Wife’s routine spending - what is normal?

[Anonymous]

* you're

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If her appearance is a priority to you, you can't begrudge what she spends on it. I'd never spend that much but I have grey hair I cut myself, I cut my own fingernails and toenails, and I spend nothing on makeup. I spend $150/month on moisturizer/skin care because I have super sensitive skin. I wear comfy clothes and I'm always casually dressed. I am overweight and don't make time for exercise.

If you want your wife to keep prioritizing her appearance, you can't begrudge her that investment. And shoot, $100/month for her to occasionally buy a food treat for herself is nothing!

And. You probably look like crap which men will divorce so keep up your appearance or be single but it's an investment

Sad that you think the only thing keeping your husband in your marriage is your appearance.

What will happen if one of you is disabled? Has a stroke? Is disfigured by disease or injury?

What a sad excuse for a marriage…

Or even just ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’d be easy to trim this budget yes and I am woman who makes a lot more than you. But I realize that I am unusual in this area. $270 a month for you both at the gym for example seems like a lot

It isn’t if one does CrossFit or Orangetheory and the other goes to a regular gym.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just had our second child and are starting to feel some financial pressures. We have been comfortable but I’d like to be a little more budget conscious. To that end DW and I sat down to examine our monthly spending and I am surprised at how much she spends on a routine basis. When I ask her to cut back she said all of this is “normal” spending for a woman her age. Of course I’m aware women’s things tend to cost more but she spends so much more than I do and I wonder how common this is. For example she spends -

200/month gym membership
100/month on two manicures / pedicures
200 every 3-4 months on hair cuts
200-300 every couple months on skin products
Once a year massage or spa , around 200
Every couple of months I see 300-600 on the credit card for clothes, she says some of this gets returned and that she needs more clothes recently due to size changes of having two kids in past 4 years
Once or twice a year she makes a bigger purchase between 500-1000, could be bag, jewelry, shoes, clothing. It’s usually a birthday or anniversary gift.
50-100 /month on coffee or lunch - this is just for her , not family take out or eating out
She also likes to buy clothes frequently for the kids but I’ll leave that out.
These are the main recurring categories we identified.

In comparison, I spend 60/month on the gym, rarely buy clothes or personal products, and spend less than 100 a year on haircuts.

Current HHI is 250k. We live in Bethesda. I think it’s important to add she stopped working after we had our first kid. Our HHI was 450k when she was working. She does plan to go back to work after the second kid goes to preschool around 2 or 3 but we are not sure she will go back to the same salary level.

She’s a wonderful, engaged mother and I do appreciate that she always looks really good. She does a lot around the house too and for our general family life logistics and planning. I don’t want to micromanage her spending. We can afford it but I’d like her to cut down at least while we are on one income so we can save more at the end of each month. What would be a reasonable ask here? How much are other women of similar HHI spending on a monthly basis?

Are you in the military and you get your hair cut on base and you don't tip? I don't see how this is otherwise possible.

If you get your hair cut every 8 weeks that would be 6-7 times a year, which means you're spending max $15 per haircut?

Have you not noticed that plenty of guys have little or no hair to cut? Very strange that you don’t realise that.

Agreed that hundred dollars for haircuts for entire year is near impossible. I was in the military but I would be surprised if on base barbers still cut your hair for less than $15. All the civilian barbers around here cost $20 minimum. And that’s before you tip which honestly you’re crazy not to because they’ll just do a crappy job the next time

+1. I need OP to come back and explain the $100 in haircuts. Unless he gets buzz cuts 4 times a year and in between with Flo bee. I knew someone who did that.

[Anonymous]

Thankfully my DH doesn't bother with the nitty gritty of budget line items but we have two kids, similar income, I'm a SAHM but in a LCOL area. I probably spend similarly. Some men don't care how their wives look (I guess?) but most do, and I believe most men highly, highly underestimate what it takes the average woman to continue to look attractive by late 30s. My DH loves a "natural" look and when I ask him for examples of this in middle aged women (I'm still younger) he always points out women who obviously have at the minimum Botox, expensive haircuts/coloring, and expensive clothing and makeup. He literally has no idea. He thinks the only people who get Botox are the women who look nuts because they've gone way overboard with fillers.
Bottom line, if you want your wife to look good in her middle age, it's not super cheap. Some women have amazing genetics but most do not.

[Anonymous]

Her spending isn’t outrageous at all for this area given costs for haircuts and things and even drugstore brand makeup and skincare products add up. The issue is that her spending may be a bit high for your income at the moment. Are there other ways you could cut back that would be less difficult - ditch cable or whatever?

She certainly could be spending less but if she’s relatively appearance conscious this is kind of just the basics. One area where I’d cut back is the gym but I’m not a gym person and prefer to work out at home. If she’s a gym person that could be really tough to give up and I’m wondering if she uses it for childcare too.

I don’t know, no easy answers and why 250k is a lot of money but can not feel at all extravagant in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thankfully my DH doesn't bother with the nitty gritty of budget line items but we have two kids, similar income, I'm a SAHM but in a LCOL area. I probably spend similarly. Some men don't care how their wives look (I guess?) but most do, and I believe most men highly, highly underestimate what it takes the average woman to continue to look attractive by late 30s. My DH loves a "natural" look and when I ask him for examples of this in middle aged women (I'm still younger) he always points out women who obviously have at the minimum Botox, expensive haircuts/coloring, and expensive clothing and makeup. He literally has no idea. He thinks the only people who get Botox are the women who look nuts because they've gone way overboard with fillers.
Bottom line, if you want your wife to look good in her middle age, it's not super cheap. Some women have amazing genetics but most do not.

This is something that I hear only stay at home moms go on and on about: their physical appearance as being of paramount importance to the sanctity of their marriage and family life. I think it’s a point of anxiety about the nature of their relationships. I honestly think that the breadwinner/SAHM dynamic is really hard on couples. I mean this with compassion. Women end up with a limited number of ways to demonstrate their value as an adult in the family and end up obsessing about their physical appearance in a way that isn’t warranted or grounded in reality. Go back to work and you won’t have the time or inclination to obsess about these things. Natural aging isn’t why healthy marriages break up.

[Anonymous]

Nothing will dry a woman out faster than trying to control her finances. If your relationship is otherwise good move on to something else. Have you considered door dashing if you're so worried about money?

[Anonymous]

OP you need to step it up. A wife should stay at home and look after the children, household and herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thankfully my DH doesn't bother with the nitty gritty of budget line items but we have two kids, similar income, I'm a SAHM but in a LCOL area. I probably spend similarly. Some men don't care how their wives look (I guess?) but most do, and I believe most men highly, highly underestimate what it takes the average woman to continue to look attractive by late 30s. My DH loves a "natural" look and when I ask him for examples of this in middle aged women (I'm still younger) he always points out women who obviously have at the minimum Botox, expensive haircuts/coloring, and expensive clothing and makeup. He literally has no idea. He thinks the only people who get Botox are the women who look nuts because they've gone way overboard with fillers.
Bottom line, if you want your wife to look good in her middle age, it's not super cheap. Some women have amazing genetics but most do not.

This is something that I hear only stay at home moms go on and on about: their physical appearance as being of paramount importance to the sanctity of their marriage and family life. I think it’s a point of anxiety about the nature of their relationships. I honestly think that the breadwinner/SAHM dynamic is really hard on couples. I mean this with compassion. Women end up with a limited number of ways to demonstrate their value as an adult in the family and end up obsessing about their physical appearance in a way that isn’t warranted or grounded in reality. Go back to work and you won’t have the time or inclination to obsess about these things. Natural aging isn’t why healthy marriages break up.

I think some women fool themselves into thinking their DH won't care about their appearance if they are making $. Most men aren't attracted to "natural aging."

[Anonymous]

DINK here. None of it sounds unreasonable to me. She probably needs time at Lifetime Fitness or whatever nice gym she goes to because she’s exhausted from taking care of your kids all day. Maybe cut back on the luxury purchase 1x a year, and maybe look for clothes on Poshmark or in discount stores—if she isn’t working in an office she can be more casual.

[Anonymous]

OP, nothing outrageously high there. I work full time and my expense total is very similar (higher in some area, lower in another).

200/month gym membership - I use free gym at work, but I pay for yoga and pilates classes
100/month on two manicures / pedicures - I pay $120 for manicure only, and occasional pedicure, so my nail expense is higher overall.
200 every 3-4 months on hair cuts - I presume this includes color/highlights. My hair visit costs my $450 plus tips.
200-300 every couple months on skin products - sounds reasonable, especially if this includes make up and hair care.
Once a year massage or spa , around 200 - I get massage once a week, and facials once a month, so mine is much higher.
Every couple of months I see 300-600 on the credit card for clothes, she says some of this gets returned and that she needs more clothes recently due to size changes of having two kids in past 4 years
If this is every other month, it seems high. What kind of clothes does she buy? If this is a gym clothes, then at some point you will have enough of it and expense should get less.
Once or twice a year she makes a bigger purchase between 500-1000, could be bag, jewelry, shoes, clothing. It’s usually a birthday or anniversary gift. - I personally don't spend on jewelries or bags, so it is a not an expense for me.
50-100 /month on coffee or lunch - this is just for her , not family take out or eating out - this is very reasonable.
She also likes to buy clothes frequently for the kids but I’ll leave that out. - kids clothes can be purchases used to save money.
These are the main recurring categories we identified.

[Anonymous]

I shared this list with my husband who is notoriously on the frugal side and he said this was entirely in the realm of normal spending. I’m a sahm too and my expenses are definitely less than your wife’s expenses (eg. only 1 haircut a year, only 1 pedicure a month, no manicure, very rarely do I buy clothes), so his reaction was surprising to me. Your wife is just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thankfully my DH doesn't bother with the nitty gritty of budget line items but we have two kids, similar income, I'm a SAHM but in a LCOL area. I probably spend similarly. Some men don't care how their wives look (I guess?) but most do, and I believe most men highly, highly underestimate what it takes the average woman to continue to look attractive by late 30s. My DH loves a "natural" look and when I ask him for examples of this in middle aged women (I'm still younger) he always points out women who obviously have at the minimum Botox, expensive haircuts/coloring, and expensive clothing and makeup. He literally has no idea. He thinks the only people who get Botox are the women who look nuts because they've gone way overboard with fillers.
Bottom line, if you want your wife to look good in her middle age, it's not super cheap. Some women have amazing genetics but most do not.

This is something that I hear only stay at home moms go on and on about: their physical appearance as being of paramount importance to the sanctity of their marriage and family life. I think it’s a point of anxiety about the nature of their relationships. I honestly think that the breadwinner/SAHM dynamic is really hard on couples. I mean this with compassion. Women end up with a limited number of ways to demonstrate their value as an adult in the family and end up obsessing about their physical appearance in a way that isn’t warranted or grounded in reality. Go back to work and you won’t have the time or inclination to obsess about these things. Natural aging isn’t why healthy marriages break up.

I think some women fool themselves into thinking their DH won't care about their appearance if they are making $. Most men aren't attracted to "natural aging."

Divorce is really low amongst professional families. It just is. Everyone ages, gains disabilities, gets sick, and eventually dies. I’m not sure why there is so much fear mongering around this topic. Most men don’t leave and/or have affairs because their wives age. It just doesn’t happen. A lot of people both men and women gain maturity as they age and appreciate their families and partners and understand that blowing up their families for an affair/new marriage with a younger partner is a very bad idea as well as delusional. There are men and women who make poor choices but they are ultimately a small group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:eg. only 1 haircut a year

I’m overly invested in the various haircut claims in this thread. So your hair grows 6-8 inches a year and you just go long at the end of the cycle? Do you not get split ends? Are you trimming the ends yourself during the interim?