alls will say "whoa that sounds super hard I'm sorry. What was up?" And then they'll listen to me talk about it (if I want to -- I might say "oh nothing we figured it out I'm just tired) and ask follow up questions ("oh I had no idea she'd recently started new meds -- did you already talk to the ped about it?") and then maybe after all that if they have some insight they might offer it. But often what people discover in the process of just listening and answering questions is that other people have a good handle on their own issues and aren't really grasping for advice or guidance (especially not from people who are just friends and not like experts in anything). In listening and being interested they'll offer me what I actually want which is emotional support. What I don't need is for a friend who just learned of an issue I am intimately familiar with offering 47 ideas for how to fix it based on her instinctual first impressions. If it's a real issue odds are good I've already thought of those ideas already -- it's my actual life and not a hypothetical exercise for me.

Now if a friend comes to you and says "can you brainstorm ideas for how to address this issue with me" then by all means. But assuming that any time someone complains about anything they want you to jump in with a bunch of ideas for them is incredibly self-centered. It's not about you. They are just complaining. If you don't want to hear it then change the subject.

So would you say Mom A is right in the following exchange?

Mom A: My son has been waking up at 4am every night and I am exhausted!!!

Mom B: That’s rough! I’m so sorry to hear that. Does he take a nap?

Mom A: *Looks annoyed*. Of course not. He stopped napping months ago.

Mom B: I see. I went through a phase with my oldest son waking up early in the morning too. I noticed that when I gave him a later dinner that is protein rich he would sleep better

Mom A: Are you kidding me? My son is well fed. I didn’t ask for your advice! Can’t you just listen without offering advice!!! You Americans are such rude know it all’s!!!

Yes! You need to ask more questions before you give advice!
Let’s say that the reason the child is up at 4am is because they are ill or they are distressed because their dog or their grandmother died.
Maybe Mom A was trying to prelude into talking about her own mother’s death or her child’s possible cancer diagnosis, and Mom B can’t stop talking about protein rich dinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I offer potential solutions to a friend who is complaining about a problem, I am not trying to sound smart or show off. I am brainstorming and trying to help because I care. If it were someone I didn’t care about complaining, I’d simply say “well that sucks (for you)”.

If your worldview is such that people offering to help are being know it alls, good riddance. It’s a different story if people are just talking over you to sound off their knowledge but that doesn’t seem to be the case with the OP.

If they didn't ask for this "brainstorming" then it is actually rude.

One thing I've noticed is that people who jump right to "offering solutions" often skip over a really important step -- asking questions to better understand the situation. Like I'll say "man I'm so tired -- DD was up half the night and wound up sleeping in our bed." The compulsive advice givers will jump straight to trying to offer up solutions to fix our sleep issues. But people who are not know-it-alls will say "whoa that sounds super hard I'm sorry. What was up?" And then they'll listen to me talk about it (if I want to -- I might say "oh nothing we figured it out I'm just tired) and ask follow up questions ("oh I had no idea she'd recently started new meds -- did you already talk to the ped about it?") and then maybe after all that if they have some insight they might offer it. But often what people discover in the process of just listening and answering questions is that other people have a good handle on their own issues and aren't really grasping for advice or guidance (especially not from people who are just friends and not like experts in anything). In listening and being interested they'll offer me what I actually want which is emotional support. What I don't need is for a friend who just learned of an issue I am intimately familiar with offering 47 ideas for how to fix it based on her instinctual first impressions. If it's a real issue odds are good I've already thought of those ideas already -- it's my actual life and not a hypothetical exercise for me.

Now if a friend comes to you and says "can you brainstorm ideas for how to address this issue with me" then by all means. But assuming that any time someone complains about anything they want you to jump in with a bunch of ideas for them is incredibly self-centered. It's not about you. They are just complaining. If you don't want to hear it then change the subject.

So would you say Mom A is right in the following exchange?

Mom A: My son has been waking up at 4am every night and I am exhausted!!!

Mom B: That’s rough! I’m so sorry to hear that. Does he take a nap?

Mom A: *Looks annoyed*. Of course not. He stopped napping months ago.

Mom B: I see. I went through a phase with my oldest son waking up early in the morning too. I noticed that when I gave him a later dinner that is protein rich he would sleep better

Mom A: Are you kidding me? My son is well fed. I didn’t ask for your advice! Can’t you just listen without offering advice!!! You Americans are such rude know it all’s!!!

op - it's more like:

me: my kids are obsessed with watching randos on youtube play roblox and I'm always trying to extract them from this weird vortex.

British mum: omg i know - mine watch this man who fishes specifically for bizarre obscure and very ugly fish and they are OBSESSED.

Moms at my school: we dont allow lots of youtube. I have a million safety controls. I only allow 5 minutes a day of youtube. youtube will rot their brain and make them into weird shut in incels. my kids watch actual tv.

It’s so weird that my 65 year old midwestern mother is hanging out at your east coast private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I offer potential solutions to a friend who is complaining about a problem, I am not trying to sound smart or show off. I am brainstorming and trying to help because I care. If it were someone I didn’t care about complaining, I’d simply say “well that sucks (for you)”.

If your worldview is such that people offering to help are being know it alls, good riddance. It’s a different story if people are just talking over you to sound off their knowledge but that doesn’t seem to be the case with the OP.

If they didn't ask for this "brainstorming" then it is actually rude.

One thing I've noticed is that people who jump right to "offering solutions" often skip over a really important step -- asking questions to better understand the situation. Like I'll say "man I'm so tired -- DD was up half the night and wound up sleeping in our bed." The compulsive advice givers will jump straight to trying to offer up solutions to fix our sleep issues. But people who are not know-it-alls will say "whoa that sounds super hard I'm sorry. What was up?" And then they'll listen to me talk about it (if I want to -- I might say "oh nothing we figured it out I'm just tired) and ask follow up questions ("oh I had no idea she'd recently started new meds -- did you already talk to the ped about it?") and then maybe after all that if they have some insight they might offer it. But often what people discover in the process of just listening and answering questions is that other people have a good handle on their own issues and aren't really grasping for advice or guidance (especially not from people who are just friends and not like experts in anything). In listening and being interested they'll offer me what I actually want which is emotional support. What I don't need is for a friend who just learned of an issue I am intimately familiar with offering 47 ideas for how to fix it based on her instinctual first impressions. If it's a real issue odds are good I've already thought of those ideas already -- it's my actual life and not a hypothetical exercise for me.

Now if a friend comes to you and says "can you brainstorm ideas for how to address this issue with me" then by all means. But assuming that any time someone complains about anything they want you to jump in with a bunch of ideas for them is incredibly self-centered. It's not about you. They are just complaining. If you don't want to hear it then change the subject.

So would you say Mom A is right in the following exchange?

Mom A: My son has been waking up at 4am every night and I am exhausted!!!

Mom B: That’s rough! I’m so sorry to hear that. Does he take a nap?

Mom A: *Looks annoyed*. Of course not. He stopped napping months ago.

Mom B: I see. I went through a phase with my oldest son waking up early in the morning too. I noticed that when I gave him a later dinner that is protein rich he would sleep better

Mom A: Are you kidding me? My son is well fed. I didn’t ask for your advice! Can’t you just listen without offering advice!!! You Americans are such rude know it all’s!!!

Yes! You need to ask more questions before you give advice!
Let’s say that the reason the child is up at 4am is because they are ill or they are distressed because their dog or their grandmother died.
Maybe Mom A was trying to prelude into talking about her own mother’s death or her child’s possible cancer diagnosis, and Mom B can’t stop talking about protein rich dinners.

Dp. Now I know not to engage. Because if I ask too many questions you pp will take me as pushy.

I will just nod and say I'm sorry and be quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I offer potential solutions to a friend who is complaining about a problem, I am not trying to sound smart or show off. I am brainstorming and trying to help because I care. If it were someone I didn’t care about complaining, I’d simply say “well that sucks (for you)”.

If your worldview is such that people offering to help are being know it alls, good riddance. It’s a different story if people are just talking over you to sound off their knowledge but that doesn’t seem to be the case with the OP.

If they didn't ask for this "brainstorming" then it is actually rude.

One thing I've noticed is that people who jump right to "offering solutions" often skip over a really important step -- asking questions to better understand the situation. Like I'll say "man I'm so tired -- DD was up half the night and wound up sleeping in our bed." The compulsive advice givers will jump straight to trying to offer up solutions to fix our sleep issues. But people who are not know-it-alls will say "whoa that sounds super hard I'm sorry. What was up?" And then they'll listen to me talk about it (if I want to -- I might say "oh nothing we figured it out I'm just tired) and ask follow up questions ("oh I had no idea she'd recently started new meds -- did you already talk to the ped about it?") and then maybe after all that if they have some insight they might offer it. But often what people discover in the process of just listening and answering questions is that other people have a good handle on their own issues and aren't really grasping for advice or guidance (especially not from people who are just friends and not like experts in anything). In listening and being interested they'll offer me what I actually want which is emotional support. What I don't need is for a friend who just learned of an issue I am intimately familiar with offering 47 ideas for how to fix it based on her instinctual first impressions. If it's a real issue odds are good I've already thought of those ideas already -- it's my actual life and not a hypothetical exercise for me.

Now if a friend comes to you and says "can you brainstorm ideas for how to address this issue with me" then by all means. But assuming that any time someone complains about anything they want you to jump in with a bunch of ideas for them is incredibly self-centered. It's not about you. They are just complaining. If you don't want to hear it then change the subject.

So would you say Mom A is right in the following exchange?

Mom A: My son has been waking up at 4am every night and I am exhausted!!!

Mom B: That’s rough! I’m so sorry to hear that. Does he take a nap?

Mom A: *Looks annoyed*. Of course not. He stopped napping months ago.

Mom B: I see. I went through a phase with my oldest son waking up early in the morning too. I noticed that when I gave him a later dinner that is protein rich he would sleep better

Mom A: Are you kidding me? My son is well fed. I didn’t ask for your advice! Can’t you just listen without offering advice!!! You Americans are such rude know it all’s!!!

Yes! You need to ask more questions before you give advice!
Let’s say that the reason the child is up at 4am is because they are ill or they are distressed because their dog or their grandmother died.
Maybe Mom A was trying to prelude into talking about her own mother’s death or her child’s possible cancer diagnosis, and Mom B can’t stop talking about protein rich dinners.

Dp. Now I know not to engage. Because if I ask too many questions you pp will take me as pushy.

I will just nod and say I'm sorry and be quiet.

You can’t be friends with these people unless you nod and agree with everything they say and act exactly how they want you to. They get offended by everything. They will be offended if you don’t say enough to offer condolences too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t read everything, but in my experience British culture is a lot more accepting of negative emotionality (and much less accepting of positivity or anything that seems of bragging). I do think there’s a degree to which it is just social awkwardness of misfiring, but I think there’s a cultural component as well.

op - it's so interesting you say that because i have zero tolerance for bragging and struggle with how much it happens here. I've actually talked about this in therapy because I find it so triggering and it wasn't really an issue back in the UK because it's much less socially common (it obviously does happen but it's not as endemic). I do encounter people here of course who have a lot of humility despite having things to brag about, especially among people with really high social eq, but it's wild to me how many people straight up show off or tolerate this behavior. It's to me so antisocial and alienating and I'm unclear how you would forge a friendship with a person who wants you to experience a negative emotion.

PP and my totally amateur theory is it has to do with British class vs American class. Obviously class is real and exists in America as well as Britain, but it’s more flexible in the USA and also something you can sort of prove through for example by showing off. Whereas if you’re British you can’t become upper class or whatever by showing you have money or a good job, and it’s actually considered offensive (and disloyal) to try. I find the British approach charming in its own way but also sometimes baffling, and I don’t really think people should HIDE happiness either (which I feel can happen under British approach).

op - i think the difference is that in the uk you can't - as you say - buy class. Class is determined by how you interact with others. To an extent that's true here, but the nuance of british class is different.
Like the number one thing that you are taught at Eton or Rodean or wherever is humility, curiosity and empathy. How to intuit someone else's challenges, feelings and how to be respectful. Not respectful in the sense of like what fork to use or sayng stuff like 'ma'am' (never). But you are always when you speak to someone doing it in a way as to never try to seem 'better'. So if someone says 'I'm not very good at tennis'; even if you are amazing at tennis, if you are a brit, you'd say 'oh gosh I'm dreadful as well'. Whereas Americans might say 'oh i'm pretty good bc i practice a lot. Have you tried practicing more?' And the brit thinks 'what the actual f'. The brit is trying not to make the other person feel bad. So to the brit, the American by saying they ARE good and suggesting more practice is being super tone deaf. And hence the miscommunication.

This is a southern thing as well. New Yorkers and people from the northeast often come across as clueless braggarts.