I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

I have been taken advantage of too many times to be this simple. I wish it wasn't the case but there are a lot of people who will just test out to see if you are the kind of person who is "helpful" and then will start taking advantage of you to save them time and money. This has happened to me enough times to be very wary of it.

Helping your neighbor is something like "hey I had to take Larlo to urgent care and DH just told me his train is stopped and he doesn't know when it will start -- can you pick up Larla and let her stay at your house until one of us is back." It's not becoming your neighbors permanent childcare solution to save them the trouble of shifting work schedules or hiring help.

Depends. Did OP agree to pick up three days a week for more than just the first few days of school? That would be helping either way - a few days or a few weeks or all year. Helping doesn’t have to be just in emergency situations.

We only have OP’s side of the conversation so we will never know what the understanding was with the neighbor.

I have said it twice: I agreed to help pick up the boy so the baby didn’t have to be awakened. But for the past week and today, the baby has been awake when I pick up the boy. So I feel like I was asked to help under false pretenses. The baby has been awake more than not since I started helping so the baby can stay asleep.

Then say no.

What is the issue with saying no, OP?

No issue at all. I’ll see how it goes the rest of this week, if baby is happily awake when I pick up, and then make my decision. Thanks for your help!

If you have no issue saying no, why post?

SMH

Thanks for your help.

Now we all feel like you took advantage. Did you mean to waste everyone’s time when you asked for help?

Speak for yourself. Also, it was your choice to keep reading and responding. And I’m sure you’ll be back to feel victimized yet again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume they think they will car pool when the baby is older. But you don't like helping, so do not help. It really is that simple.

If they thought this why wouldn't they say this.

Here is what I know about people who like to take advantage of others:

They are often a bit unclear in requests on purpose because that enables them to play dumb later. "Oh we thought you were find doing this all year even though we definitely never said 'can you help us out this year with the school commute.'"

They are good at soliciting sympathy to make people feel obligated. This is why the family made their request all about the infant's sleep and not wanting to wake the baby -- most moms are going to be sympathetic to that. Note there are other ways to frame this that would have been equally (and perhaps more) true but less sympathetic. Like if they'd said "my mom is watching the little ones but she is balking about doing the school run on the mornings I have to work" or "my office is being a stickler about my start time and DH doesn't want to adjust his hours to accommodate" OP might have been less inclined to say yes. She might have thought "ok I get that's an issue but it sounds like an internal family problem for you to resolve." But by framing it as a problem specifically with an infant's sleep schedule they make themselves look as sympathetic as possible.

Then Op should clarify, yes?

[Anonymous]

I would not do this. They need to take care of their own stuff just like everyone else in this world. They can figure it out, they just don't want to. They would rather sponge off of you, which is why the "ask" was presented in a really sympathetic but not totally honest way.

No way. You wanted 3 kids, you bear the burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

I have been taken advantage of too many times to be this simple. I wish it wasn't the case but there are a lot of people who will just test out to see if you are the kind of person who is "helpful" and then will start taking advantage of you to save them time and money. This has happened to me enough times to be very wary of it.

Helping your neighbor is something like "hey I had to take Larlo to urgent care and DH just told me his train is stopped and he doesn't know when it will start -- can you pick up Larla and let her stay at your house until one of us is back." It's not becoming your neighbors permanent childcare solution to save them the trouble of shifting work schedules or hiring help.

Depends. Did OP agree to pick up three days a week for more than just the first few days of school? That would be helping either way - a few days or a few weeks or all year. Helping doesn’t have to be just in emergency situations.

We only have OP’s side of the conversation so we will never know what the understanding was with the neighbor.

I have said it twice: I agreed to help pick up the boy so the baby didn’t have to be awakened. But for the past week and today, the baby has been awake when I pick up the boy. So I feel like I was asked to help under false pretenses. The baby has been awake more than not since I started helping so the baby can stay asleep.

Then say no.

What is the issue with saying no, OP?

No issue at all. I’ll see how it goes the rest of this week, if baby is happily awake when I pick up, and then make my decision. Thanks for your help!

If you have no issue saying no, why post?

SMH

Thanks for your help.

Now we all feel like you took advantage. Did you mean to waste everyone’s time when you asked for help?

Speak for yourself. Also, it was your choice to keep reading and responding. And I’m sure you’ll be back to feel victimized yet again.

You totally missed that, didn’t you.

[Anonymous]

Once a week is nbd in my view, but three times a week is too much. Sounds like grandma could handle just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

Help is help. This is an ongoing taking advantage.

Do you ask for favors with that mouth?

Nooo, help comes in many forms. The problem here is that the OP and the neighbor were not clear with each other regarding what the agreement was. OP needs to say no if she doesn’t want to do it. Be clear.

And you sound lovely, BTW.

I believe the word was "nasty." That's PP's (your?) word, not mine. I don't use it to describe people.

No, not me and not my word, though, given your response, it may apply.

Does not surprise me that you have no problem with saying that. I expect it from people who have no problem with taking advantage as well.

[Anonymous]

The grandmother can cope on her own OP. Just tell them that this is a little inconvenient for you after all (they are not going to counter about the inconvenience for them). They are probably so engrossed in their own lives that they don’t put themselves in your shoes. You’ve done your bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're resentful then tell her your schedule has changed and you can no longer do it. They will figure something else out.

+100. Don't complicate it OP. Tell them today that starting on date xyz you will not be able to pick up Larlo. How much notice you give is up to you. I think one week is plenty. You are not obligated in the slightest to give an explanation. Grandma will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

OP: Your neighbor friend is taking advantage of you & of your time. If your friend & her spouse elected to have 3 kids, then they are responsible for taking care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

+1

The pervasive selfishness of DCUM rears its ugly ahead again. It’s 5 minutes 3x a week. Not everything should be in transactional. This is an easy way for OP to help another mom. It’s no wonder our society is fraying and fracturing, when people can’t make the smallest efforts to help without getting something back. OP, I’m sure you’ve benefited from other people’s kindness in your life, kindness you didn’t directly repay. WTF is wrong with you people. 5 minutes!

[Anonymous]

Maybe the friend should hire a part-time nanny to handle such things as picking up kids from school.

OP, this is a big responsibility that you now resent. Tell your friend that you no longer want this responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume they think they will car pool when the baby is older. But you don't like helping, so do not help. It really is that simple.

If they thought this why wouldn't they say this.

Here is what I know about people who like to take advantage of others:

They are often a bit unclear in requests on purpose because that enables them to play dumb later. "Oh we thought you were find doing this all year even though we definitely never said 'can you help us out this year with the school commute.'"

They are good at soliciting sympathy to make people feel obligated. This is why the family made their request all about the infant's sleep and not wanting to wake the baby -- most moms are going to be sympathetic to that. Note there are other ways to frame this that would have been equally (and perhaps more) true but less sympathetic. Like if they'd said "my mom is watching the little ones but she is balking about doing the school run on the mornings I have to work" or "my office is being a stickler about my start time and DH doesn't want to adjust his hours to accommodate" OP might have been less inclined to say yes. She might have thought "ok I get that's an issue but it sounds like an internal family problem for you to resolve." But by framing it as a problem specifically with an infant's sleep schedule they make themselves look as sympathetic as possible.

This. I have a neighbor who overscheduled her kids and has a DH who doesn't do anything and it's always framed as this very desperate scenario when really it's a simple matter of poor planning and family priorities. This sounds like something they could work out at the family level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the friend should hire a part-time nanny to handle such things as picking up kids from school.

OP, this is a big responsibility that you now resent. Tell your friend that you no longer want this responsibility.

This. What’s wrong with hiring paid help? My college-age niece works as a nanny 3 mornings a week from 6-9. She wakes the kids up, gets them ready for school, takes them to school, and returns home to clean up the kitchen before going to her own classes. She is paid very well for this, which she loves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

I have been taken advantage of too many times to be this simple. I wish it wasn't the case but there are a lot of people who will just test out to see if you are the kind of person who is "helpful" and then will start taking advantage of you to save them time and money. This has happened to me enough times to be very wary of it.

Helping your neighbor is something like "hey I had to take Larlo to urgent care and DH just told me his train is stopped and he doesn't know when it will start -- can you pick up Larla and let her stay at your house until one of us is back." It's not becoming your neighbors permanent childcare solution to save them the trouble of shifting work schedules or hiring help.

Depends. Did OP agree to pick up three days a week for more than just the first few days of school? That would be helping either way - a few days or a few weeks or all year. Helping doesn’t have to be just in emergency situations.

We only have OP’s side of the conversation so we will never know what the understanding was with the neighbor.

I have said it twice: I agreed to help pick up the boy so the baby didn’t have to be awakened. But for the past week and today, the baby has been awake when I pick up the boy. So I feel like I was asked to help under false pretenses. The baby has been awake more than not since I started helping so the baby can stay asleep.

Then say no.

What is the issue with saying no, OP?

No issue at all. I’ll see how it goes the rest of this week, if baby is happily awake when I pick up, and then make my decision. Thanks for your help!

Saying no, politely, is one of the world's best life skills.

Years ago, A neighbor asked us to be the regular pick up person for their kid in preschool, I said no (because I wanted the option of biking my one kid), they asked another family, and I know that family became super resentful over time, and it was never reciprocated.

Just say you can't do it anymore, and be polite, and don't over-explain why. Keep the reasons ambiguous.

Also, I know a family of 3 where they are almost always using another family to help them with one kid's commute somewhere (like a sport), and every time the other family ends up dropping them at some point. Very normal to start feeling resentment when a family is using you regularly to solve a logistics issue. They always still ended up friendly. Just say no!

[Anonymous]

This exact same question was posted some months ago. Surely OP could have figured this out with previous dcurbanmom advice.