Wife’s routine spending - what is normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you appreciate that she looks good then stop complaining about what it takes to look like that. Ugh, what a 🤡

Such a good point. If you don’t want a frumpy wife, it takes effort.

She’s actually pretty frugal. But if she starts cheating out and then becomes less f*ckable in your eyes, don’t come crying here…

[Anonymous]

OP you didn't say anything about your own coffee/lunch spending. How much do you spend? I'd suggest packing lunch if you're not. That's when you'll see savings.

[Anonymous]

Do you have long hair OP? I’ve never heard of a man going 3-4 months between haircuts.

The more you post, the more I think this is about your wife losing her work identity and being a little bored at home. And she’s spending to get that hit/satisfaction that she used to be able to get in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Sounds ordinary Op
- and I cut my own hair, buy drug store brand cosmetics, infrequently. Don't shop much

[Anonymous]

All of this seems normal and not at all excessive. She’ll return to work in a short few years and I could never imagine suffering through this precious time with babies by scrimping on coffee. That’s probably time she spends with other moms so that she won’t feel isolated. Gym shouldn’t be a concern at all, that’s for health and you said yourself that she looks great.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you have a really toxic approach to this. You have two issues, from reading your posts:
1) you think your wife’s spending is frivolous or excessive
2) you think your personal discretionary spending is unbalanced and that’s not fair to you

#1 is a path to ruin. You’re both well within the middle of the curve. It’s not or it shouldn’t be up to you how she prioritizes a manicure within her discretionary budget. It IS up to BOTH of you to come up with a long term financial plan with discretionary budgets that fit with your goals. Make yours the same size to solve your unfairness issue. You can just let it pile up somewhere while you eat tuna sandwiches and cut your hair with a knife or whatever you’re doing that you feel makes you a better person. Take it out and look at it when you’re mad about Barre or whatever. You could turn it into a gold bar for you to rub in your pocket when you see her nails! Or take up a hobby.

As a SAHM, I think arguably her takeout/entertainment budget is going to be a bit higher. It’s hard to come up with activities for little kids all day everyday. A lot is free, but there’s a lot of time to fill. And you can pack snacks/lunch/etc, but you’re also hauling around a lot of stuff all the time and need flexibility.

She needs to go back to work though. This isn’t a good dynamic. That means you need to do 50% of the child and home care outside of 9am-5pm.

[Anonymous]

If you can’t afford it, get on a budget. That’s said, I spend more so this is cheap to me.

[Anonymous]

This sounds normal for someone with a higher HHI. Assuming you and your wife were in agreement about her staying home to make things easier, there needs to be tradeoffs. I would be extremely uncomfortable if my spouse was spending this much on a $250k income, plus two young kids in the house.

Also - there's a zero percent chance your wife is going to go back to high paying job, sorry. The correlation is very high between women who spend a lot when they're not working and those who don't want to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:46 y.o. mom of two kids. This is less than what I spend on my appearance, but we have a higher income. I also have a job where I travel and am in front of large audiences frequently, so certain things I spend on make it easier to do my job (e.g. Brazilian blowouts so I don't have to spend time styling my hair).

The one thing that stands out to me is the $500-$1K on a luxury item annually. When we earned closer to what you do, I would not have done that.

Overall, it doesn't matter what's normal, it's what you can afford. When our HHI was closer to yours, DH and I both set ourselves monthly budgets for personal spending. I tracked mine pretty closely at the time. Notably, while I do spend more now and don't track things, some of the habits related to thinking about the trade-offs when making purchases have stayed with me.

It’s very different if you earn your income. She does not.

I am a WFH mom with a small contractor job and manage our rentals and our household. My spending exceeds this woman’s for a reason - on my card. I cover soccer club dues for three kids, our tv. All rental house expenses. All groceries. All kids clothes, haircuts, school supplies, anything kid related Our housekeeper 2x month. We pool our money and he pays my card off every month. Our grocery bill is high- we often host tons of kids and family and love doing it.
My personal expenses- pedi 2xmonth ($80 total), gym $120/mo, highlights 2x year $300, Botox 2x year $350. I buy very little clothes unless needed and certainly no nice bag etc.. I budget carefully. When I am earning more of my own money again that might change!! But I like living below our means and I like being with the kids as the primary parent versus both being strung out working full time!

[Anonymous]

I do think her spending on her appearance is a bit high - and I say that as a woman who has a client facing job and also speaks in public - I spend less than she does, and I don’t go without much. But if that fits into your budget and your family’s priorities, it’s not an issue. If it doesn’t, you both need to sit down and figure out what can realistically be cut.

And it seems to me that being a single-income family might not be working for you. That’s totally fine, it wouldn’t work for many husbands, but again, it’s something you have to figure out between yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds normal for someone with a higher HHI. Assuming you and your wife were in agreement about her staying home to make things easier, there needs to be tradeoffs. I would be extremely uncomfortable if my spouse was spending this much on a $250k income, plus two young kids in the house.

Also - there's a zero percent chance your wife is going to go back to high paying job, sorry. The correlation is very high between women who spend a lot when they're not working and those who don't want to work.

Shoot this is also true! Agree.

[Anonymous]

Barre is good for pelvic floor exercises. I know it’s expensive but better than not working out. I’m the type that won’t work out if I do it by myself. I’m naturally thin but having kids takes a toll on your body. I’ve been in and out of physical therapy for all 3 of my kids. The clothing seems excessive.

[Anonymous]

The number of women on here justifying this level of spending for (i) a woman who is home with just one baby; (ii) a HHI of $250k, and (iii) a woman who actively decided not to work to keep things easier..... is unreal.

$250k income with a kid and in Bethesda means your income is going to make you feel solidly middle class. Assuming you have a mortgage and two car payments (because you're young), you guys are going to feel really tight for a long time. Your income and lifestyle choices (Bethesda) can't comfortably support a champagne lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If her appearance is a priority to you, you can't begrudge what she spends on it. I'd never spend that much but I have grey hair I cut myself, I cut my own fingernails and toenails, and I spend nothing on makeup. I spend $150/month on moisturizer/skin care because I have super sensitive skin. I wear comfy clothes and I'm always casually dressed. I am overweight and don't make time for exercise.

If you want your wife to keep prioritizing her appearance, you can't begrudge her that investment. And shoot, $100/month for her to occasionally buy a food treat for herself is nothing!

Her looks are not a priority, and I’ve never given that messaging. I do think she looks great - physique and how she dresses - and I tell her that. She did not have the expensive barre membership until after kids. She’s never been into working out but she has mentioned being self conscious about the weight gain after kids.

Yes, as some posters pointed out, some of this is me wishing she’d cut back now that our HHI dropped by almost half. If anything it increased with things like the gym, coffee/lunches, frequent purchasing of children’s clothing. I haven’t bothered to research it but I’m pretty sure kids clothing could cost less than what she’s spending. She used to work from home too and rarely got coffee out, etc. So I do wonder how much of this is the full time mom effect. Though I can’t say for sure, since we didn’t track closely before kids.

Being a stay at home mom is tough, I get it. She takes GREAT care of the kids - cooks nutritional meals for them, always trying to do new activities and outings with them, really on top of all their stuff. But like someone said, I also feel like the clothing packages are a little more frequent compared to when she worked?

There is not much else to cut if we want to save more. We don’t have other large buckets of recurrent monthlies. We could cut the twice a month cleaners and law service. Like I said when we sat down to do this together, my monthly discretionary spending was so low that there is nothing to cut (she wants me to have a gym membership and get haircuts every 3-4 months).

Uh your 1 - 2 lunches out weekly????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At that HHI you need to have a serious talk about some of those items.

Our HHI is $600,500 and I don’t spend half of that on myself. Mostly because I work full time and have 3 kids. I never have time to do that sort of stuff for myself. No gym membership - outdoors is free. I run or walk and then have weights and peloton at home when needed.

Hair cuts - I thankfully don’t have to color my hair and it’s long and thick. So I get it cut every 4 months or so and it costs $60

Coffee - just make coffee at home and bring it in a cup

Hand bags and luxury items - if you are a SAHM when so you use these things? The only nice stuff I have is the jewelry my husband insists on getting me even when I tell him it’s not necessary

you aren't wrong but you realize you are exceptionally frugal for someone at your income level esp?