How to navigate this with a new baby

[Anonymous]

We are due next month and recently resumed contact with my mother after we went 2 years without any contact. She reached out and apologized for a lot of her behavior and asked to please be in our lives. She saw we were expecting and was so happy and excited. We had a good talk with her and decided we would move forward cautiously.

We told her we would have zero tolerance for her last behavior and try to move forward. We also told her our main stipulation to her being in this child's life is that she doesn't share this information with my brother and his family. my brother sexually abused me starting at age 4 - that's at least my earliest memory. And it went on for years. My mother knew during and walked in once.

I don't have a relationship with him, his wife or two sons. My mother does. She has a relationship with them she claims for her grandsons.

DH and I said we absolutely do not want them to know about this child's existence or what she looks like for as long as humanely possible. We obviously know there are some things we can't control but we have no connection to them besides now my mother. Baby won't be on social media and if a friend accidentally tags us or something we don't have any mutuals.

I know eventually it will come out but by then I'm hoping she's old enough and enough time/has passed. I'm also hopeful I can keep what she looks like from brother. The thought of him knowing that disgusts me.

Anyway. My mother agreed and said she understood but already she has brought it up twice saying well just tell your sister in law. And I said how do I do that without your predator of a son not finding out? She dropped it quickly. But recently she was alone with DH and said to him you know the boys ( her grandsons who are 13 and 10) would want to know about their cousin. Do you think that would be okay. And DH said absolutely not. Came home and told me.

Now I feel like this boundary has been continually broached. I can't trust that she will respect our wishes around this.

I guess I'm wondering do I just accept it now and go no contact again or give her a chance and speak to her again about how important this is to us. And our main goal is keeping this child safe and away from these people.

[Anonymous]

You're not wrong to consider just going no contact. I guess in theory she's vaguely, vaguely respecting the boundary of not telling your brother by attempting to ask your permission and not just doing it. So if everything else has been going well maybe one more conversation that the boundary is not just not telling him, but not discussing it at all. And then if it comes up once more, you're done. But it's close enough at this point that it's OK to be done. You're obviously going to have to be super vigilant about photos and her being alone with the baby.

[Anonymous]

She is testing the boundary. Tell her one more time absolutely no contact and if she brings it up again, you will have to cease visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not wrong to consider just going no contact. I guess in theory she's vaguely, vaguely respecting the boundary of not telling your brother by attempting to ask your permission and not just doing it. So if everything else has been going well maybe one more conversation that the boundary is not just not telling him, but not discussing it at all. And then if it comes up once more, you're done. But it's close enough at this point that it's OK to be done. You're obviously going to have to be super vigilant about photos and her being alone with the baby.

Thanks. I'm definitely open to another conversation and being more firm on we can't keep having this conversation. I can see it happening around holidays and such. And I just can't have the constant reminder. I do think it is a sign she's trying? Otherwise she just wouldn't ask and would be telling them. I do think my sil would reach out if she found out from my mom.

Yes vigilant about photos for sure. And she will never be alone with DD. We already had that talk when she asked about helping us with childcare and mentioned keeping a pack and play at her house.

I didn't mention not only did my mother ignore the abuse from my brother but also from another older male and wasn't supportive when I pressed charges that time. She was also very physically abusive until too big to control and could call her on it. The emotional abuse continued hence no contact. So DD will never be unsupervised with her and her in person contact will be limited

[Anonymous]

What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP. So you’ve let her back in recently and she’s already blurring and pushing and dismissing your rules, comfort, and boundaries, just like in childhood?

If she can’t accept that your brother and his family do not exist to you, you’re probably going to have to cut her off again. Deep inside, she probably understands that this rift is of her making and the consequence of her inaction decades ago. But already, her way of trying to “make amends” is to only think about how your brother’s family can benefit from this, and in the meantime while she keeps pushing them on you, she’ll keep victimizing you and potentially putting your DD at risk. Don’t sign up for this anxiety. Having a new baby to care for is hard enough. Don’t let her BS cast a shadow of your memory of this special time.

Keep in mind that going no contact may result in her telling your brother and his family about your DD, since you’re not talking to her anyway.

I would try to keep her at arms’ length for the first few months, tell her she can meet the baby when baby is a little older (use the usual reasons, germs, wanting to enjoy special time w the three of you etc). See how she acts during this period.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is still trying to patch things up and doesn't want to acknowledge what happened, how bad it was, and how she enabled it. And obviously, that's unacceptable. If she can't understand and accept that the answer will always be no, then I think you have to cut her off again. You said no information was your #1 stipulation. And she is already trying to get you to change that. It's your #1 stipulation! This is a case of give an inch and she takes a mile.

I also suspect she may already have told him and is trying to get you to okay it so you're not mad when you find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are due next month and recently resumed contact with my mother after we went 2 years without any contact. She reached out and apologized for a lot of her behavior and asked to please be in our lives. She saw we were expecting and was so happy and excited. We had a good talk with her and decided we would move forward cautiously.

We told her we would have zero tolerance for her last behavior and try to move forward. We also told her our main stipulation to her being in this child's life is that she doesn't share this information with my brother and his family. my brother sexually abused me starting at age 4 - that's at least my earliest memory. And it went on for years. My mother knew during and walked in once.

I don't have a relationship with him, his wife or two sons. My mother does. She has a relationship with them she claims for her grandsons.

DH and I said we absolutely do not want them to know about this child's existence or what she looks like for as long as humanely possible. We obviously know there are some things we can't control but we have no connection to them besides now my mother. Baby won't be on social media and if a friend accidentally tags us or something we don't have any mutuals.

I know eventually it will come out but by then I'm hoping she's old enough and enough time/has passed. I'm also hopeful I can keep what she looks like from brother. The thought of him knowing that disgusts me.

Anyway. My mother agreed and said she understood but already she has brought it up twice saying well just tell your sister in law. And I said how do I do that without your predator of a son not finding out? She dropped it quickly. But recently she was alone with DH and said to him you know the boys ( her grandsons who are 13 and 10) would want to know about their cousin. Do you think that would be okay. And DH said absolutely not. Came home and told me.

Now I feel like this boundary has been continually broached. I can't trust that she will respect our wishes around this.

I guess I'm wondering do I just accept it now and go no contact again or give her a chance and speak to her again about how important this is to us. And our main goal is keeping this child safe and away from these people.

I would bet that she has already told them and I suspect that you know this as well. There is no easy answer but it is painfully obvious that she is not trustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not wrong to consider just going no contact. I guess in theory she's vaguely, vaguely respecting the boundary of not telling your brother by attempting to ask your permission and not just doing it. So if everything else has been going well maybe one more conversation that the boundary is not just not telling him, but not discussing it at all. And then if it comes up once more, you're done. But it's close enough at this point that it's OK to be done. You're obviously going to have to be super vigilant about photos and her being alone with the baby.

Thanks. I'm definitely open to another conversation and being more firm on we can't keep having this conversation. I can see it happening around holidays and such. And I just can't have the constant reminder. I do think it is a sign she's trying? Otherwise she just wouldn't ask and would be telling them. I do think my sil would reach out if she found out from my mom.

Yes vigilant about photos for sure. And she will never be alone with DD. We already had that talk when she asked about helping us with childcare and mentioned keeping a pack and play at her house.

I didn't mention not only did my mother ignore the abuse from my brother but also from another older male and wasn't supportive when I pressed charges that time. She was also very physically abusive until too big to control and could call her on it. The emotional abuse continued hence no contact. So DD will never be unsupervised with her and her in person contact will be limited

Quite honestly, I have to wonder why you would ever give her an opening in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are due next month and recently resumed contact with my mother after we went 2 years without any contact. She reached out and apologized for a lot of her behavior and asked to please be in our lives. She saw we were expecting and was so happy and excited. We had a good talk with her and decided we would move forward cautiously.

We told her we would have zero tolerance for her last behavior and try to move forward. We also told her our main stipulation to her being in this child's life is that she doesn't share this information with my brother and his family. my brother sexually abused me starting at age 4 - that's at least my earliest memory. And it went on for years. My mother knew during and walked in once.

I don't have a relationship with him, his wife or two sons. My mother does. She has a relationship with them she claims for her grandsons.

DH and I said we absolutely do not want them to know about this child's existence or what she looks like for as long as humanely possible. We obviously know there are some things we can't control but we have no connection to them besides now my mother. Baby won't be on social media and if a friend accidentally tags us or something we don't have any mutuals.

I know eventually it will come out but by then I'm hoping she's old enough and enough time/has passed. I'm also hopeful I can keep what she looks like from brother. The thought of him knowing that disgusts me.

Anyway. My mother agreed and said she understood but already she has brought it up twice saying well just tell your sister in law. And I said how do I do that without your predator of a son not finding out? She dropped it quickly. But recently she was alone with DH and said to him you know the boys ( her grandsons who are 13 and 10) would want to know about their cousin. Do you think that would be okay. And DH said absolutely not. Came home and told me.

Now I feel like this boundary has been continually broached. I can't trust that she will respect our wishes around this.

I guess I'm wondering do I just accept it now and go no contact again or give her a chance and speak to her again about how important this is to us. And our main goal is keeping this child safe and away from these people.

I would bet that she has already told them and I suspect that you know this as well. There is no easy answer but it is painfully obvious that she is not trustworthy.

It's always a possibility. It would very sad if she did and the absolute end of the relationship. I do think my sil would reach out if she told them and say something just knowing her. But we truly can never know. And she isn't trustworthy unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not wrong to consider just going no contact. I guess in theory she's vaguely, vaguely respecting the boundary of not telling your brother by attempting to ask your permission and not just doing it. So if everything else has been going well maybe one more conversation that the boundary is not just not telling him, but not discussing it at all. And then if it comes up once more, you're done. But it's close enough at this point that it's OK to be done. You're obviously going to have to be super vigilant about photos and her being alone with the baby.

Thanks. I'm definitely open to another conversation and being more firm on we can't keep having this conversation. I can see it happening around holidays and such. And I just can't have the constant reminder. I do think it is a sign she's trying? Otherwise she just wouldn't ask and would be telling them. I do think my sil would reach out if she found out from my mom.

Yes vigilant about photos for sure. And she will never be alone with DD. We already had that talk when she asked about helping us with childcare and mentioned keeping a pack and play at her house.

I didn't mention not only did my mother ignore the abuse from my brother but also from another older male and wasn't supportive when I pressed charges that time. She was also very physically abusive until too big to control and could call her on it. The emotional abuse continued hence no contact. So DD will never be unsupervised with her and her in person contact will be limited

Quite honestly, I have to wonder why you would ever give her an opening in your life.

It's complicated. My father's dead, my brother and his family do not exist to me my mother while abusive towards me and full of faults has had moments of trying. First gen immigrant family, sweeping things under the rug. I was very conditioned to think this behavior was normal and when I got myself enough therapy and help I made huge boundaries and things were fine for years until they weren't and then I cut her off. She will never be alone with our child and will have limited access as is. If at all given her recent asks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

I think you need to work on this with your therapist. There are likely pedophiles on your street that are much more of a danger than he is. But you hyperfocus on him and the control over this because of your trauma. It's not a real fear, though.

You have unresolved trauma with your Mother and are avoiding that issue by focusing on this issue instead. You need to work through the real emotions this is bringing up and not the imaginary ones.

[Anonymous]

If your brother was just a run of the mill jerk that you cut off, I would say it would be fine to risk it. But given that he sexually abused you and your mother WALKED IN and didn’t stop it, I would cut her off. She clearly has no intention of holding this boundary for you and I would be shocked if she hasn’t already told your brother you have a daughter on the way. The risk that she will give in and tell your brother your address is too high.

[Anonymous]

…why isn’t your brother in jail? It sounds like your entire family, you included, are complicit. I think this is a troll.