Wife’s routine spending - what is normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you appreciate that she looks good then stop complaining about what it takes to look like that. Ugh, what a 🤡

Such a good point. If you don’t want a frumpy wife, it takes effort.

She’s actually pretty frugal. But if she starts cheating out and then becomes less f*ckable in your eyes, don’t come crying here…

Right. Why do men lust after hot women then get mad when their girlfriend is expensive? Do you think the instagram models and famous actresses get their hair cut at Great Clips and colored with box dye? Do they think they eat McDonalds for every meal and work out at the local park? Like it or not, upkeep and looking good is expensive, unless you're 21 and won the genetic lottery. So many men will whine about their wife's "extravagances" but if she started walking around in Walmart sweatpants with zero makeup, grown out roots, and a potbelly, they'd be so upset. It's actually pathetic the entitlement and lack of awareness they have. So unattractive

[Anonymous]

Men want trophy wives but cant afford the trophy.

[Anonymous]

It does not seem like a lot for your household when you ran the numbers. However, I am a frugal woman and this would kill me. If my husband asked me to cut back, I would. In the end, it benefits the family. I would choose a cheaper gym or try to work out from home. I would hold off a new bag and get one every two year instead of yearly. I would get my nails done once every couple of months and maintain at home. I would drink coffee from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just had our second child and are starting to feel some financial pressures. We have been comfortable but I’d like to be a little more budget conscious. To that end DW and I sat down to examine our monthly spending and I am surprised at how much she spends on a routine basis. When I ask her to cut back she said all of this is “normal” spending for a woman her age. Of course I’m aware women’s things tend to cost more but she spends so much more than I do and I wonder how common this is. For example she spends -

200/month gym membership
100/month on two manicures / pedicures
200 every 3-4 months on hair cuts
200-300 every couple months on skin products
Once a year massage or spa , around 200
Every couple of months I see 300-600 on the credit card for clothes, she says some of this gets returned and that she needs more clothes recently due to size changes of having two kids in past 4 years
Once or twice a year she makes a bigger purchase between 500-1000, could be bag, jewelry, shoes, clothing. It’s usually a birthday or anniversary gift.
50-100 /month on coffee or lunch - this is just for her , not family take out or eating out
She also likes to buy clothes frequently for the kids but I’ll leave that out.
These are the main recurring categories we identified.

In comparison, I spend 60/month on the gym, rarely buy clothes or personal products, and spend less than 100 a year on haircuts.

Current HHI is 250k. We live in Bethesda. I think it’s important to add she stopped working after we had our first kid. Our HHI was 450k when she was working. She does plan to go back to work after the second kid goes to preschool around 2 or 3 but we are not sure she will go back to the same salary level.

She’s a wonderful, engaged mother and I do appreciate that she always looks really good. She does a lot around the house too and for our general family life logistics and planning. I don’t want to micromanage her spending. We can afford it but I’d like her to cut down at least while we are on one income so we can save more at the end of each month. What would be a reasonable ask here? How much are other women of similar HHI spending on a monthly basis?

Maybe you could ask her to try to get her boyfriend to try to pay for some of this stuff. That's obviously who she's doing it for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men want trophy wives but cant afford the trophy.

+1. You should have married a woman who was lower maintenance. I am lower maintenance but don’t think your wife’s spending is out-of-line for the services she is receiving to keep herself looking great. $200 for hair every 3-4 months? Sign me up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just had our second child and are starting to feel some financial pressures. We have been comfortable but I’d like to be a little more budget conscious. To that end DW and I sat down to examine our monthly spending and I am surprised at how much she spends on a routine basis. When I ask her to cut back she said all of this is “normal” spending for a woman her age. Of course I’m aware women’s things tend to cost more but she spends so much more than I do and I wonder how common this is. For example she spends -

200/month gym membership
100/month on two manicures / pedicures
200 every 3-4 months on hair cuts
200-300 every couple months on skin products
Once a year massage or spa , around 200
Every couple of months I see 300-600 on the credit card for clothes, she says some of this gets returned and that she needs more clothes recently due to size changes of having two kids in past 4 years
Once or twice a year she makes a bigger purchase between 500-1000, could be bag, jewelry, shoes, clothing. It’s usually a birthday or anniversary gift.
50-100 /month on coffee or lunch - this is just for her , not family take out or eating out
She also likes to buy clothes frequently for the kids but I’ll leave that out.
These are the main recurring categories we identified.

In comparison, I spend 60/month on the gym, rarely buy clothes or personal products, and spend less than 100 a year on haircuts.

Current HHI is 250k. We live in Bethesda. I think it’s important to add she stopped working after we had our first kid. Our HHI was 450k when she was working. She does plan to go back to work after the second kid goes to preschool around 2 or 3 but we are not sure she will go back to the same salary level.

She’s a wonderful, engaged mother and I do appreciate that she always looks really good. She does a lot around the house too and for our general family life logistics and planning. I don’t want to micromanage her spending. We can afford it but I’d like her to cut down at least while we are on one income so we can save more at the end of each month. What would be a reasonable ask here? How much are other women of similar HHI spending on a monthly basis?

At your income level, some of these things look high. When I was a SAHM to 2 small kids in Bethesda on the same income, I definitely wasn’t buying luxury $800 bags, getting 2 manicures per month, using an expensive gym, or spending over $1,000 year on my hair. Whether this is ‘normal’ is irrelevant. It really is about what you can afford at your income level and given your financial goals.

Focus on your overall picture. Maybe you’re not seeing the forest for the trees. If you drive modest cars, don’t take costly vacations or don’t eat out a lot then maybe her expenditure really isn’t a big deal. If you do need to cut back, don’t focus on the smaller things if it’s the bigger items which could generate the real savings.

So I would look at things like how much debt you have, college savings, what sorts of cars you drive, whether you have a cleaner or garden service and how frequently, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having a young kid, or several, is a form of austerity, in and of itself. You have limited time for yourself, your friends, a social life, an identity outside of "parent". And she's at home, working as a childcare and household manager full time?

Don't make her do all that and implement austerity measures. You can afford it. Right now, focus on saving her identity and her sanity. Once the kids are older and in school, she can switch focus to saving money/making more.

Your wife is doing so much more than you seem to realize, and her spending isn't unreasonable. Unless it's a hardship to you, support her financially while she supports you and your new(ish) family in all these other non-financial ways.

And she still cares about looking good for you? Bro, don't complain!!!

To whoever wrote this, I love you!

[Anonymous]

Op you outlined $1000 per month in personal spending. That's outrageous in my opinion. If she cut it in half and you invested the other half you could retire years earlier. I hope it's worth it.

[Anonymous]

Yes what she’s spending is normal. Substantially pushing back on that has plenty of merit, but do so knowing it’s a lifestyle change you’re pushing on her, which very quickly turns into bad vibes when there’s only one spouse that’s working, but both spouses are used to having money and education.

[Anonymous]

All the people saying "normal" never seem to remember that the vast majority of americans don't have enough savings and this is true even in super wealthy areas like bethesda. Just because "most people" are fine living on credit , not paying for kids full college, and worried about emergency savings, doesn't mean it's the right answer.

[Anonymous]

Normal doesn’t necessarily mean good. This is well within the realm of normal, but it could be much cheaper. She could do her nails at home, go to a cheaper gym, eat out less. The conversation you need to have with your wife is about your family budget, not whether she spends too much in the abstract. And FWIW aside from replacing Old Navy jeans as I change sizes our family spends more on DH’s hair and clothes than mine! (Because short hair needs to be trimmed much more often than long hair and he dresses up more frequently.)

[Anonymous]

For comparison- 40 year old mom of 4 young kids- HHI 400k, no debt but mortgage.

Approx monthly beauty costs-
$180 color and extensions (every other month)
$80- lotions, potions, hair products, makeup
$325- personal trainer
$40- peloton (DH also uses this)
$60- pedicure (I don’t do manicures)
$50-100- lunch, coffee, maybe dinner out with friends (total)
$75-100- random clothes purchases for myself (target pajamas, new socks, fresh flip flops, sexy underwear, etc)

I would be willing to cut everything but the hair stuff as I am very grey, but I would be a lot fatter and much less happy!

[Anonymous]

Man here.

I don’t see anything ridiculous in her spending. A few items like the gym, clothes and the coffee might be high, but only at the margins, but it doesn’t strike me as over the top. These are areas perhaps could be negotiated if you’re actually trying to create a budget and you are able to discuss this in good faith. It’s valid to look at all of your (combined) and figure out what can be tightened. The issue is she is spending a bit carefree, not carelessly, IMO.

When my DW and I had the conversation, I had to also reckon with my own spending. My weaknesses were buying lunch at the office most days when I could have brought it from home, alcohol— it was, ahem, sobering to look at what we were spending on beer, wine and bourbon. And I had a hobby I was in denial about how much I was spending on it.

Now I spend less on on booze and hobby and am more deliberate about packing a lunch. She has stopped buying stuff online, since that was a source of impulse shopping. We set budgets for clothing for ourselves and the kids and only shop sales a few times a year, etc.

You have to be on the same page and not accuse for this to work. Tread lightly.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t know gym memberships were so low cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At that HHI you need to have a serious talk about some of those items.

Our HHI is $600,500 and I don’t spend half of that on myself. Mostly because I work full time and have 3 kids. I never have time to do that sort of stuff for myself. No gym membership - outdoors is free. I run or walk and then have weights and peloton at home when needed.

Hair cuts - I thankfully don’t have to color my hair and it’s long and thick. So I get it cut every 4 months or so and it costs $60

Coffee - just make coffee at home and bring it in a cup

Hand bags and luxury items - if you are a SAHM when so you use these things? The only nice stuff I have is the jewelry my husband insists on getting me even when I tell him it’s not necessary

you aren't wrong but you realize you are exceptionally frugal for someone at your income level esp?

Pp - sure I guess? I hate spending money on myself. I do spend a lot on my kids though. They need new sports gear almost every season, and new clothes and shoes, etc. it all adds up. My clothes and jewelry are totally fine.